Untitled continued (edited)

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In other parts of the palace, not nearly so fancily appointed as the royal quarters due to the constant use they were put through, a small training class had convened for their first lessons in a small dirty court-yard. On each of it's four walls there were wooden replicas of the weapons commonly used by the men of Baireel. There were eight boys in total, all they all had the classic Baireel features: chestnut hair, green eyes, and olive complexions. They were well on their way to being as well-muscled as their fathers, except for one. He stood a good head above the other children, but had none of the bulk His eyes were hazel, and his features fine, and his complexion rather pale. Unlike most of them, who wore their hair cropped short, he wore his black hair in loose horses’ tail at the nape of his neck. The other boys watched this stranger warily.

“Who is ‘e?” one of the boys whispered, his hand held up to hide his mouth, “I ain’t never seen black hair on anyone but bastard kids and nobles.” Each of the boys shrugged and then looked the newcomer over. He didn’t look like much of a fighter. In fact, he looked as if he’d blow away as soon as mildly strong wind blew.

“’e looks like a girl, “another whispered back. This sent the small group into great guffaws of laughter. The other boy simply ignored them, picking the dirt out from under his nails. “Look! He even ignores us the same way a girl would!”

Before they could speculate any further, a tall commanding figure strode into the dusty court-yard and barked a command. The boys’ yelped and hurriedly put themselves into a single-file line facing this new man. He was tall and had rather hawkish features, he stalked back in forth in front of the boys and intently stared at each of them in turn with ice blue eyes. He was obviously not from Baireel, his giant stature, blonde hair, and fists the size of hams most definitely told them that much. The large man stalked over to one of the weapons’ racks and picked up a sword that looked more like a club with a hilt, and then turned to face them.

“Well? What are ye watin’ for? Pick yer weapons!” he shouted, thumping his club-sword into the dirt for emphasis.
Each of the boys scrambled to the racks and pulled weapons down heedless of the possible differences each tool might have. The black-haired boy stood for a moment, taking in the heft of several long light wooden swords and then picked one that most resembled a rapier. The large bear of a man barked another command and they quickly assembled back into their ranks. This was obviously going to become a routine.

“Right then,” the blonde man said, as he took in the weapons each of them had chosen. “Some of ye are goin’ ta soon regret goin’ for the largest.” He looked at each of them in turn and shook his head. “A pathetic lot, ye are! As ya all know, name’s Halicant, Halicant Northmor, captain of the Crimson Knights. As has been one of my many jobs for several years now, I get to cull the greenhorns. ” He smiled and rubbed his index finger along one side of his nose and winked.

“Now, I bet ye’re wonderin’ why I, big mighty captain I am, got the job of babysittin’ the half-wits right? I’ll tell ye why.” He made them all lean in close as if he were going to confide a great secret. Suddenly, in a great bellowing voice he shouted. “Because I just love deliverin’ bruises!” He let loose a belly-shaking laugh and each of the boys chortled nervously. The black-haired boy just frowned. He was quite curious as to when the actual training would begin.

(All reviews now correlate with my first post, untitled.)
Last edited by Dr.Atl on Sat Jun 20, 2009 8:14 pm, edited 3 times in total.




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Heya there! Me again...I know, joy. Ahem, not to the review.

(I had no idea whether to just edit and add this in or just make a new post..)


I like you chose to make a new post. 'Tis easier to review since I've already reviewed the last part ;)

Of course, seeing as the queen came from a country in which the nobility claimed to have been blessed with knowledge of all things since birth, she wasn’t aware of the fact that royal and commoners were all the same in the eyes of sickness.


Eeek! Yes, a pet peeve of mine, but this is a long sentence. Mayhap you could...split it up :D

The king once attempted to argue this fact, but all he got for his troubles was a swift jab in the eye with her majesty’s ivory fan.


So he had argued this before? On what occasion? Do they have other children and why is his wife so...beastly?

Aaron’s family was descended from a line of warrior nobles who had clawed their way of the backs over the fallen and claimed dominion over their warring country. As was the tradition, Aaron was to be dedicated to the life of a scholar and act as advisor to his oldest brother who would soon become king. Unfortunately, his brother’s party was ambushed on the way back from a peaceful visit to one of their allies and the title of heir to the throne was unceremoniously thrust upon him.


I think that this should be its own paragraph because that large block up there ^ could easily be split into two paragraphs ;)

The king whimpered as he snatched his hand back from the animal.


I was going to comment on how wimpy the king was...but with a wife like his I don't blame him :D

Lovely, though the king, I cannot even pet a Snow leopard correctly.


The king's (Aaron?) thoughts should be in italics.

the queen huffed and dug her fingernails into his arm.


The should be capitilized. And why is she so abusive? Will this be explained in later chapters?

On each of its’ four walls there were wooden replicas of the weapons commonly used by the men of Baireel.


Its' should be it's. There is only court-yard ;)

There were 8 boys in total, all they all had the classic Baireel features: chestnut hair, green eyes, and olive complexions.


8 should be eight. Always spell the numbers out unless it is a fairly large number.

The boys’ yelped and hurriedly put themselves into a single-file line facing this new man.


What do you mean "new man" ? Has he trained them before is he a new trainer? If he's been training them then just say newcomer :D

~~~~~~

I really enjoyed this...even though it was fairly short. I would---this is my personal opionion---have placed the part with the king and queen up there ^ in your last post and then dedicate this to boys in training and the "black haired boy".

There isn't much description in this piece--'twasn't that long. Mayhap put more somewhere. It'll add to your work.

I like the little history brief on the king. 'Twas interesting and gave him some more character...and a name! Along with the queen. She's not only a nag but a real...er...wench. *coughs*

The next part should be interesting.

Meadow
Purple light in the canyon
that is where I long to be
With my three good companions
just my rifle, pony and me

--- "My Rifle My Pony and Me"




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Ah, thank you for looking over this once again!I'll try to beef up my posts sometime. I always forget to re-add the italics and stuff like that when I post it on a forum, i'll edit that in a second. No, they only have the one child (most likely because the women's womb is pure evil) and the queen brings up common illnesses every once in awhile.

My english teacher taught me that 8 sentences make a proper paragraph, so I my paragraphs tend to be rather large..And the queen's evil because I enjoy having that one character who is just plain beastly. They're always quite fun to write for.

The next post will be longer and more detailed. I promise!




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the title of heir to the throne was, unceremoniously, thrust upon him.


On each of its[s]’[/s] four walls


There were 8 boys in total

Spell it out, the only time you can use numbers in a story is if it's an weird 3+ digit number like 567, or a date.

The boys[s]’[/s] yelped


This story is interesting, I would continue reading it if you had more. I only found a few gramaatic problems. If you ever need a review, just PM a link and I will see what I can do.

Signed,
Lethero the Werewolf
Fly, Fight, Win . . . in Air, Space, and Cyberspace.
-Air Force Mission Statement-

Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence In All We Do
~Air Force Core Values~

*Lethero*



One fish, two fish, red fish, aardvark.
— alliyah