Oblivious

A door slams shut.
Fear overcomes her.
She tries to go to school.
To make herself useful.
All she gets is torment.
Every night she waits,
Until he comes and hurts her in every way possible.
She can’t speak out.
She lives a life of silence.
An outcast at school,
She’ll never be accepted.
She sits all alone,
Shoulders slouched,
Looking down.
As tears stream down her face.
People pass by her,
Oblivious.

-Written with help from Erika Bunag

Hey there! I'm Kamas!

This is an interesting poem
The message is cliched but you wrote it well.

I don't have much time so this will be very basic.

A door slams shut.
Fear overcomes her.
She tries to go to school.
To make herself useful.
All she gets is torment.
Every night she waits,
Until he comes and hurts her in every way possible. <-- This line is like.... WHOOSH! It is much longer than the rest and throws off the entire poem.
She can’t speak out.
She lives a life of silence.
An outcast at school,
She’ll never be accepted.
She sits all alone,
Shoulders slouched,
Looking down.
As tears stream down her face.
People pass by her,
Oblivious.


There are no grammar mistakes or anything. That line above is way to long! Change it!
There is something missing or off about this poem I can't quite put my finger on..

It might be just me or the flow is weird
It is like

Word word word word Stop (pause)
Word word word word stop (pause)

etc

I find it bizzare but that might not be it... I'm not sure.
*ponders*
Read it out loud to yourself or wait for more reviews
Someone will notice what I missed.

Otherwise! This was a short little poem that I quite enjoyed
Keep writing and PM me for questions.

K A M A S

Hello there!
Hey, your friends has the same name as me : ) When I saw the description, I thought it was about suffrage and all that-just goes to show what US History 1 can do to you. Anyways, it was a it of a shock when I started reading your poem, and not just because I misunderstood the meaning. I think you did a pretty good job with your message. It was verry powerful in places. I agree about the longer line, though. It threw things off. I understand what it is like to have to pretend nothing is wrong, or to have no one notice something is, so this really hit home. With some tweaks this good be really good. Nice job on this!

Hey guys ! Thanks for the replies ;D
I'm going to change it now, and edit it later (: hahaha.
Thanks you!
x

wow. I like this poem a lot. You can really feel the emotions of the girl involved, and I think it fits your project well. It also highlights the point that many who suffer do so unnoticed, as people tend to think it doesn't involve them. Well done!