Gardening

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CBF! <3 Oh, everyone else has claimed your affection through life-ling devotion or words that fall with the grace and harmony of a sweet song, but! I shall sweep you away and woo you with my ever-helpful critiques and insightful input!



Oh, yes. Brace thyself.

she could wear shirts without pants and show off her tanned legs

This sounds...slightly strange? At first I read 'shirts' as 'skirts', but that made very little sense. So I went back and now I'm squinting at the computer screen, wondering if she means a really looong T-shirt, or a bathing suit, or what? I think this needs to be better described because, otherwise, your readers can't get a clear image of this character.

as she held the watering can above the row of peas. The water danced from the can in droplets that blinded as they fell, white, molten spheres of a sun-water hybrid. The waterer was surprised they didn't evaporate as soon as they left the white plastic holes at the end of the watering can's neck,

As much as I'm enjoying this description, it's being hampered by the repetition of water-- see all the bolded? Some of the imagery and description loses its effectiveness because your flow is being chopped in pieces every time you repeat that word. I know it's kind of necessary, but some tweaking is in order, methinks.

Neibe was sure she'd have to use it to water itself after the garden was taken care of.

I think you meant, "Neibe was sure she'd have to use the water for herself after the garden was taken care of." Yes? Because using the reflexive pronoun for the water isn't necessary since she's still talking about the same object, and that doesn't change. The object on the recieving end is what changes.

Though it was long, she was still certain that her purple swimsuit bottoms could be seen when she crouched. She did not want this man to see her swimsuit bottoms.

Ummm. So. xD Scratch nit-pick number one, then! Thanks for the clarification.

“A pie in this weather? Aren't you scared she'll cook herself to death?” He laughed then and Neibe gasped.

He raped her in the heat, surrounded by dance music.

You have no idea how long I stared at this.

Okay, so. We get that this man is probably sinister-- everything about the situation hints towards that. But I find this way too jarring, way too sudden. Nothing before this implies that anything of this magnitude is going to happen, and I think the readers need something-- anything --else to prepare them for this. Describe him lurching forwards, maybe. You say she gasps after his laugh? Why would she gasp? That gasp seems out of place unless you back it up with some action and description-- you can show his approach, closer and closer, the watercan falling out of her hand and hitting the ground with a *thud*. You can explain how his laugh is shrill as the violins in the dance music (if there are violins-- I knwo nothing of Latin music) or as coarse and staccato as the maracas. Just explore those few seconds before the rape a little bit more.

Also, his dialogue there about the pie and her mother cooking? It seems out of place. 'Cook herself to death'. You mention the heat, so does that means she's overheat? The way it's phrased seems like she'll accidentally bake herself into the pie and die that way! Which is, surely, not what you meant. I'd suggest toying with that line a bit, maybe adding some more of that darkly foreshadowing tone into it so that the readers start to really suspect something.

Otherwise, I liked this. I think the narration was a bit detatched, a bit unconnected-- almost, coincidentally, as if English wasn't the author's native language. If that was intentional, I'm not sure, but you might want to consider adding some more imagery. You have that imagery in the first paragraph, with the sun-water hybrid, but then that emotion0filled, descriptive tone kind of leaves the story, and it becomes all action and dialogue. So that little bit of imagery seems out of place; you might want to incorporate some more of that throughout the piece, to stay a bit more consitant with the style you begin the story in-- we always want to finish what we've started, yes?

Love ya, CBF. Good luck in the contest!

~Evi

Bonjour Han-chan!

Wow, it seems like you're on the roll with Cal's contest. I've only just recently started working on my second piece. But anyways, on to the review. Sorry if I repeat anything Evi says.

After the watered the tendrils of the tomato plant, however, the hose felt like a giant vine.

I'm thinking you mean she.

As tango after mambo after rhumba played, Neibe gathered the strength to pull her purple swimsuit bottoms back on, knowing they'd be stained red. It didn't matter that the man had thrown the matching top in the tree – she didn't want it anymore.

I like this sentence.

Okay, the verdict. This was really good and I thought that your word choices were great but I didn't really feel for this character. Maybe show a little bit more emotion, when this strange man advanced towards her, you know? Did her eyes widen, did her heart beat erratically? Did he touch her, did he whisper something in her ear, that made her feel fear?

There is so many emotions you can show and you don't need to make a big paragraph from it but in my opinion, I feel that it would make this piece stronger.

Great job and keep writing,

~Angel

Aye aye aye, chica. <3

She did not want this man to see her swimsuit bottoms.

I don't know the song but thinking about hubris, I feel like...Neibe should have more of it, if that makes sense? I mean, of course she doesn't want this man to rape her, but, while finding him hideous, she could be sort of proud of herself in her swimsuit bottoms and wondering if he thinks she's attractive. As she loves her legs. Isn't that the whole point, you know, of wearing no pants in the first place? So someone would see her legs?

Just a thought.

“Of course. She's right inside,” said Neibe,

I think I'd like this better 'said' was replaced with 'lied.' Because she is lying, isn't she? Sometimes it's good to clue the reader in a little bit, especially since, as Evi said, the 'he raped her' is pretty sudden.

I actually like the suddenness, though. I always think it's good when something can jerk me like that "wait, what?" but like in a good way, if that makes sense. Alarm. Yeah. 'S good.

xxx

iloveyou.

-Mars

Love --

Definately shocking. And well-written as always. I'm still kind of at a loss for words, for multiple reasons.

Let's address the writing first. I think you captured the scene wonderfully, but I couldn't help wanting a little more grit and realism. I would've liked you to describe the garden plants a little more in depth, and maybe focus on the heat of the day and how the music was itchy and tinny and spicy. I want you to describe the state of the house, the yard, the neighborhood. Was it a poor latino neighborhood? I don't see this scene occuring in some middle class suburbia. And I want to know a little bit -- a teensy bit more about her age. I'm seeing a girl between the ages of seven and twelve. Dunno if I'm right.

He raped her in the heat

How sudden of you. I had to toy with this particular course of action for a while. I wasn't quite sure if I liked how blunt and detatched this was. But it kind of matched the scene, made things more powerful, shocking, mindless, and it added a very particular atmosphere to the whole piece -- one which I think should be justified with a little more grit and dirt in the description. I want the garden plants and the little girl to stand out as pure things in the midst of a lot of dirtiness at the beginning. I see a lot of really top-notch symbolism coming from this image that could occur if you contrasted things more (PM me about this if you don't see what I'm getting at). Then again, I like bleaker writing. So that may be just me.

lingering on the “l” with a sleepy, lustful tongue.

I do not like this foreshadowing. It stood out to begin with, and now it's just festering. It's too purple. It feels a lot like my desperate incorporation of the word "lecherous". It's a fun word, but...bleh. One of the biggest faults of this story (which is a very good thing) was that word.

Aren't you scared she'll cook herself to death

Meh. This line strikes me as contrived. It's as if you were grasping for something sinister this guy could say about a woman making a pie. It was awkward, deflated the whole scene. I don't really have any replacement advice, but I'd advise cutting this line out with your revisions.

Anyway. Good job. A nice flash fiction piece. I totally wasn't expecting it.

-Kylan