OUR OUTLANDISH HEROES

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What an amazing sight it was at the bay.
Instead of the sand there lay pinkish pink hay!
It was the middle of a very hot summer’s day.
Suddenly in the sky there formed a pattern like the letter ‘K’.

The pattern grew bigger and brighter and brighter and bigger,
It soon came to a loud screeching halt
In the bay which was now full of greenish green salt!

The pattern turned out to be an outlandish spaceship,
Soon the door opened with an unearthly flip,
Out of it came out figures wearing suits with a humungous zip!
They were probably on a very long family trip.

They were neither man nor cat or ghoul,
For fingers they had thick gooey wool!
Our outlandish heroes thought that it might be cool
If they could make some earthlings great fool.

They found neither man nor cat or ghoul,
But spotted a cow and a bird looking cool.
The pair was perfect and with the help of an outlandish tool.
Our outlandish heroes could break some deadly rules.

Our outlandish heroes asked the pair to play.
But the bird denied simply by saying, ‘Nay.’
Our outlandish heroes offered them some outlandish clay,
But the stubborn cow said, ‘Get out of our way’

Our outlandish heroes knew not what to say,
They thought it would be fair enough for the earthlings to pay.
With some quick winks and some outlandish says
Our outlandish heroes shot at the pair some bright blue rays.

What an amazing sight it was at the bay.
Instead of the sand there lay reddish red hay!
Everything seemed fine on the fine month of May.
Though somewhere I’m sure there had been a foul play.

I spotted a cow and a bird looking cool,
They were away from the bay dipping in a deep deep pool.
From somewhere there came an unearthly beep.

All of a sudden, the cow opened its mouth and said, ‘Coo!’
In return the bird looking cool replied, ‘Mooo!’
Our outlandish heroes had done a superb trick.
Beware – don’t deny or you might start saying, ‘Squeak!’
THANKS FOR READING!! :)
Last edited by Sohini on Sun Oct 02, 2005 4:15 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Ok, first of all, change this before someone deletes it. Quick! Do it now, because it is using the word "gay" in a derogatory sense. You're smarter than that.

Our outlandish heroes were not at all gay

Anyway, there are a hundred other words that would still whyme well enough. Here's three; Frayed(sp) used in the sense of tired, Delayed, and Afraid. Actually afraid would be pushing the rhyme but I'm sure you can think of somthing far better, seeing as its your poem, and these were off the top of my head.

Now I can do the rest.

The pattern grew bigger and brighter and brighter and bigger

Hem hem.. You said bigger twice.

It soon came to a loud screeching halt
In the bay which was now full of greenish green salt!

It feels like you missed a line here, and greenish green is a double. Seaweed green? Blueish green? Yellow green? Greyish green? ???

Soon the door opened with an unearthly flip,

Try.. The door opened out with an unearthly flip. It might sound a little better, but thats really up to you.

Out of it came out figures wearing suits with a humungous zip!

The word humungous takes up a lot of sylables, which intereupts the flow.

They were probably on a very long family trip.

That made me laugh, for sure. Clever!

For fingers they had thick gooey wool!

What is wool? If you're referring to that stuff that's made by sheep fur, it doesn't rhyme with fool.

They found neither man nor cat or ghoul,

That's almost the same as the begining of the last stanza.

But spotted a cow and a bird looking cool.

That has to be my favorite line. It's very funny, and the flow works on it especially well.

But the bird denied simply by saying, ‘Nay.’

Think about..

But the bird denied with a courtious, ‘Nay.’

Your choice though.
Since I already talked about this one, we'll skip onward.

What an amazing sight it was at the bay.
Instead of the sand there lay reddish red hay!

First line:Awesome, second line.. Well.. Its the redish red. Is the hay bloody? Because if it is, just say bloody red hay. If not, try soggy red hay, or somthing.

I spotted a cow and a bird looking cool,
They were away from the bay dipping in a deep deep pool.
From somewhere there came an unearthly beep.

Missing line, here, but I like the unearthly beep. It ties the end to the begining.

All of a sudden, the cow opened its mouth and said, ‘Coo!’
In return the bird looking cool replied, ‘Mooo!’
Our outlandish heroes had done a superb trick.
Beware – don’t deny or you might start saying, ‘Squeak!’

This made me laugh, but doesn't rhyme, unless you pronounce the word trick 'Treek."

All in all, this was a very funny poem. I had fun reading it! Just consider some of my sugestions, and what other people tell you too, if you want to make it sound a little bit better.
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THANKS FOR YOUR REVIEW.

I meant to use the ADJECTIVE ‘gay’, which by THE OXFORD DICTIONARY means: light-hearted; cheerful or brightly colored. Why go for the offensive meaning which is a noun? The meanings I mentioned above are the FIRST two meanings in the dictionary. Anyway, I SURELY DON’T MEAN TO BE USING OFFENSIVE WORDS IN MY POEMS. Shouldn’t people go by the good meanings rather than the bad ones???

THIS IS A NONSENSICAL POEM.so bigger is used twice and the colors(reddish greeninish)are supposed to be nonsensically correct and try to let your imagination run wild and u'll get the colors i tried to descride. i do get your point 'bout the rhyme-problems and will avoid them in the future. the repetation is supposed to creat a funny effect (cat, ghoul..). i was actually inspired by the nonsensical poems of Lewis Carroll, u know.

any idea how i can change something which is already posted??
thanks again!!

to change something you've already posted? Just hit the "edit" button on your post




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Sorry. It's just, you don't hear it like that at all. Or maybe I'm just a pessimist. :p It's actually quite refreshing to hear it used in the original manor.


Oh, and by the way, this reminds me of Dr. Suess. I just figured it out. :lol:
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