Total re-work of 'One Last Chance'

Callie
Sometimes it's all so fast, the events unfolding before you in such a horribly unexpected way. This was one of those times. A boy lay on the floor of his bedroom, a used syringe beside him, his parents weeping over his still unmoving person, the paramedics trying to revive him with all the newest and most high-tech machinery known to humanity, then giving up, sealing the decision with one slow, sombre shake of their heads. Anyone looking through the vast window into the spacious blue bedroom, with a pine bed at the wall completed with attractive oak furniture and small stylish television with a games console attracted, and the books that stood on the wooden shelf. What they would not have seen was the boy, identical to the one on the floor standing in the open doorway, staring at the scene in front of him with such surprising apathy painted on his attractive face, framed by shaggy sandy hair, finished with piercing, contemplative eyes the colour of the open sky. Nor would they have seen the red-haired woman that stood beside him, looking at the same scene with dramatic green eyes.
He seemed to sense my presence, because he began to speak.

‘So. I finally did it, then.’ He laughed without humour.
‘Yeah. You did, Lukas…’
‘Well, I knew it would happen anyway, so I guess…’
‘Why, Lukas? Why the hell would you do this? Why? You’re what- seventeen? You don’t even know what life is yet, and you go throwing it away!’
‘Well, who wants a crazy son? Or a crazy friend? I made some crappy choices, got sick and then-‘
‘Got sick? Oh, right, so you just gave up?’
‘Gave up? What the hell? What kind of life would I have led? I have HIV, for crying out loud! And I’m seventeen!’
‘Yeah, so you were sick, but times are different now. No cure, but major support- you would have given support to lots of-‘
‘Wait. You know what my life would have been?’
‘Well, not exactly what it would have been. I mean, we all have free choice, but, yeah, I know roughly.’
‘Tell me! Please!’
‘Well, you would have opened a clinic, for HIV sufferers, but I guess not anymore.’
Through the apathy, I could see the emotion seeping through on his face.
‘Lukas, I’m sorry. I really am. I know I’ve been harsh, but…in my years as…me, it’s hard to do this sort of thing. I mean, you’re a child, for crying out loud!’
‘So, you really do exist then? And no scythe? Or black cloak?’
Pretty much.’ I laughed slightly. ‘That story is so stupid…black cloak? Oooh, and me being a guy? Yeah right.’
‘So, have you always been Death?’
‘No. For about twenty years, I have been. It doesn’t seem like that long, though.’
‘How did you get the job? I mean, I guess it wasn’t a recruitment newspaper.’
I laughed at his joke. ‘No. I-er my soul just seemed right for the job or something when I died. I was given the chance to go back and help people with Leprosy, who were suffering and then I was sort of given the job. Is that really weird for you?'
'Not really.'
‘Cool. Because I’m about to…ask you to do the same.’
‘Be Death?’
‘No! Not quite. I need you to go back and do something so you can see the true beauty of your life and spiritually grow. Please do this.’
‘Well, what would I have to do, exactly?’
‘I want you to go and help people with AIDS. In New York City, on the streets. Will you do it? Please?’
‘I guess…yeah. It kinda makes up for the killing myself stuff, doesn’t it?’
‘Exactly!’
I took Lukas’ hand then and led him away, to (as cliche as it may seem) to a light portal, where I transported him to New York. The street was horrible. Litter lined the footpath where maybe five people slept, some lucky enough to find the shelter of a doorway for a guard against the rain. Lukas looked at me with a slightly fearful, questioning look.
‘This is the place, and you’ll lead meetings inside the building behind us.’
Behind us stood a small church hall with a small red door.
‘The meeting is here every morning, and I want you to live among these people. Please. Show them the beauty of life. Most of these people won’t even see next year, so please help. I know you can do it, Lukas.’

With that, I left Lukas alone in the darkness of the New York night.

Okay, hello. =] This is looking a little lonely, so I'll give it some company.

still unmoving person

Both these adjectives mean the same thing; you could down from six syllables to one, with more effect, by just saying, "corpse".

Anyone looking through the vast window into the spacious blue bedroom, with a pine bed at the wall completed with attractive oak furniture and small stylish television with a games console attracted, and the books that stood on the wooden shelf.

This is a long sentence that doesn't even make sense, if you read it. The thing is, I like the descriptions and they fit, but this is where I think you're wasting description space. Readers wants actions, dialogue, movement, and so a big clump like this gets annoying.

I found that I could follow the dialogue about to come, as there were only two people, but it was difficult to begin with. Use some speech tags, which you seem to be entirely lacking. Just a couple of "said"s should do the trick to indicate who's saying what, but also describe the emotions and what people look like, and also their reactions so we're not left with talking heads, which come across as very annoying indeed.

surprising apathy painted on his attractive face,

You're using too many adjectives. The "attractive" isn't necessary. It clogs up space and breaks the rhythm.

dramatic green eyes.

Again, what's the point of "dramatic"? It doesn't add any other image in my mind and I'm wondering why it's there at all. In fact, why is the woman there? She's not referenced at all later on. As I reread it, I thought maybe she was the main character, but then I thought not because she's talked about in third person. Some speech tags would, again, make this clearer and a little clarification as to her being there would also be useful.

Pretty much.’

Missing a speech mark at the start, there.

to (as cliche as it may seem) to a light portal

Remove the second "to". Also get rid of the brackets. It's unnecessary, as it's acknowledging that that's how it is. It already feels believable, so I wouldn't worry. Or you could just think up an original route.

Okays! So, having read that, I think I liked that story quite a lot. It all just seemed to work so well. Other than what I've already said, I've just a got a few ideas:

Descriptions--This is the kind of story where we really need to know what the setting is so that the theme will fit in, but not necessarily the main character. Death is a mysterious character who I think fits in well, but like I said, I get confused as to who he is. Don't be afraid to try different approaches when you're describing things, too. A few metaphors and similes would make the characters more relateable to us, and trimming down on the adjectives helps to iron out some bulk you might have.

Dialogue--Other than the speech tag issue, it worked well. Sometimes I felt that the boy was too passive, accepting things that would otherwise be entirely absurd to the human mind, but no, it worked well. I think if he questioned things some more and his emotions supported them, then I would be very convinced. One last thing would be maybe differentiate the voices of Death and the boy, as I can imagine they wouldn't be so similar.

Theme--Loved the idea! You also threw an interesting spin on it, which worked well. A small back story might be good, but as it stands, I have little else to offer.

I hope I've helped! PM me with any questions!

Best
Blinky