The Regiments, Prologe

Prologue…

In the year 6000 there was a runaway bride by the name Secrett Lockhart. Lucas, her husband to be, took over the Craccian Empire as a dictator and killed the king. On her journey Secrett found old friends like Kanoni Flame, and new friends like me, Kyle Straught a young ten year old boy who was found in and abandoned church. Latios, a mysterious male vampire had killed my parents. But Kanoni knew him as an old friend. He quickly became part of the group and we traveled to Alvarna after Tom, Secrett’s brother, took Kanoni back to Rashio. There were also allies, such as Carlos. He never told us his last name, but he lived in the land of the Wicked. The Wicked were followers of Azeroth, or Athia. Athia was all powerful until Latios took her down. Latios was married to Azeroth for some time until she betrayed him. Turns out, she was just using him. They had six kids together which were supposed to carry down the traits of both Latios and herself, but they all failed. Azeroth killed all of them, except for Kyo who disappeared. Secrett’s love for Latios was forced to be hidden once Azeroth rose again in the year 6002 and they had to battle her and the Wicked. After the long and treacherous battle Azeroth was taken down for the second time, by Latios and Secrett. Talk about teamwork. Anyway Secrett and Latios became very close friends and they formed The Regiment, a group that consisted of: Kanoni Flame, Carlos, Tom Lockhart, Cellos Slither, Latios Seregreen, and Secrett Lockhart. While Secrett was fighting alongside Latios, Azeroth infected her with the Aerostigma, a virus made by Violet Lush, a crazy scientist who slept all the time and then would make up these really scary antidotes to viruses that didn’t even exist. Aerostigma was released by none other than Azeroth. Secrett then had Shiva, Latios’s daughter. Yes I know what you’re thinking, when did that happen? Well…eight and a half months before Shiva was born. Shiva Lockhart was then given the trait of the Aerostigma and Latios’s powers. Now she is one of the last people on the earth to have the imagination powers although she rarely uses them since she really doesn’t know she has them. Shiva grew up as an orphan, since Secrett was taken by the Wicked and went missing. And then Latios went away before he knew that Secrett was pregnant with Shiva. Secrett passed down membership of The Regiments to me since I was an original member, but she gave the leader role to Tidus. Carlos is still here, but he’s really old and can’t fight as much anymore. Tidus was an ex-warrior in the war with Azeroth and I guess he has more experience, especially since I was just hiding most of the time while Kanoni protected me, or I was trying to save every ones ass by picking them up in my helicopter, The Strife Maker. We also have new friend, Like Reno Rivera. We worked together for a while with the air force and then started using our skills for The Regiments. Reno can be really annoying sometimes, but he’s like my brother.
After Azeroth’s second defeat she was frozen above Lake Meth and was put even deeper into the rich soils beneath the waters by the warriors of the second battle. Now as our world tries to recuperate with all that we have lost I’m afraid that the war is far from over…

Hello! I'm Colt. xD

I must first start by reminding you not to, please, flood this forum with your work. That's probably why you haven't got many reviews...so just remember that. Also, remember our 2:1 ratio policy, in case you've forgotten, I don't know.

If I were you, I'd go back over this. There's a quite a few comma errors in places. Also the first paragraph is way too long, you don't want to bore your readers now, do you?

This prologue is also kind of telling it in places, not showing it. D:

An example of telling would be: Tia took a deep breath and walked into the reception hall. It was huge. A buffet table stood in the center and waiters were running around everywhere, carrying plates and dessert bowls and cutlery and trays of glasses and platters of food. The grand piano stood in one corner, next to the bar.

An example of showing could be: Tia took a deep breath and walked into the reception hall. Her heart sank as she took in the long buffet table stretching down the center of the huge room. She could see the piano squashed away in the darkest corner, next to the bar. How was anyone going to hear her playing? Especially Mr Brook, the owner of Tiffo Records. She’d only taken the gig because she’d heard he’d be here. She’d have to get the piano moved. She tried to get the attention of one of two of the waiters, but they were scurrying about, balancing crockery and platters of food on over-sized silver trays. They ignored her.

See how much better the second is? Some key things to think about when writing to show, not tell is introduce some emotions, smilies, metaphors, and remove solid chunks of description that clog up the story. The emotions engages the reader in your piece, while the metaphors and smilies start to make the reader feel like they are there. Use to the description as action, moving the story forward, instead of hindering it.

Sorry if I confused you, I'm a rather rubbish teacher, I know.

As for starting a new paragraph, you do that in several senearios:
1. Change of Setting: the action in the story happens in another place.
2. Change of time: the story moves on to another time that day or the next day.
3. Change of person: a new character is introduced, they may say something or just be described.
4. Change of event something new happens in the plot.
5. Dialogue (When someone speaks)
Here's a clever little site that might help you on paragraphs: http://www.mukwonago.k12.wi.us/~vickro/ ... agraph.htm

Now back to your piece...

82manycookies wrote:Prologue…

In the year 6000, there was a runaway bride by the name Secrett Lockhart. Lucas, her husband to be, took over the Craccian Empire as a dictator and killed the King. On her journey Secrett found old friends like Kanoni Flame, and new friends like me, Kyle Straught, a young ten year old, boy, who [s]was[/s] were found in an[s]d[/s] abandoned church. Latios, a mysterious, male vampire had [s]killed[/s] slaughtered my parents! But Kanoni knew him as an old friend. He quickly became part of our group and we traveled to Alvarna after Tom, Secrett’s brother, took Kanoni back to Rashio. There were also allies, such as Carlos. He never told us his last name, but he lived in the land of the Wicked. The Wicked were followers of Azeroth, or Athia. Athia was all powerful until Latios took her down. Latios was married to Azeroth for some time until she betrayed him. Turns out, she was just using him. They had six kids together which were supposed to carry down the traits of both Latios and herself, but they all failed. Azeroth killed all of them, except for Kyo who disappeared. Secrett’s love for Latios was forced to be hidden once Azeroth rose again in the year 6002 and they had to battle her and the Wicked. After the long and treacherous battle, Azeroth was taken down for the second time, by Latios and Secrett. Talk about teamwork. Anyway, Secrett and Latios became very close friends and they formed The Regiment, a group that consisted of: Kanoni Flame, Carlos, Tom Lockhart, Cellos Slither, Latios Seregreen, and Secrett Lockhart. While Secrett was fighting alongside Latios, Azeroth infected her with the Aerostigma, a virus made by Violet Lush, a crazy scientist who slept all the time and then would make up these really scary antidotes to viruses that didn’t even exist. [s]Aerostigma was released by none other than Azeroth.[/s] Secrett then had Shiva, Latios’s daughter. Yes, I know what you’re thinking, when did that happen? Well…eight and a half months before Shiva was born. Shiva Lockhart was then given the trait of the Aerostigma and Latios’s powers. Now she is one of the last people on the earth to have the imagination powers although she rarely uses them since she really doesn’t know she has them. Shiva grew up as an orphan, since Secrett was taken by the Wicked (Isn’t Wicked a place? X_X) and went missing. [s]And then[/s] Latios went away before he knew that Secrett was pregnant with Shiva. Secrett passed down membership of The Regiments to me since I was an original member, but she gave the leader role to Tidus. Carlos is still here, but he’s really old and can’t fight as much anymore. Tidus was an ex-warrior in the war with Azeroth and I guess he has more experience, especially since I was just hiding most of the time while Kanoni protected me, or I was trying to save every ones ass by picking them up in my helicopter, The Strife Maker. We also have a new friend, like Reno Rivera. We worked together for a while with the air force and then started using our skills for The Regiments. Reno can be really annoying sometimes, but he’s like my brother.
After Azeroth’s second defeat she was frozen above Lake Meth and was put even deeper into the rich soils beneath the waters by the warriors of the second battle. Now as our world tries to recuperate with all that we have lost I’m afraid that the war is far from over…

This prologue had too much in it. You should cut it down and use some of it for the beginning of this novel. Otherwise, it was pretty good. I liked it; it had a certain twist to it…

Rule #1 - Big blocks of text = bad. It's harder to read and fairly annoying.

Is this a synopsis of your story? Because that's what it reads like. If I were you, I'd cut this completely. If it's important to the story, reveal it throughout. This is just one big info dump in summary form.

a crazy scientist who slept all the time and then would make up these really scary antidotes to viruses that didn’t even exist.

If he sleeps all the time how does he have time to come up with antidotes for anything? Is it even scientifically possible to create antidotes for something that doesn't exist?

Cut this. It sounds like a very interesting story, but I'd rather read about it in showing form, rather than telling.

I'm really liking the sound of the story so far as it already talks of betrayal, vampires magic potions, war and in general lots of exciting things. Sadly i think that you should take some time and edit it. I suggest that you break it down in to paragraphs like maybe one about the kings murder , one for each of the people and possible a bit about his parents murder?