My Sole Reason For Suicide [Chapter One. Kitten]

When I smile, it's fake. My laugh sounds like a cry for help. My tears mean nothing. Suicide? you ask. No, it's just worthless and selfish. Love? No, there is no such thing anymore. It's been over publicized, and everyone wanting to find it, makes do with what they have and marry someone they can't stand just to say they've found love like the newest accessory. Life, what does it mean to anyone anymore? Just suffering? Because that's the definition in my dictionary. Talking? What's the point if there's no one with ears anymore? Everyone is too busy with if they made Cheer Squad, how much money their couch purse cost, who has the biggest house, who is going to win American Idle. What's the point anymore?

I walk along the New York streets alone. I check the windows, seeing if anyone is looking. I see but one person looking back. That person is always with me, even in the rain, in the snow. I watch as she shivers on the streets with me. She's always at my side. It's nice having someone, even though that person if my reflection. She's always coping me though. I don't like it. Can't she figure out something else to do with her time?

"Out of my way!" Someone yells and shoves me to the ground. They run past me, no awaiting hand to help me up, so sorry, nothing. It's brought me back to what I'm doing at least.

I stand up, and brush myself off. I continue walking, watching as all of the other people on the streets avoid me by crossing the street. What happened to people? Didn't they used to be nice? No, wait, that was the book I read in kindergarten with my class. I trip over something, and I hesar little meows. I scramble to my feet and find a little kitten shivering in the snow.
"Aw, come here little guy." I pick up the small runt, and brush the snow and dirt off of him. I look at the kitten, and see myself. Out on the streets, alone, no one to care for. "You're name is going to be Sam. Do you like that?" The cat shivered in my hands.

I continue my walk along the streets, looking for a new place to sleep. It's going to be hard in the snow. I come across a park, Sam is asleep, so I sit on a low-lying branch on a tree. I balance myself so that i won't fall, and as night falls, I fall asleep.

Hey, Master. I guess I should say welcome to YWS and I'm going to review this for you. I'll give you some grammar nitpicks and then some feedback at the end.

Suicide? you ask.

You should just connect both these little parts. Suicide, you ask. I think that's right. I'm not sure.

It's been over publicized, and everyone wanting to find it, makes do with what they have and marry someone they can't stand just to say they've found love like the newest accessory.

I like this part, but when you read it, it sounds sort of weird. Maybe try something like this:It's been over publicized, everyone wants to find it. They make do with what they have and marry someone they can't stand just to say they've found love like the newest accessory. Or something like that.

Everyone is too busy with if they made Cheer Squad, how much money their [s]couch[/s] Coach purse cost, who has the biggest house, who is going to win American [s]Idle[/s] Idol.

This sounds kind of awkward when you read it, too. The cheer part especially. Try this: Everyone is too busy wondering if they made the cheer squad...

I see but one person looking back.

Maybe this: I see only one person looking back.

It's nice having someone, even though that person [s]if[/s] is my reflection.

Just a typo.

[s]so[/s] no sorry, nothing.

Alright, I hope that wasn't too bad. Some suggestions I have for you:

Read through your work out loud if you do that, you can hear sentences that sound funny when you read them, so you can change them. You had quite a few awkward sentences in here. Don't worry, though, it's a problem for me too. Reading out loud really does help though. I don't mind if you use my suggestions, but try to come up with your own, too.


Read through it in your head, also. That way you can find typos, you had a few of those.

Take advantage of the spell check on YWS.

I liked this and it was interesting. But, please, don't make this another angsty story about a teen who doesn't see the point in life anymore, and nobody listens, and nobody cares so she runs away story. It's been done, make yours different because you can. This has a lot of potential. Good luck!

I kind of like it, but I hope this one will have something more than suicidal intentions.

I walk along the New York streets alone. I check the windows, seeing if anyone is looking. I see but one person looking back. That person is always with me, even in the rain, in the snow. I watch as she shivers on the streets with me. She's always at my side. It's nice having someone, even though that person if my reflection. She's always coping me though. I don't like it. Can't she figure out something else to do with her time?

At first she said it's nice having even just a reflection by her side, but at the end she doesn't like it. Should've put the 'but' earlier, I hope you understand what I mean.

"Out of my way!" Someone yells and shoves me to the ground. They run past me, no awaiting hand to help me up, no sorry, nothing. it brought me back to what I'm doing at least.

I stand up, and brush myself off. maybe combine this sentence with the next one, repetition of I. I continue walking, watching as all of the other people on the streets avoid me by crossing the street. What happened to people? Didn't they used to be nice? No, wait, that was the book I read in kindergarten with my class. I trip over something, and I hear little meows. I scramble to my feet and find a little kitten shivering in the snow.

"Aw, come here little guy." I pick up the small runt, and brush the snow and dirt off of him. I look at the kitten, and see myself.semi colon? Out on the streets, alone, no one to care for. "You're name is going to be Sam. Do you like that?" The cat shivered in my hands.

Well, I like it. Not sure if you're going to continue it but, so far it's still peaceful. The MC seemed to be able to ignore the suicidal mood at the beginning, just want to point that out.

I'm not sure if the MC will go suicidal or not, b/c right now her problem seemed to be coming from sheer loneliness. I don't think that's enough for her to go suicide, but I don't know, I'll see when I read more of this in the future.

Alright. I am in more of over all mood today, and since you've already got most of your nit-picky grammar issues out of the way, this is going to be more of a review of the story as a whole. Now that was a run on sentence...

Your Main Character
Right now she's just another depressed teen. I don't feel anything for her, because I've read her story in so many other books. She doesn't appear to have a reason to be depressed, besides homelessness. And yes, she's homeless, but that leads me to...

Realisticness
Sure, there are tons of homeless in New York, but they don't sleep on tree branches. A police officer would come and make you move!
Then there was that incident with the pedestrian, who tells our lonely little MC to "get out of the way." Seriously? People aren't that rude. I can't imagine someone saying that. It seems as though it was added just to show how lonely and sad the life of Little Miss (or Mister) MC is.
Then there was the kitten. A kitten, just lying in the middle of NYC? I find that hard to believe.

Plot
You're walking a very fine line. Suicide has been done millions of times before and I don't see this as different from the rest of them. How are you going to make yours original?

Good luck and happy editing ~~
Antigone

xXMasterXx wrote:When I smile, it's fake.

There is nothing wrong with this first sentence, but maybe elaboarte a little bit more on why your MC smiles fakely? Like, this MC is obviously a person who has problems with their live, so why not start out with the flashback of an event that has shaped your MC. For Example, if the problem is that the MC has an abusive father, start out with a memory of that abuse. It will be an interesting hook that will grab alot of readers.

xXMasterXx wrote:My laugh sounds like a cry for help.

This part i do not understand what you are trying to say. If you laugh, aren't you in a happy and good mood? Maybe this MC has always been sad / depressed for so long, they have lost contact with the ideas of laughter and happiness. Try "Maybe there was a time when I was happy and carefree, loved and always laughing. But now, I can't even remeber how it feels."

xXMasterXx wrote:My tears mean nothing.

Huh, what, wait? You told us in the first two sentences (and in the title) that your main character is an emtionally depressed person. If they cry, wouldn't they be crying about their problems?

xXMasterXx wrote:Suicide? you ask. No, it's just worthless and selfish. Love? No, there is no such thing anymore. It's been over publicized, and everyone wanting to find it, makes do with what they have and marry someone they can't stand just to say they've found love like the newest accessory. Life, what does it mean to anyone anymore? Just suffering? Because that's the definition in my dictionary. Talking? What's the point if there's no one with ears anymore? Everyone is too busy with if they made Cheer Squad, how much money their couch purse cost, who has the biggest house, who is going to win American Idle. What's the point anymore?

This Paragraph Is confusing and all over the place. In the first sentence, I'm getting the Impression that that main character is asking the reader if they think the MC is suicidial. Good Start, but then, No, It's just worthless and selfish? What? How do those connect. Then you go to love. Love? I like how you say your MC has lost contect with love, but maybe put in in the second sentence, with the losing contanct with happiness and laughter. Alright, erm, for the rest of the paragraph, I like how your main charcater is questioning the meaning of life, but you still have yet to mention why your MC is emotinoally depressed. Also, in the instance you are using it, idle is spelled idol.

xXMasterXx wrote: I walk along the New York streets alone.

Okay, try to elaborate a little bit more, please. Why is your main character walking in the streets? What are they doing?

xXMasterXx wrote: I check the windows, seeing if anyone is looking. I see but one person looking back. That person is always with me, even in the rain, in the snow. I watch as she shivers on the streets with me. She's always at my side. It's nice having someone, even though that person if my reflection. She's always coping me though. I don't like it. Can't she figure out something else to do with her time?

Okay, this paragraph should probably be worded a little differently. As I read, before I read the words 'my reflection' i thought your Main Character had a stalker. You don't want to confuse your readers. Also, this is jumpy. You were walking in the new york streets, and now your checking out the windows?

xXMasterXx wrote: "Out of my way!" Someone yells and shoves me to the ground. They run past me, no awaiting hand to help me up, so sorry, nothing. It's brought me back to what I'm doing at least.

Now back in the streets again? I'm confused. Also, why is someone shoving your Main Character?

xXMasterXx wrote: I stand up, and brush myself off. I continue walking, watching as all of the other people on the streets avoid me by crossing the street. What happened to people? Didn't they used to be nice? No, wait, that was the book I read in kindergarten with my class. I trip over something, and I hesar little meows. I scramble to my feet and find a little kitten shivering in the snow.
"Aw, come here little guy." I pick up the small runt, and brush the snow and dirt off of him. I look at the kitten, and see myself. Out on the streets, alone, no one to care for. "You're name is going to be Sam. Do you like that?" The cat shivered in my hands.

I continue my walk along the streets, looking for a new place to sleep. It's going to be hard in the snow. I come across a park, Sam is asleep, so I sit on a low-lying branch on a tree. I balance myself so that i won't fall, and as night falls, I fall asleep.

Okay, Okay. First of all this is a cute story with potetional. However, this is lacking much needed description and development. I don't know anything about your main character besides they have emotional problems. Describe the scene a little bit more. How is your character feeling in a certain spot. Give them a name, a past, a history.

It's a little dull and unrealistic and needs more description, detail and reaserch.

PM Me If you have any questions