Journal of All Things Little [1]

This user has been banned and her works removed from YWS.

Hello Lauren! I'm Andromeda- here to critique your piece. Let's get on with it, shall we?

Yeah, I said, cos somebody invented perfume.

I like that you used perfume, but I'd like to suggest using bottled water, as a replacement, if you like it. It seems like something the simpler-minded would think of first (maybe just to me).
But if you choose to use 'perfume', why not associate a memory with it, perhaps of his mother? Maybe she longed for perfume but couldn't afford it, or he remembers a specific scent he thought was perfume on her. Just a few suggestions, of course. ^^

They said it was an apt name, when they watched me in the showers.

This made me laugh. I'd like to hear if he thought anything about this. Maybe he took it as a compliment (though a sane person would not), thinking it meant he was skinny.

I said probably not, because if I were going to write my thoughts and stuff then it would be too personal for her.

Do you mean he would probably mind? Because you're contradicting yourself by first saying he wouldn't mind, but then saying he doesn't want her to. This, of course, could be a purposeful error because of your MC's state.


So I noticed you had a few spelling and grammar mishaps. I took that these were done on purpose, because your MC has a mental illness. I had to read a short story with an MC similar to yours for school once (entitled Flowers for Algernon). He kept a diary as well, and wrote with incorrect spelling and punctuation and the like. If you are, in fact, going for that, I'd suggest you play it up, just a little more. Show that he doesn't understand some terms used in everyday language, too.

I like Rufus, and I like his name. I think you could show a few more thoughts and feelings he had about his mother, not just memories he had of her. Also, when he talks about the mother telling him of his birth, I'd like to hear a few things he remembered about how his mother's face looked (this would use body language to explain her feelings, though the MC wouldn't understand it and the reader would). An example: "She always bit her lip at this point, but I don't know why. I tried it once or twice, and my lips started to rip up and leak red." Not very well-written, but you get my point.

I'd like to know who this Susan is. How does she relate to Rufus? I'm sure he'd put whether they were friends or if he was forced to see her or if he didn't really know why she came. Let the reader know.

Also, I suggest adding in a description of what the diary looks like. Does Rufus think it's beautiful? Ugly? Plain? What? It would be a nice chance to add some description.

I'm excited for the romance. This seems like a promising story!

PM me with any questions!

--Andromeda

Lauren, I absolutely adore this piece, it's so simple yet perfect. It rings with that clarity of soul and beauty of words that is yours. Anyway, I haven't done a review for so long that I completely fail, so I'll just do an overview.

Have you read 'The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nightime,' by Mark Haddon? If you've not you should get a copy, it's a fantastic book about an autistic boy who writes a book about the death of the neighbour's dog, he interviews the other neigbours, but as he's autistic he takes things literally and it's a little hard for him to interpret the murder and solve it. Yet it's not really the murder the book's about, it's the development of the boy, Christopher I think his name is. It's about his development as a person, writing a book is something he struggles with, as he doesn't understand metaphors and takes everything literally, so everything is stripped to the essence of what it is. Anyway, I think this book would be extremely beneficial to this piece.

So, if the person is mental perhaps you should clarify (This need not be made publically brodcasted, in writing) but make sure you know, so that you can set characteristics of that particular condition. For instance, Christopher hated particular things, and could not be near them - the colour yellow, I think, a food and something else, it's been a while since I've read the book. However, these weren't dislikes towards the particulars, they were full on hatred, he could not be in their presence without being somewhat freaked out. Also the inability to interpret metaphors.

Another reason for knowing of his condition is so that you can make the other characters' reactions to him how they would be in reality, so to speak.

The writing style reminds me somewhat of the mentioned book and I adore the writing style.

Oh, this really was quite beautiful, so simplistic, yet beautiful.

Anyway, I think more that this review is the epitome of terrible rather than this work. xD

~

I am Rufus Little. This is my story. A story of the present days and a lot of harking back to the past.

I had to say, I just love this beginning

She says bottling things up leads to nothing but sorrow.

I'm not sure, but I think its lead not leads.

Sorrow’s such a sad word, and it makes me think of dead baby birds.

Whoah, that came out of no where. So dark. Ah.

Yeah, I said, cos somebody invented perfume.

It's cause nos cos

Last time Susan laughed I do not know; she has no smile-lines but she has many creases from frowns.

It sounds betterv and is grammatical correct this way: I do not know the last time Susan laughed; she has no smile lines, but she has many creases from frowns.

And she frowns a lot at me.

And is not needed in front of this snetence, never use the words but, because or and as the first word of a sentence because it indicates that the following is just a fragment and I think this sentence needs a bit more explaining. Why does she always frown at him?

Also i think you need the little ~~ here because that's what you did when you started the other section out as I am Rufus Little down below.

I am Rufus Little, but my mother called my Roof and the boys at school called me Little.

It should be before this

and I marvelled at how they remembered them all.

A comma is needed before this and

I looked at them and I put them away and I didn’t look at them for ages.

I looked at them and put them away; I didn't look at them again for ages.

Then Susan came round, and she was scribbling into her clipboard, and she said, How are you? How have you been?

Is this direct dialogue, if so there should be some quation marks around How and been?.

Yeah, Susan thinks she’s a shrink. But really she’s just maternal.

Yeah, Susan thinks she's a shrink, but really she's just maternal.

If I had any hair she’d pet it, like a little mistreated dog.

So hes bald? How old is this kid?

I told her about the notebook and fountain pen and I went and got it for her.

This is a very choppy sentence. I told her about the notebook and fountain pen; then I went and got it for her. sounds better I think, but fix it any way you want.

She gave me a funny look when I took it from its wrapping paper, and she said it was very smart and what was I going to use them for?

She gave me a funny look when I took it from it's wrapping paper, and she said it was very smart. Then she asked what was I going to use them for.
Also what was very smart? The fact that he kept it in the wrapping paper/ Or that his aunt sent it to him?

Rufus Little is my name,

I love how you repeat this each time

and the sky scarce had clouds

and the sky was scarce of clouds. My Mother ...
there needs to be two sentencs here instead of just adding a comma and saying and my mother. Its a run on sentence then.

Over All: Can I tell you how much I love this piece? There were a few grammical errors, but oh my gosh i love it. Can you pretty please pm when you post more of this??

Awesome job
-Tiffany

Aw, thanks you three, you've really made my day. Seriously. I've been stressing about exams and then I came on here and whoa, so much niceness(sp?). Virtual hugs to the lotta ya.

Andromeda ~~ Thanks! I'm so honoured to be bequeathed one of your first reviews! Yours is especially helpful. You're right about mistakes I made, and a lot of them were accidental! Come to think of it, that thing about him misinterpreting the shower thing might be a good idea. I do plan to talk more about his mother, and go in depth about things, but that will have to wait. i didn't want to jump straight into the deep end, so to speak.

Kirsten ~~ Yay! Thanks so much for sparing some time on this. It's not our usual classic stuff is it? Yes, I have read 'The Curious Incident...' I'm wary of this becoming too much like it, in terms of tone and the Susan character. Rufus is not autistic, though, but rather simple. I didn't want to get too technical, since this is from his POV and he doesn't like to admit his problems. But yeah, I'll be wary of this getting too much like aforesaid book.

Rascalover ~~ Thank you for the review. The nit=picks are incredibly helpful, because things just go right over my head, you know? I disagree about the speech-marks for dialogue; ordinarily I would use them, but I've decided that's how Rufus writes. I know, it's a bit stupid. Anyway, thanks tremendously for the help and the encouragement, and I do hope you will review part 2 as well, if that's not too much to ask.


Lauren

mhm, I remember the other thing I wanted to comment on!
Rufus Little, the name somewhat reminds me of a dog, lol. Perhaps that's because my dog is called Roddy, and that sounds a little like Rufus... or maybe not.

(: