Love

So here is a poem i wrote a couple years ago. I'd really appreciate some suggestions for a better title, advice on writing better poetry, and what you think of this poem.


Love

You are quite intriguing, a mystery
And when I think I want to see
That secret which you posses
I shy away, afraid of what will surface


If I should know your every thought, and every move
When to laugh and when to soothe
That would take the excitement away


Perhaps I'll try another day..............


.End.

I like it! it was short and sweet! It flowed and sounded good! It was deep and made me think. How


does it relate to love by your point of view though? It was good!!!



Keep writing!!!!




And thanks for sharing!!!!




God Bless









"They can because they think they can."

Hi purplepastelpretty,

Post pieces that are recent. Unless you're saying that you somehow have the exact same feelings that you did years ago, this poem is irrelevant and a waste of time for the reader and space for the forum. Anyway, since you won't bother to present something recent, I won't bother to give this a line-by-line.

purplepastelpretty wrote:You are quite intriguing, a mystery
And when I think I want to see
That secret which you posses
I shy away, afraid of what will surface


If I should know your every thought, and every move
When to laugh and when to soothe
That would take the excitement away


Perhaps I'll try another day..............


.End.

The rhyme is forced and unnatural. Mystery, see, posses[s], surface...these are all too simplistic to actually be of any supposed value. To the reader, it looks as if you're rhyming for the sake of rhyming, and that leads down a dark path you need to avoid.

Overall, there's barely any imagery, the rhyme is weak, and the content is shallow. Start over with a different theme.

Hope that helped.

Hiya there!

*Just a reminder first - before posting any piece of work, you should at least make TWO reviews. YWS rules and regulations.

So...back to the poem...

To tell the truth, I thought that this poem was a little bit vague. I'm not sure if you feel the same, but it was as if one stanza told one story, then suddenly jumped to another type of situation, and so on. After reading it, I was a bit confused.

Another thing is the rhyme. I'm afraid I'll have to agree with Galerius; it does sound forced. If rhyming isn't your thing, you should try writing in free verse. It enables you to express ideas freely, without worrying about rhyming words. If I were to write a poem, I would definitely pick free verse.

Last, but not least - I don't think 'love' is suitable for the title. The poem doesn't seem to be describing love, but more of a feeling of curiosity towards someone else. I don't know - it's just that I feel 'love' doesn't suit as the poem's title.

Don't give up! There are still chances. Try experimenting with different words, styles of writing and so on, you'll come up with something.
So good luck, and keep writing!

I actually like your ryhming scheme here, though it does seem a bit experimental.

Think about it, orange ryhmes with no other one word. It kind of sounds like hinge, but it ryhmes when you say "Door hinge". Thus, orange still doesn't ryhme with any one english word. It's like it's all in syllable count. "Mystery::See" or "Mys-ter-y::Ner-vous-ly" or something like that.

Then theres:

"Possess: Surface" 'sess' and 'ace'. Pull apart the words a little more. 'Possess' may ryhme better with something like "repress". But sometimes that won't work out, like "Surface" or "Erase". 'ACE' and 'ASE' seem like they would be a good match, but 'C' and 'S' don't neccessarily create the ryhme here. You need to look at every part of the word.

You need to check over your rythm here. The first paragraph is ten syllables, seven. seven, then eleven. The second is twelve, seven, nine, and eight. I bet if you worked on it a little more, you could even it out. But this differs; if the lyrics are put to music, your rythm can completely change. But that all has to do wwith something different. The song's tempo, length, etecetra.

If you really want to continue to edit and turn these lyrics into a song, your going to need more verses.

Hello,

I find that poem very interesting, very dramatic. But, for that type of poem, maybe, a little on the short side, but that is easily corrected.

Also, balencing, and layout, maybe try adding another line to your second verse, for your ending line is working, but makes the poem uneven.

That is my advise
but the content withing, is good, and should not get changed

Emily

good luck

Hello!

Wow. I found this poem really intriguing. It was short and straight to the point. I liked It a lot. But one thing I think maybe you should do is maybe add a little more to the edges, add a little of how you feel, not just things about love in general?

Otherwise, great job, and keep up the great work!!


~Hailey, <3

Hey,

So I don't think I've ever posted to you before....here's to the first.

Anyway, I think that if you're going to write a short and simple poem it has to concern something more...I don't contemplative or deep. Shying away from a beloved is done consistently and so one needs to do that much more to stand out. Since it was written a while ago I doubt you're really going to change anything so guess I'll give you simple writing tips.

Always write with sincerity. If you try to force something because it sounds good or whatever it'll show. Contemplate things, think them over. There are shades of truth to everything; we must merely open our eyes to them.

I've some poems up; feel free to post a response. My most recent is 'Words for a Gray Aster.' I want to know what you think. And, if you have any questions, feel free to PM.

-PaperMoon

You are quite intriguing, a mystery
And when I think I want to see
That secret which you posses
I shy away, afraid of what will surface


If I should know your every thought, and every move
When to laugh and when to soothe
That would take the excitement away


Perhaps I'll try another day..............

.End.

Hi,
i have to agree, the rhymes seemed really forced and not quite right. Mystery and See didn't really work for me because of the complete difference in syllables. Also, Possess and Surface didn't sound right, ACE and ESS just don't work.
Another thing is the rhythm, when it's read out loud the stanzas just don't seem to flow right. The best thing to do when you're writing a poem is to read it to yourself and see if it sounds ok.
The fisrt line of your second stanza is really too long, it doesn't fit in at all, maybe just simplify it to If i should know your every move?
Also, the stanzas seem to be talking about two completly different things and this doesn't make sense to me at all.
To me the ending line was really weak, it seemed like you couldn't think of anything so used a quite generic ending that didn't follow on from your stanza at all, what are you trying to do?
Sorry if this was too harsh, i just think you need to update this.
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