Can You Feel What I Feel

Can you feel my emotions
Emerging from the blue sea
Deep in the depths of the ocean beneath us

Can you feel my excitement
Burning up
From the universe high above us

Can you feel my sadness
Slowly sneaking under the huge doors
That blocks hell from heaven

Can you feel my love
Above the oceans, the skies, the world
That lies among us

Can you feel what I’m feeling
Can you?
No?

Too bad

It’s the best feeling ever

That flies across the seas so wide
Runs across the lands ever so green
And Jumps beyond the twilight zone
Filled with sparking stars all so bright

That’s what I feel

I like this, it's pretty. Just some technical stuff...

Can you feel my sadness

Slowly sneaking under the huge doors

That block hell from heaven

Blocks should be block.

That lies between us

Between is for two, among is for groups of three objects/people or more.

That flies across the seas so wide

Runs across the lands ever so green

And Jumps beyond the twilight zone

Filled with sparking stars all so bright

I like this part especially, the imagery is nice.

Overall, pretty good! Keep writing!

~Ryllie

CuteBalletDancer7 wrote:
Slowly sneaking under the huge doors

Hello, welcome to YWS, a place where no one can fall down. Nice, you say, huh?
Well, on the review!

First of all, let's establish a few ground rules: punctuation is necessary; anyone who says it isn't is a homo. Well, it's not necessary all the time but in most cases is. I'm sure you can think your own example of a poem with no punctuation. Why didn't the poet put it? He surely had his reasons. When you become the master of the poetry, I'll let you go with no punctuation, okay?
You have rules for that in this section of the YWS, no need for you to go away already.

Secondly, the second stanza is too...ugh... I don't know how to say this. One verse is too different from the others in length and in meaning (first is some sort of question, second is nothing and third is some extra thing for the first). That counts for ever other stanza that begins with "Can you".

Oh, and the dialogue between you and...you-isn't the right stuff. If you have anything to say, say it loud and clear. It's a poem, not a talk show. Let the reader to decide what he thinks about your poem, don't ever give answers!

CuteBalletDancer7 wrote:
Slowly sneaking under the huge doors

Wonderful, perfect contrast-these huuuuge doors and your sadness not entering, but slooowly sneaking UNDER the doors-GREAT!

CuteBalletDancer7 wrote:That’s what I feel

Don't answer!

And for the end, don't think I'm mad or sth, but this is a review, not a festival of compliments.

-stay yourself