The Market Part 1

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 10554
Reviews 272
This is the first part of my entry for June's contest :) There should be about another 2 entries to come!

Enjoy!


“You’re not even listening to me!”

“I said this discussion is over.”

“And I say it isn’t!” Ailish retorted back at her mother, who had now turned her attention once again to embroidering. “Mother!” Ailish stamped her foot in a bid to gain attention. Her mother though was feigning ignorance at her daughter’s behaviour.

It was then that Ailish lost her temper. Her parents had done this to her far too often, ignored her in the hopes that she would go away. She was so sick of this, so sick of them, so sick of seeing the same cold stone walls every day. The tension and rage built up in her body until it all came hurtling out of her mouth. “You can’t keep me locked up here forever! I’m not a child anymore!”

Her mother set her work down calmly and fixed her eyes upon Ailish. “I can when it is for your own protection. You have a duty to your family Ailish and I will not let you threaten that by gallivanting about the village, or anywhere else for that matter.”

Ailish could feel the anger inside her slowly start to ebb as realisation dawned on her. Her parents would never let her leave this place, not while they still drew breath.

Her mother must have seen her face slowly drop into despair. She sighed and tried to smile at Ailish in a comforting manner. “Sometimes we have to sacrifice the things we most want to do our duty.”

Feeling a tear roll down her cheek, Ailish hastened to wipe it away. “I don’t care about duty, I just want…I want to be normal.”

“People like us aren’t allowed normal, my dear. Thus is our curse.”

Ailish looked away and dried all tears from her cheeks. She mustn’t give up. She would not fall victim to this curse. She would fight her parents all the way. “I will not let that be my fate mother.” And you can’t stop me.

She left the room abruptly, leaving her mother gazing after her. Tomorrow is the day! she thought. Tomorrow would be the day that she would see what life could really be like. She would see the wonders and splendours that village life had to offer and she would not come back.

******
Today is the day. She had been planning this before she even went to talk to her mother. Her mind kept telling her that she would not be allowed into the village, but Ailish’s heart asked that she give her mother a chance. Maybe if she asked nicely; if she let her mother know how much it meant to her. But her head had proved to be right and it pained her heart.

Ailish donned a cloak on over her green dress. She had tried to find something a little more unnoticeable, but soon realised she did not own such a garment. The idea of taking a maid’s clothes had crossed her mind, and was later dismissed. Ailish didn’t want to give anyone reason to think she might be planning to escape.

Brushing down her cloak, Ailish ran through the escape plan in her head. She wanted to be sure that she had thought of everything before leaving her room. There was no way back after she set out on this mission.

Ailish took one glance around her room, feeling no sadness for what was essentially her prison. She moved towards the door and pressed her ear up against the scratchy wooden surface, listening intently. She felt her heart skip a beat as footsteps thudded towards her room, reached it, and paused. Sucking in her breath, she held on to it. She felt an anxious tightness in her chest as she waited. The leather soles of the person’s shoes scuffed several times before the footsteps continued on down the stairs, and Ailish released a great sigh of relief. She figured it must have been a guard on his way out into the courtyard. If she was right this would mean that her plan was falling into place.

When she felt enough time had passed, she pulled the latch up and creaked the oak door slightly open. A small sliver of light spilled through the crack, falling across Ailish’s face. Her eyes moved from side to side, searching for any sign of a presence, but there was nothing. Nodding to herself for reassurance, she grabbed hold of the metal handle and pulled until the gap was big enough to slip her slim body through. Once she’d edged through the door, she whipped round immediately and pulled it closed again without alerting anyone.

As soon as the door clicked shut, she flattened herself against the roughness of the stone wall. Looking to her left and up the stairs, Ailish’s eyes roamed over the torch lit stairway searching for any hint of movement or sound. She couldn’t be sure that all the guards had emptied out into the courtyard. One could come down those stairs at any moment, discover her, and it would be over before it began.

When satisfied that she was not going to be found out; she turned her attention to the staircase leading downwards to another sturdy door. She noticed that it was slightly ajar, allowing her a glimpse of green and blue - the outside.

Ailish’s heart leapt and she felt a sudden urge to run down the remaining steps. She even took a step forward but managed to restrain herself and settle her excitement. She couldn’t risk it, not now that she was so close. Through this door, across the courtyard and past the outer wall was her freedom, a freedom that she longed for.
After making her way carefully down the stone steps; she reached out and touched the huge door. Ailish peeked out through the small gap. The breeze’s freshness attacked her senses, willing her to go outside, to run and laugh and be free, but Ailish knew she had to wait, wait for the signal.

After a few minutes, although it seemed like hours, a bell tolled in the distance. She knew that this meant the guards were now changing their posts. Ailish braced herself for the final part of her plan. When the last chime of the bell sounded, she slipped out into the courtyard undetected.

Making sure that she kept to the shadows; she flattened herself against the tall wall that bordered the entire courtyard. Ailish knew that all the guards would currently be in the guardhouses, switching shifts, which meant the courtyard was pretty much empty. A few more paces along the wall and Ailish was no longer thinking of the guards. Her attention was focused on one point, her final barrier, and the gate that could stop her from leaving this place.

Reaching the gateway with ease, Ailish slipped the large metal key out from inside a small bag draped over her shoulder. She’d stolen the key earlier, praying that her theft wouldn’t be noticed until she’d opened the small door within the gates and left.

Taking a quick glance behind her to make sure the guards were still busy with the change over, Ailish fitted the key into place. Then using both hands, she turned it and felt the key scrape her palms. She heard a satisfying clunk as the tumblers revolved. Ailish replaced the key carefully in her bag and then with one small push, that swung the door open, she stepped out into an unknown world.

To Be continued...




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2190
Reviews 65
Consider me the patron saint of unreviewed works, here to help you. Pretty suspenseful so far. Onto general comments:

A sense of time
I think one of my favorite things about reading historical fiction is that when its done well there's a time machine effect, where the writer is able to make the period come to life through their prose. This lead to my biggest problem with this thus far. It is very muddled as to when this is taking place, which I think is pretty important in this genre. Let me give an example:
When she is escaping out of her room she turns a metal doorknob and then crunches up against a stone wall before leaving down a torch lit staircase. This (too my historical knowledge seems to be a crazy blend of time periods. I assume she's a princess/noble of some sort, but paintings, famous palaces I've seen etc. would seem to indicate that a metal twisty doorknob is pretty out of place. Doorknobs in the time period I most imagine this to be taking place would be wooden, and probably more push pull handle types than twisty knobs. So either she's in like the early 20th century royal a la the romanovs who happens to be in a refurbished castle or she's in like, the 14th century and is just in a super duper fancy building. But then there's this talk of running of to village life. A possible 600 year ambiguity affects my perception of the character and the setting.
More consistency in objects and perhaps a few more subtle clues would help nail this down.

This is my pen, this is my stylo
I think technically your writing is enjoyable. There were some slight mistakes of grammar and some places where word choice could be better, but overall it was quite good. I thought the dialouge was polished. Your escape scene was filled with a couple standard escape scene cliches, but was nonetheless suspenseful and well crafted. I thought your descriptions of 'the little things' to be particularily impressive.

Random thoughts
The name 'Ailish' seems rather awkward to me. It's very possible it's a legit 'old language' name but kinda reads like a strange mash up of alisha and ailee. But that's fairly small.
I hope the curse referred to is the curse of being born high class and not something overplayed and stupid like being a vampire or 'the chosen one'. It seems like the former but I paused after reading those lines.

This was a fun read, I'll get to the next chapter... soon. PM me if you write more or have questions.

-Pattycakes




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 53415
Reviews 1125
Bex!

Guess who?

I. NITPICKS

You have a duty to your family Ailish and I will not let you threaten that by gallivanting about the village,


So she never leaves the house?

or anywhere else for that matter.”

“I will not let that be my fate mother.”


"fate, Mother." surely?

After making her way carefully


After a few minutes,


Both of these begin with "after" :D

Okay...

II. TIME PERIOD

I got confused. Is this, like Celts, or Victorian, or somewhere in between? Because I really had no idea...

III. DETAILS

As well as the time period, there are other details I'd like to know, you know, like, how old is she, why is she being kept inside, that sort of thing... I just feel like I didn't find out enough, but maybe that's because this is only Part One... but I'd like to know more about her and her life! This doesn't mean you should infodump... Just... you know, a little bit more...

IV. OVERALL

Not bad, well written, easy to follow.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010



An existential crisis a day keeps the writer's block away <3
— LadyBug