Different

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Dig a dark whole in your life,
big enough to let mistakes flow in,
wrong decisions keep you up,
fear of consequences keeps you out.
So you lay awake,
pretending to be something you're not,
something you're becoming,
a delicate cliche.
The truth and lies of it,
swirling side by side,
bleeding into each other.
Until the fine line disintegrates.
The tender rules of honesty bent,
until they're broken, cracked and bled.
The way out disapproved.
So you plunge a dagger through my heart,
To prove I don't love.
Please, do it now in your anger and your spite.
And I'll bleed into hell,
see heaven glistening above
Every cloud has a silver lining,
but every light has a black outline,
And every daggers soft,
Sometime in the stabbing.
My innocent heart doesnt beat the same,
as those who who try to slay the pure.
Compare me to humanity,
Compare me to my soul,
Differently alike.
Last edited by emotionally(un)stable on Thu Jun 18, 2009 7:25 pm, edited 2 times in total.
We could learn a lot from crayons; some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, while others bright, some have weird names, but they all have learned to live together in the same box.




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Hi unstable! I'm Kat, and I will review your poem ;)

Line(s) by line(s)!

Dig a dark whole in your life,
big enough to let mistakes flow in,
Wrong decisions keep you up,
fear of consequences keeps you out.

You have a nice concept here, and an interesting way of exposing it.
Wrong doesn't need to be capitalized. When the above line ends with a comma, the bellow usually doesn't need to be capitalized.
The last two lines I don't completely understand, Keeping up? as in how much deeper you can sink into the whole? And if you say up, the contradiction should be down, not out.
I have to give you credit for your punctuation. Many people think that punctuation isn't needed in poetry. I'm glad you're not one of those :D

Pretending to be something your not,
something your becoming.
Truth and lies swirl side by side,
bleeding into each other.

Wow! Now we have a completely different theme flying around! pretending to be something... has nothing to do with the whole. Also, your should be you're, the contraction of the you and are, in both cases.
Again, another theme flying around! Now lies and truth and all. Try to connect your themes a bit more, so that change is not so drastic. Add some liens to connect them, if it helps. And the two themes on this line don't go along nicely.

The fine line disintegrates.
Rules are bent until they're broken.
The way out disapproved.
Plung a dagger through my heart,
To prove I don't love.

Dramatic... I love it! The advise here is to connect the first lines. Use but, and, so...
The 'to' in the last line doesn't need to be capitalized. I believe plung should be plunge.

Too late to task you too,
It seems you already have.
Every cloud has a silver lining,
but every light has a black outline ,
And every daggers soft,
Sometime in the stabbing.

The second 'too' should be a to. Don't capitalize the 'it'.
Again, you change to the clouds and all. make that change softer.
I believe the only way to explain the daggers is that you did a typo and it should be dagger's, as in dagger is.
Sometime sounds wrong. Make it plural. I'm not sure than even that could fix the line. It's just so... awkward.
try to reword, will you, dear? :wink:

Compare me to humanity,
Compare me to my soul,
Differently alike.

Again, themes! Connect them.
Compare you to your soul? That sounds like the same. Compare yourself to something else ;)
Nice ending.

overall: it was a nice rad, but all the concepts mixed up made the message unclear to me. Correct the grammar mistakes, use some connectors and you'll be great!

Hope I helped, and if you have questions, feel free to PM me :D
*Kat*
Piglet: How do you spell love?
Pooh: You don't spell it. You feel it.

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My, my! Unstable, you have gotten better :D
I'm glad you could so well improve your poem. You still haven't corrected some grammar mistake, which I'll point out:

pretending to be something your not, <--- should be you're instead of your
something your becoming, <--- should be you're instead of your


I loved on of the transactions you improved!

So you lay awake,
pretending to be something your not,
something your becoming,
a delicate cliche.

Awesomeness! :D

I loved this!
*Kat*
Keep up!
Piglet: How do you spell love?
Pooh: You don't spell it. You feel it.

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This is truly a work of art! I love the way this flows! Bravo emotionally(un)stable!! Bravo! Keep the poems coming, even if you did just come up with it, it came out amazing! If I could write like this... well... It would be better then my work that's for sure! I love the poem, I really really do! Write more! I can't wait to read them! :D ~xXMasterXx
I like walking in the rain 'cause no one knows I'm crying.



I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do.
— Leonardo da Vinci