One stupid mistake

One stupid mistake

'I would like to meet you today,’ Joe told me on MSN. This was to be our first date.
'Where?' I typed back.
'The beach, will you meet me by the fair at sunset?’ he asked.
'See you there', I told him. I looked down at my watch it was already seven and the sun would set at half past eight. I began to rush around trying to find something to wear.

Eventually, I was fully dressed and ready to go. I left the house, then ordered a taxi, I would usually ask my dad but he couldn't know. The taxi arrived, I got in and we drove off. Before I knew it I was there, just as the sun was setting. I hurriedly paid the taxi driver and got out but I couldn't see Joe anywhere. His description was a seventeen year old boy, but the only person I could see waiting was a man who looked about forty-five. At once I realised I'd made a mistake, the one the ICT teachers kept telling me about.

Never meet up with someone you don't know.

I panicked I guess anyone would, that man was coming closer to me. I looked in my bag, I'd forgotten my mobile.

Hey, apple! I'm Tex and I'll be your waitress this evening... That can't be right.
Uh, I think the one for this is "I'll be reviewing your work". That sounds better.

Hey, apple! I'm Tex and I'll be reviewing your work. Got that done with, let's cut to the chase.

I looked down at my watch it was already seven and the sun sets at half eight.

This sentence could stand to be cut in half, and you switch tenses. Maybe something like:
"I looked down at my watch. It was already seven and the sun would set at half eight."

And what time is "Half eight?" Half til eight? Half after eight?

I left the house, then ordered a taxi, I would usually ask my dad but he can't know.

This sentence could stand to be cut in half, and you switch tenses. Maybe;
"I left the house then ordered a taxi. Usually I would ask my dad first but he couldn't know."


Typos:

'Where?'I typed back.

You need a space between ?' and I.

'The beach, will you meet me by the fair at sunset?’ he asked

You need a period at the end.

I panicked I guess anyone would, that man was coming closer to me. I looked in my bag, I'd forgotten my mobile.

Augh! Where's the rest? I got all caught up in this 203 word short, and it ends with that? I need more! More!

Hey! Texan Writer covered most of the nitpicks. Since this is so short, I'll just address a few points that bothered me...

'I would like to meet you today,’ Joe told me on MSN. This was to be our first date.

'Where?' I typed back.

'The beach, will you meet me by the fair at sunset?’ he asked.

'See you there', I told him. I looked down at my watch it was already seven and the sun would set at half past eight. I began to rush around trying to find something to wear.

This is so weird. He doesn't give her an exact location or an exact time. If I told you to meet me at the cinema at sundown, you would have a few questions. Which theatre? What exact time? Where? How much money should I bring? You wouldn't just go along with it.

This is very short. Did you have a word limit? I know this is flash fiction, but still... it moves much to quickly. It starts with no background whatsoever. There was no real feeling or emotion. Because of this, I don't really care for your main character. Does that make sense? Who is she? What is she thinking when she's typing to Joe? How did their relationship start?

On a final note: You currently haven't written any reviews. It is a bit of an etiquette rule on YWS that you should review two works of others before you post your own.

Hope this helped,
Antigone

Hey there! June here!

This is such a wee piece, I'm afraid to touch it. Nevertheless, I'll dig in.

'I would like to meet you today,’ Joe told me on MSN. This was to be our first date.

How does this character know it's a date? He doesn't say anything about a date in his message-- he simply wants to meet up. However, it's definitely possible that this character wants to go on a date with Joe and is just hoping it will be a date and stuff.

Eventually, I was fully dressed and ready to go. I left the house, then ordered a taxi, I would usually ask my dad but he couldn't know. The taxi arrived, I got in and we drove off. Before I knew it I was there, just as the sun was setting. I hurriedly paid the taxi driver and got out but I couldn't see Joe anywhere. His description was a seventeen year old boy, but the only person I could see waiting was a forty-five year old man. At once I realised I'd made a mistake, the one the ICT teachers kept telling me about.

Uh oh, trouble.


But, see, there's faulty things with this, dear. How does she know that this man is forty-five? For all we care, he could be a severely aged 20 year old man, or anything. Approximate; and make it clear that your characters are approximating.

Anyway! This is kind of an info-dump-- I think that you can spread all of this information out, adding description and more juicy stuff to this so that we get a better feel of the characters, setting-- everything. It will definitely be less confusing, feel less rushed and be more enjoyable to read.

Never meet up with someone you don't know.

I panicked I guess anyone would, that man was coming closer to me. I looked in my bag, I'd forgotten my mobile.

At this point, everything is kind of predictable, dear. Lots of stories happen like this. . . I'm wondering though, about the taxi. Couldn't she hail it again and hop back in? If they were meeting at a fair, wouldn't it be public enough for her to scream for help?


Hmm, possibilities.


I think this could be a good start-- it's a little bit flat and not too exciting for us at this point; we don't really have a good grip on who she is and stuff. I definitely think this needs more to it.

Good luck on this! And thanks for sharing =-D

Juniper

This is quite good the other guys make sense you need to focus on tenses and describsion. And wouldn't her dad want to know where she was going? But overall I enjoyed reading it. For this you deserve a pirate

I don't really read many stories about internet relationships, let alone dangerous ones, that don't end up becoming giant clichés, but I think you could pull it off. :3
I think the story could be longer. You ended on a cliffhanger, and now I want to read more!

apple96 wrote:I began to rush around trying to find something to wear.

Perhaps you could evoke some more feeling here. Is this foolish character excited, or nervous, or both?

Hope this (short) review helped.

apple96 wrote:'I would like to meet you today,’ Joe told me on MSN. This was to be our first date.
'Where?' I typed back.
'The beach, will you meet me by the fair at sunset?’ he asked.
'See you there', I told him. I looked down at my watch it was already seven and the sun would set at half past eight. I began to rush around trying to find something to wear.

Eventually, I was fully dressed and ready to go. I left the house, then ordered a taxi, I would usually ask my dad but he couldn't know. The taxi arrived, I got in and we drove off. Before I knew it I was there, just as the sun was setting. I hurriedly paid the taxi driver and got out but I couldn't see Joe anywhere. His description was a seventeen year old boy, but the only person I could see waiting was a man who looked about forty-five. At once I realised I'd made a mistake, the one the ICT teachers kept telling me about.

Never meet up with someone you don't know.

I panicked I guess anyone would, that man was coming closer to me. I looked in my bag, I'd forgotten my mobile.

Me=Kit.
Me=Review your work (I know, that was..different, but it's late, and i don't want to type if I can avoid it. It will make reviews diffucult)

Interesting peice.
It's short, yet really shows what teenage girls can get themselves into. It's storng, and it makes me shudder thinking of what happened next
Now, What is her name?
(Sorry. I hate reading things where I don't know the characters name)

Hey there, Apple. I'm here to give you a review. ^_^ We'll get straight into it.

This could be an interesting piece, with a lot of work. I'll do a few nit picks, and then I'll talk about some more general stuff you might want to look at.

'I would like to meet you today,’ Joe told me on MSN. This was to be our first date.

This sounds... awkward, especially for the internet. People don't tend to talk like this in reality, let alone type like that on MSN. And this is such a strange place to start your story. How did these two meet up? Was it on a forum? A role-playing site? Insert some details that actually give some character to these two. As it is, they don't have much personality.

I began to rush around trying to find something to wear.

Eventually, I was fully dressed and ready to go. I left the house, then ordered a taxi, I would usually ask my dad but he couldn't know.

This is such a bizarrely short piece, and here is where you could do with putting in the most padding. I want to know what the character thinks, and does. Is she nervous about meeting Joe? Is she excited? Does she go through different outfits and try to work out which one would please him? Have a think about it, and insert some things here. If you're going to place your character straight into a dangerous situation, we need to feel for her. Also, I think you have a problem with run-on sentences. Try reading out your story, and adding more periods. For example, I'd have one after
taxi," because there's nothing to connect what comes after it.

I would usually ask my dad but he couldn't know.

This is another place where you could extend things out. Perhaps you could make her have a conversation with her father? He could catch her while she's getting ready and ask where she's going. It'd be interesting to learn about the relationship she has with her father.

And that's all I'm going to point out. Your main problem here is that your piece is way too short. I just don't care about your main character. If you flesh the piece out a bit and show us more about her, we'll be more invested in this story. As it is, it's fairly forgettable. Try adding some things in, and it'll be a lot better. Even if you end it later. Maybe you were just afraid that if you posted something longer, people wouldn't read? Don't worry about that. It could easily be five times this length without any problems.

I would give you more advice, but there's not much I can do with a piece this short. Try lengthening it out a bit. If there's anything you want to ask me, feel free to PM me. I'm happy to help with any questions you might have. I'd be interested in seeing the next part once you post it, too. Good luck with your writing. ^^

-Mat

I found this a very good piece of work. Short but good. Are you going to carry this on? I reckon you
should i was just getting into it!
This is very gripping because it's true. People are in this situation all the time, and it's a good thing to write about.
Very good
Carry on please!

Born
xx