The Fox and the Prince (1&2)

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Chapter I - The Fox

"Wake up, Fox."

The Fox lazily opened one brilliant blue eye to gaze at the creature who had wakened him.

"What is it, Wolf?" he asked with a yawn, stretching his sable form. With a shake of his head, the now-limber Fox sat on his haunches and looked at his companion.

"There is a human in these woods."

"A human, you say?" The Fox's ears peaked with interest.

"Indeed," the shaggy gray Wolf rumbled, his yellow eyes piercing. "He crossed the border three days ago, around evening, and is currently camped in the Troll's Glen."

"The Troll's Glen?" The Fox stood, his eyes wide and jaws parted in alarm. His delicate pink tongue licked nervously along his muzzle. "Why did no one tell me earlier?"

"If you would bother to den down in one place for more than a day, perhaps finding you would not be so difficult." The Wolf turned away from the Fox. After only a few paces, the Wolf stopped, looked over his shoulder, and growled, "Well, what are you waiting for? If you hurry, you may yet reach the human before sundown."

The Fox bounded forward until he was next to the Wolf. "And what about you? Why aren't you taking this chance for yourself?"

The Wolf gave a great bark of laughter. Noticing the Fox's concerned expression, the Wolf playfully batted his friend with his great gray tail. "I resigned myself to this fate long ago," he told the fox as his blazing sun eyes darkened with emotion. "In any case, I have been a wolf for so long, I have nothing to return to."

The Fox watched sadly as his companion began slowly limping away. "Wolf..."

This time, the Wolf did not halt or turn to look at the Fox. "What are you lingering here for?" he called over his thickly ruffed shoulder. "Go save the human, and maybe you will finally save yourself."

The Fox stood still and watched his friend’s timber gray coat disappear among the unruly undergrowth before he turned away to race the sun.

Chapter II - The Prince

It was shortly past sunset, and the prince had just curled up beneath his cloak, when something wet and cold nudged his naked neck from behind. His reflexes honed from years of combat training, the young prince was up on his feet in a split second, sword drawn and at the ready, only to pause in consternation – there was no one else in the clearing but him, the boulders to his back, and his dying campfire.

The prince's eyes darted around the clearing as he whirled around and around, anticipating an attack though there was nothing to attack or be attacked by. Bewildered, the prince lowered his sword a fraction before swinging it at the tugging on his leg. He heard a yelp and some muffled cursing before the tugging resumed, this time from a different direction.

As the prince swung with his sword again, the tugging ceased, only to be taken up again from yet another direction. This time, however, the tugging was accompanied by words.

"Down here, you blind boy!" came the voice, sharp and slightly panicked. "Stop twirling around like a deadly maple seed and follow me."

The prince shielded his eyes from the glare of his weakly burning fire and peered into the deep shadows at his feet. Eventually, he was able to discern a flash of white lashing back and forth through the air – the blaze of a fox’s tail, the prince finally surmised.

"Hurry, human!" yipped the fox, tugging insistently at his pant leg. "This place is not safe."

"Not safe? What d—" The prince was cut off as the boulders behind him began to rumble, the grinding and gnashing of stone upon stone shaking every bone of the prince’s body. As he watched in horrified rapture, the stones rose higher and higher into the night sky, pushed up by columns of pure gold.

After reaching a predetermined height, the tangle of precious metal and ordinary stone rearranged itself into a entranceway, revealing to the prince a marvelous spiraling staircase wrought of silver and sapphire, gold and ruby. From far below, the chorus of a rowdy song drifted up the steps, preceding even the lamplight of company that sang it.

As the fox quailed and moaned about trolls, the prince could only stare transfixed as the music drew closer and closer; so utterly entranced was he by the magic of the escalier. He would have gladly walked forward to his doom had the fox not bitten him firmly on the leg, the sinking of sharp teeth into his calf wakening the prince from his thrall.

"Foolish human! Run!" With that, the fox darted off into the trees without looking back.

Pausing only to grab his bundle of supplies, the prince ran after the fox, following the white tip of its tail. They had run perhaps fifty yards when a great bestial cry came rolling from the clearing, quickly followed by feverish chants of "Human! Human!"

Spurred on by the promise of pursuit, the prince did his best to ignore the pain of his leg. Keeping track of the fox's glowing white blaze helped distract him, as did the effort it took to not impale himself upon his naked sword. When at last the fox paused for breath, the prince took the opportunity to finally sheathe his blade and place his pack properly on his shoulders.

"Have we lost them?" the prince panted, watching warily over his shoulder.

The fox stood still, its ears cocked in the direction they had fled from, its nose high in the air. "No," said the fox, and off it ran again, the prince stumbling close behind.

"Where are we running to?" wheezed the prince, heavily favoring his right leg and nursing several cuts from whiplashing branches.

Without pausing in its stride, the fox answered, "A safe place."

"And where is that?"

"You will see," came the curt reply. "Save your breath for running."

And so the prince ran after the fox, the crashing of undergrowth the only sound in the otherwise silent forest. For the prince, time seemed to have slowed down, thickened, coalesced; he no longer knew if he had been running for minutes or hours. In either case, his scrapes burned and itched as sweat flowed over them, his lungs were being crushed by fire, and his leg blazed with pain from the bite and the cramping of abused muscles. The prince was at his limit, and desperation tinged his voice as he rasped out, "How much further?"

"Almost there. Look!"

The prince looked up from the fox's tail and saw before him an abandoned church, decayed from long disuse. To its left was a small and overgrown graveyard, its sole monument, a simple stone cross, weathered away by the work of wind, water, and moss. The yard was equally overgrown, the accumulation of decades worth of dead plants forming a gnarled and tangled net of grasses which threatened to ensnare the prince as he ran through. The chapel itself, with its flagstone floor, had not weathered the elements much better; everywhere were loose stones dislodged by tree roots, the roof had long caved in, and several of the walls had crumbled into treacherous piles of rubble.

"To the altar," the fox barked encouragingly. "To the altar, and then we can rest."

The prince raced past shattered and rotten pews, his eyes fixated upon the altar – his salvation. Of all the things in and around the church, the altar alone remained wholly intact. The simple slab of granite stood stoutly at the head of its congregation, unmarked by the passage of time and the destructive hand of neglect. Looking upon its pristine state, the prince's heart swelled, and he knew that if he could reach that altar, he would be spared; he would be safe.

Just as he passed the last pew, however, the prince's beleaguered leg finally gave out, sending him crashing to the cold stone floor. Dazed by his fall, the effects of fatigue began to overtake the prince, and he began drifting off into exhausted sleep.

The fox did not take kindly to this. "Get up, human!" it snarled, nipping at the prince's ear, fingers, hand, nose, anything it could reach. "You are too close to give up now! Get! Up!"

Through the haze of weariness that clouded the prince's senses, the pain flashed through, scattering the fog of fatigue long enough for the prince to move one leg, the other, his arms, his torso, and so on, and so forth, until eventually the prince had dragged himself up the dais and behind the altar.

The last coherent thing the prince heard before he finally fell into sleep's greedy embrace was the fox repeating, "Good boy, good boy," as it licked clean his face.
Last edited by Kale on Mon Sep 20, 2010 12:56 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Hey, great new installment! I really like the antics of the Fox, and the Wolf too. I was a bit confused by Wolf's dialogue at the beginning - what was that about him "resigning himself to his fate?" If you're going to expand on it later on, that's fine, but it's not very clear right now.

Here's a few things I noticed.

his leg blazed with pain


"Blazed?" That's a pretty unusual verb. Its usual meaning is "to shine brightly" so I'm not sure if this is the right place for it.

its sole monument, a simple stone cross, weathered away by the work of wind, water, and moss.


This needs a verb. "Weathered" is an adjective and can't stand on it's own. Putting a "was" before the adjective would fix the sentence and preserve the meaning, too.

The last coherent thing the prince heard before he finally fell into sleep's greedy embrace was the fox repeating, "Good boy, good boy," as it licked clean his face.


Hehe, I laughed at that. But the "coherent" isn't needed in light of the fact that he doesn't hear anything incoherent afterward.

Nice work and keep writing! =D




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Hi, Kyllorac! Once again, a perfect story. Amazing! *gives cookehs*

And a foxeh! =O I love you for the foxeh *is so not obsessed >.>*

This wasn't much of a review, but your work doesn't need a grammar or punctuation look through because its perfect as it is! Really incredible the way I can't find a grammar mistake no matter where I look.

Anyway...

Keep up the writing!

-
Will
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Willgot: ... You're surrounded by the Mohave, its the desert. XD
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Heya!

The Fox lazily opened one brilliant blue eye to gaze at the creature who had wakened him.


Add some more to this. How was the wolf standing? Was it's head down, nose almost touching the ground with its tongue hanging out? Was he sitting, tail sweeping a trail in the grass or dirt?

"Indeed," the shaggy gray Wolf rumbled, his yellow eyes piercing.


It may be just me but piercing doesn't go here. Perhaps twinkling with excitement or something. If it were dark out, then I would understand his eyes piercing through the darkness.

"In any case, I have been a wolf for so long, I have nothing to return to."


The comma after long should a period. It just seems to fit better.

His reflexes honed from years of combat training, the young prince was up on his feet in a split second, sword drawn and at the ready, only to pause in consternation – there was no one else in the clearing but him, the boulders to his back, and his dying campfire.


The long sentences, no doubt, give the whole thing a more fairy taleish style, but I couldn't help but point it out. Place the period after second. Then put "he" before only then nix "to" and put a d on the end of pause.

~~~~~

I enjoyed these two chapters greatly. The first one was rather short but it was still good.
You, however, could add more description into the first chapter. Describe the surrounding forest and the wolf. It would add a little more to the whole thing.

I like the little part you threw in the beginning about the wold being resigned to his fate. It makes me curious to know who the fox and the wolf were before. There wasn't much character development throughout the whole thing, but it's still the beginning.

I hope I helped a little. PM when the next part is up.

Meadow
Purple light in the canyon
that is where I long to be
With my three good companions
just my rifle, pony and me

--- "My Rifle My Pony and Me"




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You seem to have style nailed down. It flowed well and was easy to follow. Spelling and grammar were good too. I couldn't find much that needs changing - a little physical description of the prince would be nice.

Bewildered, the prince lowered his sword a fraction before swinging it at the tugging on his leg. He heard a yelp and some muffled cursing before the tugging resumed, this time from a different direction.

This bit had me a little confused. It seemed like he cut the fox, but there is no indication of it later. The fox doesn't seem angry about being cut, and he doesn't notice the wound when he finally sees the fox.

weathered away by the work of wind, water, and moss

Covered in moss? Moss isn't really weather.

You said "his naked neck," and "his naked sword." It seems a bit repetitious. Perhaps say "his bare neck."

Also, being bitten hurts. Lots. The prince doesn't seem to have much of a response. When I was about 12 my dog (who's about the size of a fox) bit me because I was hassling him. It hurt so much I picked him up and threw him across the room. A bit more description of the pain would help.

These characters keep injuring each other and neither seem to care. The fox bites the prince, the prince slashes the fox with his sword - yet they act quite ammicable towards each other, which seems a little unrealistic.

I did think the ending was good, especially the vivid description of the church. Sorry for the shortness of this review - there just wasn't much that needed fixing.
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Thank you, everyone. :D You're all so helpful.

"Blazed?" That's a pretty unusual verb. Its usual meaning is "to shine brightly" so I'm not sure if this is the right place for it.

I meant "blazed" as in "burned intensely," like the way fire blazes. I hope that clears that up.

"Weathered" is an adjective and can't stand on it's own.

Covered in moss? Moss isn't really weather.

Actually, weather can be a verb. As a verb, weathering something means you wear it down, or it can also mean endured (we weathered the storm). Mosses and lichens break down stone into soil and thus weather it.

@Meadow - Ah, yes. Description. One of these days, I'll nail it down. >.> In the meantime, do keep pointing out my lack of it. :D

This bit had me a little confused. It seemed like he cut the fox, but there is no indication of it later. The fox doesn't seem angry about being cut, and he doesn't notice the wound when he finally sees the fox.

This winds up being a plot point later on. :3

These characters keep injuring each other and neither seem to care. The fox bites the prince, the prince slashes the fox with his sword - yet they act quite ammicable towards each other, which seems a little unrealistic.

Keep in mind that the fox went to the clearing with the intent of rescuing the prince. As the prince might be a way to save the fox, the fox isn't going to just abandon the prince, especially when there are trolls on their tail. As for the prince, the fox's bite hurt, yes, but it snapped him out of the spell. If the fox had just ditched the prince, the trolls would have taken the prince and made him their slave. If the trolls ever released the prince, he would certainly be mad as the captives of trolls are always either mad or dead.

In any case, most of this will be covered in the next chapter. :D
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Hi, prepare to be reviewed until you walk funny.

I'm terrible at this, so instead of actively looking for flaws I'm going to grab all the stuff that sounds cool and point it out, because I'm awesome like that. If I find any flaws that irk me I'll point them out.

Good personifications of the animals here:

stretching his sable form


the shaggy gray Wolf rumbled, his yellow eyes piercing


His delicate pink tongue licked nervously along his muzzle


Excellent stuff there.

"Stop twirling around like a deadly maple seed and follow me."


Also cool.

As I read this I think it could be improved by giving the prince a name, and maybe even a background. What's the prince doing alone in the wilderness? Is he in exile? Maybe you're saving that for later, if so a name would still be helpful. It doesn't do to refer to him as the prince the whole way through, in my opinion.

as it licked clean his face


All in all not too many nitpicks, 'tis a worthy and noble effort. :D
"Is", "is." "is" — the idiocy of the word haunts me. If it were abolished, human thought might begin to make sense. I don't know what anything "is"; I only know how it seems to me at this moment. -Robert Anton Wilson




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Hey Kyllorac :) Here is your review.

As I told you I don't do grammar but I don't think you need much grammar help anyway. I'll just do a sort of overall thing I think and see how it goes.

Chapter 1

I'm quite liking the whole writing from the animals perspective. I'm hoping that we will get more information as to why these animals can talk and also I hope maybe in later chapters you will shed more light on what they are actually talking about. For instance why doesn't the wolf want to go? Why does the fox want to go? and so on. Otherwise it's just a random fox and wolf having a random conversation xD

I do like some of the descriptions you have here though, they are really good and definitely give me, the reader, an image in my head of what they look like, where they are and what they are doing. So keep that up!

Now I'm a stickler for dialogue. Dialogue that doesn't sound quite right always ruins the story a bit for me and some of the lines of dialogue you have in this first chapter are a bit off, for me anyway. They don't sound very natural and that may sound odd seen as it's two animals talking and that's not natural lol I'll point a couple out.

Kyllorac wrote:"A human, you say?" The Fox's ears peaked with interest.

"Indeed," the shaggy gray Wolf rumbled, his yellow eyes piercing. "He crossed the border three days ago, around evening, and is currently camped in the Troll's Glen."

"The Troll's Glen?" The Fox stood, his eyes wide and jaws parted in alarm. His delicate pink tongue licked nervously along his muzzle. "Why did no one tell me earlier?"

"If you would bother to den down in one place for more than a day, perhaps finding you would not be so difficult." .


I can't quite put my finger on it but something about these lines of dialogue bugs me. I get this feeling of the fox and wolf being these perfect English gentlemen and perhaps that is what you were going for but it annoys me. They seem to talk in perfect sentences and people just don't talk in perfect sentences.

I think the line that most bugs me is "Why did no one tell me earlier?" - I think it might be better if it were "Why was I not told sooner?" or "Why was I not told?" or "Didn't anyone think to tell me?".

What I try to keep in mind when writing dialogue is how people actually talk and then whenever I write a line of dialogue I always think, would I actually say this? Can I picture someone saying this?

Of course you could actually want them to sound like English gentlemen as I said before or I could just be being way to picky but as I said I'm a stickler for dialogue :P

Other than that I enjoyed this first chapter, even if it was a little brief. Perhaps you could describe more of the wolfs approach to the fox?

Chapter 2

This chapter was a little fast for me, I think maybe you need to pace it out a little more. It was all a bit one thing after the other after the other. I think you need more time to set the scene a little, set up the fox meeting the human and then the archway thing happening (which was cool by the way). So yeah just I think pace it out a little, make room for the mundane or at least just setting the scene.

Also I was quite surprised that the prince seemed to have no reaction to the fact that there was a talking fox pulling on his leg xD

Kyllorac wrote:Hurry, human!" yipped the fox, tugging insistently at his pant leg. "This place is not safe."

"Not safe? What d—" The prince was cut off as the boulders behind him began to rumble, the grinding and gnashing of stone upon stone shaking every bone of the prince’s body. .


It just seems like the Prince is perfectly OK with the idea of the talking fox and to me that seemed a little strange. Perhaps though, in this world, a talking animal is something quite ordinary but if it isn't I would like to see some reaction.

Also I don't know anything about the Prince. Not necessarily his name or how he looks but just his character, how he reacts to things, what his personality is like and things like that. You have to make a reader invest in your character before you put them in some sort of danger because otherwise the reader will end up not caring. However I did see you say to Barrett that there is a prologue to this, so maybe that will help a little with knowing what the prince is like but I don't know if I see that helping much. It usually takes a chapter or two before you get to know a character properly.

Again though you had good description in this chapter, I enjoyed that :)

I'm really interested to see what these trolls are like! And I want to see their little underground place and how the fox can save himself by saving the prince.

PM me if you have any questions and also PM me when the next part is up!
Hope I helped.

Bex x




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Kyllorac wrote:"Indeed," the shaggy gray Wolf rumbled, his yellow eyes piercing. "He crossed the border three days ago, around evening , and is currently camped in the Troll's Glen."


Two last bits, around evening, and is currently camped bit seems to me that the Wolf must be breathless as he pants these the details. It'd be nice if the sentence was cut up, that may just be my fancy. An example; "He crossed the border three days ago." Paused, perhaps to glance to the side, "The human arrived around evening, and is currently camped in the Troll's Glen."


His delicate pink tongue licked nervously along his muzzle.

Perhaps "nervously licked the contour of his maw" would be a better fit? It is a minor detail. For some reason, that specific line irked me. And for the life of me, I cannot explain as to the reason it might!


The Wolf gave a great bark of laughter. Noticing the Fox's concerned expression, the Wolf playfully batted his friend with his great gray tail. "I resigned myself to this fate long ago," he told the fox as his blazing sun eyes darkened with emotion. "In any case, I have been a wolf for so long, I have nothing to return to."

I feel that the Wolf is rather sardonic, self-deprecating and would like to see this exploited a tad bit more.


Pausing only to grab his bundle of supplies, the prince ran after the fox, following the white tip of its tail. They had run perhaps fifty yards when a great bestial cry came rolling from the clearing, quickly followed by feverish chants of "Human! Human!"


I'd be a bit out of it still, if I was our gallant prince. A slight observation on my part, at this point I'm thinking out loud. I'm also the person that would have my mouth gaping open going, "Huuuuh?" Reprimanding myself with; "Oh, yeah! I should start moving." After a bark or nip from the Fox, sometimes I need a bit of coaxing.

The prince looked up from the fox's tail and saw before him an abandoned church, decayed from long disuse.


Perhaps shave off a few words by saving time and using decrepit. While I do enjoy your style. It may be best to toy around with the structure and length of the piece to give it a pace. He is, after all, more interested in getting to the altar and saving himself rather than strolling on by and admiring what mother nature has done to the place.

Just as he passed the last pew, however, the prince's beleaguered leg finally gave out, sending him crashing to the cold stone floor. Dazed by his fall, the effects of fatigue began to overtake the prince, and he began drifting off into exhausted sleep.


I would like to see the use of "collapsed" in place of crashing for some reason. Perhaps to accent the theme -- the toll of this arduous undertaking.



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