my first story

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CHAPTER ONE


It was a cold, lonely, dark night, rain was hitting the surfaces of the surrounding houses hard, like hail, it could be heard everywhere in the large, nearly empty city of Dota, ping, ping, clack, clack, clack as the rain pounded onto the car windows and onto the dark grey cement walkways below, no living being with any kind of wits would be out in this weather, but, there was one who, never quite had all his wits about him, his name was Joshua, and he was a troubled young man, born into a city orphanage/mental ward, he was raised by the city, taught all of its secrets both good…and bad, but now, at the nice, even age of twenty, his mind was sharp and always active, and it was in this state the gruff, rough and tumble man was in when his favorite [and one of his only] friends, Franco Mallard. came up the long and winding staircase to the rooftop, where he finally found the man and he called out to him over the cracks and roars of the thunder and the flashes of the purple lightning echoing across the sky.

“Josh old boy! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!” He exclaimed quite loudly over the thundering rain as he slowly and carefully made his way to his friends side, as usual, Joshua was standing perfectly silent, looking out over the city, in his full battle armor, which makes him look very much like what a normal person would call a “ninja”, a thick steel covering of silver, his entire body, from head to toe, covered in the steel, long, thick spikes growing out from his rounded helmet, his thin, muscular thighs, and the backside of his thighs, with his armor on, he was told he could easily frighten a war-ravaged bear, slits in the armor were made only for his piercing grey eyes and his nostrils, he could allow no amount of his body to be seen, for under his armor…was hiding a terrible secret that only Mr. Mallard [playfully named “Ducky” by his colleagues] “Josh?....are you even listening to me?..” Mr. Mallard kept pestering for his attention, but the tall man was far away, his mind was focusing hard on a single point of space, many more leagues away than any normal man could see….but…Joshua, he was not a normal man.

His attention was finally focused back to the present as ducky took a steel pipe and raised it high and went to knock it against his friends helmet, surely waking him, but then, just as the pipe was only inches from his head, Joshua’s hand shot out to catch it, Ducky was flustered for as far as he could tell, his friends eyes had been closed and he had made no noise. Josh grinned underneath his mask and wrenched the pipe from his friends grasp

“Is there something you wanted to talk to me about Mr. Mallard?” Joshua whispered. His voice turned steely and cold through the filter which was the mask in his helmet. And with a massive clanging noise, the long pipe fell to the ground as he flicked it aside with more strength than his thin body would seemingly allow

Ducky nodded with a small gulp and a cough as he clears his throat “I have just finished the repairs on your battle cycle my friend.” He smiled as he told Josh the news but was quickly saddened again as he pulls his arms tighter to his body and exhaled, releasing a large puff of icy breath into the air “shouldn’t we go in? You’ll catch the pneumonia in that silly thing” he protested to his long-time companion and with a simple nod and a turning of his body, his comrade agreed and begin to walk towards the door which would lead to the stairwell, and then, the headquarters of the hideout

Ducky began as they started the long descent to the garage “are you all right my friend? You seemed to be in a bit of a trance up on the roof….is there something we should know?” his voice was soft and worried, for when his friend was away, he acted as father figure to the small group of freedom fighters that Joshua was in command of.

They consisted of, Ducky, the main technical brains of the team, as well as inmate to Joshua while he was imprisoned in the mental ward at the age of ten, claiming he had strange visions of future events [also of 9 tall men, with long black cloaks, each clutching a staff with an orb of a different color] and massive headaches, there he was performed upon, used like a lab-rat for the city’s experiments there they met, Mr. Mallard being only nine then, they quickly became friends and had even planned an escape by the ages of fifteen [Joshua] and twelve [Franco] and from then, they have always kept care of each other.

after a few years of Joshua and Franco living in silence together, fear of being re-captured forcing them to keep to the shadows and slums of Dota, they met Sivas, a young Russian girl, the age of fourteen when they had met, she had come to Dota with her father, a Russian embassy and military leader on a peace mission from his homeland, and his wife, but there was a group of people, Russian mafia terrorists, who had traced her father to the city, for he was a double agent, and, in front of her very own, eight year old eyes, he was murdered, and was her mother, ever since then, she had lived on her own, much as the two boys had, fetching scraps and stealing what little food she could find. And so, unity drove them together and there duo became a trio, with Sivas and her lithe form and soft feet, she was able to sneak into nearly any building and raid it for all it was worth. And with this talent, the three of them led a relatively good life for the years to come, living together in an abandoned warehouse of the corner of Dota’s poor sector.

It wasn’t until Joshua’s eighteenth birthday where things became difficult, during that night, during one of his random adventures through past and future, a being tapped into his consciousness, naming itself a Fahn, the Fahn invaded the young mans mind and took over his body, the flow of power caused Joshua to fall into a coma for many weeks, and when he awoke, his life had been changed forever, for now he was stronger, faster, smarter, all over better. The Fahn’s inter-dimensional powers and untraceable long life had granted his body strength that far surpassed that of a normal human of his age. It also increased his ability to see the future, allowing him to activate and deactivate it at will. This newfound power was a blessing as well as a curse, for now he could provide better for his friends, but also, he was now marked as a target by the cruel, ruthless inner-city mob family, there group named “the black hand”, for they wanted to use his powers for their own purposes.

But luckily for the trio, a new pair would soon be added to their group, the young girl Julia and her brainiac of a younger brother Jimmy, and after hearing their sad tale about how they had been into a rich family but their father was murdered by the “black hand” and their mother slipped into such a massive state of depression she eventually killed herself in front of her own son and daughter, no longer caring if she lived or died, they were soon adopted into the small “family” by Joshua, and put into service under his leadership, Julia quickly asserting herself as a motherly figure to the group and jimmy joining ducky in his vehicle maintenance, but he would soon change as need called for an I.T. specialist, a position he would happily fill.

Julia quickly became secretly infatuated with Joshua, and was by his side always, seeing him as the groups “father” and her the groups “mother”. Jimmy found his calling in I.T. equipment and was soon rigging radar units everywhere he could, trying to catch any possible glimpse of the dark hands movements that he could, it was for this need for more information that he was nick-named “sonar” by his team-mates, and he took to the name loyally, and so, this was their life until, one day…the Fahn, locked dormant within Joshua’s mind, finally decided to reveal itself and one night, while all were asleep, it over-took his body and infected all of the fellow team-mates with a Fahn, the spirits all took over their minds much like the F beta, the Fahn creature within Joshua’s mind, did. This transformation gave each of the tenants powers of their own, each was unique to their positions, Ducky became a teckno-kinetic, a being with the power to move machinery and metal with his mind.

Sivas became the world’s perfect assassin, she could change her bodies coloring, shape, and size at will, as well as her having the ability to manipulate the density of her molecular structure at her own beckoning, she also grew a perfect knowledge of every weapon ever used or created by man-kind throughout the world, she grew in height and her hair grew to be long and she would be able to control it like she would her joints, to be able to use it as a whip or a monkeys tail type appendage.

Jimmy found his auditory sense of hearing improved at a maximum of one-hundred fold, he had the unusual ability to actually zoom his vision in on a far away object, with amazing clarity and detail, he could count the scales on a snake from up to 1,200 miles away. He also discovered his sense of hearing was majorly improved, he could hear a rat chirping and crawling around at nearly the same distance as he could see it.

Sadly, it was only Julia who seemed un-affected by the Fahn’s presence, for her life continued on as normal, she never activated any of her powers and no-on questioned her on t, thinking maybe she just didn’t get infected and she would be the only one of them who would be normal.



CHAPTER TWO
Joshua’s brain was reflecting upon all of these facts for the entirety of his trip from the rooftop of the warehouse to the garage, not listening as ducky informed him on the status of some of the freedom fighters, named the “night wolves” by their leader, many vehicles they had salvaged from the abandoned car lots which dotted the city.

“Your bike is repaired like new, and I refilled the ammunition in the guns, as well as the guns in the war van” ducky noted whilst slapping his hand down hard on the hood of the old food-delivery van they used as a mobile headquarters. “I also ran a full maintenance on the others personal units, the directional gyro on Sivas’s wings needed tuning; Julia’s copter motor was weakening, so I replaced it; and last but not least, the sonar cannon wasn’t hitting the optimal decibel amount, so I tweaked it a bit.”…..he sighs ad whispers as he turned from his friend, his mind wandering to the near innocent and young band of fighters they had recruited “…what if they find us Josh…what are we going to do?...” his eyes looked cold and thoughtful as he turned to his friend for answers.

It was now that he started listening and he replied flatly, his voice soft and far away. “We will fight…..like we always do…” his voice did little to soothe his friends worrying and he slowly stepped out of the garage with nothing left to say.

Joshua decided to make a quick check-up on his team and moved from the garage and, stepping through a long dark corridor which emptied into the bright, colorfully painted [by Julia] office area which was used solely by “Sonar” and his equipment. They ranged everywhere from tiny electrical bugs the size of a grain of rice, to a massive unit in the back of the room, it was nearly as big as three soda vending machines, side-by-side, but he told no-one what it was for, he always claimed “it’s a secret project, but when its revealed, you’ll all be happy about it”.

“Good afternoon boss.” Jimmy greeted his boss with a simple bow and a warm smile. “How’s everything going?” the young man continued, he liked Joshua, respected him, looked up to him. His simple, cheery questions were met with a simple, disheartening grunt of recognition as Josh silently walked over to the young charge and, looking over his shoulder at the many computer screens that were hooked up to a massive pallet full of operating systems, they had several large sonar systems monitoring the city and its surrounding districts at all times.

“Have you found anything we can use yet jimmy?” the tall man asked, he preferred to use his birth name than the name his comrades had assigned to him.

“Not yet sir, a few small blips, but nothing out of the ordinary….and certainly nothing to suggest the involvement of the ‘Hand’..” the boy answered wile looking up at his boss, he had to admit, when he got into his armor like he was now, he was a very intimidating figure to face up against, the black metal almost concealing his entire body, and the sharp spikes that jutted from his body looked positively deadly.

“Hhhhmmmm……..oh well…that’s good work Jim…. keep at it, watch the screens, I don’t want to miss anything” Josh said as he patted jimmy’s shoulder and left the room, stepping down the hall again, but this time to move towards his bunk-room, he had a long day and was tired, and with a small yawn, he entered his room and flicked a switch, a small light came flickering on and he closed his eyes and accessed the power of the Fahn and, pressing his pointer and middle fingers to his forehead, exhaled loudly as his armor disappears in a cloud of black smoke, leaving him in a simple white cotton shirt and leather pants and he climbed into his bunk, sleep coming only a few minutes later.

“BRAAA, BRAAA, BRAAA, BRAAA…BWEEEW, BWEEEW” the alarm sounding, waking Joshua from his deep slumber and leaps from his bunk and sprints down the hallway from his quarters, his long slender legs moving in a blur of speed as he rockets down the dark corridor and, nearly skidding to a stop, appears in the communications room.

“What’d you find Jim? He exhaled in a single breath, while stepping to the young man.

“We got a category four signal off Archibald Avenue, looks like a bank robbery”

“Is it them?”

“……possibly…but everyone’s already been made ready just in case sir, were just waiting for your approval, then we can mobilize”

It was a few agonizingly long seconds until Josh gave his response. “Do it jimmy…..something’s better than nothing I suppose.”

And so, the call for action went out, ringing loudly throughout the warehouse, a loud alarm similar to the warning alarm, it was the same, just backwards, it instead played ‘BWEEEW, BWEEEW, BRAAA, BRAAA, BRAAA, BRAAA” etc.

Within seconds of the alarm sounding, everyone had their equipment stowed in the van; Josh leaped into the drivers’ seat and pounded the gas as they pulled away with a long, high screech, almost leaving half of the team behind, but they loaded up and he continued powering the van to the bank

“What can you see as far as hostiles in their Jim?” Josh asked blankly.

“Looks like three life forms inside, one small…almost feminine…one medium, another very large, probably a bodybuilder, they got heavy weapons boss, all automatic rifles.” A keyboard clack and a double click of a mouse broke his words. “Looks also like they got twelve hostages, back room, near the vault, 1000 feet from the door”

Joshua nodded and replied quietly. “Is there any reason to think that their involved?”

It was a few more clicks and the whirring of the computers hard-drive until he responded.

“Yes…in fact…I’m almost sure it IS them.”

A slight grin passed onto the captain’s face, but it was hidden by his thick plated armor, he reached up above his head and flicked a switch, and all at once, a low, monotonous humming filled the van as all of the night hawks weapons glowed and the normal green L.E.D. installed in all of the weapons turned to red to indicate maximum power and as everyone’s confused and worried eyes set upon Joshua, he simply says.

“Have no mercy, take no prisoners…the hostages go free….everyone else dies…and if you cant make the shot, give it to someone who can, none of the guilty walk free today…”
His grim, but true, words struck everyone and they all looked at each other, trying to find an answer to their bosses’ sudden darkness and frightening voice, but they knew better than to defy him and they all whispered “yes sir….we understand….”

“So then boss, what’s the plan?” ducky asked sternly, almost like magic, jimmy took this as hint to him and, with a single click and a swipe of the mouse, he brought up a large 3-d projection of the two-story building, with internal and external views, with red marks showing the hostiles, white showing the hostages.

“Alright ladies and gents, listen up ‘cause I’m only gunna to tell you this once.” He started with. “Sivas, you and jimmy take the sonic charges and tack ‘em up around the windows, here, here, here, and here.” he pointed to four points on the 3-D diagram, all immediately lit yellow to show points of interest. “Ducky, your with me, and Julia, last but not least, stay back in the van, keep cover and watch us, wait until I give the signal then come in for clean up, you know what to do.”

Everyone gave a quick nod and the van screeched to a stop and Josh jumped out of the van and sprinted to the side of the building with ducky following him in hot pursuit, the two of them sprinted across the street to the side of the building and when they reached it, the jumped up and began to scale the tall bank structure. There travel was completely silent until the slight tinkle of broken glass broke the silence as Josh broke the window into the bank and perched himself on a large steel catwalk, ducky followed him in quickly, checking to be sure no-one knew of their presence. The noise startled the robbers but, after a quick check, they deemed it safe and returned to their work, loading up more duffel bags of cash into the van they had parked inside of the bank’s lobby.
“All right, we only got one shot at this, so sound off with your position.” Whispered Joshua into the radio system built into his body, the speaker made a part of his ear and the microphone surgically implanted into his voice box, not wanting to alert the robbers to their presence.
“Were all set here boss” it was jimmies’ voice that broke the radio crackle first, followed by the small whirring of the charges loading and the beeping as they become ready to fire. It was Sivas’s voice that could be heard next, her thick Russian accent breaking the silence, sounding extremely contrasted to jimmies soft one.
“Sir, are you sure we should be doing this?” she began “the charges could harm the innocent peoples inside, perhaps we should make a more subtle plan…?” it was many minutes before anything was heard and she asked again “sir….?” Everyone knew her argument was pointless, for Josh was not the sort of person to change a plan once it was made, but no-one bothered to remind her of that, as they all stayed quiet.
“Julia? Are you there? Julia report in.” josh barked softly into the microphone as the robbers moved faster.
She gave a curt nod and whispered into the microphone. “Yes Joshua, I’m here.” She stayed inside of the van, watching everyone’s vital signs, being fed from their bio-suits to the medical equipment in the van, josh’s was the only not being recorded, for no-one had thought to, he could take care of himself easily enough.
Josh replied with a swift nod and looked to ducky. “And you old friend? Are you ready to do this?” ducky replied with a grim nod and whispered. “Always ready my boy.”
Josh smiled from under his dark mask and looked back at the robbers, his smile faded quickly as he saw them get ready to leave, he saw the woman leave the room then re-enter just as the large man packed the last load of cash into the van and he cursed. “God-damn…”
Ducky instantly, hearing his captains exclamation, whipped around and looked out over the landing just as he saw josh leap over the edge of the catwalk, heading for the ground below, the last thing ducky saw of his commander was what looked like a long black tail sprouting from his backside and he gave a loud sigh and gave the command for jimmy to pull the trigger on the charges…




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Hello there. I am Kyllorac, and I'll be reviewing you today.

I'm not sure if you're aware, but there is a rule that you must review two other stories before you can post your own. Just review two people, and you'll be all set. :D

That said, your story needs a lot of work. You really need to learn how to punctuate properly. Periods are used at the end of a complete thought. Commas are used to show pauses within a sentence. Every time you have a new person speaking/acting, you start a new paragraph. Basically, what I am saying is that you should review the rules of grammar. I honestly could not read beyond the first paragraph because the lack of proper punctuation/paragraphing was driving me insane.

From what I did read, I can say that I liked how you incorporated onomatopoeia (words which represent sounds) into your writing. Just a suggestion, but italicizing them might be a good idea to make them stand out just a little bit more.
Secretly a Kyllorac, sometimes a Murtle.
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All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times; but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly, till they take root in our personal experience.
— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe