No solid title yet... Please give a title suggestion

2 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1141
Reviews 7
Hey writers! I hope you like this excerpt of my story! This book is my baby, and i hope to someday get it published. Please critique! :shock:
_____________________________________________

A few days later I went to see Mrs. Reed. I had a lot bottled up in me and it was ready to burst. I walked up to their house not too far out of town. Mrs. Reed opened the door. When she saw it was me, she understood and without a word led me to the couch. The second she sat down, all of the tears that had been hidden in my hollow shell came out. I sobbed into her shoulder for who knows how long. She rubbed my back and calmed me.
“Word’s been going around,” she said. I continued to sob.
“How long do you think?” she asked. I lifted my head.
“Can’t be too much longer,” I said. She nodded
“ I just love him so much and can’t bear to see him like this. He’s in so much pain and I can’t do anything about it. I don’t want to loose him and I can’t look at him like that, he only makes me sadder. I can’t go out in town cause I’m afraid someone’s going to ask about him and I can’t talk about it but I needed to talk to you cause it’s been bottled up too long and…” I said in one breath. I began to sob again. She rubbed my back some more.
“Oh, Grace. Poor thing. I know just how you feel. I had a hard time losing Charles as well. This curse has come upon us with vengeance and fury and will not stop at anything. But we must move on. I’m guessing it’s harder with you because David’s living it out long. I think every day about my Charles and always wish he was here and not dead,” she said. There was a noise from the steps. Mrs. Reed got up. There was sobbing and stomping.
“Jenny come back here!” she yelled. The stomping stopped.
“You never said he was dead!” said Jenny. She then slammed her door. Mrs. Reed stood on the steps for a while in a state of shock. She arrived back at the couch a few moments later.
“I’m sorry,” I began. Her face was blank.
“No, no. I’m fine,” she said. I nodded. I wiped my cheeks, burning from the tears.
“Thank you,” I said. I got up and walked out the door and Mrs. Reed didn’t do anything to stop me.

I got home and walked over to David’s bed. The doctor was here while I was at Mrs. Reed’s house. He came out before I came in. And this time, instead of his usual look, he had a look on his face that said one thing: I’m very sorry.

I rushed into the bedroom. David was ever so pale. He was burning when I held his head so much I thought my hands would burst into flames but I continued to hold him.
“Grace,” he said hoarsely, “I’m not gonna make it,”
I stared at him, my thoughts racing.
“ I can’t live without you David,” I said. He looked hurt.
“You need to live your life even though mine’s ending. I don’t want you to kill yourself because of me.” He mumbled. A sudden crack of thunder outside spooked me.
“ Do you understand?” he asked. I nodded. I leaned down and kissed him fully.
“If there’s one thing I want to tell you, it’s that I love you. I promise to never love another for as long as I will live,” I said. He smiled. His hand reached out and cradled my cheek.
“ I love you, Grace,” he said. He lowered his hand from my cheek and closed his eyes. I listened as all the air in his body came out in his last breath. I stood there for so long, staring at my angel, wondering what he would do in heaven as the slow steady rain seeped through the clouds just like the tears rolling down my face.


Mod: Edited for stretching the homepage
Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?
-Glinda




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 247
Hi! It's my absolute pleasure to help you get published, so here we go:

First, congratulations. It's difficult to tweak your reader's heartstrings in the first chapter, before we even know the characters. You pulled it off nicely. However, I'm going to fall on my knees and BEG that you'll elaborate on Grace and David's relationship in subsequent chapters. I don't know how you'll do this--conversation? Flashbacks? Dreams? It doesn't really matter, just as long as you establish the deep love between the two.

A few days later I went to see Mrs. Reed.


Interesting first sentence. I like it. It's always good to drop the reader into the thick of the action. You left me thinking, "A few days later? A few days later than what?" and I had to keep reading to find out. Good job there.

I had a lot bottled up in me and it was ready to burst. I walked up to their house not too far out of town. Mrs. Reed opened the door. When she saw it was me, she understood and without a word led me to the couch. The second she sat down, all of the tears that had been hidden in my hollow shell came out. I sobbed into her shoulder for who knows how long. She rubbed my back and calmed me.


This happens WAY too fast. Break it up into maybe four, five, or six paragraphs. The first sentence is dead weight. Instead of telling me, show me. There are several ways to do this. Describe Grace's heart rate or breath. Or how she's felt like a zombie since David got sick. Are her palms sweaty? Is her mouth dry? Believe me: this can be greatly improved with concrete detail.

Same with Mrs. Reed and her house. Describe them. Don't use exhausting detail, just some key characteristics. Is the house suburban, rural? Does Mrs. Reed have dark purple lipstick or penciled eyebrows? You get the idea.

I walked up to their house not too far out of town.


Very awkward sentence. To de-awkwardize this, break it up. Explain the walk out of town and how far it is.

“Word’s been going around,” she said. I continued to sob.
“How long do you think?” she asked. I lifted my head.


Condense Mrs. Reed's comments into one paragraph and get rid of "I continued to sob."

“Can’t be too much longer,” I said. She nodded


"She nodded" deserves its own paragraph. Bump it down a line.

“ I just love him so much and can’t bear to see him like this. He’s in so much pain and I can’t do anything about it. I don’t want to loose him and I can’t look at him like that, he only makes me sadder. I can’t go out in town cause I’m afraid someone’s going to ask about him and I can’t talk about it but I needed to talk to you cause it’s been bottled up too long and…” I said in one breath


You certainly did say this in one breath! Now, guess what I'm going to say. Yup. Break it up. Even better, cut most if it out. Grace is speaking the truth, but she's using abstract and vague words. If she's that emotional, she might get choked up and not be able to say anything.

This curse has come upon us with vengeance and fury and will not stop at anything.


This seems out of context. I feel like I'm suddenly in Puritan Boston. Is there a more modern way to say this?

There was a noise from the steps. Mrs. Reed got up. There was sobbing and stomping.


Again, this should be its own paragraph. Don't tack stuff on after ending a quote. You do this in several other places.


I got home and walked over to David’s bed. The doctor was here while I was at Mrs. Reed’s house. He came out before I came in. And this time, instead of his usual look, he had a look on his face that said one thing: I’m very sorry.


And I'll say it again: this can be broken into several paragraphs. As is, there's not enough time for me to digest what's happening.

David was ever so pale.


Now I'm in Victorian England. Modernize this, please?

He was burning when I held his head so much I thought my hands would burst into flames but I continued to hold him.


I LOVE this line. :)

A sudden crack of thunder outside spooked me


You can mention earlier that the weather is changing.

Beautiful last scene. A bit more concrete detail and you have a truly heart-wrenching piece.

Overall, amazing job! You have a fascinating story going and I'd love to see more. I hope I was moderately helpful. If you need anything else, feel free to PM me. Keep me updated on your progress!

Fang
:D
"Hey look! A black shooting star!"

"That's no star...that's Fangala!"



"Everything you can imagine is real."
— Pablo Picasso