All Mine 1.2

We were having a party to celebrate the fiftieth anniversary of the alliance between vampires and humans. An alliance, unbeknownst to the humans, formed on a misunderstanding and against our common enemy: the werewolf. About a century ago humans came to realize creatures like vampires and werewolves were not mythical at all. They finally knew we were very real and very dangerous.
Werewolves are wild and primal mutant animals. They run in packs and kill for the sake of killing. They have the mental capacity as any other animal and a ferocious killer instinct. They have no preference between humans and vampires.
The humans organized against both vampires and werewolves. In the beginning they were attacking us to no avail, but as time we went on they started to gain success as their technologies progressed. Vampires had to start watching their backs for both humans and wolves, but one night 50 years ago everything changed. A vampire attacked a wolf who was about to kill a human. The human thought the vampire was trying to save him. In reality the vampire was trying to claim the human for its self. While the wolf and vampire fought the human escaped and began spreading the word about what he thought had happened.
Humans began to see our potential as allies instead of enemies. They began reaching out to us. After much debate an agreement was made. If vampires agreed to stop killing humans, the humans would stop killing vampires, and we could work together against the wolves. We needed human blood to survive but killing humans was not necessary. We agreed that we would only drink enough blood to sustain, but we wanted civil rights and be able to keep our own governmental style. Both sides agreed and signed a treaty. Josiah and I ruled our people and met with the human president frequently to keep our alliance strong.
I turned to leave the ballroom. I was getting bored and more important than that I was getting thirsty. Since the treaty left the humans with little sacrifice we got a lot of perks. One of those perks was a huge gated four hundred acre estate. We paid no taxes, utilities or mortgage and we received a monthly allowance. The humans were basically paying us to live here. The main mansion on the estate held 18 bedrooms and they were other living quarters spread across the estate. Vampires were allowed to live other places in the country but this was the only place we could for free. This place was my kingdom.
Humans were all around the mansion pursuing vampires just as heavily as the vampires were pursuing them. After the treaty the humans became aware of another fact. A vampire’s bite wasn’t painful at all. In fact it delivered a pleasure that surpassed that of sex. Humans wanted us to feed off them. As soon as I stepped out of the ballroom I was approached by a lanky young boy. His blood was not repulsive but at the same time it did not appeal to me. Vampires were usually picky when it came to blood. We all had a type. My type was humans in their thirties, weighing around 150 pounds, with Hispanic ethnicity. This boy was not my type at all.
I smiled and shook my head at him. I moved around him and quickly spotted the perfect man for me. He was sitting on the couch with a glass of wine in his hand. I rushed over to him and grabbed his arm before he could take a sip. I could smell that his blood was free of any alcohol. I preferred them sober and after they’d just eaten. “Please don’t, you’ll ruin the flavor,” I smiled at him. He returned the smile and immediately set his glass down.
“You’re Celia, right?” he asked.
“Yes I am,” I replied.
“You’re choosing me? I can’t believe it. Dined on by the Queen vamp, I feel special,” he chuckled.
I giggled and leaned into him. I could hear his heart racing with anticipation. I stared into his eyes and gently grabbed his jaw tilting his head back. I could see his blood pulsing through his veins and he wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him. I smirked at his impatience and sank my fangs into his jugular. He gasped and his grip on me tightened. His blood flowed down my throat like liquid fire. We both moaned in ecstasy. He tasted as delicious as I had imagined. I drank as long as the gush of blood ran strong. When the blood slowed, I instantly pulled back. I licked using the venom on my tongue to close his wound. I repositioned his body on the couch so that he was lying on his back. He would need to rest a little to regain his strength. I got up from the couch and found Josiah staring at me, an impish grin on his face.
“Only you can make feeding look erotic,” he said. I smiled and rolled my eyes.
“Feeding is erotic. The way the humans moan you’d think we were doing something improper,” I replied. He laughed and wrapped his arms around my waist.
“We should do something improper,” he whispered in my ear. I opened my mouth to respond when I smelled her drawing near. Josiah’s arms dropped from me and turned toward her approach. I had totally lost his attention. Again the lust exuded from him…and her. She smiled up at him and placed her hand on his face, positioning it so that her wrist was close to his nose.
“Aren’t you thirsty? I’ve been waiting for your call all night,” Danielle purred.
A small smile played across Josiah’s lips as he reached up to hold her hand to his face. He looped his other arm around her waist and pulled her close to him.
“Well I’m thirsty now,” he replied. She pulled her hand from his face and turned to me while still in his arms.
“Hello Celia. I haven’t had a chance to talk to you all night. Sorry I can’t stay and chat but it seems that Josiah is in need of me,” Danielle said sneering at me. I smirked and crossed my arms.
“Yes, darling,” I said glancing at Josiah and then back at her. “Go ahead, you know it isn’t in good manners to play with your food.”

Hey, GreatEscape! I like where your story is going so far... Danielle sounds like a bitch. You were able to get that across pretty clearly.
I can't really think of anything to comment on in your style as a whole, but there were a few grammatical mistakes that I picked up.

We were having a party to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the alliance between vampires and humans.

You should use the actual word 'fiftieth' there, instead of just the numerals. My teacher in the newspaper club always yells at me when I put the numerals. You did this a few more times in your writing, as well.

An alliance, unbeknownst to the humans, formed on a misunderstanding and against our common enemy; the werewolf.

Instead of a semicolon there, you should just have a plain old colon. That was probably a typo.

About a century ago humans came to realize creatures like vampires and werewolves were not mythical at all. They realized we were very real and very dangerous.

You used the word 'realize' twice, and they were too close to each other. It makes it sound repetitive. You might want to consider using a different word there.

Werewolves are wild and primal mutant animals. They run in packs and kill for the sake of killing. They have no preference between humans and vampires.

You might want to change this to a new paragraph. You just went straight from telling how the humans realized that the vampires and werewolves were alive to talking solely about the werewolves, and it was a tad confusing.

In the beginning they were attacking us to no avail but as time we went on they started to gain success as their technologies progressed.

You should add a comma after the word 'avail,' just to split the sentence up a little bit.

Humans began to our potential as allies instead of enemies.

This sentence isn't really correct. There are a number of ways that you could change it to make it better; for example: 'Humans began to be our potatential allies, instead of enemies,' or 'Humans began to show potential as allies instead of enemies.'

If vampires agreed to stop killing humans the humans would stop killing vampires and we could work together against the wolves.

Throw some commas in there. Maybe after the word 'humans' the first time it's used and the word 'vampires' after the second time it's used.

We agreed that we would only drink enough blood to sustain but we wanted civil rights and be able to keep our own governmental style.

Once again, commas. Add one after the word 'sustain,' and you'll probably be good.

I could see his blood pulsing through his veins and he wrapped his arm around my waist pulling me closer to him.

Commas. I'm sorry; I have a thing about commas. You should add one after the word 'waist,' since the part of the sentence directly after that is just adding details.

He laughed and wrapped his arms around my waste.

Erm... homonyms. That's the wrong form of 'waist.'

She smiled up at him and placed her hand on his face positioning it so that her wrist was close to his nose.

I bet that you can already guess what I'm going to say. Add a quick comma after the word 'face.'

Sorry I can’t stay and chat but it seems that Josiah is in need of me,” Danielle said sneering at me.

I'm bet you're tired of me saying this by now. Add a comma after the word 'chat,' and after the word 'said.'

“Yes Darling,” I said glancing at Josiah and then back at her. “Go ahead, you know it isn’t in good manners to play with you’re food.”

Okay. I figure that you should add a comma after the word 'yes,' and probably make the word 'darling' lowercase, since it isn't a proper noun. Unless you wanted it to be one? I don't know. Any-a-ways, homonyms again. It should be 'play with your food' at the end, not 'play with you're food.' 'You're' is 'you are.'
Once again, I enjoyed reading this. I liked the idea that a peace between the vampires and humans was based on a screw-up; that was amusing. Also... Josiah seems like he's all sweet talk, but like he doesn't want to be faithful to Celia. I don't like him. I'm not sure if that was the angle that you were going for or not, but that was what I got from it.
See you around, and keep writing!

This was great it really caught my eye and made me want to read on.
I know the topic of vampires is overdone, but you've somehow made it original with the style you've got. You've added some beauty and mystery that is frequently missing in other vampire stories. You know what this reminds me of, the film: Underworld. At least, I think it's called that...
There were a few mistakes but AdrianaConnor has picked them out for you.
Although the: "He laughed and wrapped his arms around my waste." Just made me laugh. Ew.
Please, do PM me when you write more.
~EmmaJane~

Thanks you guys for reviewing! Reviews are still welcome by the way. I edited and fixed all the embarrassing mistakes I made. And yes I will PM you you I add the next piece EmmaJane.

Hey GreatEscape Thank you ^^

I, uh, noticed something.

“Well I’m thirsty now,” he replied. She pulled her hand from his face and turned to still in his arms.

I'm guessing: ...his face and turned to me, while still in his arms.

The "while" shows it's Danielle and not Celia - I think that works *shrugs* - and you just forgot the "me"

but my first comment still applies.



~EmmaJane~

Excuse me if this isn't too good, since this is my first review.

This definitely has potential. I love how the humans actually want to have their blood sucked, rather than it being a horrifically painful that anyone sane would avoid at all costs. Also, you got me interested in your characters right off the bat.

“We should do something improper,” he whispered in my ear. I opened my mouth to respond when I smelled her drawing near. Josiah’s arms dropped from me and turned toward her approach. I had totally lost his attention. Again the lust exuded from him…and her. * She smiled up at him and placed her hand on his face, positioning it so that her wrist was close to his nose. * “Aren’t you thirsty? I’ve been waiting for your call all night,” Danielle purred.

You missed a line break here. It was probably just a typo, though. I'm not sure where you intended to put the break, so it added a * thing in both of the places it could be.

This was really good, and probably the first vampire story I've been into. I'll be keeping an eye on this one.