my curse

i once cursed a man..
before my death.
to live a life.
without regret..
with out pain..
and strife..
of pure happiness.
no hardships
what so ever..


and then i cursed him..
to lose it all for a week..
but then to regain it
the next week and the week after..



and yet..
this man killed himself...
on that week
because he never knew pain..
never knew strife..
because he didn't have hardship..
and that is why..

he died..

Ok flower here.

First of all you have some flow at the end, but nowhere else. Which makes this a little weird.

I don't really get the message. Is it that cursing people could kill them in the end?

Anyway um without is one word not two. Before posting try and click the spelling button on the top.

The lines need to be capitalized in the beggining of the lines.

I think at some points it is ryming and then it just kinda stops in places. If it is going to ryme, ryme it all the way through.

If you edit these things I would really like it. Some things just distract me.

Anyway I am not being mean, just giving you your first review.

Keep Writing

-Flower-

Hey, welcome to YWS! remember to review some stuff before you post, or you'll have the YWS ninjas after you... anyway...
It's good, I think I understand what you're trying to say, but the rhythm (or lack thereof) makes it a bit confusing. It didn't flow quite as well as it could, and try to make the rhyme scheme more consistant. Otherwise, its good! Again, welcome and PM me if you need any help!

a...but the idea is that without hardship and pain...the guy kills himself because he doesn't know how to take it...because he never did....

and if it rhymes its by pure chance....ehhh....

silented1 wrote:a...but the idea is that without hardship and pain...the guy kills himself because he doesn't know how to take it...because he never did....

and if it rhymes its by pure chance....ehhh....

sorry maybe I just didn't get it... anyway sometimes it does rhyme by chance but if it is doing two different things it seem bipolar haha. Just can't make up it's mind.

Hey so now that you explained what it's about it makes more sense, but I think the lines need to be cleaned up a bit.
And when it's alright if you don't want to use capitalization and punctuation sometimes in a poem when it makes the piece flow better, but here I think it would definitley help.
Anyway, this has a lot of potential, so if you just got over a few of the finer points, it could be great.
Keep it up.

*Rachel

Hi Silented! Welcome to YWS, the best writing website on the internet. You get my 200th review!

I like the idea you had for this poem, the story behind it. It's a great idea.


Now, the punctuation here gets confusing. You don't have to put a period or an ellipsis after every line. It kind of ruins the feeling of the poem whenever there is always something there. You don't have to.


Now, do you see how you said cursed from the very beginning? Like this:

i once cursed a man..
before my death.

To me, I thought the person didn't curse him on purpose. The person thought it was a gift, but it later became a curse. So, saying cursed here at the very beginning is confusing to most readers. If the person purposely killed the man, then there is a whole different idea for the poem.

Instead, you could say I gave a gift until the part where you say:

and yet..
this man killed himself...

and then, you can add somewhere in that stanza about how you cursed him. I think it would help clear up some confusion and the make the poem even better. ^_^

what so ever..

That is one word. Whatsoever.


I really do like the idea for this poem. With some touch-ups, it can become even greater! Good job, darling.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or comments.

*Lin

the dots mean pauses...if i'm dying i'm going to be pausing...."before my death" a curse is a curse it doesn;t matter how it came about.. no ? the curse is being given all you've ever wanted.. and then having it being taken away... and when you learn after your own death...that you would have gotten it back.. if you toughed it out...and that too is a curse.... the poem can be seen from muliple angles not just one ehhh....

everything you need is probably there.....somewhere....

Hey....I've never seen such a unique and creative idea before.

You really showed what pain happiness can bring while the whole world just craves to be in that state forever.You brought out the message that pain and happiness needs to be kept in balance in order to keep a person emotionally stable.Great work there.

I really cannot see any flaw with this work....maybe rhythm but that's it.

Keep up such creative viewpoints.

Hey!

I think it was a great topic to work on. The blindness of people and how they run away from their lives when it gets too tough. Well that's what I think the poem's about anyways from reading it, sorry if I'm wrong!!

Just two things. Without is one word. And the ending seems like it just stops, as if it was supposed to keep going but it cut off. I think if you wrote one or two more verses it'll make the poem end better.

I liked it all in all!

Nice!

When a mod drops by, Lock this please.