that solitary good-bye

That
solitary good-bye
from those
who we
pre-mourn...
Does but little
to comfort
the grieving soul.

It is better
to have them
die..loving you ?
That to let them
live...hating you ?

That solitary good-bye
Does but little to
dry the tears.

If they live hating
you will you be angry?
If they live missing you
will you be happy ?

That solitary good-bye
does but little...
other than to
Let it die.

Those final words,
as they walk through
the door,
have no other purpose..
than to give,

A Solitary Good-Bye.

That

solitary good-bye

from those

who we

pre-mourn...

Does but little

to comfort

the grieving soul.

The opening stanza feels a little weak. And to be honest, it kind of just feels like you're talking. Poetry is more descriptive, for lack of a better word. I'm not really sure if I like the opening or not, depending on how I read it, it changes for me. Plus, I wouldn't give one or two words a line, unless that's really what you're going for. Otherwise, it stretches it to make it longer, which will get you less responses.

It is better

to have them

die..loving you ?

That to let them

live...hating you ?

This stanza...not too bad. I like the message you are trying to send here, but I feel your wording just is not conveying it enough. I'm a fan of very abstract poetry, so, that's why simple-worded poetry gives me issues, so most of this is personal preference, but still, this is too just out there, I think.

That solitary good-bye

Does but little to

dry the tears.

This I think would be fine if you brushed up your other stanzas

If they live hating

you will you be angry?

If they live missing you

will you be happy ?

I would add the 'you' opening the second line to the first, because it follows the format that you're using in this stanza, or add a comma after that same you in the second line. But, again, love your point, I just don't think you're executing it to it's fullest potential.

That solitary good-bye

does but little...

other than to

Let it die.

I'm not sure if I'm really following this stanza, it feels a little bland...

Those final words,

as they walk through

the door,

have no other purpose..

than to give,



A Solitary Good-Bye.

I think you lost your meaning of your poem. Earlier you were saying things about how the 'Solitary Goodbye' gives or makes you feel, now it has switched. I don't know if that's what you're going for, but if it is, it's just like your other stanzas it hasn't reached it's fullest potential.

I wouldn't give up on your poem, just go work on it a bit more, it does have potential.

like if you saw this as conversation between 2 people.. like me saying all this to you...and then leaving when I'm done...

this could sound better written in a different person...

also if its trying to comfort someone before you leave eh ? ..whether your dying or your just leaving...

it mixes 2 things together...a dream.. and a funeral..ehhh... sort of...

oh and i'm not one to fix up my poetry.. with all those things to try and make it perfect or better.. that requires work.. something i do not comply with....

i liked the idea of the poem - if i've got it right. but i did think that it got lost in throughout. i agree with cross in that the first stanza did seem kind of weak, but the second stanza did make me imagine someone thinking over those words, perhaps in a conversation. but then the rest of the poem doesn't have the same feeling as that, even when it is questions. however it could still be a great poem with a bit of work!

X

Hey Silented!

I'm June, your critic for the moment.

While I think you can go places with the idea of this poem, I have to say that the way it's currently written does not do much to catch my interest.

The opening stanza is what you really, really want to put your effort into. The first stanza either catches the interest of the reader or turns the audience away. As you write, you should work on either having a powerful first stanza (but not too powerful!) or a first stanza that pulls us into the poem so that we want to read more and more of it.

As it stands now, I feel that this could use improvement. It feels like it's coming from a person who just feels bad or has a lot of bottled up angst. In your comment, I see that it's about a dream and a funeral, but I didn't catch these messages in the poem.

So! I would suggest using stronger wording, dear. It will certainly help build the poem, and give us a clearer understanding. Vague poems are cool sometimes, depending on the topic of them, but too vague poems are never really fun, unless they just have a super cool image to them.

Also! You're talking about a solitary good bye, but I don't see much connection to the surrounding area/theme of the poem. I know that a good bye would leave you feeling lonely, and/or it would be the last and only thing they say (which could make it a solitary statement) but other than that I don't see a connection, dear.

I would suggest breaking this down, laying all of the ideas out and building them. You have someone walking out the door? Which door is this, the door of your house, or the door of life? Clarify this, without having it extremely obvious. Build your poem around the ideas you have, without making it fall flat as we read it.

Good luck writing, silented! If you need any help, PM me.

Juniper

A very interesting poem. I like how it expresses deep feelings about someone dying. I also am intriguied by the thought of someone dying loving you, and someone living hating you. That's very curious. There was one or two grammar errors in this poem, but overall it was very well-written. I enjoyed the theme of it, of someone loving or hating you. It gave me reason to think of whether I'd want someone to die loving me or to live hating me. I'm gonna give some thought to that. This was very thought-provoking. Excellently written!

thanks AquaMarine27, FantasyWriter25 and springrain..

i don't know....what to really say... lol...sorry...

I really liked this. I liked how it really made you think about all the different possibilities and how it was rough around the edges instead of the usual polished look. So thank you for putting something on YWS that was unique.

_Writing for love is a passion_

AKA: Lexie

Hey!

I think this poem has a ton of potential. You have a very cool idea, you just need to sort out your ideas a little more and make them clearer. You could also try rewording your poem to make it have a stronger grip on the reader (does that makes sense?). It would also help build and clarify your poem.

Your beginning was a bit weak. Beginnings are what you really have to work on, since they create first impressions. You might have a really good poem, but if your beginning was weak, the reader wouldn't be as interested, and might even abandon reading the poem altogether.

I also agree with June about your theme. I don't really feel like it has a connection with the solitary goodbye, and if I does, I don't see it.

Overall, I liked this. It needs polishing, but it could really go a long way...

Keep up the good work!

zOe