Driven to Witchcraft

(Author's Notes: This is actually a story I submitted to the 2006 halloween contest, but I like it and decided to modify it and repost it so I can have it in my portfolio! :] I can't help thinking I could do a bit better if I rewrote it, but I don't want to try it yet!)

"Now the time has come at last,

To right the wrongs that plague my past.

Spirits soak my withered hands,

And help wreak havoc 'cross the land,

Flow through my veins unkempt and wild,

I’ll have revenge on that man’s child.”

Shouting fades to a vague whisper, and in the silence a single soul floats off to join the gods…

It’s strange how witchcraft is discovered, in moments of weakness and jealously you look back on life and pin point all its problems to one particular person, a hope, a love, a loss.

Your loneliness, your drinking problem, even your stifling job harks back to the passionate love affair you had with him, the nights you spent out on the town when perhaps you should have been sitting in your room studying for the next day's exams.

You think about the way he left you, for your best friend. How you watched helplessly and cried in your room. How could he be so cruel and uncaring?

You remember being sent invitations to the wedding, the christening of their first child, just foul jibes to rub salt into the already infected wounds.

Everything that happened leads you to this moment, in the darkness of your basement, by the light of a solitary candle; you show them what it's like to lose their hearts, their souls; one final deed to pay them back for what they’ve driven you to.

hey buddy here.
okay that was really good but i think you should make it longer. are you planning to expand it ? cause to me if you did this would be like a prologue.

sorry to say this but it sounds more like a recount of someone, no offense. but clearly in this story it has no characters. and besides it is too short.

but i still liked the way you wrote it if you made it a bit longer than it would really have a lot of people intrested.

xxx
buddy

It honestly gave me shivers. I really do hope that you have more to follow up with it, that this is just the prologue. It did what a prologue should do- captured my attention, and now I want to read it a lot, no matter how scary the actual story sounds. By the way, the person you're talking about is crazy. No one would be pushed to the extremes of doing something to a child without being already sick. Very very sick. I also wanted to not out the poem in the beginning. I think it was beautiful. PM me if you have any more of it.
Keep writing!!
ofir

hello..

you did a good job but i think you should add some details to make it more understandable.
i really love the way you write so keep it up.

-claron.

Hi Plus-One. I'm Conrad Rice, and I'll be your reviewer today.

Well, this is the second time I'm having to type up this review. The first time, my internet cut out and the review was lost. Let's hope this time I can actually get out what I want to tell you.

So, this is a good premise. I've not really heard it used anywhere before, not in this way anyway.

But you need to work on how you present it. This is too barebones to be very effective. You need to help us connect to your main character. Show us one of the nights she spent with the man. Show us how she feels at one of these events she's invited to.

And you might want to expand on the magic used too. Don't just limit it to a few lines of spoken poetry and an open flame. Maybe she needs something of the child's in order to complete the ritual. Maybe she needs to involve others. And don't have the end result simply be the child's death. Have the child be changed in such a way that the man will be haunted with it the rest of his life.

Or, for an additional twist, you might make the man more sympathetic. Maybe he didn't really think about all this. Maybe he keeps inviting her to these functions because he thinks of her as a friend, and he's missing all the signals. You could reduce it all down to a case of miscommunication and make it more interesting.

This has some potential. You just need to work with it to bring that out.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

Hi Plus-One,

I hate stream-of-consciousness and I double hate second person, so I was surprised by how much I enjoyed this piece. The writing is very fluent. The poem/chant/spell at the beginning doesn't quite scan - there are a few extra syllables, and the fifth line doesn't seem to have a subject: I'm not sure what exactly is flowing through the narrator's veins. That's about my only nitpick. Overall, I found this atmospheric, eerie and compelling.

Karsten

Oooo, this is so spooky. The rhyme at the beginning really sets the tone of the whole thing. I would consider expanding on this though, adding a bit more detail and making it longer. Maybe a bit more about the witchcraft itself? Maybe you could address who's speaking and who they're speaking to. Overall, though, this is a great piece.

Wow. Really, really good. I would never be able to come with something like that. ^^ Most of what I would say has already been said. But, I will say what I can, even if I'm just repeating everyone else. Perhaps explain a bit more why exactly she's casting the spell, its a bit sketchy as why she is. Also, perhaps you should explain what she's feeling at the moment of the casting. Really, those are the only things I had problems with. But I hope everything works out for you with your story.

Hi,

This is a great piece, but I think you could expand it a bit more. It raises many questions that are left unanswered. However, with a bit of work, it might make a wonderful short story/ novel, depending how far you take it.
Give it another good read, get some feed back from friends and family, see how you can improve this story from their comments and your own impressions of it.

All in all the idea is great and shows much potential, keep up the good work.
Clara