Magius Trilogy - The Black Emerald

Welcome to the Land of Chisst, young wanderer. Although, you may be old, I cannot tell through these pages. So you wish to hear the tale of Kirthin the mage? I’m glad to tell you that you’ve come to the right place. I know things no one else knows about this most mysterious tale.

It begins with the village of Mahamiko, Kirthin’s home. As you may or may not know, Chisst is divided into five separate parts, but as Kirthin only knew of Darman, the mountain province in which he was raised and taught (though not to thoroughly it seems, hmm?), so you shall too.

Let us begin our story in Kirthin’s favorite spot to relax and think: a large clearing in the Sacred Forest of Mahamiko. He was watching the sun set, as he does every day, reflecting on the events of his already bizarre life...

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Yes, I decided to restart! From the beginning! So here's the prologue, Chapter I: Crimson Skies coming soon!

Heya!

Haha, I daresay, rewriting is much easier than just writing, eh? This prologue reminded me of Lemmeny Snicket--though I've only read like two-- and Tolkien's books.

It is rather short and there isn't much to critique here but I'll try and point out a few things.

Although, you may be old, I cannot tell through these pages.

Hmm, I would reword this sentence. This is just a suggestion too, so you don't have to use it:

You may be old, but alas I cannot tell through these pages.

It may be just the commas that threw me off

As you may or may not know, Chisst is divided into five separate parts, but as Kirthin only knew of Darman, the mountain province in which he was raised and taught (though not to thoroughly it seems, hmm?), so you shall too.

This is a long sentence and I know exactly where you can split this up. Put a period after parts

The part in brackets confused me a little, but I suppose it is a bit of foreshadowing? In my opinion you should nix that part, but then again it may be nessacary. 'Tis up to you.

~~~~~

Very lovely start. I really like this story--even though I've only read the first chapter and the prologue--and it is quite interesting.

PM if you have any questions.

Meadow

First off, I think that this beginning is a bit cliche. There are so many stories that begin like this. I would suggest that you put more original thought into this.

Welcome to the Land of Chisst, young wanderer. Although, you may be old, I cannot tell through these pages. So you wish to hear the tale of Kirthin the mage? I’m glad to tell you that you’ve come to the right place. I know things no one else knows about this most mysterious tale.

I think that you should take out the Although sentance. It just feels like it doesn't belong as well as the so you wish... It seems awkward there, but this may be a personal thing.

It begins with the village of Mahamiko, Kirthin’s home. As you may or may not know, Chisst is divided into five separate parts, but as Kirthin only knew of Darman, the mountain province in which he was raised and taught (though not to thoroughly it seems, hmm?), so you shall too.

So you shall to, can be taken out. Everything out seems pretty well. This seems a little bit more original. I would suggest that you make shorter sentances. Longer sentances bore the readers. Shorter sentances are better to use here.

Let us begin our story in Kirthin’s favorite spot to relax and think: a large clearing in the Sacred Forest of Mahamiko. He was watching the sun set, as he does every day, reflecting on the events of his already bizarre life...

I think that you should use a different tense, but this may just be me. This paragraph seems okay. And I like how you did the last sentance leaving the reader hungery for more about this story.

Good job with this piece, I think that you should put more of your originality into it, and for you to make it your own and different from the millions of other stories that start out like this. You know with the narrative and all. Remember to break up the sentances more, they reflect the tone. Longer sentances mean droning on, and boring. Shorter are just better used. This piece has potential however, with some editing. Good luck with your story, I will read more into it. Keep posting, and remember that practice makes perfect.

~Kaylyn

Hey blackpencil

There was nothing that I could pick out that was particularly wrong with the writing, I'm not a grammar person and it seems that the two reviews before me have already done this anyway. So I think I'll just give an overall impression of this prologue.

My first impression is that I think this prologue is a bit redundant. By this I mean that you could probably work all of the information in it, into the beginning of a chapter. For example you would set up your character in a sacred forest, in a clearing watching the sunset and reflecting. So if you did that in your first chapter you wouldn't need that line of the prologue. Also you could work a lot of the information you give us in the prologue into the main section of the story. Characters can explain this sort of thing through their thoughts or through talking to other characters. However, you may have some purpose to using the prologue because it seems as though it is written from a certain persons perspective, if you were going to explore this person later in the story then that would be quite interesting If not then you've used this person/character for no other reason than to introduce your story, which is a bit clumsy. Again though I have no idea what your aims are! So I could be way off base here haha

I also think it isn't long enough, there isn't enough time for you to sink your claws into the reader and hook them into your story. You start to get into it and then it finishes. With a prologue you need to hook the reader straight away into your story so that they keep reading and buy your book!

So I think what you should do is either lengthen your prologue a bit, perhaps add in a little more legend from your world into it. Some sort of legend that links into your story. Or you should forget the prologue and just start with some of this information in chapter one.

If you want to make your prologue better I would suggest going to your book case, finding a load of books with prologues and just reading them to get an idea of what prologues usually consist of.

So I hope I helped! Will you PM me when the first chapter is up? Also PM me if you need any help or have any questions.

Bex x

Hey, I really like this! I just finished reading your first one of these! It seems like a great plot!