I wish you'd die, Love

This is something I've written only for you,

For the love you've promised to be true

But never did you mean those wonderful words

The day you said you loved me too..



The pain and sorrow I had once felt,

You left my life hanging by a stupid, thin thread

And the things you have said and done

Won't disappear until you're dead and gone.



You lied to me, used me and threw me like trash

I hope that someday your life too, would crash.

Hell, were those words from the bottom of your heart?

Oh, darling how I want to tear and rip you apart.



I wish you'd die, Love--so you would pay,

For the stupid things you've made me do, every freaking day.

I can't believe I gave you all my life's wishes,

Oh, darling how I wish that you would rest in pieces.



I regret ever loving an idiot like you,

Who picks every girl up and make her his, too.

I hope someday you'd find someone who'll make you pay,

All though, I wish it would be me--so I can kill you in my own way.







I wrote this when I was in FIRST YEAR. I found it in my English Notebook. HAHA. )

First Impressions

The first thing that stands out (and not in a positive way) is the rhyme scheme. The first stanza feels so forced, specifically because of the rhyming going on. Then in the second stanza you don't follow whith the same pattern. Basically, each stanza has a different rhythem, and it's not working out very well. Rhyming can be a fantastic poetic device if used properly. The article linked above has some fantstic information on how to use poetic devices in positive effective ways.

Imagry

The main thing that is missing from this are strong images. In writing it's important to remember that you're not just writing for yourself, you're writing for your reader too. Navel Gazing is one of the most effective ways to kill good imagry. Not to mention, writing about heartbreak is a difficult subject. It's hard to explain how you're feeling, so it's much easier to push the focus of the writing onto the other party. But then the poem goes from being emotional, to being about blame.

After you focus on blaming the other person, the poem starts to lose interest for the reader.

Suzanne has a really great article on how to do Emotional Poetry right.

I would love to see a rewrite of this. Let me know if you create one.

Best of luck

OverEasy

OOh. Ouch. May I suggest you act on your anger?

I think the idea behind this is strong and holds a lot of potential, but I;m not sure you quite know what to do with it. This seems like it could be a very emotionally poem, but its lacking that real raw emotion. I think you tried a bit too hard on the rhyme scheme and this might be better free verse. I think the imagery could definitely improve and maybe try to not be so forward and have a few lines that really get the reader thinking. Overall it's really good!

Heyy chill girl. Haha things come and go
Well firstly, i cant tell you wrote this out of emotion and true feelings, thats good.
But keep in mind what this article says too: viewarticlebody.php?t=18790

As i quote from them: "Don’t tell us how you feel, NO, don’t even show us how you feel. Make us feel it. Emotional poetry often times turn into, to steal Snoink’s word, a shopping list. You list the things that happened, followed by a few lines of boo-hoo’s, and call it a day. This isn’t good enough. Put us in your seat, and yes do tell us why we are feeling this way, but make sure we feel it. You want to make us cry/scream/laugh/freak out, what ever you are feeling you want the reader to feel. This is just as close to ‘show, don’t tell’ as poetry will ever get, because telling is the most boring thing in the world. Showing is one step up, and from there is feeling."

Yes they are a little harsh, but its kinda true. Why not show us this hate you have. Show us, make us hate too. Don't tell us of your hate. MAKE US HATE HIM TOO. :@
Hahaha. Okie good luck. Write on!

Hehe this sounds almost like crime in poetry.

I suggest you teach this person a lesson haha.

I like it keep writing.

-Flower-

for something that could be very cliched, this is very good

Hello darling,

Wow, okay, i typically liked this poem. Obviously, it was written from real feelings, unlike many love poems that were just thrown together. I like straight-forwardness, and this poem deffinitly had a lot of that. I liked how you didn't beat around the bush, so it was easy to decifer your feelings from the words. I generally loved this poem, and the theme.



Keep up the great work!!



~Hailey, <3

hey, this is dogs

i really like your poem and i think that it has a great topic, however you rush into the hating scene too fast. you need to stay a little bit longer on the first subject. I think the reviews above have been a little negative but they are really helpful

I can't find any grammar errors, and i have nothing else to say or suggest, except for you to keep on writing












TuckEr EllsworTh

There is no bittersweetness to this.

Its a sort of semi-serious taunt as far as I can see and its pretty well done. Your touting what you would do, or what this said person deserves, but at the same time your hinting that Karma or some other force will gain you revenge.

Indirectly or directly not totally given.

I enjoyed the overall pace of it, though the PG wording here and there threw me off, being I'm used to people saying F*&% in between each breath.

Very good, keep it up, I hope to see more.

Exe's and Oh's,
Eraqio.

Hi!
Well, I can see the anger flowing through your words.
A nice poem and it certainly delivers the message straight.
I think that is how exactly a girl feels when she is just dumped by the person she really loves. It does get very difficult. It looks as if this one comes direct from your heart.
Keep writing.