Sacred

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do you think Master Ry really is evil?

yes
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no
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maybe
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Total votes : 1


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Chapter 1: the beginning
I awoke to a woman in white uniform standing at the foot of my bed. She wore a mask over her mouth and a tight wound bun in her hair. I wasn’t very comfortable on this hard mat people call a bed. The glare from the light hurt my already aching eyes. My head was pounding from the previous events.
‘What happened?’ I thought to myself.
All I remember was slapping myself in the face to keep myself awake before sleep swept over me. A dark shadow, the mysterious silhouette of a man loomed closer to me. I heard my heart beating in my ears. He whispered something incomprehensible and inhuman. It sounded of a forewarning. I blinked and he was gone. I was suddenly thrown back by an invisible force. A deep pain struck my thigh. I felt around me and I felt shards of glass surrounding me. I wondered where the man went. I fought my body demanding sleep, but in the end, the dark blankets of sleep captured me in a deep slumber.
“Can you hear me? Are you awake?” The woman’s frantic voice brought me back to reality.
Remembering the unbearable pain I look at my thigh and wince. I needed stitches. Now.
My thigh was cut deeply and was swollen two times the size.
“Oshen? Oshen Rose?” The woman said.
“How do know my name?” I croaked in alarm. I barely recognized my own voice. My palms started to sweat and a new pain in my head started. If she knew my name, she would own all my powers.
“Don’t be alarmed, for I am a Sacred. I am here to help you.” The stunning woman said. Her auburn eyes locked on mine. Suddenly, images and explanations came rushing into my mind, just like Names do.
There are 5 Sacreds. If you are not a Sacred, you are a Keeper. Keepers keep secrets. The alliance she has joined is considered “the good side”. A Sacred knows everyone’s name. When a Sacred dies, another one is born in its place. A Sacred becomes a true Sacred at the age of 16. On the day of their 15th birthday, 365 days before their 16th birthday powers begin to manifest. Every Sacred knows everyone’s full name along with another unique power. The other alliance is considered “the bad side”. The leader is a Sacred and uses his powers for evil. He is called Master Ry. He controls many members of our secret society. It takes 10 years for a Sacred to replenish. Then, it takes 16 more years for a Sacred to mature. If all Sacreds die, Sacreds will never be seen again. Extinct. Dead.
The pictures that flashed by were pictures of Sacreds. Many beautiful faces flashed by, revolving around one man. He seemed familiar…
The woman handed me a glass of water. I took a sip and that’s when it struck me. He was the one.
I gasped. Now I remember! He was the one who attacked me. Master Ry, the leader of “the bad side”. Another struck me. A syringe punctured my arm.
“This will make you a quite tired.” She said.
“No I need to leave. Now.” I slurred as my voice cracked.
A few more minutes of silence stretched on where I tried to stay awake, but the medicine was doing its job. I just wonder what that job is. I was contained in a deep slumber.

Chapter 2: My dream
I wake in a dark place. I’m lying on a hard cot. I try to hop off, but I ache too much to move. I feel around the bed. There is a table and a… a knife? I sever my index finger with the sharp object. My eyes adjust to the darkness the slightest bit. I see a faint shape in the corner. Is it a chair? Is it a person? My eye lids started to get heavier.
I felt the most tired I have ever been in my life.
“I will be back…” An inhuman looming voice said. My heart was racing. I tried to keep a steady breath so I wouldn’t show consciousness.
I drifted off to unbearable sleep.

Chapter 3: first look
I woke up to the morning sun shining thru my bedroom window pronouncing that is was going to be a beautiful day out. I got dressed for another interminable day of school. I check my closet for some clothes, Grab the outfit and take off my pajamas. In the process of doing so I notice a mark the length of a number two pencil on my thigh. It’s stitched up and it sends a wave of pain down my leg whenever I touch or jostle it.
I try to remember when I got this monstrous cut, but nothing comes to my mind.
Once I’m finished getting ready I hop down the stairs as the smell of bacon drags me down the stairs. My kitchen has granite topped counters and hardwood floors. The pantry is to my left and the fridge is to my right. I trudge to the kitchen table and snatch a piece of bacon.
“Good bacon?” My mom asks. I chew the crunchy goodness.
“Great.” I reply with a mouthful of food.
“I have to get to the gym so you have to hitch a ride with Dyson.” Mom’s full lips say. Dyson is sixteen and he’s my best friend, I’ve known him for as long as I can remember. My Mom has long, brown, curly hair and big green eyes. She looks a lot like me, except for the fact that I got my dads long blonde straight hair“Alright ” I grumble.
I walk out the front steps of my house and see my best friend Dyson waiting for me in his black corvette. He pats the seat next to him and plaster a big grin on my face, swing the door open and sit.
“Where to?” Dyson said with his calm blissful voice.
“Where do you think?” I said sarcastically.
“Stupid Window Pane High, god where do they pick these names, really is there a hammer high too. The lunch is the only thing good about the place.” Dyson muttered.
“Get over it.” I retorted as I throw my bag in the backseat on top of his leather seats.
Dyson sighs and drives on to a stop light. “It bothers me.”
“What bothers you?” I said confused.
“The whole ‘Goth’ thing. It creeps me out.” Dyson said.
Ha got him! I always change my look to be different and to tick Dyson off. Serves him right, that goody two shoes.
“I needed a new look. The old one was getting old, anyway.” I said tugging at my black shirt with a skull on it.
“You only had your last for 2 weeks.” He stated.
“Exactly.” I said.
Dyson sighed. He pulls his car to a stop right next to the entrance.
I grab my bag and open the door. I step out and see the most breathtaking man I have ever seen. He wore all black and skinny jeans. His dark brown hair covers most of his face and shaded his eyes. His eyes were a deep blue. He wore black DCs. His face seemed to be sculpted by Michael Angelo a perfect angel. He seemed too old to be a high schooler. His car was a shiny Prius, he seemed rich.
We were a mere two feet apart. I stepped closer, as if some unknown force was pulling me towards him. One foot apart.
Our eyes met and, for a change, his name didn’t immediately pop into my mind.
Dyson comes up behind me and spooks me. He tickles my lower back. I jump about a foot in the air.
“Rose, that’s what you get for kicking me in 5th grade.” Dyson chuckled.
I walked away from the man feeling joyous for some reason. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy in my life. The whole world seemed to sharpen focus. My problems faded in the blink of an eye for now all my worries would have to wait.

Chapter 4: middle of the semester
First period math class was hectic. Two tests had to be taken. The man that I saw out front was sitting next to me, him being there made class three times crazier than it really felt. I couldn’t stop staring at him and thinking about him. I’m one-hundred percent positive I flunked my first test, great way to start I chided myself. I could feel his gaze boring holes into my brain. Did he do that on purpose? No, why would he do that? Shut up! Just focus on… the tests.
Minutes before the bell rang to signal second period his head turned sideways and his eyes met mine for a brief moment my heart raced faster than the speed of light. I felt my cheeks get hot as I dared myself to look any longer. But in the end I held his gaze, not backing down or showing him he was stronger than me. His eyes slid away from mine and he seemed to be concentrating very hard on the teacher’s normal boring lecture.

Why didn’t I know his name? What was his name? What was he called? Where did he come from? I need to find answers.
I check the clock, fifteen minutes till lunch. The only problem is my previous detentions. I lean slowly over to sneak a peek at the heading on his paper.
Bry L.
1/14/11
Pg. 12 algebra
“Miss Rose!” My math teacher stands up from her desk. Her name is Ms. Lillian Gomez, but we call her Ms. Doubt.
“Yes?” I said embarrassed. I could tell my face was turning red.
“See me in the hallway.” Ms. Gomez said.
I walk quickly to the door, straining to ignore the staring faces. I hate being the center of attention.
My mom will kill me if I get one more detention. We were just out the door when the bell rang.
Thank god! I think to myself.
“We’ll talk later.” She said, somewhat sad. It’s almost like she wants to get kids in trouble, she likes to hand out detention slips.
Wait, was there still fifteen minutes left? Fifteen minutes couldn’t have gone by that fast. I check the clock and sure enough, its noon, lunchtime.
Kids start pouring out of classrooms. I had to wait for everyone to leave the math room before I could get in.
My mind was buzzing to try to find an explanation of all this. Nothing comes to mind. So far I have two mysterious things to worry about: the strange scar on my leg. The bell ringing fifteen minutes beforehand. The clock probably goes fast now because of daylight savings time.
I finally walk in the room to see Bry there, still sitting at his desk. Ms. Gomez notices him not having left and approaches him.
“You need to go to lunch.” Ms. Gomez said sort of angrily.
“Need to finish, Ms. Doubt.” He whispered. His deep voice was foreign. Not American. It sounded English, or Italian, and a little familiar.
Ms. Gomez was blocking my way to my desk.
I cleared my throat in attempt in getting to my desk. “Ms. Lillian Gomez? Can you please move?” I said.
Some strong force pushed her aside. I used her real name.
Great, now Ms. Gomez and so called Bry knows my power. Bry’s head shoots up. His eyes lock on mine for a moment. I retract my gaze from Bry. Ms. Gomez is stunned as she glares at me.
“You’re-you’re a-a-” Ms. Gomez stutters. Bry grabs Ms. Gomez and her eyes roll back in her head. He whispers something foreign to her and she drops to the floor. He looks at me with gloomy, blue eyes.
I hurry to my bag and rush to my locker. I want to get as far away from him as I can.
What happened? I think to myself. What did he do to Ms. Gomez? Will she be okay? Did he also have powers? Well, of course he does.




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Gender Male
Points 1040
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I didn't read the whole story, but I read the first few chapters; enough to get an overview of your plot.
Not any grammatical mistakes anyway; but my writing technique is very much centered around detail and development. When I read your story; I revise it in my head with greater structure and all that cool stuff. (No; I'm not saying I'm a better writer. Not all readers want lengthy depictions.) I like the concept, and you didn't contradict your own concepts. I didn't read it all, but don't see any problems with what I did read. Well; nothing you should worry about. You'll see how I write when the chance arises.




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Points 12900
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Hi lizzytink,

Unfortunately, I found this story quite difficult to follow. There are a lot of technical errors, like missing words, wrong dialogue punctuation, txtspk such as "thru" for "through", etc. The tense changes repeatedly between past and present, sometimes even in the same sentence. This really needs a proofread and maybe some help from Microsoft Word's grammar checker.

I also felt like the plot wasn't very coherent:

* The narrator wakes up after a fight.
* There's a flashback which creates a weird loop in which the narrator falls asleep again and seems to wake up back at the start of the story.
* Then she receives a massive infodump apparently downloaded directly into her brain.
* She has a very brief dream.
* She wakes up again and goes to school.
* There's a random hot guy.
* The narrator uses her magic power on a teacher.

None of this really seems to be connected at all. The only reason I know that these events are even happening to the same person, in roughly the order given, is because of the stitched cut on the narrator's thigh in the third chapter. I'm really lost as to the plot logic, and I think you may need to slow down and rethink what's going on.

The lack of emotion feels very distant to me. Sometimes it even comes across as bizarre. For example:

There is a table and a… a knife? I sever my index finger with the sharp object.


She cuts off her own finger? What? Why? This seems like a totally random piece of insanity. She doesn't seem to feel any fear, it doesn't hurt, there's no bleeding. There's no emotional or physical reaction to mutilating herself at all. I'm actually considering that "sever" may be a typo for some other word, because this just doesn't make sense.

And again:

I grab my bag and open the door. I step out and see the most breathtaking man I have ever seen. He wore all black and skinny jeans. His dark brown hair covers most of his face and shaded his eyes. His eyes were a deep blue. He wore black DCs. His face seemed to be sculpted by Michael Angelo a perfect angel. He seemed too old to be a high schooler. His car was a shiny Prius, he seemed rich.

We were a mere two feet apart. I stepped closer, as if some unknown force was pulling me towards him. One foot apart.

Our eyes met and, for a change, his name didn’t immediately pop into my mind. [snip]

I walked away from the man feeling joyous for some reason. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy in my life. The whole world seemed to sharpen focus. My problems faded in the blink of an eye for now all my worries would have to wait.


She sees a random hot guy, is utterly hypnotised by him, all her problems are magically wiped away by some unknown force, and that's it? She doesn't find this reaction at all weird? Even though she has magic powers and thus might be wondering if spontaneous weird stuff is caused by other magic? It doesn't scare her, or freak her out, or make her stay away from him - or anything at all?

I feel like there's a total lack of logical emotional reactions here. We really need to get into your narrator's head so I can understand why she's self-mutilating in one scene and being transformed into a Stepford wife in the next.

(On a minor note, I can't imagine what accent could "sound English, or Italian". English and Italian accents are totally different.)

Take what's useful to you and discard the rest.

Karsten



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