Heartless pt.2

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"Well, hm, lets see."He rubbed his chin as if in deep thought. I just leaned forward, waiting patiently for the story to start."I will tell you that story, but first I think we should, ya know, get out of the rain."A deep frown made creases in my forehead. He chuckled and ran a finger across them. His touch sent fireworks through my body. "Now, now, please don't be discouraged. You'll put wrinkles in you're pretty little face." He laughed and got up from the bench. "We can go to my apartment to dry off," a pause," I think I have a t-shirt you can borrow somewhere." Demetri grabbed my hand and pulled me to, I'm guessing, his car.
"Um, Demetri, I don't think..." We stopped suddenly which cut me off. The look in his eyes was somewhat amused, but in the same way kinda hurt. It made me want to hug him and apologize for whatever made him look that way.
"Now, don't tell me that you think I'm going to try anything with you," he smiled," Because, my dear, that would make me a pedophile, and I do not believe pedophiles spend their mornings crying in the rain." I laughed a half-crazy, half-terrified laugh which made him chuckle. As we walked I tried really hard to listen closely to the, forever soothing, sound of the rain, but all I could hear was, well, him!
His footsteps, his smooth, but jagged breathing from crying, everything! I couldn't help but think why such a perfect man like this would be crying? Who would make him feel this way, who could be so...
"Uh, Summer," he waved his hand in front of my face, the movement brought me back to reality," Summer, darling? Hello?" The rain pelted my face as i looked, dreamily, up at Demetri. He wore a hard look of concern, and confusion.
"I...I must have been daydreaming again. I'm sorry," I looked around," Why did we stop." I glanced at my hand, which was suddenly burning.
"I stopped because you stopped, are you okay?" He squeezed my hand tighter which made it burn even more.
"Uh, ouch, ye.." He pulled me up into his arms. The movement was way to quick for me to try and, i don't know, take cover.
"Are you okay?!" He scanned my whole body; when he came upon my hands he pulled away quickly and put his in his pocket. "Lets go." He stomped away mumbling something to his self, I thought about listening closely to what he said, but figured that would be unfair. He walked with his head down, his hands in his pockets, and mumbling to his self the whole way. The only choice I had was to follow him around like a little duckling.
The unexpected beep of his car, I glanced around Demetri's side, well, his Charger, made me jump. He moved to the driver's side roboticly, not seeming to notice exactly what he was doing. I moved forward, but hesitated at the door. I searched the deepest corners of my mind for My Voice. I couldn't find it. No warning, no screaming, nothing yelling "Run Away!", so I climbed in the passenger side. I turned my head slightly to look at Demetri without being to conspicuous. His jaw was clenched tight, his hands were abusing the steering wheel, his knuckles bone white.
"Uh..Demetri, are you okay, because you look kinda stress..."
"I'M FINE!!" His sudden outburst made me jump up 3 feet, a terribly girlie yelp escaped my mouth, and my whole body twitched towards the handle on the door. My movements melted his face back to how he looked before the whole 'hand on fire' incident happened.
"I'm sorry! I'm...," his words were chocked off and I could tell he was on the verge of tears," I can't get anything right." He whispered the message silently, but I, guiltily, heard every word. I wanted to reach out and comfort him. Don't cry my angel.
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Hello! :)

It’s me, XYZinnia! I just pick out a few things I saw, mostly nit-picks. So, with out further a due:

It made me want to hug him and apologize for whatever made him look that way.

Shouldn’t she know that she made him look like that? I think she would want to slap herself instead of give him a hug. :)

The rain pelted my face as I looked, dreamily, up at Demetri.

:wink:

I looked around," Why did we stop?"

That’s a question, I believe.

"Uh, ouch, ye.."

I think a dash might be more appropriate to this, since she’s being cut off. She was going to say “Yeah”, right? I kinda got confused for a second when she said “Ye”. Also, when people are in pain, they say “Ouch” before “Uh”.

The movement was way too quick for me to try and, I don't know, take cover.

:)

The unexpected beep of his car, I glanced around Demetri's side, well, his Charger, made me jump.

I don’t get this sentence. I think you might word it differently.


So, you did much better with the punctuation with this one than on you last. Bravo! :) This part confused me a little, so I’m waiting for the next chapter to come out.

Good job!
-Y




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Hello me again, told you i would review this part.

Anyway, very good! but i felt that it was kind of all a bit

sudden with Summer and Demetri, but i liked it and there was


a couple of mistakes i saw so go back through and read it aloud to yourself.


I really want to know about why her hand was burning, it's just also interesting


I hope you can write more!!


I liked the way you described, the way she yelped and then her whole, body moved

Towards the door, i liked the part very describtive on how she felt.

Can't wait to know what happens

Borntoshop
:D



Thomas Edison's last words were "It's very beautiful over there.” I don't know where there is, but I believe it's somewhere, and I hope it's beautiful.
— John Green, Looking for Alaska