Hurtful smiles

Hey =] So this is a little something that I wrote in an attempt to get through my writers block. I don't have a clue where the idea for this came from, but at least it's helped break through the barriers of writers block a little =] Hope you like it. xDudettex


The darkening and narrowing of her eyes was enough to make my insides knot. Make me want to disappear and avoid the hate filled scrutiny in her glare. Glowering was what she did best.

It was impossible to feel anything more than an inch tall when her eyes were set on you. Probing you. Destroying your self confidence.

But now I’d give anything to see that infamous glower. Who would have thought that smiles could hurt so much more.

Each grin cuts deeper, making me feel even more worthless.

Each smile is a slap to the face.

And I don’t think I can take it anymore. I don’t think I can stand to see another one of her deadly smiles.

Mocking me with false emotions is too much to bear. The pain is just too intense.

Smiles are supposed to be happy and comforting. Reassuring. Loving. But those aren’t feelings that she’s ever felt towards me.

Hatred. Loathing. Revulsion. Those are the feelings that she associates with me. Her own child.

I am the mistake. The child she never wanted.



Who would have thought that smiles could hurt so much more.


Thanks for reading!

Hi hi! June here!


I really like your writing-- I just don't read it enough. Here's an attempt to review/critique this.

So, for starters, I think you have a good opening.

Glowering was what she did best. The darkening and narrowing of her eyes was enough to make my insides knot uncomfortably.

I would eliminate the word uncomfortably. A knotting stomach is a sign of uneasiness, so it's implied that this character would be uncomfortable.

For who would have thought that smiles could hurt so much more.

I would eliminate "For" here; it's slightly bothersome, because it's kind of changing the language of the piece.

Each grin cuts deeper, making me feel even more worthless. A waste of space. A burden.

Each smile feels like a slap to the face. A punch in the stomach.

These sound pretty repetitive.



SO!

I think you have a good foundation here, dear, and I would certainly love for you to expand on it. I think that this is a wonderful start because you can go on into how this mother treats this child and so on so forth. If you continue/expand on this, let me know, please! I would love to follow along.


Juniper

Hi,
I really enjoyed this story. Just be sure to check for spelling mistakes!

Love,
N

Hey. I think June got most of the errors. And, I don't really have any either. I have to say I really liked this and I hope you expand on it, it has a lot of potential. If you do continue, I'd look forward to seeing this. The child's hatred of his/her mother was portrayed very well . Great job.

Wow, I have one thing to say and that's that this is very expressive! It seems you'r point of this bit was to get a girls/boys feeling across, and you did a awesome job. What I loved the best what many of the feelings and emotions you used, I felt as if I could feel them myself, so claps to you! I love your very style of writing!

Hi Dudette,

This isn't the sort of stuff that I usually review, but in your case I'll make an exception. Flash fiction usually limits you to describing a moment, a feeling, or a oddity. Your aim in writing this was to exploit our emotions. You did this admirably. Let's take it line by line, though.

xDudettex wrote: Glowering was what she did best. The darkening and narrowing of her eyes was enough to make my insides knot.

Just a thought, but perhaps you want to switch the order of these two sentences. Were you to do this, you would be giving us a little more context as we know your story will be told in the first person. You also immediately make it personal, and throw our emotions a little out of whack.

Make me want to disappear and avoid the hate filled scrutiny in her glare.

This is marvelously emotive. I think this line is great.

It was impossible to feel anything more than an inch tall when her eyes were set on you. Probing you. Destroying your self confidence.

I would cut the "more than an inch tall", and rather say, "It was impossible to feel like anyone when her eyes were set on you." I think that this would create a better effect, but that may just be my opinion.

But now I’d give anything to see that infamous glower.

Nice.

Who would have thought that smiles could hurt so much more.

Note this sentence, I'll return to it later.

Each grin cuts deeper, making me feel even more worthless.

Very nice, but you might want to be a little more personal once again. Example: "With each grin she cuts deeper, making me more worthless."

Each smile feels like a slap to the face.

Try, "Each smile is a slap to the face."

And I don’t think I can take it anymore. I don’t think I can stand to see another one of her deadly smiles.

Good. I can feel the anger.

Mocking me with false emotions is too much to bear. The pain is just too intense.

This feels to me a tad repetitive. Perhaps moving it to the end would help?

Smiles are supposed to be happy and comforting. Reassuring. Loving. But those aren’t feelings that she’s ever felt towards me.

Great!

Hatred. Loathing. Revulsion. That’s the feelings she associates with me. Her own child.

Those are the feelings she associates with me.

For I am the mistake. The child she never wanted.

I'm going to have to agree with June here. I'd remove the "For".

Who’d have thought that a simple smile could hurt so much.

I'm going to remind you of the line that I asked you to remember above:

Who would have thought that smiles could hurt so much more.

These sentences are virtually identical. If this is a refrain, I would suggest keeping the wording the same. If not, I'd do away with one of them.

Overall:
Description: There isn't much to comment about here. You've described the emotions perfectly. You've given us a vision into your character's mind. Well done.

Events: I notice that this is mostly a descriptive piece, but to sharpen the believability of your character, I'd try to give this a little context. I'd try to build a little around it as other reviewers have suggested. It's great as it is, but it might be able to be a little more inclusive.

Overall: Once again, you've outdone yourself. And as a result you've got yourself a great story! Well done! ^_^

Have a great one.

Hey Dudette You've given me some epic reviews so I'm hoping to return the favour, even though mine probably won't be as awesome, especially as your writing is fabulous. You portrayed this character very well, so I commend you for that. You can really feel the emotion bubbling at the surface, which is absolutely fantastic.

One thing:

For who would have thought that smiles could hurt so much more.

If it were me, I'd add a question mark at the end of this sentence, as well as the other one further down the page, at the end I agree that the 'For' takes away the overall language of the piece, so you might want to take that out too. So that it reads:

Who would have thought that smiles could hurt so much more?

Other than that, I thought this was excellent. If you flesh it out a little more and expand on it, shoot me a PM so I can follow. I'm sure this is definitely a story that I would find read-worthy. Again, I really lvoed the piece and you definitely continue writing Can't wait to read more of your work.