Teen Team

Teen Team

1
Sam gazed up the long hill on Main Street, and cocked her head to one side. She was straining to identify a troubling noise. The fourteen-year-old ghost girl was all known to tune in to environments. She could walk in a room and instantly identify the mood of each person. But, being half ghost as well as human she possessed supernatural gifts. She could fly, disappear, and even control other people’s bodies.
At that moment, Sam’s ears were focused on a figure a mile away. The girl was dressed in a full body suit and leather gloves. She was about to practice for the soapbox match coming up. It was clear from Sam’s face that something was wrong.
“Something strange is going on!” she called out to her companion, a dark-haired girl named Karla. She lifted the strong binoculars to her eyes to get a better view.
Karla, the team’s enchantress, snatched the binoculars from Sam.
“We have to get up there”.
She pointed toward the top of the hill, where their friend Val was sitting in her sleek new pink soap box. She’d rolled it to the top several minutes earlier. Now she was rocking it back and forth to get ready. It was the sound of that motion that caught Sam’s attention.
“What is it?” asked Karla.
“Nothing,” said Sam “but Val’s soapbox is making weird noises”.
“Like what?”
“It’s to faint for you to hear, but it sounds like….like….” Sam paused.
“Like what?” Karla persisted.
“Like sizzling bacon. You know like pop rocks?”
“You’re kidding!” laughed Karla. “Are you picking up Macdonald’s breakfast menu?”
“I’m serious, Kay,” said Sam. “I think her wheels are over heating. I should fly over and stop her.”
Karla quieted down. “Wheels don’t just over heat.”
Sam shrugged. “I know it sounds silly but something sounds funny.”
“It’s a new box. They all sound funny until broken in. Besides you know she hates it when you tell her what to do. She’s a vampire. She can take care of herself.”
Kay was right. Val would never forgive her if she interrupted her first test drive just because of a suspicious noise. Val was a serious athlete. When she wasn’t practicing spells or chilling with friends, she liked nothing better than to go down a steep hill. Although she was only thirteen, she loved acting grown.


Suddenly, Sam realized that the strange noise had ceased. She stared through the binoculars. Val was ready to roll. She was sitting very still. Sunlight glinted off the hard plastic visor of her helmet. Seconds passed. Then the soap box squealed and sped down hill.
“Awesome!” cried Karla. “She’s off to a perfect start.”
“I don’t think so,” Sam noted worriedly. As soon as Val had pushed off, the noise returned-only this time it was louder.
Sam tracked Val as she ZOOMED down the hill. She had shifted into a racing posture to lower her wind resistance.
Then it happened.
As Val entered the first curve, her soap box began to wobble. She went skidding down the street. She somehow managed to steer.
Sam flung the binoculars to the ground. “TEEN TEAM, GO!” she shouted. “Val’s wheels are overheating and we have to reach her before they go, POP!”
Sam rose off the ground. “I’ll fly up and grab it from behind,” she shouted. “You try and find a spell to help us.”
Karla pulled a small book form her jeans. “Okay.”
Sam was streaking through the air. She flew up beside Val and shouted, “Use your powers.”
Val nodded and tried to turn into mist. But strangely she couldn’t. “My powers, they aren’t working!”
“What!” Sam replied.
Karla raised her hands above her head and chanted:

When I count to three,
That box will freeze.
One…two….three…
Freeze!

Her hands glowed purple and shot beams of energy at the box. Suddenly, the soap box froze. LITERALLY! It was rock solid. But Val managed to get out.
“Thanks Kay”, she said taking off her helmet.
“Why didn’t you use your powers?” asked Sam.
“I couldn’t”, sighed Sam. “I think there gone.”
2
The day after Val’s breakdown, Sam called an emergency meeting. Val lived next door, and Karla’s house was down the block.
After everybody arrived, Sam pulled out her lab top. “We all know what happened yesterday, right?”
No one responded.
“So lets Google it”, Sam suggested.
Karla laughed, “Google soap box gone wild?”
“No!” Sam yelled. “Val has lost her powers and there’s no Teen Team with our vampire.”
“I looked through some books at my house and found nothing”, Val sighed. “I’m going to be a normal kid for the rest of my life!” Sam shouted.
“Found what?” Karla asked.
“The reason to Val’s misplaced powers. It says here that vampires lose their powers due to something called an Eclipse.”
That very word made Val tremble.
“What’s an Eclipse?” Karla asked.
“An eclipse to humans is when the moon covers the sun”, Val explained. “But an eclipse to vampires is frightening. If the rays hit you, you turn into a bat…for life.”
Karla and Sam were speechless. The thought of having a bat friend scared them.
“Val, will you tell us the history the Eclipse?” asked Sam.
Val cleared her throat and nodded.

3
In the time before time, when vampires roamed the earth in vast multitudes. A coven of vampires were exiled from the rest. They were exiled because they weren’t like all the rest. They desired blood and lots of it! To be accepted again the vampires visited a witch.
They gave her many gifts in return they asked to be blood free. The witch granted there wishes, but gave them some disappointing news. The witch told them that an Eclipse would occur. And if any vampires are hit by the rays they would be cursed, forever.
The vampires didn’t tell anyone about the eclipse. They wanted to be the last vampires. The eclipse came around and no one knew about it. And the coven, who first learned about it, forgot it.
In a result of this, the coven was cursed forever. They were transformed into bats, forever. It’s said that only the power of 3 can reverse the witches spell.
4
After telling the story, everyone was speechless.
“This was caused by a witch,” Karla stated “it can be reversed by a witch, right?”
Val smiled. “It’s worth a try”.
Karla snapped her fingers. A magic wand appeared out of thin air. She grabbed it and began chanting:

Power of light,
Defeat the dark.
Make the Eclipse
Never happen, again.

The tip of her wand glowed, but nothing happened. She tapped the wand over and over. The wands tip dimmed then stopped.
“I don’t know what’s going on!”
“Wait!” Sam shouted. “The power of three, what does that mean?”
“Three witches, magical beings”, Karla answered. “The power of three is a saying for the three magical beings to unite as one”.
“That’s it!” Val shouted. “The story says only the power of three can reverse the witches spell?”
“Yeah, but I’m the only witch on the team”, said Karla. “What are we going to do?”
Val scratched her head.
“Can you find any more witches?”
“No. Most of them do dark magic.”
“Well, can we use the power of three?” asked Val pointing at Karla, Sam, and then herself.
“I really don’t know. I know that magic comes from with-in.”
“That’s it!” shouted Sam. “We are three best friends. We have the power!”
“You’re right.” Karla agreed. “I’m a witch! If I cast a spell while holding hands with you two the spell would have the power of three! But, I don’t have any spells for reversing things.”
“Then I guess we will have to make one up.” said Sam grabbing a notebook.


5
The girls had written several spells, but none were effective.
Until, Val came up with a great one. It went:

Star light, star bright
Let no evil lose my sight.
Make this spell reverse the curse
So that I can rule again.

Karla loved it. “You should really consider doing this for a living.”
Sam valued it. “Now we can reverse the curse and make everything better.
That night, the girls camped out at Sam’s. Around 9:00 everyone had gone asleep. It was the perfect time to cast a spell.
The girls all sat on Sam’s bedroom floor, Indian style.
“Are you ready my sisters?” Karla asked.
They nodded and joined hands.
“This is our only chance. Let’s make it a good one.”
The girls closed there eyes and began chanting:

Star light, star bright
Let no evil lose my sight.
Make this spell reverse the curse
So that I can rule again.


They chanted it several times. Then suddenly, there was an explosion of light. It consumed each of the girls. When it dimmed, the girls were shocked.
Val was in some type of magic shield.
“What is that?” asked Sam.
“It’s a magi-shield”, Karla explained. “It’s a bubble of pure magic that lets nothing in, or nothing out. Well until popped.”
“I can’t live in a bubble!” Val shouted. “I have a life to live.”
“It’s okay. I’ll just cast a spell to make the bubble invisible”.

Bubble troubles on the double make that shield invisible.

The shield slowly faded.
“So; now what?” asked Val.



6
Two days later the eclipse arrived. The moon covered the sun and made total darkness. Everyone was outside, except for Val.
“It’s beautiful out there”, Karla said closing the blinds.
“I wish I could see”, Val sighed. “But I don’t want to be a bat.”
Suddenly, there was a cry for help.
Karla opened Sam’s bedroom window and leaned out of it. Wulf, a half wolf half human boy, was causing trouble. He was using his increased strength to flip cars over.
Karla looked back at Sam and asked, “TEEN TEAM GO?”
Sam nodded.
Karla sprung out of the window. She chanted her number one spell:

EXPLOSIONESS!

Her palms glowed purple, and shot rays of energy at Wulf.
Sam jumped out of the window behind her. She flew over to where Wulf was. She disappeared and flung rocks at him.
In return, he flung a bolder at her. It landed right on top of her. But she phased through it.
Karla was throwing spells back to back at Wulf. But none seemed to stop him.
Then, there was a loud, BOOM!
The girls turned around to find Val. She was still in the bubble but you could tell she was ready to fight. She started to roll, and rolled right over Wulf. But he didn’t stay down. He jumped up and started to pound the bubble.


7
Wulf hit, slammed, and bounced the bubble.
“Stop it!” Val shouted.
Then the shield…..broke.
It turned into a mist. Val shouted and karate kicked Wulf. He fell to the ground.
The rays hit Val. Her eyes glowed green and she levitated off of the ground.
In fear Wulf ran.
“What’s going on?” Karla asked Sam.
“I really don’t know. I think the spell didn’t work. Val’s cursed!”
Abruptly, the sky blazed green. When it fainted there stood Val. Sam and Karla ran over and checked on her.
“Are you okay?” Karla asked.
Sam nodded.
What in the world just happened, Sam thought?
“I don’t know what just happened; Sam”, Val replied.
Sam went quiet. “I didn’t say that. I thought it and you heard it?”
Val smiled. “Those rays, they gave me a new power.”
“Do you still have the old ones?” asked Sam.
Val turned into a cloud of mist and then started to fly. “They’re all here.”
“I want a new power too”, Karla sighed.
“No you need a box of soap. You’re a bit musty.”
“Wait the soap box race!” Val shouted. “I have to get ready. See you guys later.”

So, first, the positives. On the one hand, you are good at not going into info dump mode. My style of writing tends to blithely ignore the anti-info-dump age we currently inhabit, but you manage to keep a lot of plates spinning without lapsing into an info-dump. Nicely done.

The idea of a justice league of vampires, ghosts and witches is pretty cool. Be careful with the Teen Team thing, though. I'm guessing you were inspired by Teen Titans (a fun show). To make it your own, you might want to get away from the whole comic-book-style of writing (BOOM in capital letters is not really going to work in literature). I would recommend slowing down a bit and describing things a little more closely. Also, watch for simple grammatical errors (often you put an end-quotation mark before the comma like so ", when it should be ,").

A few of your sentences don't make a whole lot of sense, no offense. I think there are some simple mistypings: The fourteen-year-old ghost girl was all known to tune in to environments. This sentence is a bit confusing, for example. I would recommend rereading carefully and looking for these kinds of mistakes; they're not a big deal, but they make reading a lot easier.

Keep working on this, and good luck.

It would seem you put a lot of information into a couple of chapters or how ever you split it up. In 2 the sentences aren't making any sense for example

“I looked through some books at my house and found nothing”, Val sighed. “I’m going to be a normal kid for the rest of my life!” Sam shouted.

I really don't understand who is saying this. I thought Sam was the ghost, and I thought Val was the one losing her powers. So, you might want to look this over.

Also, it sounds like the power of three sounds like your getting from the show Charmed. So, you should be cafe on where you getting your things from.

Sam gazed up the long hill on Main Street, and cocked her head to one side. She was straining to identify a troubling noise.

Now, I really like this sentence. It's discreet, yet descriptive, and it has loose imagery that lets the readers imagination wander. It's a wonderful way to start a story.

The fourteen-year-old ghost girl was all known to tune in to environments.

No. We don't need to know her age - it's not relevant. And I don't even understand this. What ghost girl? What is she doing? This sentence doesn't even make sense. Now, is Sam the ghost girl, or is the source of the troubling noise the ghost girl? You have to let us know she is, in fact, a ghost girl before you describe her as such. Think about this for a moment - what characteristics do ghosts have? What characteristics does Samantha have? Does she have transparent skin? Are her eyes any sort of strange, abnormal color? Is her voice, her appearance, is anything about her ghastly?

So Sam cocks her head to one side, straining to identify the troubling noise. Maybe she could gently take off her glasses and squint at the night sky, and lightly press down on the ground and hover for a couple moments. Say that, instead of what you say in this next paragraph.

She could walk in a room and instantly identify the mood of each person. But, being half ghost as well as human she possessed supernatural gifts. She could fly, disappear, and even control other people’s bodies.

You know what? That's awesome. That's amazing that she can do that. Unfortunately, all I see now is a bunch of cliche words describing a super-random girl and her abilities that every teenage author writes about. Don't tell us she can fly, disappear, and control other people's bodies. That's so boring - why should we care? Think about it this way: You're watching a television show, right? And a guy walks out and starts talking, "This is about a girl who can read minds." And some random girl walks up to him. "She can also fly and disappear." The girl waves. "She is also a ghost." The girl grins. It's like, yeah, that's great, but how come she isn't doing anything? Why should we care that she can do these things if we haven't seen them in action first?

It's always more exciting to infer things and figure them out, rather than somebody telling you straight up what's going on. That's why riddles are popular. Show us her reading somebody's mind, or disappearing, or flying. You telling me that she can do all those things doesn't do anything for me. If I weren't critiquing this, I wouldn't have read this.

At that moment, Sam’s ears were focused on a figure a mile away.

I like this sentence! It's showing, not telling. You don't simply say, "A person was far away and Sam noticed them." You tell us that she can hear things from a distance, and there is in fact something in the distance that is important.

The girl was dressed in a full body suit and leather gloves. She was about to practice for the soapbox match coming up. It was clear from Sam’s face that something was wrong.

Okay, what girl? Sam, or some other girl? And you say it's clear from Sam's face that something is wrong - so is Sam the girl, or is she just thinking about some other girl where something is going wrong? And what's a soapbox match? Why do you automatically assume we know this? You have to make characters identities clear, and not talk about one character one sentence, and talk about an unnamed one the next. You say, "the girl." What girl? Sam's a girl, so we assume it's her, although it's not the case. Be careful when using pronouns and nouns to describe characters. Be specific when need be. Nobody minds if you use Sam's name a lot of times in the beginning.

“Something strange is going on!” she called out to her companion, a dark-haired girl named Karla. She lifted the strong binoculars to her eyes to get a better view.

I don't think you could get more info-dumpy than that. Just say, "called out to her companion" and leave it. Describe Karla later.

Karla, the team’s enchantress, snatched the binoculars from Sam.

I always liked the verb "snatch," it gives nice imagery. But you're being very info-dumpy. You're just like, "Yeah, she's the team's enchantress." Wtf is an enchantress? What does she do? Before you even mention she has any super-duper magic powers, show us she has them first. Like I said before, your words mean nothing if you don't have actions to back them up. Right now these girls are all talk and no walk.

“We have to get up there”.

Who said this? Karla? If she says something, attach it to the action she just did, which was snatching the binoculars away. And the period is inside the quotations - although it wouldn't be a period, it would be a comma.

Karla, the team’s enchantress, snatched the binoculars from Sam. “We have to get up there," she said.

She pointed toward the top of the hill, where their friend Val was sitting in her sleek new pink soap box. She’d rolled it to the top several minutes earlier. Now she was rocking it back and forth to get ready. It was the sound of that motion that caught Sam’s attention.

What in the world is a soap box? The only thing that comes to mind is a box full of soap. And this paragraph should be attached to the sentence above it. Other than that, this paragraph is fine.

“What is it?” asked Karla.

What's what? Is she referring to Sam's attention on the box full of soap, or is she talking about the box full of soap itself? Because i certainly don't know what it is. I'm in the same boat as you, Karla.

“Nothing,” said Sam “but Val’s soapbox is making weird noises”.

Yeah, see, period goes inside. "... making weird noises."

“Like what?”

You should add a tag to this. Karla's said two things thus far - I don't know how she speaks, how she moves, or what she does while she speaks. Was Karla fingering her long, purple dress (or whatever she wears) or playing with her brown curls? Is she kicking the dirt, or are her eyes firmly on Sam?

“It’s to faint for you to hear, but it sounds like….like….” Sam paused.

You should just put in one "like" there, but if you insist on having two, try not to have more than three periods. In fact, you should have periods at all. “It’s to faint for you to hear, but it sounds like... like," Sam paused. You said, "Sam paused." If she were trailing off, use the periods. But no sound is coming out of her mouth, so it's just a comma. Comma comma comma.

“Like what?” Karla persisted.

Here's a good little boy. Now we know how she's saying it - from the verb you used we can tell she's eager to know what Sam is keeping from her, or whatever. Good job, buddy.

“Like sizzling bacon. You know like pop rocks?”

You killed your story, like right here. Are you serious with this? Are these kids seven? Be freaking serious, "It sounds like somethings melting, like a sizzling, popping sound." It's not the best thing you could say, but it's better than comparing this apparently dangerous sound to candy.

“

You’re kidding!” laughed Karla. “Are you picking up Macdonald’s breakfast menu?”

Do something with this. This is just stupid. I don't even understand it. This is serious - have Karla be serious. "A popping sound? What's happening?" Keep the dialogue realistic.

“I’m serious, Kay,” said Sam. “I think her wheels are over heating. I should fly over and stop her.”

Yeah, gawd Kay.
Haha. Fly over and stop her. What are they, birds? I hate it when characters can fly. It's just so cliche and annoying.

Karla quieted down. “Wheels don’t just over heat.”

Yeah well, sometimes they do honey. You can freaking fly - wheels can overheat. And overheat is one word, by the way.

Sam shrugged. “I know it sounds silly but something sounds funny.”

It does not sound silly! If it sounds potentially dangerous, she shouldn't be doubting herself like this. Karla is being an asshole, and you should change your dialogue around. They don't even sound worried about her,

"Oh, I think I hear something like bacon sizzling. I think it's her wheels."
"I don't think it's her wheels."
"Well, maybe it's not, but..."

Would you really, actually say this in a conversation? "Well, yeah, it sounds realistic." Yeah, no, it doesn't. Your characters are such pushovers. If Sam can fly, she should be over there right now trying to discover what's popping or whatever.

“It’s a new box. They all sound funny until broken in. Besides you know she hates it when you tell her what to do. She’s a vampire. She can take care of herself.”

I wonder if you've heard of a comma. It's a wonderful thing, let me tell you.

“It’s a new box; they all sound funny until broken in. Besides, you know she hates it when you tell her what to do. She’s a vampire, she can take care of herself.”

Periods aren't the only form of punctuation. I know you know that, but just keep it in mind.

Kay was right. Val would never forgive her if she interrupted her first test drive just because of a suspicious noise. Val was a serious athlete. When she wasn’t practicing spells or chilling with friends, she liked nothing better than to go down a steep hill. Although she was only thirteen, she loved acting grown.

Acting grown, huh? And you totally info-dumped us again. Why don't you show us what happens when you bother Val? Show us how she gets irritated, how young she looks whens he gets angry and tries to act mature. Don't ramble on like then. "When she wasn't practicing spells or chilling with friends..." Are you serious with that?

Suddenly, Sam realized that the strange noise had ceased. She stared through the binoculars. Val was ready to roll. She was sitting very still. Sunlight glinted off the hard plastic visor of her helmet. Seconds passed. Then the soap box squealed and sped down hill.

I still don't know what she's doing or where she is. I was only messing with you before, I know a soapbox is a car. But some people don't. And like I said, where is she? What kind of hill is this? Grassy? Smooth? Steel-plated?

“Awesome!” cried Karla. “She’s off to a perfect start.”

Whoo.

“I don’t think so,” Sam noted worriedly. As soon as Val had pushed off, the noise returned-only this time it was louder.

I like this. The only thing that's wrong is that you put a dash between returned and only like it was some kind of compound noun. "... had pushed off, the noise returned - only this time it was louder." Although, you should replace it with a comma. The dash it sort of awkward. You pause in that sentence - when you pause, you use a comma. A dash is like a colon, (:) except less formal.

Sam tracked Val as she ZOOMED down the hill. She had shifted into a racing posture to lower her wind resistance.

Ew, don't capitalize things. You're not four. And that verb is terrible anyway. "Sped," "raced," "jolted," and so on. It's called a thesaurus. Go use one. And what is this "racing posture?" Is she leaning forward? Backwards? Up straight? To the side? Hands up? Finger in her nose? Waving her hands in the air like she just don't care? Gotta tell us.

Then it happened.

Oh gosh. Suspense. Wonderful :]

As Val entered the first curve, her soap box began to wobble. She went skidding down the street. She somehow managed to steer.

Kay - one, what curve? This hill curves now? And so she's not supposed to go into the street? Does it have some set trail? And two, your sentences are so choppy! Fix it like this:

She went skidding down the street, but she somehow managed to steer.

Sam flung the binoculars to the ground. “TEEN TEAM, GO!” she shouted. “Val’s wheels are overheating and we have to reach her before they go, POP!”

Lol, ew. It's just her and Karla, there is no "team." And seriously, stop capitalizing things. What is this, "POP?" Reach her before they go pop? And they're so panicky - just go and do it. Don't plan it out and waste time yammering away. Just go and help her, stop yelling idiotic things like "TEEN TEAM, GO!"

Sam rose off the ground. “I’ll fly up and grab it from behind,” she shouted. “You try and find a spell to help us.”

She was sitting? What? Since when? And dude, she's just rolling down a street in some car. All she has to do is run behind her and slow he down. Or better yet, Val could just use the brakes.

Karla pulled a small book form her jeans. “Okay.”

Good job Karla. She doesn't nod or anything? She's just like, "Kay?"

Sam was streaking through the air. She flew up beside Val and shouted, “Use your powers.”

Use her powers? Use her powers for what? And Sam seems to know quite a bit - shouldn't she know any specific spells that should be used for... whatever it is they're trying to do?

Val nodded and tried to turn into mist. But strangely she couldn’t. “My powers, they aren’t working!”

She tried to what? Turn into mist?

“What!” Sam replied.

Lol, you don't reply with "What!" She yelled, obviously, or panicked, or did something. You know, tags can be actions. "What!" Sam glanced at Val in panic.

Karla raised her hands above her head and chanted:

When I count to three,

That box will freeze.

One…two….three…

Freeze!

If she's chanting, shouldn't it be in quotations? In my opinion you shouldn't write out the chants at all - they're just corny. Just be like, "Karla started to chant quietly."

Her hands glowed purple and shot beams of energy at the box. Suddenly, the soap box froze. LITERALLY! It was rock solid. But Val managed to get out.

Yeah, we got it. It literally froze. That tends to happen when you say, "it froze." And rock solid? With ice? Now, is it covered in ice, or did it just stop in it's tracks?

“Thanks Kay”, she said taking off her helmet.

Comma inside the quotes, please and thank you. And add a comma after said. "she said, taking off her helmet."

“Why didn’t you use your powers?” asked Sam.

“I couldn’t”, sighed Sam. “I think there gone.”

Who sighed what now? I thought Val's powers were gone. And didn't she already say, "They aren't working?"

The day after Val’s breakdown, Sam called an emergency meeting. Val lived next door, and Karla’s house was down the block.

Okay, you have to explain. Do these kids live in suburbia, or what? Are they little teenage schoolmates, childhood friends?

After everybody arrived, Sam pulled out her lab top. “We all know what happened yesterday, right?”

After everybody arrived? I wasn't aware nobody was there yet. And it's "laptop." Lab top? Do you live in a box? You should just be like, "After Val's breakdown, Sam called an emergency meeting. She pulled out her laptop and turned to her friends, "We all know what happened yesterday, right?" One nice, quick sentence, You have way too many paragraphs.

No one responded.

“So lets Google it”, Sam suggested.

"After nobody responded, Sam suggested they google it." Which is really weird, unless having supernatural powers is the norm for whatever world they're in. Shouldn't they look up what's wrong in their super-magical book of stuffs? Karla has a book, doesn't she? That shouldn't be the only one they have.

Karla laughed, “Google soap box gone wild?”

The thing just went off a trail. It's not like it went crazy and started attacking things. It did exactly what a car should have done.

“No!” Sam yelled. “Val has lost her powers and there’s no Teen Team with our vampire.”

Lol. Do you realize how stupid Teen Team sounds? They shouldn't have to name their super-group or whatever. And you should really go into depth about this vampire thing. So one's a ghost, one's an enchantress, and one's a vampire. You have to elaborate.

“I looked through some books at my house and found nothing”, Val sighed. “I’m going to be a normal kid for the rest of my life!” Sam shouted.

Comma. Inside.
The quotes.
And so Val sighed and Sam shouted something? In the same sentence? Do you have your characters straight? Also, from what I've seen, Val seems unfazed about what happened. It seems like it was a near-death experience, but she hasn't said anything about it.

“Found what?” Karla asked.

“The reason to Val’s misplaced powers. It says here that vampires lose their powers due to something called an Eclipse.”

It says where? What the hell did she google to make that come up? And who said this? Val or Sam? You seem to have them confused.

That very word made Val tremble.

Well then obviously she knew about it beforehand. Why didn't she say anything?

“What’s an Eclipse?” Karla asked.

“An eclipse to humans is when the moon covers the sun”, Val explained. “But an eclipse to vampires is frightening. If the rays hit you, you turn into a bat…for life.”

Oh no.
COMMA INSIDE!
Geez.
And eclipses aren't that rare. Shouldn't she be a bat already?

Karla and Sam were speechless. The thought of having a bat friend scared them.

Speechless? Shouldn't they be suggesting ways to prevent it instead, or asking her questions?

“Val, will you tell us the history the Eclipse?” asked Sam.

Lol, what? What history? It's something that's always been around, nobody freaking invented it.

Val cleared her throat and nodded.

Yeah see, when she clears her throat, that indicated that she's going to talk. In the next section, I don't see any quotations or any indication that she's speaking, do you? I thought not.

In the time before time,

In the what before what? There was no time before time. It's just time. A long time ago. In a galaxy far far away. Just go and say that.

when vampires roamed the earth in vast multitudes. A coven of vampires were exiled from the rest.

You know, I like this, and how it's worded, but just replace that period with a comma.

They were exiled because they weren’t like all the rest.

Yeah, I could sort of tell when you said the same exact thing in the last sentence.

They desired blood and lots of it! To be accepted again the vampires visited a witch.

Yeah, they're vampires. They tend to want blood. And this is worded like a mentally disabled bunny wrote it. Before you even get into what they did to be accepted again, tell us why it was bad to "desire blood and lots of it!" And a side note: You should never, ever use exclamation points in third person. Ever.

They gave her many gifts in return they asked to be blood free.

They gave her many gifts, and in return, they asked to be blood free. Which isn't good. Shouldn't it be like, "So they wouldn't crave blood anymore?" ... Even though they're vampires...

The witch granted there wishes,

their.

but gave them some disappointing news. The witch told them that an Eclipse would occur. And if any vampires are hit by the rays they would be cursed, forever.

... Eclipse would occur, and if any vampires are hit... And you don't need to capitalize eclipse.

The vampires didn’t tell anyone about the eclipse. They wanted to be the last vampires. The eclipse came around and no one knew about it. And the coven, who first learned about it, forgot it.

Okay, hold on. So there was another coven of vampires, and they just conveniently forgot this insanely important, life-threatening thing that happened to pass by?

In a result of this, the coven was cursed forever. They were transformed into bats, forever. It’s said that only the power of 3 can reverse the witches spell.

You've said forever like 12 times. And it's not like you're trying to put emphasis on it, since they can be turned back. So it's not forever, now is it?

After telling the story, everyone was speechless.

Two people. Two people were speechless. And go look back - you said they were speechless right before she started the story, too. Way to come up with new adjectives.

“This was caused by a witch,” Karla stated “SO it can be reversed by a witch, right?”

Yeah, you need a "so" there.

Val smiled. “It’s worth a try”.

Inside the quotations, inside.

Karla snapped her fingers. A magic wand appeared out of thin air. She grabbed it and began chanting:

what

Power of light,

Defeat the dark.

Make the Eclipse

Never happen, again.

The tip of her wand glowed, but nothing happened. She tapped the wand over and over. The wands tip dimmed then stopped.

...

“I don’t know what’s going on!”

There's three people. Tell us who said this.

“Wait!” Sam shouted. “The power of three, what does that mean?”

Power of what now? Three? When did somebody say this?

“Three witches, magical beings”, Karla answered. “The power of three is a saying for the three magical beings to unite as one”.

I'm not even going to mention the comma. And I still don't recall anybody saying, "power of three."

“That’s it!” Val shouted. “The story says only the power of three can reverse the witches spell?”

“Yeah, but I’m the only witch on the team”, said Karla. “What are we going to do?”

Val scratched her head.

“Can you find any more witches?”

“No. Most of them do dark magic.”

Just because they do dark magic doesn't mean she can't use them. And god, when Val scratches her head, you put her dialogue next to it. Why do you space everything?

“Well, can we use the power of three?” asked Val pointing at Karla, Sam, and then herself.

Wait. I thought Val knew all about the eclipse. Why is Karla suddenly the expert?

“I really don’t know. I know that magic comes from with-in.”

Within is one word.

“That’s it!” shouted Sam. “We are three best friends. We have the power!”

You have the power because you're three best friends? Is this disney channel?

“You’re right.” Karla agreed. “I’m a witch! If I cast a spell while holding hands with you two the spell would have the power of three! But, I don’t have any spells for reversing things.”

What does reversing have to do with anything?

“Then I guess we will have to make one up.” said Sam grabbing a notebook.

Comma after Sam.

The girls had written several spells, but none were effective.

Sucks for them.

Until, Val came up with a great one. It went:

Star light, star bright

Let no evil lose my sight.

Make this spell reverse the curse

So that I can rule again.

You know, spells shouldn't be based on rhyming - they should be based on the intention and the magical power of the being. If poetry were the case for all spells, then all wizards would have to be annoying poets, now wouldn't they?

Karla loved it. “You should really consider doing this for a living.”

It's a cute poem, I agree.

Sam valued it. “Now we can reverse the curse and make everything better.

"And make everything better." God...

That night, the girls camped out at Sam’s. Around 9:00 everyone had gone asleep. It was the perfect time to cast a spell.

What? Who went to sleep? Do their parents know they're wizards or whatever? What are they hiding, and who are they hiding it from? And who goes to sleep at 9:00!?

The girls all sat on Sam’s bedroom floor, Indian style.

Just.. write that they sat on the floor.

“Are you ready my sisters?” Karla asked.

Comma, "Are you ready, my sisters?" And why is she referring to them like that?

They nodded and joined hands.

“This is our only chance. Let’s make it a good one.”

Why is it their only chance? What's preventing them from trying again?

The girls closed there eyes and began chanting:

Star light, star bright

Let no evil lose my sight.

Make this spell reverse the curse

So that I can rule again.

Yeah, you told me the spell. I got it, thanks.

They chanted it several times. Then suddenly, there was an explosion of light. It consumed each of the girls. When it dimmed, the girls were shocked.

The girls, the girls.

Val was in some type of magic shield.

Care to describe the magic shield?

“What is that?” asked Sam.

“It’s a magi-shield”, Karla explained. “It’s a bubble of pure magic that lets nothing in, or nothing out. Well until popped.”

What. Does it look like? And how did this spell make it happen? And how does Karla know all this?

“I can’t live in a bubble!” Val shouted. “I have a life to live.”

Lol.

“It’s okay. I’ll just cast a spell to make the bubble invisible”.

Inside the quotations. "... the bubble invisible."

Bubble troubles on the double make that shield invisible.

This is totally random. Did anybody say this?

The shield slowly faded.

“So; now what?” asked Val.

Any reason for the semi-colon?

6

Two days later the eclipse arrived. The moon covered the sun and made total darkness. Everyone was outside, except for Val.

Wow. What? So do these eclipses happen all the time?

“It’s beautiful out there”, Karla said closing the blinds.

She's closing the blinds from outside the house?

“I wish I could see”, Val sighed. “But I don’t want to be a bat.”

Why can't she look out the window?

Suddenly, there was a cry for help.

Karla opened Sam’s bedroom window and leaned out of it. Wulf, a half wolf half human boy, was causing trouble. He was using his increased strength to flip cars over.

What? You're introducing a totally new character right now? You give us his name, so either they already know him, or he's got an large name tag. If neither of these is true, say, "Some kind of werewolf was flipping cars over." That's it.

Karla looked back at Sam and asked, “TEEN TEAM GO?”

I don't think you understand how stupid that looks.

Sam nodded.

Karla sprung out of the window. She chanted her number one spell:

EXPLOSIONESS!

That's not even a word!

Her palms glowed purple, and shot rays of energy at Wulf.

You don't even bother to tell us what shade of purple, or how the bolts of energy look as they're being shot, or what they do to Wulf when he gets hit. Is he injured? Does he ignore them?

Sam jumped out of the window behind her. She flew over to where Wulf was. She disappeared and flung rocks at him.

Where did these rocks come from? Are they randomly appearing boulders, or pebbles she found on the ground?

In return, he flung a bolder at her. It landed right on top of her. But she phased through it.

Where did this boulder come from?

Karla was throwing spells back to back at Wulf. But none seemed to stop him.

What kind of spells?

Then, there was a loud, BOOM!

God.. Boom? Really?

The girls turned around to find Val. She was still in the bubble but you could tell she was ready to fight. She started to roll, and rolled right over Wulf. But he didn’t stay down. He jumped up and started to pound the bubble.

She started to roll? What? And I don't understand this scenario at all. You have to clear this up.

Wulf hit, slammed, and bounced the bubble.

“Stop it!” Val shouted.

Then the shield…..broke.

What idiot shouts at somebody to stop it, when they know fully well that he's not going to stop? And how did it break? Did it shatter? Did it pop? Did it just disintegrate?

It turned into a mist. Val shouted and karate kicked Wulf. He fell to the ground.

So it turned into a mist, huh? And so she gets out of the bubble and is then able to fight him. So Sam couldn't kick him and do the same thing, only Val was powerful enough to hit him. I see.

The rays hit Val. Her eyes glowed green and she levitated off of the ground.

What rays? From the eclipse?

In fear Wulf ran.

“What’s going on?” Karla asked Sam.

How would she know? You're the expert on everything.

“I really don’t know. I think the spell didn’t work. Val’s cursed!”

Oh no. Whatever shall we do.

Abruptly, the sky blazed green. When it fainted there stood Val. Sam and Karla ran over and checked on her.

They checked on her? Is she sick? Is she a lost child? And the sky doesn't faint, it fades. If the sky fainted, we'd all be dead.

“Are you okay?” Karla asked.

Sam nodded.

Why the hell is Sam nodding? Nothing happened to her.

What in the world just happened, Sam thought?

This isn't a question, and nobody is asking it.

“I don’t know what just happened; Sam”, Val replied.

Why the semi-colon? And what did she just respond to?

Sam went quiet. “I didn’t say that. I thought it and you heard it?”

Maybe we could have inferred that if you knew how to punctuate things.

Val smiled. “Those rays, they gave me a new power.”

“Do you still have the old ones?” asked Sam.

How... would she know. It just happened.

Val turned into a cloud of mist and then started to fly. “They’re all here.”

What the hell? She turned into a cloud of mist? How does somebody do that?

“I want a new power too”, Karla sighed.

“No you need a box of soap. You’re a bit musty.”

I wish I knew how said that. That was funny.

“Wait the soap box race!” Val shouted. “I have to get ready. See you guys later.”

... So all this happens, and she goes to compete in a race?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

SAM, KARLA and VAL

Not one of these girls has any distinguishing personality traits, so I'm going to mesh them all together. You yourself couldn't even tell the difference between Val and Sam, because you kept mixing their names up. There was no character development, the dialogue was incredibly fake, and they all sounded the same. And they're all idiots. First off, if this curse is from "the time before time," it's pretty old. Nobody should be able to just get a notebook, write down a spell and fix it. And they ask the stupidest questions to one another, and they're always asking, "What happened? What happened?" And what's irritating is they always know the answer. You allow no mystery - the entire story is just these guys talking to one another and answering questions.

PLOT

What plot? This is what I have so far - Valerie was in a soapbox car, and she rolled down the hill. Her friends, for some reason, panicked, and tried to save her. Valerie loses her powers. Valerie explains the eclipse, although it's Karla who seems to know everything. They write down various spells, and use one that puts some random shield that you didn't bother to describe over Valerie. Then some werewolf guy the seemed to have known, that was totally random, irrelevant and unnecessary, attacks the town and manages to find boulders, that just happen to be lying around, and throws them at the girls. I personally am not fond of any kind of story that has super powers and witches and vampires and everything, especially when you just say they're vampires and witches, and don't even back it up with anything. Pretty much what these girls did is just walk up to the reader, said, "I can fly," or "I can do this and that," and mention that they're a vampire. No history. No specifics. You're just throwing names of supernatural beings around.

DIALOGUE

It sucked, and you know it. First off, the grammar for the dialogue; you kept doing this:

"Yeah so like so and so did this and that",

When it should be,

"Yeah, so like, so and so did that and that,"

And most of your dialogue was just asking, "What happened? What's this? What's that? I don't agree with you. But I do. Let's help. TEEN TEAM GO!" And it was all, "she said, she replied, she asked." There was barely any, "She cried, she yelled, she persisted." None of it was realistic. It's like you wrote it and didn't even bother to read it over. What you have to do it read it out loud to yourself, and see if actual people would say that. Listen in on real conversations, and how they talk. You'll notice that different people speak different. Some people have lisps. Some people say "like," at the end of every sentence. Some people have tempers. Some people are quiet. Some people are loud, and some people are obnoxious. I didn't notice any of these traits in your characters.

GRAMMAR

You don't know how to use commas or period or semi colons or dashes. I won't go into it though, because I explained most of it already.

OVERALL

You need to work on your character development, and your story line. What you need is a detailed outline that you can follow as you write. Write down individual character profiles for Valerie, Samantha and Karla, and maybe write little short stories with just them in it, so you can get to know them better. Right now it's just the same person separated into three different people. And your story - the wolf kid was totally random, I didn't even understand where he came from or what he was about. You need a solid conflict, and you need a solid story line. Write down bullets of what happens, and make sure to write down lots of background information. Writing as you go can also be well and good, but in your case I would suggest you outline this chapter before you start over. Oh yeah - also, scrap this. Don't keep it. There isn't really anything you can use. You should keep it to read over, but what you write should be fresh and new and nothing like this.

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, feel free to PM me. I hope I helped :]

Thanks alot for helping me. You gave me a great review. I promise to work on everything you told me. And i want you to review my next story coming soon..... Teen Team book 2: paranormal.

First off; I'm a bit disappointed with whoever it was that said "It sucked." In perspective, some writers can purposely make mistakes in order to variate certain elements of a topic. All said though; I didn't even read the whole story, so who am I to Judge?
In the beginning of the story, I at first had no idea what the soap box part meant. Can a soap box really do that? (I better keep it hidden behind the toothbrush counter if that ever happens.)
As it turns out; a soap box refers to a car. aha!! So the truth comes out. Fortunate for you; Isn't it?
(In what way could it have been unfortunate?)