Wrong.

This is a true story.
&&&&&&&&&


Coming home
From a business trip
In Saint Louis.
The airport terminals
Offer a grey and listless
Welcome.
The wheels of his suitcase
Squeak on the linoleum,
Following his steps.

Grey, January clouds
Fill the sky
Without break.
Their chill
Casts tendrils of frost
Creeping across the window’s glass.

Out past the
Lumbering runways
It still stands today.
Mocking him,
Reminding him
That he was weak.
Spineless.
Heartless.
A coward.

Eleven years gone.
Never relieving
The melancholy weight
Of the fragile life
That had been lost.
So many years ago,
In that building
Across the fields.

It’s alright.
They said.
Just tissue.
No big deal.

Her face.
Porcelain and docile,
Etched with fear.
So overwhelmed.
At breaking point.

But his hands remained
At his side.
His heart too young
To carry that weight.
It’s the right thing
It’s no big deal.
But the weight
Of continuation
Was much heavier.

Heavier and heavier
Still.

I’m sorry ,
He says.
You deserved a life,
And I’m sorry.
I love you dear daughter.
I love you,
Bethany Hope.

Hey there! This caught my eye mostly because I'm from St. Louis, haha, and I have no idea who this Bethany Hope girl is. But, to the actual review?

The poem isn't so bad but I think the way you have it structured and what you choose to talk about it/how effects my understanding of it a lot. As far as structure, you don't have many words per line and a whole ton of line breaks which means that while I'm reading it, I'm being jarred back and forth and the poem sounds real jumpy. But if I just take the meaning of the lines, I feel it should be more like a St. Louis storm rolling in: calm, dark, chilling. The structure of the poem makes this seem more like it's about a car crash than someone walking out of an airport sadly. Try to give it more flow and think hard on your line breaks, and how they might effect the reading/understanding of the poem.

My second thought is simply that since I have no idea who Bethany Hope is, while you're telling me all this stuff the father is feeling, all I am thinking is, "What happened?" and even though you told me it is Bethany Hope at the end, I don't know who that is! Can you further explained what happened to her within the poem? Use it to bring out the real details and emotions! As it is, you do a great job of telling what the father is doing, how it was afterward, and the effect it had on him, but you have yet to show how he is feeling, in the moment, and what the event felt like. Your poem brushes the surface, whereas it could easily go a lot deeper.

I think you have the ability to improve both of those things, judging just by the quality of the above. You're not a bad poet at all! I'm picking on the little stuff. Your subject matter is original and you tried to do it in a real original way. I love how blasé the actual situation is (leaving an airport) in compared to the way the father sees everything (the death(?) of his child). All it takes is a rewrite or two and you've got a splendid poem on your hands! Good luck.

this is very nice. There is something kind of dreary image in this poem, I think its partly because your word choice was fantastic. Each three or four letter line seems to give off a very powerful image and that is an important thing to be able to do as a writer.

The airport terminals

Offer a grey and listless

Welcome.

This is perfect!

Great job!

So I know this is a long time after you posted this, but hopefully you can use a few more suggestions on the poem. I'd meant to critique this not long after it was put up, but was delayed until now. Anyways, on to the review. ^_^

First of all, I'd recommend not capitalizing the first letter of every line. You don't have to and because the lines are so short in this poem, it actually makes everything look really weird. Keep the capitalization and punctuation basically the same as you would if your poem were written in prose form. ^_^

That raises a question, though, about why you've kept your lines so short? I can't really see a reason as to why you'd put 'welcome' on its own line, or really why you make any of those line breaks at all. It seems like the poem would be more natural if you wrote:

"Coming home from a business trip in Saint Louis,
the airport terminals offer a gray and listless welcome."

Because it's okay to have longer lines! ^_^

Grey, January clouds

This is the second time that you bring up the color 'grey', and I think that you're trying to portray the mood that goes with that color, but relying only on that word to do it. What else can you think of that would evoke that correct mood? Try to avoid using that word again, and remove it here. 'January clouds' gets the image across beautifully on its own.

Fill the sky

Without break.

If they fill it, then yeah, there wouldn't be a break. You don't need to repeat the same image. Take out one line or the other. ^_^

Out past the

Lumbering runways

It still stands today.

Well, first of all, how are the runways lumbering? What do you mean by using that word as an adjective? Is it simply trying to find a unique combination of words that hasn't been used before, and sticking it in without purpose, or are you trying to say something? Think about it. Also, /what/ stands today? You never quite get to revealing the object. Or else I missed something. xD

Never relieving

The phrasing here is awkward. The eleven years are never relieving? Maybe say they never relieve. Or something more active like that. I dunno.

Of the fragile life

That had been lost.

So many years ago,

This seems over-dramatic and kind of leaves a bitter taste in my mouth after reading it. The poem was pretty nice and simple up to this point, but now it seems like you're shoving pathos into every crevice.

I’m sorry ,

He says.

You deserved a life,

And I’m sorry.

I love you dear daughter.

I love you,

Bethany Hope.

Especially with this ending. I personally think you could end the poem at 'heavier and heavier/ still' and it would be nice there. It's just, I don't know the background behind this poem, but it seems to deal with loss, and so many poems about loss have the same sort of pathetic {in the pathos sense of the word, I guess}, begging, regretful tone. Sure, that accompanies loss, but why not explore a different facet of the feeling?

I felt like you had something going with the dismal airport. It's understated and doesn't scream 'omg mistake, loss, death, sadness'. Try working with that to rework this poem into something original and lovely. Don't feel afraid to take out the specifics of the situations, either, because you'll only end up trying to force yourself into a mold.

PM me if you have any questions!

-Hannah-