Choice

Out of the darkness
Into the light
God was the planner
we pay the price

When we were still young,
to young to have learned
we were faced with a choice
God's wrath duly earned

Our father in heaven
saw that we knew
the difference between
the false and the true

We had to grow up,
make our own choices now
He cried for us
then wiped the sweat from his brow

We would know pain
We would know death
We would call out
with our very last breath

But we would know love
along with the pain
Devotion, emotion
Retribution and gain

With tears in his heart
He let us go
Demons and Angels
now we all know

This is amazing, and I understand everything you are saying.

The only thing I can see that is wrong with it is the fact that it has almost no pucnuation.

FLyerS wrote:Out of the darkness
AND Into the light
God was the planner
we pay the price

Okay, what price? Punctuation needed.

FLyerS wrote:When we were still young,
to young to have learned
we were faced with a choice
God's wrath duly earned

I didn't get this stanza.

FLyerS wrote:We had to grow up,
make our own choices now
He cried for us
then wiped the sweat from his brow

This is too long..or too short, I mean, the verses are. Especially the last one. It just doesn't fit.

FLyerS wrote:With tears in his heart
He let us go
Demons and Angels
now we all know

This is amazing, but this last stanza lost it everything without punctuation.
Otherwise, the poem was great, I enjoyed reading it (over and over again).

Hey there, Flyer! June here!

I found this to be a pretty nice poem. The stanzas were short, with short verses-- nicely written.

I just want to point this out:

When we were still young,

to young to have learned

we were faced with a choice

God's wrath duly earned

Here, I believe that the underlined "to" should be "too", dear.


I think you did a wonderful job with rhythm, dear. It flowed perfectly, and fortunately, the poem does not seem forced as it reads, nice job on that.

Keep it up.

June

hey flyer this is dogs

I just wanted to say that this poem was GREAT AND I REALLY REALLY LOVE IT. i can't really find anything bad to say. ignore darko. i completly understand this, however perhaps it might make it flow better in the first stanza last line by saying we must pay the price??

other than that i think that this is a complete master piece and you don't need anything more.













TuckEr EllsworTh