Meriadossa [1]

Being rewritten as of 18/06

Hey Esme, I have no idea what the title of this story means, but oh well, I’m reading and reviewing it!

The air was cold and stale, sunk deep with the perpetual stink of rats and mice, and all other filth wanted to be disposed of.

The word choice is a little shaky here though I like the idea and the feel of it. Try something more like this maybe: “The air was cold and stale, reeking deeply with the perpetual stench of rats, mice, and all other filth in need of disposal.” Or something similar to that.

Silence resumed, [s]full of dead rats and mice,[/s] and a chilly night wind slithering across the bay.

You’ve put a lot of importance on those rats and mice, too much, and this mention of them can go. This is repetition that you don’t need and in my opinion, this sentence is far more powerful without it.

Two armed with kitchen knives servants stood not far away…

This sounds rather…well, poor because it could more simply be written: “Two servants, armed with kitchen knives, stood not far away…”

…a merchant ship that carried aboard the man who had started the bloodiest war in the last two centuries…

A war that tore international trade into tatters, Meriadossa alienating the East and West.

I don’t completely understand this section because I can’t decipher just what it is you’re trying to tell us. I think what you want to say is more like: “It was a war that tore international trade into tatters. Meriadossa had alienated the East and West.”

A tired mortal, not a legend, tall and thin; a stick of a man.

I think you have a comma and a semicolon mixed up here.

“A tired moral, not a legend; tall and thin, a stick of a man.”

I should also mention that this is a rather messy fragment of words and though fragments can be powerful at times, it can do good to write in whole sentences too. Short and powerful though, remember that.

…whom she did not see for ten years.

‘did’ should be ‘had’ for the sake of tenses and such and ‘see’ should be ‘seen’.

That was only half-true as he needed a translator to understand what the man was telling him, but di Ariont took a certain pride from not learning the barbarian tongue, with its slurred consonants and apostrophes in writing.

I like this section because it gives a good sense of characterization and lets you see a better part of di Ariont.

There wasn’t much I wanted to really nitpick about throughout the rest. I liked it quite a bit, through I would like to know who it is that wrote the diary entry…because I’m not completely sure.

Dialogue

This is probably one of my favorite parts of this story because the dialogue isn’t too outrageous and it in fact blends in quite nicely. Most dialogue set in this type of time zone can sound choppy and out of place but this flows very smoothly.

Plot

One of my only real problems is in your plot because I did get a little lost. There are so many characters being introduced at once that I don’t know what to do with all of them at once. It could do with being paced out a little more smoothly.

Characters

However, though I did have keeping track of the characters, I did like the personalities of each because they all had their own distinct personalities, which is awesome. Now it’s just a matter of getting a better feel for each character as well as figuring out who is the villain and who is the good guy.

Style

Overall, I liked the style that you wrote this in, though there were a few places that words seemed out of order or where a word seemed to be missing. All it takes to fix these things is to read everything slowly and carefully.

Any questions, just hit the PM button.

~lilymoore

A little boy of that age was hugged into her furs,

Of what age? I looked through the preceding sentences, and you may be referring to ten years, which was how long the woman had been waiting, but It's too hard to discern that. I shouldn't have to read back like that.

Looking up, the Countess met with tired, tired eyes those of her daughter.

For this to make sense you'll need a comma after "eyes". Either that or some rephrasing is needed.

Two armed with kitchen knives servants stood not far away,

Move the "armed with kitchen knives" part after "servants".

The wearer cursed and dabbed at it impatiently, them pulled away immediately

Change "them" to "then".

Bloody Empire, the Meriadossam envou to the Empire thought

You mean "envoy" not "envou", and" Meriadossan", not "Meriadossam" (at least according to what you have written later).

The negotiations, in spite of he had written to the King, were not moving smoothly.

I'm not sure what you're trying to say in the middle bit between the commas. Try rephrasing it to make it more clear.

Other than a few wording problems and typos, I thought this was great! Your descriptions are vivid, and you use words that stand out in the reader's mind. The opening paragraph was a great mood setter, by the way. Overall I really liked it. Good luck with the rest of this.

Lily and mike,

Thank you for the terrific critiques, I really do appreciate you going over my piece. Right now I’m done with some of the minor issues (rephrasing, and then my “m” and “n” keys tend to become one and the same). Ha, but spelling mistakes and such always look perfectly well to the one who wrote them, sadly enough.

The diary entry is of Feliskian’s daughter, but as I’m writing it after the fact, I don’t suppose it helps. But you’re absolutely right, it needs to be cleaned up. Will be, too.

As to the whole politics thing – the trade, obviously the girl, also, and the writing to the king, etc., well, I guess it didn’t turn out to well. I think that maybe in my haste to not write info dumps I did the other way around. I’ll keep that in mind when rewriting – I’ll probably want to smoothen things, as you said, and expand a bit.

Again, thank you for reading,

Esme



Edit. To reviewer below:

That was an incredibly helpful review which must have taken a lot lot of time. But the other side of the medal is that it’s very very appreciated – thank you. As was said in the PM, everything is now stored (as with all reviews) in a folder on my computer, to be reread when rewriting. Thanks again.

Hi Esme, I'm going to be reviewing this. Be warned I do get rather...nitpicky...and I'm feeling incredibly tired this morning, which is not helping my mood, but I promise you I'll review as civilly as I can.

There were dead animals in the bay.

Ehh...usually, in writing, you want to avoid the "there was" construction as often as possible; it feels kind of boring and awkward, especially for a first sentence. Try something more active, like "dead animals floated" in the bay or something.

and all other filth wanted to be disposed of.

"Wanted"? Do you "waiting"? O_o

A little boy of that age was hugged into her furs, and a not much older girl held his hand, gazing out into the waters.

I know you mean that the boy is ten, but it's not that clear on a first read. I think the sentence would also read better if you said "a girl not much older" instead of "not much older girl". Also, I'm a bit confused as to who exactly is gazing into the waters.

“I’m cold,” wailed the Viscount

The Viscount is the boy, right?

but it was no longer amusing to try to catch it.

??

she turned the other way and started coughing mercilessly, gasping and choking on the putrid air while all the time struggling for breath. Tiny droplets of blood decorated her fingers when she finally did. Looking up, the Countess met with tired, tired eyes those of her daughter.

I'm a bit confused about what's going on here, in part because I'm not sure who's coughing--the Countless or her daughter? I do like the imagery here, though; it's concrete without being overwrought.

“I’m cold, Lana!”

Now I'm lost as to who Lana is, in part because I don't know who said this. O_o

Silence resumed, a chilly night wind slithering across the bay.

I don't know if silence and chilly night winds are exactly connected (typically, winds make noise?). Maybe say that everyone fell silent (which I think you're trying to say), and then add that a chilly night wind is slithering. I like that imagery, btw, of slithering wind.

Two armed with kitchen knives servants stood not far away

This'd read better as "two servants armed with kitchen knives".

Guards should have come instead of them, the two boys thought, but her ladyship could not pay for guards, and so it had to be them who were to protect the family from ruffians and any other ne’er-do-wells. A stupid thing for her ladyship and children to be out.

Who are the "two boys"? The servants? In that case, I think it'd be better to just say "servants" again. Also, the last sentence is a bit...eh. I think I understand what you're trying to get across, but it's not entirely clear. Unfortunately I can't think of a better way to phrase it (fat lot of help I am).

On a rather stupider note, I do like the word "ne'er-do-wells". It just has...this way of rolling off the tongue, doesn't it? And I like the touch with the servants being guards because the Countess can't pay for guards; it helps establish one facet of her character (she's poor) without directly saying it.

Another hour passed before the looked-for ship appeared in view

Meh, I'm not liking this use of "looked-for", it feels kind of...stilted? Maybe it'd be better to just say "the ship they were waiting for" or something along those lines.

a merchant ship that carried aboard the man who started the bloodiest war in the last two centuries, accused and imprisoned for taking part in the plot that killed Meriadossa’s two heirs, their wives, and a handful of prominent nobles. A war that tore international trade into tatters, Meriadossa alienating the East and West.

Wow, this is a lot of information, really quickly. I couldn't really digest it all right away. Perhaps instead of giving so much information at once, just make a kind of...vague foreshadowing reference that Imilian has caused a lot of trouble or whatnot. That would add some suspense and make it easier on your readers, to boot.

Imilian Valkarad.

A tired mortal, not a legend; tall and thin, a stick of a man. He disembarked calmly, as calmly as if he were doing so from any other voyage. He glanced at his namesake son and daughter, then at his wife.

I like this description of the Count; it says a lot in a few words and gives the reader a very clear image of what kind of person he is. Good job.

exhausted and weak

"Exhausted" and "weak" kind of mean the same thing in this context; just stick with one.

Cont Imilian Valkarad was home – war had come to an end.

I like this sentence; it's very short and emphatic and connects two ideas (the count being home, the war being over) very clearly. However, I think you mean "Count", not "Cont".

The wearer cursed and dabbed at it impatiently, then pulled away immediately, disgusted at the touch of wet fur on his fingers. Bloody Empire, the Meriadossan envoy to the Empire thought distractedly, bloody cold outside and inside, and everywhere, and bloody Valkarad –

Ha ha, nice. You've done a good job introducing us to to this new character and giving us a very distinct impression of his character without telling us that he's this kind of person (haughty, bad-tempered). This is like...the perfect example of showing instead of telling. *feels jealous*

That was only half-true as he needed a translator to understand what the man was telling him, but di Ariont took a certain pride from not learning the barbarian tongue, with its slurred consonants and apostrophes in writing.

I like this, too, as it gives us more insight into di Ariont's character, and also lets us know what hte language is like (although I'm unsure which language you're referring to...this is probably just me being bad about fantasy, but I can't tell the countries apart). Does di Ariont oppose Valkarad?

He gestured at the translator and secretary in one, a young man of maybe twenty

There's something about the "in one" phrase that bothers me...again, I know what you're trying to say, but I think there's a better way to say it.

“Read the Valkarad file,” he ordered the translator when the spy had left and only a crackle of flames was to be heard in the small, stuffy chamber, in size fit more for the servants’ quarters than an aristocrat in di Ariont’s opinion.

I don't think you need the "in di Ariont's opinion" part, since you've already firmly established that the viewpoint character in this section is di Ariont.

Not even a suite, much to his irritation, since his lodging consisted only of a minute study and a sleeping chamber, shared with the translator and a manservant.

"which he shared" would sound better, I think.

The translator took a meager three steps from one end of the chamber to the other, and found himself next to a laden with papers desk.

Again, "laden with papers" would be better after "desk".

Efficient, that one. He wondered for what sins such a young man like him ended up so far from civilization. Looked underneath the wrong skirts?

LAWLZ. Another wonderful example of di Ariont's voice. I quite like the guy already, even though I feel he's supposed to be an antagonist. However, I'm still not sure where exactly he is.

Boring and stiff like old King Cadeirn himself, declining a cup of wine after barely his second.

More lulz. I really like di Ariont's voice; it's so distinct and snarky. (I have this...pathetic weakness for snark...) What land is King Cadeirn king of, though? I've gotten rather confused about the countries and stuff already...

“… political immunity protected him, but Valkarad spent exactly ten years in the Citadel under the strictest rigors. His role in the Caligny Tragedies remains undefined. Lord Rubrin, who is the captain of guard in the Citadel, says that whatever Valkarad was, he is not now. He claims that Valkarad-”

“Went stark mad, yes,” ended di Ariont, who knew every word of the report by heart.

Wait, di Ariont knows every word in the report? Then why is he asking for it to be read to him? Unless my sleepiness is making me inattentive and I missed something...

“That he seems fine but then suddenly becomes aggressive, yes, yes.”

I feel like this should be "seemed", not "seems".

He had almost suffered an attack of apoplexy when he learned that Valkarad was to be released – how was he, a Meriadossan envoy, to behave around the man? Risk the wrath of Cadeirn or the Emperor Feliksian? And then the peace negotiations, the delicate peace negotiations with Valkarad lurking about!

Again, I like the look into di Ariont's mind, but I'm so completely lost as to who's who in all these countries and whatnot...are di Ariont and Valkarad countrymen, or from opposite countries? O_o

The negotiations, in spite of he had written to the King, were not moving smoothly.

I think you mean "what he had written". I do like that di Ariont would lie in his letters to the king; it's another interesting tidbit of his personality.

A decade’s worth of his monarch’s crusade to avenge his sons was not an easy matter to close, and the Emperor was cunning if not civilized, hinting at marriage between one his daughter and Caderin’s remaining heirs. Overseas it was generally feared that Meriadossa would cave in to those demands, wanting to appease the Easter Lands which demanded that trade treaties with the Empire were to be renewed, threatening with a war of their own, one that Meriadossa could not afford.

Oh, goodness...so much, so soon... *feels disoriented* Perhaps this is my problem from being unable to tell the countries apart...

He shot a calculating, bleary-eyed look to the desk

I don't think it's possible to be calculating and bleary-eyed at the same time. O_o

an exact copy of the leather-bound book underneath a tile in the girl’s room.

Which girl's room? And why would di Ariont have a little girl's diary?

Dearest Diary,

Rinnie who is my governess who has two children even though she is not married says I am to be married! I rather think she would like to have me as a daughter rather than her daughter because I am the daughter the Emperor (may he live forever and ever). I am to be married to a prince! I am to be a queen someday and then even Nikolas who is my brother will have to bow before me because I will be a queen and he will be only the Emperor’s (may he live forever and ever) heir. And he will have to be very nice to me.

Who's Rinnie? However, I really like the way this diary entry is written: it seems like something a young girl really would write and has a very distinctive voice. I lulzed at the "Emperor (may he live forever and ever)" bits. And the last sentence. It's so very cute... Although I'm confused what the plot relevance of the diary is (or why di Ariont has it).

“Idiot girl,” di Ariont muttered to himself, and took another healthy swig of wine, then another, until only a few droplets were left. “More.”

Ha ha ha. Again, nice display of di Ariont's character.

Overall thoughts--

All right, if you couldn't tell, I was actually completely lost as to what the plot was. All I'm aware of is that there are two countries who don't like each other, that Valkarad managed to set a war off but now the war is over, and, um...yeah. In part it's because I'm not sure which is which when it comes to the countries, and also because I don't know who the protagonist is. I get the feeling it's not di Ariont, but then I don't know who else it could be because the first part of the story was written from omniscient perspective. So yeah, you might want to do some clarification plot-wise; maybe start with introducing a formal protagonist to revolve the plot around early on.

That being said, I do like your characters, especially di Ariont--you did a wonderful job characterizing him without ever telling us anything about him: you just let his own actions and thoughts speak for themselves. He feels fully-realized, three-dimensional, and a real person with his quirks and opinions. Great job. Well, maybe I just like him because I've got a weakness for snarkers, but I really do feel he's a very well-written character. And the little girl who wrote the diary, even though I don't know who she is, had a very distinctive voice as well.

The Countess in the first part of the story was also characterized well; you did a good job showing her relative poverty (the servants as guards, the paste jewels) without telling us outright, as well as displaying her weakness. Even Valkarad, though he only showed up for about one line, managed to leave a clear impression on me as to what kind of person he was. I'd say the only characters that need some work are the two kids (is one of them going to be the protagonist?).

Your prose is sound, except for your habit of placing modifiers in front of instead of after the noun (it's fine both ways, I guess, but I feel it reads easier if they're after), and could be rather stilted and unclear at times in the first part. It was perfectly fine in the second part, though; I feel that narrowing the focus to di Ariont helped streamline your prose a bit as opposed to the omniscient format, so maybe find a distinct narrator for the first part as well?

Overall, I'd say that this would be a fine work if you clarified the plot somewhat (don't be afraid to dump some background on the reader, because sometimes infodumps are necessary!), and maybe introduced an identifiabel protagonist early on. Still, I'm intrigued, and definitely would be reading more. And I think I've already mentioned how much I love di Ariont.

The best of luck in your endeavors!