When the Sky Cries

(pardon me for the shortness. I wasn't paying much attention to it at the time.)



The village of Velio was silent as the sun set. All the shops were closed and everyone was fast asleep. The local guard dogs, which were chained up to a metal pole, lay amongst themselves in a furry mass.
No one saw him as he entered. One of the guard dogs looked up and saw him moving, but they didn’t smell him or hear him. The dog let out a small woof, and the other dogs looked up sleepily. When they looked around, he was gone. They stood and started barking, though, because the dog that had seen him first was still worried.
The loud barking woke the village leader, Amoro. He climbed out of bed and grabbed his spear. His wife looked up at him worriedly. “Stay here, Abette.” Amoro said firmly. Abette climbed out of bed and followed him out the door. They separated as Amoro went out the front door and Abette went to find their daughter, Lyza.
Several of the other men were outside already, looking for the cause of the barking. The dogs were snapping viciously at the shadows, foam flying from their jaws. Amoro went over to calm them down, and obediently they all sat and began to pant, wagging their tails. “Good dogs.” Amoro praised. He still saw nothing, but these dogs had been trained ever since they were pups to bark only if they saw something unusual.
“Look around for anything out of the ordinary.” Amoro called to the other men. They all nodded and slipped into the shadows, leaving Amoro alone with the dogs. Amoro continued to stroke the leader of the pack, which was his own dog. He didn’t even see the dark figure creeping up behind him. When the dogs saw him, they started barking furiously, but when Amoro turned around, it was already too late.
The men heard the barking and ran back to the dogs to see what was going on. They were horrified when they saw a pale young man bent over Amoro, drinking the blood from his neck. “Vampire.” One of the men whispered.
Slowly, the vampire lifted his head and smiled at the village men. Blood was dripping from him, staining his pale face red. His fangs were long, slender and sharp. He had jet black hair that was darker than the night sky, and his eyes were a dark brown.
The men looked at Amoro and knew he was dead. The whole front of his neck had been yanked out, and blood was slowly gushing from the wound.
“You jucking little vampire.” One of the village men snarled. He pointed his spear at the vampire and yelled, “Get out!”
The vampire let out a strangled breath, and then whispered in a hoarse, unnatural voice, “Not before I’m done with my dinner.” He charged at the men.
The dogs continued barking angrily, yanking against the chains. There were yells and moans as the vampire attacked the village men. Inside the houses, the women didn’t dare come out yet, despite their worry.
The vampire walked away from the messy, bloody pile of bodies and towards the dogs, who continued barking at him. He knelt down next to one of them and it immediately calmed down, sitting and wagging its tail. The vampire stroked the dog’s ears back and then untied the leash from the metal pole. The other dogs only watched as the vampire walked off with their youngest pack member.
Once the village had fallen silent again, the women all ventured out, leaving their children inside the houses. Abette was the first to reach the bloody mess. Shock filled her, and numbly, she walked around, tears beginning to sting her eyes. The other women followed her, and when they saw their husbands lying mauled and dead on the ground, they cried. Abette managed to keep calm until she saw Amoro. When she saw him with his neck torn open and his eyes staring blankly, she threw herself down and wailed, sobbing.
She vowed she would get revenge on the monster that did this.

I'll be your reviewer for today. Be warned I can get rather...nitpicky... I'm not intending to be harsh, though; just trying to help you be the best writer you can be.

The village of Velio was silent as the sun set. All the shops were closed and everyone was fast asleep. The local guard dogs, which were chained up to a metal pole, lay amongst themselves in a furry mass.

This first paragraph is a bit...colorless. It's good not to go overboard in description, but at the same time it's good also to describe things at least a little bit. How does the village look? Is it made of thatched-roof hovels, or charming white-painted cottages? Etcetera.

No one saw him as he entered.

The introduction of a "him" is quite sudden; perhaps try "intruder".

One of the guard dogs looked up and saw him moving, but they didn’t smell him or hear him.

The constant repetition of "him" gets a tad annoying...you don't need the "him" after "smell". Also, I'm curious as to why they can't smell or hear the man?

When they looked around, he was gone.

This is a tad sudden; perhaps you should describe the man disappearing.

The loud barking woke the village leader, Amoro. He climbed out of bed and grabbed his spear. His wife looked up at him worriedly. “Stay here, Abette.” Amoro said firmly. Abette climbed out of bed and followed him out the door. They separated as Amoro went out the front door and Abette went to find their daughter, Lyza.

This definitely needs to be extended, because right now we're suddenly being introduced to three distinct characters in one short paragraph. This ought to be extended into several paragraphs at least; and don't just give us the characters' names, give their appearances and some sign of their personalities at well.

“Good dogs.” Amoro praised.

Using "praised" as a dialogue tag is unnecessary since we can already infer that he's praising the dogs from his words. It'd be better to display an action of his, such as him patting the dogs or whatnot.

Amoro continued to stroke the leader of the pack, which was his own dog.

I feel this'd be better phrased as "his own dog, the leader of the pack".

He didn’t even see the dark figure creeping up behind him. When the dogs saw him, they started barking furiously, but when Amoro turned around, it was already too late.

Again, too much, too quick. There isn't much of a sense of suspense here because everything's happening so suddenly. The attack right now just seems rather...random and out-of-the-blue. Try adding some hints of suspense here, such as Amoro feeling a chill run down his spine or catching a flicker of movement out of the corner of his eye.

They were horrified

Ah, big no no; this is telling instead of showing. Don't just say that the men are "horrified": show it. Show them backing away from the corpse, gasping in revulsion, throwing up, etc.

Slowly, the vampire lifted his head and smiled at the village men.

Again, you could do with going more in depth--what kind of smile is it? I doubt it's a "hi everybody what's up" kind of smile, is it? Is it a sadistic smirk? A sardonic smile?

Blood was dripping from him, staining his pale face red.

I think you mean blood is dripping from his mouth...

The whole front of his neck had been yanked out, and blood was slowly gushing from the wound.

I think you can try for a better word than "yanked" (torn? I don't know...), and I don't think it's possible for anything to slowly gushing. It's either gushing out in torrents, or slowly dripping out.

“You jucking little vampire.”

"Jucking"? I take that's your world's equivalent of the f-wrorld...

The vampire let out a strangled breath, and then whispered in a hoarse, unnatural voice, “Not before I’m done with my dinner.”

I notice you get a lot better in descriptions when you describe the vampire. I like how this piece of description reveals a bit of his personality. Is it wrong that I'm starting to like him...? O_o

There were yells and moans as the vampire attacked the village men.

Describe the attacking. Is the vampire tearing their throats out, biting them, kicking or punching? "Attack" is too vague a verb.

Inside the houses, the women didn’t dare come out yet, despite their worry.

The "despite their worry" part is a tad clunky.

He knelt down next to one of them and it immediately calmed down, sitting and wagging its tail. The vampire stroked the dog’s ears back and then untied the leash from the metal pole. The other dogs only watched as the vampire walked off with their youngest pack member.

Um...is there a reason for this? Because right now, it feels a tad random.

Shock filled her, and numbly, she walked around, tears beginning to sting her eyes.

"Shock filled her" is more telling instead of showing. You really don't need it, since you show her grief in the rest of the sentence through the numb walking around (btw, is there a better verb you can find than just "walk"?) and the tears stinging and such.

The other women followed her, and when they saw their husbands lying mauled and dead on the ground, they cried. Abette managed to keep calm until she saw Amoro. When she saw him with his neck torn open and his eyes staring blankly, she threw herself down and wailed, sobbing.
She vowed she would get revenge on the monster that did this.

Again, this is several paragraphs' worth of information condensed into two. You need to spread this all out and elaborate on individual women's responses to their husbands death's--that would help give a feel of humanity to the entire incident. If we know that X villager was a loving husband and father, and Y villager had a hand with animals, and Z villager was an expert carpenter who loved children, etc. Also, not everyone reacts to grief the same way: some might stand there in numb disbelief, others might be so wracked by sobs they can't even stand, etc.

You might also do well to go more in depth into Abette's reaction to Amoro's death. Get into her head, show us what she's feeling, have her remember moments of her life with Amoro. "Threw herself down and wailed, sobbing" and then swearing revenge isn't enough. It doesn't get into her thought process. And I doubt the first thought in anyone's head when they see a dead family member is revenge--it's to grieve what they have lost. Have Abette grieve for a while, lost in her memories of Amoro, before staring at his mutilated corpse for a long time before getting the idea to swear revenge.

Overall thoughts--

This is perfectly fine as the bare bones of a story. You have plot, setting, characters. Your prose is technically sound. However, as it is, that's all the story is: bare bones. It needs to be expanded. The concept is a good one, and I'm interested in what's going to happen next, as well as why the vampire attacked (and what he's going to do with the dog). The vampire seems like a potentially interesting character, if you can steer him in an un-cliche direction. I'm interested about the world you have here--are vampires a regular menance?--and I assume that further chapters will expand more on worldbuilding.

However, I was bothered by how we weren't able to empathize with any of the characters. Most of the villagers were faceless and nameless, except for Abette, Amoro, and Lyza, who were faceless names. I didn't feel any pathos at their deaths because I didn't know any of them. Again, if you lenghten the death scenes and the grieving scenes, you'll be able to induce more emotion in the reader. Get into the characters' heads, show their thought processes--is Amoro afraid? What are the villagers thinking when they confront the vampire? And what is Abette thinking when Amoro dies? Even small things, such as mentioning that this villager or villager was viewed this way or that way by their fellows, would help humanize the characters. This story, I feel, would be one suited for an omniscient point of view, in which you can delve into the minds of as many characters as you please. Give us emotions, not just actions.

Like I said before, there's nothing technically wrong with this piece; it just needs a lot of expansion. Consider what you've got here a bare-bones outline. Work from it, and expand it, paying particular care to your characters' emotions and reactions. Try to let us connect with the characters.

The best of luck in your endeavors.

The Prologue isn't really supposed to make any sense, and i didn't spend too much time on it because it was just a way to introduce the main character: the vampire.