Sheila

You a cop? Lemme see your badge.

So you gunna arrest me?

What d'you mean, not if I talk to you? Ain't nobody want to just talk. I'm not going nowhere 'less you arresting me, and besides, I'm waiting for someone.

Hey, wait. Naw. Put the cuffs away, lady. Okay. But you gotta be quick, 'cos King don't like his girls talking and I gotta be able to see the street 'cos I'm waiting for someone. Hey! Hey Jewell! I got to talk to this lady, I'll be right over here in this diner. You holler if he comes, you hear? Make sure you holler at me if he comes.

Milk. Lotta sugar. Thanks. Aw--aw, hell, that ain't him. I thought it was, but it ain't. I'm waiting for guy, visits us round this time every day. Nice.

So what you want to talk to me for anyway? Yeah, King like us to be out all the time, even in this. Raining like hell an' he still has us on the corner waiting to give a blow job to some john with spare change. See Jewell over there? That shiner ain't from falling down no stairs, naw, she got greedy when King come for collections last week. Stupid. She lucky she ain't dead. You got to know how to behave if you want to survive in the streets, yanno?

That's if you want to.

Yeah? An' how would I earn? I need money and there ain't no other way I gonna get it.

Not the kind of money that could feed my habit.

No, look, I ain't saying nothin'. Don't look at my arms. Where is he? I have to go. He'll be here soon.

What do you mean, 'no he won't'? Why you shaking your head? I ain't looking at a picture, answer me...aw, shit. That's him. He dead? I...I don't know nothing. No, I don't know who shot him. No, I don't know nothing 'bout a drug deal. He just sell us some blow, that's all.

Aw, shit, that's King, I gotta go, lady. I ain't s'posed to be talking you you. Aw, shit, he gonna be angry.

What're you doin'? Don't go out there, he'll know I was talking to you. Stop. Put the gun away! Shit--

*

Yeah I was pretty near done grillin' these dogs in the back they prolly all burnt up now but I can't do nothin' bout that and then I heard some kinda gunfire so I ran to it and wouldn't ya know it was some fool tried to shoot a cop and hit a crack whore instead well he's locked up now somethin' bout drugs I heard prolly the craziest thing I ever seen just been thankin' the Lord it wasn't me thank you Lord for takin' care of those sinners thank you Jesus.

*

Coroner 1: Look at this girl's face.
Coroner 2: Yeah, it's fucked up all right. Look at all that blood. Bullet tore straight through her forehead.
Coroner 1: No, I mean, really look at her. You ever seen such a look of desparation on a face? She must've been really panicked.
Coroner 2: She's dead, man. Let's get this done.
Coroner 1: She must've been really scared.
Coroner 2: Yeah, okay, whatever, just help me get the body on the table, will you?

{for Cal's Some Kind of Chorus contest
song: Come Round Soon by Sara Bareilles - lyrics
word: 009. pathos}

Mars!

(Thanks for rating this xD)



This was excellent! I read this story once... I don't remember the name of the girl in the story, but I think it was "Lunchtime with Anne". It was based like this, where it's one way dialogue-- you only hear one voice of one character.


This was wonderfully written, Marzie. You really captured the speech mannerisms of someone who... doesn't have any manners.

You know, I love reading your work. It always surprises me-- one moment, I think I know your style, and the next thing I realize, you've introduced something brilliant and new and wonderful. Well done, Mars. Well done.


Gold star

Juniper

OMG Mars this is awesome. I’ve never read anything like this with the one sided dialogue. At first, I didn’t exactly know what was going on but then I was like “Whoa, I think I get it!”

Also, I’ve never seen dialogue written like this in just a back and forth between ones self. It had a tendency to be a little confusing at times but I think that’s because I wasn’t sure just where this was taking place. Besides that, it was awesome.

You always seem to leave such an impression on me when I read your stories Mars. Whenever I see anyone write anything as unique and interesting as this, I’m forced to try a little harder when I write and it inspires me to try something new.

Good luck on the contest.

~lilymoore

Hello Mars,

Well... to say the least you have something very interesting going on. I had never read a one sided conversation before. It's almost like your in the persons head. reminds me of a phone conversation, make the reader nosey and wanting to find out more. Although it was very amusing it was, to me slightly confusing (I read it about three times). The slang of words slowed me down a little, not use to that type of slang. To me parts seemed vaguely described, not that it is overly important but for example the setting. First I thought she got stopped on the side of the street but then...

Milk. Lotta sugar. Thanks. Aw--aw, hell, that ain't him. I thought it was, but it ain't. I'm waiting for guy, visits us round this time every day. Nice.

I guess this sets the scene at a .... diner or coffee shop...?

The next parts gave a good glimpse of street life and I liked the foreshadowing with acceptable behaviour and luck.

Yeah I was pretty near done grillin' these dogs in the back they prolly all burnt up now but I can't do nothin' bout that and then I heard some kinda gunfire so I ran to it and wouldn't ya know it was some fool tried to shoot a cop and hit a crack whore instead well he's locked up now somethin' bout drugs I heard prolly the craziest thing I ever seen just been thankin' the Lord it wasn't me thank you Lord for takin' care of those sinners thank you Jesus.

To me, one big run-on sentence. commas would even help here.

Coroner 1: Look at this girl's face.
Coroner 2: Yeah, it's fucked up all right. Look at all that blood. Bullet tore straight through her forehead.
Coroner 1: No, I mean, really look at her. You ever seen such a look of desparation on a face? She must've been really panicked.
Coroner 2: She's dead, man. Let's get this done.
Coroner 1: She must've been really scared.
Coroner 2: Yeah, okay, whatever, just help me get the body on the table, will you?

Not that it was funny, but it gave some relief to the ending. I enjoyed it, it showed how unattached people can be towards a person in today society.


I hope I have been thorough. Need any thing Just PM me! Bonne Chance!

M'kay~!

This is really, really well done. I haven't seen something done in this (I guess I should call it a style) for a long time now. Self narrative and such, I could say.

I like the diction, the placement of the words and spelling of certain words really tell me a lot about where the character comes from, what kind of people they hang around from which she would get the idiosyncrasy of her speech and syntax.

There is one thing that confused me:

Hey, wait. Naw. Put the cuffs away, lady. Okay. But you gotta be quick, 'cos King don't like his girls talking and I gotta be able to see the street 'cos I'm waiting for someone. Hey! Hey Jewell! I got to talk to this lady, I'll be right over here in this car. You holler if he comes, you hear? Make sure you holler at me if he comes.

Milk. Lotta sugar. Thanks. Aw--aw, hell, that ain't him. I thought it was, but it ain't. I'm waiting for guy, visits us round this time every day. Nice.

The jump from the "I'll be right over here in this car" to the diner(?) seems kind of sudden, and it caught me off guard the first time I read it. Perhaps there could be something added to make it smoother?

Other than that, I really like it. For me, it's hard to write in the first person (I switch POV's sometimes and have to go back and fix everything when I finally notice), so I really admire those who can do it so well.

Best of luck in that contest.

--Phanny