Just a dream

We are standing across the room
you catch my eye.
You are looking at me
as I do the same to you.
You come towards me
with a smile on your face.
I reach out to you
you grab my hand.
I feel so safe, calm, adored
and I hope you feel the same.
Then you pull me in closer
eventually our lips almost join.
Then you give me one final gaze
I close my eyes.
Then just as I think we will finally join
I wake up.




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sorry if it is not lyric poetry, i don't know
the difference.

Hi Bailey! It's okay that you're a little confused about the categories-I still am sometimes. I'm pretty sure this is lyric poetry though.

Now, on to the poem. It's not a bad premise, but the "just a dream" concept is a tad overdone. Case in point: I wrote "The Kiss", a poem with a similar theme, over a year ago. At the moment, this piece falls flat because you're just telling the reader about a dream you had and not making them care.

So how do you fix this? Try putting the reader in the dream. Make them see, hear, taste, smell, feel the scenery. Make them feel your anticipation as he comes toward you and as your lips are about to meet. Make them feel just as disappointed in the end when you wake up.

Now, how do you accomplish this? Try adding sensory detail and original descriptions of the action. Where are you guys, for starters? A beach? A crowded party? A forest? What does he look like? How does his hand feel against yours? Answering these and possibly more related questions will help give your poem a more unique flavor. No two dreams are alike, so make your poem reflect the dream itself and it will be much more interesting.

I do think you have a good idea here, it just needs more detail in the expression. Keep writing!

Hola Baileyboo. You my dear, have the honour of being the first person I have critiqued on this site, for a year. So yes. haha

Righto lets get stuck in then. I must say Bailey ( it is alright if I call you Bailey isn't it?) I found the whole premise of kissing a handsome stranger in one's dream a little, well dull. It might not have been so bad were it not for the line " I wake up", it's a pretty juvenile cop-out.
It might have worked if you created an atmosphere within the poem, draw us in - let us share in your dream. Also, give us some idea of how you're feeling. Most poems are read to evoke - so evoke. Otherwise I'm just as well of reading a manual...

eventually our lips almost join.

For some reason, I'm really feeling this line. I think it's because it gives a feeling of suspense, or because it ties in well with the tease that dreams subject dreamers to lol .

Alas, it is 02:36 and my eyes are becoming unnaturally heavy.
Good night, and please keep writing.

Love
Kris
x





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sorry if it is not lyric poetry, i don't know
the difference. [/quote]

I thought this was going to be a good poem, until the last line. Even still it is kinda dull.

I think if you put more suspense in it then I would like it better.

I also think it needs more visionary in it.

This poem has potential, it just needs a little work.

Keep writing.