Lorelei

Lorelei

Come now, child, and sit ye near –
A story I would have you hear
Of Lorelei, my Laura-Lee,
Once-fair maiden turned nixie.
When sailor love turned sailor free,
Off she cast from rocky height
For want of what would never be.

Oh, Laura-Lee, fair Lorelei,
She did not die, but from that day
Did live to sing a song so sweet
Which called all men towards her feet.
So sailors, death, did gladly meet
Upon the selfsame rocky height
She’d plunged, enthroed by passion’s heat.

A vengeful spirit she’s become,
So heed me – do not trust the love
Which, by the moon and stars above,
Was lightly declared by your sailor chum
Lest you become like the Lorelei,
Another Rhine Maiden who lost her way.

I’m not the best judge of poetry Kyllorac but I had to review this at least a little when I saw the name Laura-Lee. My best friend from grade school used get called this even though her middle name was Jane…weird. But I thought I would give you a rough opinion.

First Stanza
Okay, I like the very tell tale feel of this, especially the first two lines. One problem I have here is the changing from “Lorelei” and “Laura-Lee.” Pick one or the other and my own personal opinion rests in “Lorelei” which looks more refined and has a softer less broken sound.

Third Stanza
Okay, I like this line to for its tell tale tone of voice all throughout in fact. You gave us the story in the first two stanzas then wrapped it up with a warning in the last one. Very good.

Rhyme
This is my only problem. Were you trying to create a rhyme scheme or weren’t you? I can’t tell. In some places it seems like you tried to make it rhyme but then if failed in others. Try to create something consistent.

~lilymoore

Kyllorac wrote:Lorelei

Come now, child, and sit ye near –
A story I would have you hear
Of Lorelei, my Laura-Lee,
Once-fair maiden turned nixie.
When sailor love turned sailor free
Off she cast from rocky height
For want of what would never be.

Oh, Laura-Lee, fair Lorelei,
She did not die, but from that day
Did live to sing a song so sweet
That sailors, death, did gladly meet
Upon the selfsame rocky height
She had plunged, enthroed by passion’s heat.

A vengeful spirit she’s become,
So heed me – do not trust the love
Which, by the moon and stars above,
Was lightly declared by your sailor chum
Lest you become like the Lorelei,
Another Rhine Maiden who lost her way.

I loved this! I especially love the last stanza - but i dont like how you say ye - i instantly lose interest whenever sailors or pirates or anything nautical are brought in to the situation. I love the name Lorelei...can i borrow it sometime?

Thanks for the comments you two.

@Lily - Laura-Lee is the person the poem is being addressed to. The Lorelei is a giant rock in the Rhine River and the name of one of the Rhine Maidens (basically German Sirens). Lorelei rhymes with "day." And I just noticed that I'm missing a line in the second stanza...

Fixed it. Now both the first two stanzas have the aabbbcb scheme I intended. ^^;

@huggy - It's kind of impossible not to bring a sailor into the situation considering what the Lorelei is. I don't own the name, so feel free to use it. You might want to research who/what exactly the Lorelei is, though.

It was alright, though I don't particularity like the changing of the spelling of the name. Maybe it was added for pronunciation but it just didn't fit. I thought the first stanza was very good and gave it a nice atmosphere that can be hard to achieve. I did notice, however, that the rhyme scheme was not followed in the first part. If you are going to make things rhyme, make sure you stick with the same scheme to keep a "rhythm" going. All in all, it was pretty good, though I think the story could have been a little more original. And "ye" did not fit in with the rest of it as that was the only time you used that language. Still, pretty good.