Scrapped! :)

****Okay. This is a suckage prologue and I am totally not using this at all. Sorry. I have a different, more gripping prologue. Please check that one out instead.****



The young boy was shown into the Great Hall.
Dressed in little more than rags, he stared about himself in wonder, craning his neck to gaze up at the soaring ceiling. It was as magnificent and as white as the clouds of Heaven, wisps of curling patterns stretched across it like Angels’ wings.
One of the men who’d led him from the dungeons touched the top of his arm, quietly drawing his attention.
The boy reluctantly tore his gaze from the ceiling and looked around the massive room as he was ushered forwards.
Light filtered through the majestic stained-glass windows. He could see the particles of dust glittering in the golden light. He saw shapes in the stained glass. A fat cherub flying here, an animal wandering there. A Saint or Angel looking towards the Heavens or wearing an expression of ancient weariness. The boy had never seen such a sight before. He was only used to the sight of the mouldy bricks wet with the trickling water. He was only used to the feel of chains he had never been released from since he was little more than an infant. He wasn’t sure what to make of the warmth in the cavernous room when he had forever been wrapped in icy air.
The sight of this grand room rendered him speechless.
The man who held his upper arm led him through rows of wooden benches and to the centre of the room. Other men clad in flowing black robes surrounded him. The boy didn’t mind. He felt safer with these strong mysterious men, there was something strange about them that he found he liked. A sort of buzzing energy felt only through sixth sense.
He heard the deep murmur of male voices, but the men in front of him blocked his view.
They halted so suddenly the boy almost bumped into those in front of him. Then, like the velvet curtains he’d seen as he walked through the castle, they parted. The boy stared up at different men, this time wearing white robes. He did not like the cold glint in their eyes and an instant fear seeped into his belly. He did not like the wooden table with the goblets and bowls placed upon it.
He did not like the torch one of the men held.
A stern, old man glared at the one who’d just let go of the boy’s arm.
“Is this the one?”
The boy shivered. The voice was cold, emotionless. His fear began to grow as he wondered for the hundredth time why he’d been brought up from the dungeons. He wanted to go back to their safe, iron cages. He didn’t want to be up here, wandering through the grand castle and knowing he did not belong in that world. He wanted to be far away from these strange men with their mysterious ways.
“Yes,” the man answered in a strong, sure voice.
The boy found he liked this man’s deep, confident voice. He felt the man was on his side, that the man was protective of him. He felt the man cared for him.
“Brauman’s child?”
“Yes.”
“He is little Alonsa’s Karpe?”
“Yes.”
The old man nodded. He turned and sent the boy such an evil look that the boy immediately shrunk back, terrified. The old man was baring his small nubs of teeth in a malevolent smile as he said: “We shall commence with the ceremony.”

Emma, this was a good piece a bit short but it showed all it needed to. I like the concept of a boy from the dungeons being important to the wealthier people above him.

It was as magnificent and as white as the clouds of Heaven, wisps of curling patterns stretched across it like Angles’ Angels' wings.

I was pretty sure that was supposed to be Angels'.


~peanut~

The original Prologue was something like 4, 5 A4 pages and I hadn't even finished. So I thought I'd better cut it down.
And yeah, ^^' I often get those two mixed up...
Thanks!

Hey Emma Jane ^^ Shina here ;P And I'll be your reviewer this evening. I'll do my best aside from the fact dinner is almost on the table xD

The young boy was shown into the Great Hall.
Dressed in little more than rags, he stared about himself in wonder, craning his neck to gaze up at the soaring ceiling. It was as magnificent and as white as the clouds of Heaven, wisps of curling patterns stretched across it like Angels’ wings.

D: Silence... You've totally caught my attention with this introductory paragraph. On top of the mysterious boy dressed in rags, you describe the Great Hall with a truly haunting description. I have a soft spot for anything angelic And I love the way you describe the ceiling.

Light filtered through the majestic stained-glass windows. He could see the particles of dust glittering in the golden light. He saw shapes in the stained glass. A fat cherub flying here, an animal wandering there. A Saint or Angel looking towards the Heavens or wearing an expression of ancient weariness.

Once again, some nice imagery. But I suggest rather than describing the stained-glass windows as "majestic" you could describe the multitude of colored light that shines through them. That's what happens when light passes through stained glass, right? The particles of dust are always a good way to make things mor real. Ancient weariness? Excellent ^^

The boy had never seen such a sight before. He was only used to the sight of the mouldy bricks wet with the trickling water. He was only used to the feel of chains he had never been released from since he was little more than an infant. He wasn’t sure what to make of the warmth in the cavernous room when he had forever been wrapped in icy air.

A sudden contrast to the beautiful sights of the Great Hall. Mouldy should be "moldy" though. You also say "he" too much, so I suggest something like "the sight of a trickling stream rolling down moldy bricks was the sight engraved in his mind." Mix up your sentence structures and play them up a bit.
You describe his past by including it with the action of the story. Good.
The last line is a bit dramatic for me. I'm not sure what to change it to, but make "when" "since".

The sight of this grand room rendered him speechless.
The man who held his upper arm led him through rows of wooden benches and to the centre of the room. Other men clad in flowing black robes surrounded him. The boy didn’t mind. He felt safer with these strong mysterious men, there was something strange about them that he found he liked. A sort of buzzing energy felt only through sixth sense.

Mmm, sixth sense? Nice way to include it in there. But remember that having the sixth sense is a commonly used ability, so try not to cliche. Hopefully you'll soon show the readers that you have a twist on this cliche to make things right.

He heard the deep murmur of male voices, but the men in front of him blocked his view.
They halted so suddenly the boy almost bumped into those in front of him. Then, like the velvet curtains he’d seen as he walked through the castle, they parted. The boy stared up at different men, this time wearing white robes. He did not like the cold glint in their eyes and an instant fear seeped into his belly. He did not like the wooden table with the goblets and bowls placed upon it.

The first sentence is confusing. If he hears the deep murmur of male voices, the second part of the sentence shouldn't mention how the men in front of him blocked his views, it should mention how they muffle the voices or something. You have good descriptions but you too often begin the sentences with "they" and "he" and "them". Mix up your sentence structure and play it up like I said ^^

He did not like the torch one of the men held.
A stern, old man glared at the one who’d just let go of the boy’s arm.
“Is this the one?”

Rather than saying he didn't like the torch one of the men held, describe how the torch made him feel.

The boy shivered. The voice was cold, emotionless. His fear began to grow as he wondered for the hundredth time why he’d been brought up from the dungeons. He wanted to go back to their safe, iron cages. He didn’t want to be up here, wandering through the grand castle and knowing he did not belong in that world. He wanted to be far away from these strange men with their mysterious ways.

You repeated your desciption about the strange men and their mysterious ways, so I suggest you try something new.

“Yes,” the man answered in a strong, sure voice.
The boy found he liked this man’s deep, confident voice. He felt the man was on his side, that the man was protective of him. He felt the man cared for him.

You say things like "he liked" too much. Once again, describe the feeling instead.

“Brauman’s child?”
“Yes.”
“He is little Alonsa’s Karpe?”
“Yes.”
The old man nodded. He turned and sent the boy such an evil look that the boy immediately shrunk back, terrified. The old man was baring his small nubs of teeth in a malevolent smile as he said: “We shall commence with the ceremony.”

You don't need the colon ":".

Way to leave this on a cliffhanger ^^ It makes the readers want to read more.

Nice work here, Emma. Just play your sentence structure up a bit and stop using "he" and "they" and "like". Show and not tell, remember ;P

-Shina

Hey Emma Jane ^^ Shina here ;P And I'll be your reviewer this evening. I'll do my best aside from the fact dinner is almost on the table xD

The young boy was shown into the Great Hall.
Dressed in little more than rags, he stared about himself in wonder, craning his neck to gaze up at the soaring ceiling. It was as magnificent and as white as the clouds of Heaven, wisps of curling patterns stretched across it like Angels’ wings.

D: Silence... You've totally caught my attention with this introductory paragraph. On top of the mysterious boy dressed in rags, you describe the Great Hall with a truly haunting description. I have a soft spot for anything angelic And I love the way you describe the ceiling.

Light filtered through the majestic stained-glass windows. He could see the particles of dust glittering in the golden light. He saw shapes in the stained glass. A fat cherub flying here, an animal wandering there. A Saint or Angel looking towards the Heavens or wearing an expression of ancient weariness.

Once again, some nice imagery. But I suggest rather than describing the stained-glass windows as "majestic" you could describe the multitude of colored light that shines through them. That's what happens when light passes through stained glass, right? The particles of dust are always a good way to make things mor real. Ancient weariness? Excellent ^^

The boy had never seen such a sight before. He was only used to the sight of the mouldy bricks wet with the trickling water. He was only used to the feel of chains he had never been released from since he was little more than an infant. He wasn’t sure what to make of the warmth in the cavernous room when he had forever been wrapped in icy air.

A sudden contrast to the beautiful sights of the Great Hall. Mouldy should be "moldy" though. You also say "he" too much, so I suggest something like "the sight of a trickling stream rolling down moldy bricks was the sight engraved in his mind." Mix up your sentence structures and play them up a bit.
You describe his past by including it with the action of the story. Good.
The last line is a bit dramatic for me. I'm not sure what to change it to, but make "when" "since".

The sight of this grand room rendered him speechless.
The man who held his upper arm led him through rows of wooden benches and to the centre of the room. Other men clad in flowing black robes surrounded him. The boy didn’t mind. He felt safer with these strong mysterious men, there was something strange about them that he found he liked. A sort of buzzing energy felt only through sixth sense.

Mmm, sixth sense? Nice way to include it in there. But remember that having the sixth sense is a commonly used ability, so try not to cliche. Hopefully you'll soon show the readers that you have a twist on this cliche to make things right.

He heard the deep murmur of male voices, but the men in front of him blocked his view.
They halted so suddenly the boy almost bumped into those in front of him. Then, like the velvet curtains he’d seen as he walked through the castle, they parted. The boy stared up at different men, this time wearing white robes. He did not like the cold glint in their eyes and an instant fear seeped into his belly. He did not like the wooden table with the goblets and bowls placed upon it.

The first sentence is confusing. If he hears the deep murmur of male voices, the second part of the sentence shouldn't mention how the men in front of him blocked his views, it should mention how they muffle the voices or something. You have good descriptions but you too often begin the sentences with "they" and "he" and "them". Mix up your sentence structure and play it up like I said ^^

He did not like the torch one of the men held.
A stern, old man glared at the one who’d just let go of the boy’s arm.
“Is this the one?”

Rather than saying he didn't like the torch one of the men held, describe how the torch made him feel.

The boy shivered. The voice was cold, emotionless. His fear began to grow as he wondered for the hundredth time why he’d been brought up from the dungeons. He wanted to go back to their safe, iron cages. He didn’t want to be up here, wandering through the grand castle and knowing he did not belong in that world. He wanted to be far away from these strange men with their mysterious ways.

You repeated your desciption about the strange men and their mysterious ways, so I suggest you try something new.

“Yes,” the man answered in a strong, sure voice.
The boy found he liked this man’s deep, confident voice. He felt the man was on his side, that the man was protective of him. He felt the man cared for him.

You say things like "he liked" too much. Once again, describe the feeling instead.

“Brauman’s child?”
“Yes.”
“He is little Alonsa’s Karpe?”
“Yes.”
The old man nodded. He turned and sent the boy such an evil look that the boy immediately shrunk back, terrified. The old man was baring his small nubs of teeth in a malevolent smile as he said: “We shall commence with the ceremony.”

You don't need the colon ":".

Way to leave this on a cliffhanger ^^ It makes the readers want to read more.

Nice work here, Emma. Just play your sentence structure up a bit and stop using "he" and "they" and "like". Show and not tell, remember ;P

-Shina

EmmaJane wrote:The young boy was shown into the Great Hall.
Dressed in little more than rags, he stared about himself in wonder, craning his neck to gaze up at the soaring ceiling. It was as magnificent and as white as the clouds of Heaven, wisps of curling patterns stretched across it like Angels’ wings.
One of the men who’d led him from the dungeons touched the top of his arm, quietly drawing his attention.
The boy reluctantly tore his gaze from the ceiling and looked around the massive room as he was ushered forwards.
Light filtered through the majestic stained-glass windows. He could see the particles of dust glittering in the golden light. He saw shapes in the stained glass. A fat cherub flying here, an animal wandering there. A Saint or Angel looking towards the Heavens or wearing an expression of ancient weariness. The boy had never seen such a sight before. He was only used to the sight of the mouldy bricks wet with the trickling water. He was only used to the feel of chains he had never been released from since he was little more than an infant. He wasn’t sure what to make of the warmth in the cavernous room when he had forever been wrapped in icy air.
The sight of this grand room rendered him speechless.
The man who held his upper arm led him through rows of wooden benches and to the centre of the room. Other men clad in flowing black robes surrounded him. The boy didn’t mind. He felt safer with these strong mysterious men, there was something strange about them that he found he liked. A sort of buzzing energy felt only through sixth sense.
He heard the deep murmur of male voices, but the men in front of him blocked his view.
They halted so suddenly the boy almost bumped into those in front of him. Then, like the velvet curtains he’d seen as he walked through the castle, they parted. The boy stared up at different men, this time wearing white robes. He did not like the cold glint in their eyes and an instant fear seeped into his belly. He did not like the wooden table with the goblets and bowls placed upon it.
He did not like the torch one of the men held.
A stern, old man glared at the one who’d just let go of the boy’s arm.
“Is this the one?”
The boy shivered. The voice was cold, emotionless. His fear began to grow as he wondered for the hundredth time why he’d been brought up from the dungeons. He wanted to go back to their safe, iron cages. He didn’t want to be up here, wandering through the grand castle and knowing he did not belong in that world. He wanted to be far away from these strange men with their mysterious ways.
“Yes,” the man answered in a strong, sure voice.
The boy found he liked this man’s deep, confident voice. He felt the man was on his side, that the man was protective of him. He felt the man cared for him.
“Brauman’s child?”
“Yes.”
“He is little Alonsa’s Karpe?”
“Yes.”
The old man nodded. He turned and sent the boy such an evil look that the boy immediately shrunk back, terrified. The old man was baring his small nubs of teeth in a malevolent smile as he said: “We shall commence with the ceremony.”

hello, emma.

for a beginner like you(you joined two months ago, right?), well i think this story's fine and good. i like the prologue, and i wish i'll have time to read the rest of it.

~telle

hi.

it's nice and for a beginner like you(i am a beginner too), you did a good job. it's smoothly written and you can imagine the scenario already. i love it. keep it up!

-claron

Hi EmmaJane,

I have mixed feelings about this prologue. I enjoyed elements of the description - like the ceiling being "white as the clouds of Heaven, wisps of curling patterns stretched across it like Angels’ wings". I even liked the repetition (unusually for me), which I thought was used to good, almost lyrical effect. I wasn't so keen on some other parts, though.

You have a ton of one-sentence paragraphs. They create a choppy feeling for me, and since such short paragraphs are usually designed to highlight a shocking or significant thing, I'm kind of doing a double-take every time asking myself exactly why X or Y is so important. I'd think about folding these into longer paragraphs.

I feel like maybe the narrator's disorientation at the unusual surroundings could be conveyed more actively. For example, you say that "He was only used to the sight of the mouldy bricks wet with the trickling water" and "He wasn't sure what to make of the warmth in the cavernous room when he had forever been wrapped in icy air" (beware of trying to extort cheap sympathy points from the reader). Perhaps it would be more active to say that the heat here suffocated him after the icy air of the cell/dungeon/wherever he was, or that the amazing building dazzled him, or the sunlight through the stained-glass windows blinded him. It's the use of strong verbs here that would make your description pop a bit more, I think.

Overall, the narrator seems quite passive to me. Since he doesn't have a name or a personality, I don't feel like I know him, and therefore I can't like him. He seems like a bit of a puppet being controlled by the other characters. The one part I did like was where he becomes scared of the scary old guy and wants to go back to the dungeons, which I think is a telling detail and an authentic reflection of how somebody would actually react if dungeons were all he knew.

I was bothered by how much the boy seems to just intuitively know somehow. He mysteriously knows that some people are good and some people are bad. It feels as if the author is elbowing their way into the story here to tell us who's trustworthy and who's not. Personally, I would find it more impressive if you could fool me into liking somebody only to spring it on me later that they're evil, rather than if you just straight-up told me who's a bad guy.

The lack of names overall really hurt my emotional investment, I think. I also got a little lost in all the unnamed men. Men who took the narrator from the dungeons. Men in black robes. Different men in white. An old man. Another man without a name, who might be one of the previous groups, I'm not sure. I think a few names would help me to orient myself.

Just a few thoughts.

Karsten