Rosie.

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Walking along the freeway is a tad demoralizing. Hundreds of cars pass by in the amount of time it takes you to walk a hundred yards. Eyes peer from every single one watching you trudge along the sidewalk, sizing you up to exactly as you appear, a loser without a car.
The day, I remember it well. June eleventh, the sun was particularly hot that day, beating down like marbles on a sidewalk, but what else can you expect, this is Florida., land of the beach bimbo and Jimmy Buffet songs.
I’m Theo Hasting, the guy with everything he could ever want, and the guy who threw it away, as my always nurturing father tells me. Apparently I screwed up my bright future to achieve the status of a burger flipping bastard. He’s always had a way with words.
I veer right and head towards the bridge spanning over the smiling blue waters of the bay. Huge skyscraping condominium complexes rise up from either side, at this time of year, the only people occupying them are at least over sixty. The Midwesterners all running scared from the depleted ozone layer of the southern Florida summer.
At least up here there’s a few groups of fishermen scattered around, leaning over the concrete barrier, willing the fish to bite their lines. As I pass, I call out above the pounding of the streetcars, “Any luck?”
Several tanned, leathery faces turn my way. A jolly looking, fifty something man chuckles, “Not today, son. They already know my old tricks.” His eyes sparkle in between the folds of coarse skin.
“Have a good one,” I say, and continue with my vagrant stroll, not in any hurry to get home to my father’s hyper productive absence.
My soothing African ringtone goes off in my pocket, pulling me into the uncertain world of phone calls.. The caller ID reads ‘Mom’ in an unforgiving Times New Roman font.
“Hi, Teddy,” she says in my ear. Her voice is chirping, excited, “I have good news.”
The way she says this grips my heart in a steely panic that I can’t shake. “What?”
“I got you a job!” I can sense the smile in her voice as vividly as I can sense the dread filling my gut.
“What job?” I ask, trading carefully through the mom minefield.
“Well, you know my friend, Cindy Wyland? She’s the one who runs that doggie grooming service on Terrace Street. I told her about your little dilemma, and she said they always need help there and she’d be happy to hire you. You know she used to babysit you when you were only two?” she barely comes up for air through the whole speech.
Dog grooming? Dog grooming? Is this what I have been reduced to? I’ll be Theo the dog groomer? I choose not to go to college, and suddenly Cindy Wyland thinks I’m dog grooming material? “Mom,” I start, but she cuts me off.
“Oh Teddy, I know it’s not glamorous and noble like you wanted but it won’t be forever. Soon, you can get right back on track when a new school year starts.”
“Mom, I don’t want to go to school. I want to be out helping people, not stuck here, cutting some freaking mutt’s toenails. I do not think I’m cut out for dog grooming.” I’m getting to worked up, I know.
“You’ll be helping dogs, and if you’re going to be moving out soon, you’ll need the money.” Nothing fazes this woman.
“Mom, I really cannot deal with this right now.” I say as the acute sting of an oncoming headache buzzes in my ear.
“Teddy, you need to call Cindy today because she wants you to come in tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?” I repeat dumbly, like a parrot.
She sighs, “Yes tomorrow. It’s never too early to start getting a good pay. I will text you her number in a minute,” she pauses, “Bye Teddy, I love you.” She says before clicking off.
I sit down on the barrier, completely immersed in thoughts of myself walking through the doors of the dog grooming place on Terrace dressed in an itchy polyester polo and khaki pants.
I set my phone a careful distance away; afraid of anyone who might call next looking for a bank teller or a sewage cleaner.
Horrible pounding questions hassle my head as I sit there. I do need money; I do want to move out. But dog grooming?
Like a bat out of hell, something hits me from the front with such force that I fall. I fall over the side of the barrier and into the merciless hands of gravity, falling the ten feet from the bridge to the bay, the air cupping my face while I careen downward. A second before I hit the water I realize I’m not alone, a lone figure of a girl falls silently beside me, her curly dark hair floating gracefully above her. She disappears as the icy water swallows me up.

I surface choking and gasping for air. My eyes look around wildly, as I try to grasp exactly what had happened in the last three seconds. The girl had broken the surface too, she was fluidly treading water while a moderate group of people look down on us from the bridge laughing and yelling things to her.
“Yeah Tommy, you keep on laughing. You’re just glad I needed the two hundred bucks.” She yells.
It all hits me then. “Oh my God!” I scream against my will, “What the hell just happened?!”
She turns to me, her eyes the color of Hershey kisses, “What?”
My body is on full out freak out mode. “Are you flipping insane?! These are ocean waters! There are sharks in here!” Shaking, I don’t even wait for her answer; I just start swimming as fast as I possibly can to the shore.
In a matter of seconds I see her gliding effortlessly next to me, her sun browned hands teasing the currents as they propel her forward. She’s in front of me before I even have time to blink. I try to catch up with her, but I don’t get the chance before she’s pulling herself up onto the bank, wringing out her hair.
When I finally make it and plop myself on the grassy waterline I’m panting like mad, even though I only swam about twenty feet. I can feel her eyes on me as I’m dripping with saltwater, but I can’t find the words to say anything. Luckily she beats me to it.
“You’re a slow swimmer,” She says matter-of-factly, squeezing the ends of her tee shirt until the excess water streams from the fabric. Across the front is the bold logo of Greenpeace.
“Where did you get that shirt?” I ask quickly, not even realizing that I’d decided to speak. I’ve wanted to join Greenpeace since I was in diapers.
She looks down at it, the water makes wrinkles across her stomach. “My sister gave it to me. She works with them.”
I can almost detect a twinge of sarcasm in her voice, an edge of bitterness.
She stands there and I don’t know what to say. I feel like a fourth grader, alone for the first time with a girl he has a crush on.
“I’m Ambrosia.” She started, “Call me Rosie though, unless you can handle Ambrosia.”
Rosie. I like it, it suits her. Ambrosia is too much.
She holds her hand down to me and I clasp it before she hoists me up. Our hands are still together when I speak.
“I’m Theo. Theodore for long, or Teddy, but only if you’re my mom.”
She smiles, drops my hand, and turns to hike back up the hill to the bridge. I follow, my gait slow while my shoes slosh in the grass, each filled to the brim with saltwater.
They were waiting for her. Seven guys by my count, all burly with short-cropped haircuts and tight fitting tee shirts.
“Rosieee! That was sick!” says one of them, coming forward. He looks shockingly like Rosie, he has to be her brother.
“Put me down Tommy!” she squeals as he picks her up like she weighs nothing at all. Tommy smiles as her feet return to earth, then he pushes her into two others in his posse. I feel awkward standing there in my soaked clothing dripping onto the concrete as more and more cars pass by every second.
But it’s not long before the feeling’s gone. A guy in a green shirt punches me lightly on the arm. “No harm done fella, right?” he asks with jocularity, “We like to have a little fun now and then.”
I exhale then smile at him, “Nah, no harm done. It was pretty refreshing.” I look around for Rosie, but I don’t see her past the horizon of toned arms and six packs.
Tommy then puts an arm around my shoulder. “You see we knew Rosie needed money, so we bet her,” his voice climbs lower, “My sister’s never been one to forgo a challenge, ain’t that right boys?” He looks out to them. They answer with a chorus of positive affirmations.
“Alright, let the man breathe,” Says Rosie, coming through the crowd. Her chime-like voice fills me with relief. She faces me, but the top of her head only comes up to my nose. “Navy seals in training. They’re hard to manage sometimes.” Her Hershey kiss eyes squint playfully. “Get out of here muscle heads,” she shoos them with a few flicks of her hand.
“Oh! Here’s your phone,” she says handing it to me face down. “You left it on the ledge there.”
I accept it. “Thanks.” I don’t know what else to say.
Rosie turns to join the group with her brother and the other navy seals. I won’t see her again.
After she’s taken about two steps she turns back to me and says quietly, “Don’t settle for dog grooming Theo. Helping people is much more important.” And like that she’s back in her own world again, and I’m in mine, like nothing ever happened.
I sigh and start walking again, the sun already starting to dry the little beads of water that dapple my skin and clothes.
I turn my cell phone over in my hand and press a button to alight the front screen absent-mindedly. A sequence of numbers appears on the screen instead of my preset background. Rosie’s? I turn to look behind me at the group again. Rosie’s small, heart-shaped face is looking at me with a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. I know then, that the number’s hers.
Last edited by silverSUNLIGHTx on Thu May 28, 2009 7:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.
--->Don't forget we've got unfinished business. Stories yet to unfold, tales that must be retold.
-Alex Gaskarth




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All in all, this was a pretty good story. You do well at describing people, both physically and emotionally, with a few words. Be careful though, since that's somewhat of a double-edged sword. It doesn't hurt to expand on descriptions so long as they increase the understanding of the character. As for the plot of the story itself, I can't really complain. You get the story and the background out there, and you wrap it all up pretty well at the end. Overall, a pretty strong piece.
The only difference between stupidity and bravery is the success rate. So let's go do something incredibly stupid and hope it works.




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Hello!
This story definitely grabbed my attention. You're good at describing the characters and the story. I didn't find anything wrong with your grammar or spelling and etc.

Please continue, and please PM me when you write the next chapter!
Great work! :)




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Hi, silver :) I'll comment as I read, alrighty?

Walking along the freeway is a tad demoralizing. Maybe impact would be better if you scrapped 'a tad'? Hundreds of cars pass by in the amount of time it takes you to walk a hundred yards. Eyes peer from every single one watching you trudge along the sidewalk, sizing you up to exactly as you appear, colon a loser without a car. I like this opening paragraph. First I found it a little irrelevant but I've come to like it as it works in giving us a good idea of the MC's personality, thoughts.

The day, I remember it well. Maybe: That day - I remember it well. June eleventh if you're going to write it that way, maybe include the 'the'?, the sun was particularly hot that day, beating down like marbles on a sidewalk that's a great simile, but what else [s]can[/s] could you expect? This [s]is[/s] was Florida. Land of the beach bimbo and Jimmy Buffet songs incomplete sentence; try to attach to the one before it in some way. Or you can take a leaf out of E. Annie Proulx's book and keep it that way. Kind of depends on the style of sentences you'll maintain throughout.. New paragraph and scrap the 'and' And I’m Theo Hasting, the guy with everything he could ever want, and the guy who threw it away, as I’m told by my always nurturing father, new sentence I screwed up my bright future to achieve the status of a burger flipping bastard. [s]He’s[/s] My father has always had a way with words.

I veer right and head towards the bridge spanning over the smiling blue waters of the bay. Huge skyscraping condominium complexes rise up from either side, at this time of year, the only people occupying them are at least over sixty. The Midwesterners all running scared from the depleted ozone layer of the southern Florida summer. Your writing is great and witty, but I feel there is more potential for imagery. I'm not saying you need to go overboard - just a bit more for someone like me, who has never really foot in Florida and thus can't picture it so well as you can.

At least up here, unnecessary comma? there[s]’s[/s] are a few groups of fishermen scattered around, leaning over the concrete barrier, willing the fish to bite their lines. As I pass, I call out above the pounding of the streetcars, “Any luck?”

Several tanned, leathery faces turn my way. A jolly looking, fifty something man chuckles, “Not today, son. They already know my old tricks.” His eyes sparkle in between the folds of coarse skin. See! Some imagery

“Have a good one.make that a comma” I say, and continue with my vagrant stroll, not in any hurry to get home to my father’s hyper productive absence.

A ringing in my pocket pulls me into the uncertain world of phone calls with its soothing African ring tone. Um, this sentence has a forced feeling to it. The caller ID reads in unforgiving times new roman font dispensable information? and anyway, should be Times New Roman, “Mom.”

“Hi, Teddy,” she says in my ear. Her voice is chirp[s]ing[/s]y, excited, “I have good news.”

The way she says this grips my heart in a steely panic that I can’t shake. “What?”

“I got you a job!” I can sense the smile in her voice as vividly as I can sense the dread filling my gut.

“What job?” I ask, trading carefully through the mom minefield. :)

“Well, you know my friend, Cindy Wyland? She’s the one who runs that doggie grooming service on Terrace Street. I told her about your little dilemma, and she said they always need help there and she’d be happy to hire you. You know she used to babysit you when you were only two?” she barely comes up for air through the whole speech.

Dog grooming? Dog grooming? Is this what I have been reduced to? I’ll be Theo the dog groomer? I choose not to go to college, and suddenly Cindy Wyland thinks I’m dog grooming material? maybe, because these are the thoughts of that time and not occurring now in the present narration, you should italicise this? “Mom,” I start, but she cuts me off.

“Oh Teddy, I know it’s not glamorous and noble like you wanted but it won’t be forever. Soon, you can get right back on track when [s]a[/s] thenew school year starts.”

“Mom, I don’t want to go to school. I want to be out helping people, not stuck here, cutting some freaking mutt’s toenails.” I’m getting to worked up, I know. But there’s no way I can do that.

“You’ll be helping dogs, and if you’re going to be moving out soon, you’ll need the money.” Nothing fazes this woman.

“Mom, I really cannot deal with this right now.” I say as the acute sting of an oncoming headache buzzes in my ear.

“Teddy, you need to call Cindy today because she wants you to come in tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” I repeat dumbly, like a parrot.

She sighs, “Yes tomorrow. It’s never too early to start getting a good pay. I will text you her number in a minute,” she pauses, “Bye comma Teddy comma I love you.” She says before clicking off.

I sit down on the barrier, completely immersed in thoughts of myself walking through the doors of the dog grooming place on Terrace dressed in an itchy polyester polo and khaki pants.

I set my phone a careful distance away; comma afraid of anyone who might call next looking for a bank teller or a sewage cleaner.

Horrible pounding questions hassle my head as I sit there. I do need money, I do want to move out. But dog grooming?

Like a bat out of hell, something hits me from the front with such force that I fall. I fall over the side of the barrier and into the merciless hands of gravity, falling the ten feet from the bridge to the bay, the air cupping my face while I careen downward. A second before I hit the water I realize I'm not alone, a lone figure of a girl falls silently beside me, her curly dark hair floating gracefully above her. She disappears as the icy water swallows me up. Brilliantly told


I surface comma choking[s],[/s] and gasping for air. My eyes look around wildly, as I try to grasp exactly what had happened in the last three seconds. The girl had broken the surface too, she was fluidly treading water while a moderate group of people look down on us from the bridge laughing and yelling things to her.

“Yeah comma Tommy, you keep on laughing. You’re just glad I needed the two hundred bucks.” She yells.

It all hits me then. “Oh my God!” I scream against my will, “What the hell just happened?!”

She turns to me, her eyes the color of chocolate kisses excuse me??, “What?”

My body is on full out freak out mode. “Are you flipping insane?! These are ocean waters! There are sharks in here!” Shaking, I don’t even wait for her answer; I just start swimming as fast as I possibly can to the shore.

In a matter of seconds I see her gliding effortlessly next to me, her sun browned hands teasing the currents as they propel her forward. She’s in front of me before I even have time to blink. I try to catch up with her, but I don’t get the chance before she’s pulling herself up onto the bank, wringing out her hair.

When I finally make it and plop myself on the grassy waterline I’m panting like mad, even though I only swam about twenty feet. I can feel her eyes on me as I’m dripping with saltwater, but I can’t find the words to say anything. Luckily she beats me to it.

“You’re a slow swimmer.” not a new sentence She says matter-of-factly, squeezing the ends of her tee shirt until the excess water streams from the fabric. Across the front is the bold logo of Greenpeace.

“Where did you get that shirt?” I ask quickly, not even realizing that I’d decided to speak. I’ve wanted to join Greenpeace since I was in diapers.

She looks down at it, the water makes wrinkles across her stomach. “My sister gave it to me. She works with them.”

I can almost detect a twinge of sarcasm in her voice, an edge of bitterness.

She stands there and I don’t know what to say. I feel like a fourth grader, alone for the first time with a girl he has a crush on.

“I’m Ambrosia.” She started, “Call me Rosie though, unless you can handle Ambrosia.”

Rosie. I like it, it suits her. Ambrosia is too much. Love it

She holds her hand down to me and I clasp it before she hoists me up. Our hands are still together when I speak.

“I’m Theo. Theodore for long, or Teddy, but only if you’re my mom.”

She smiles, drops my hand, and turns to hike back up the hill to the bridge. I follow, my gait slow while my shoes slosh in the grass, each filled to the brim with saltwater.

They were waiting for her. Seven guys by my count, all burly with short-cropped haircuts and tight fitting tee shirts.

“Rosieee! That was sick!” says one of them, coming forward. He looks shockingly like Rosie, he has to be her brother.

“Put me down comma! Tommy!” she squeals as he picks her up like she weighs nothing at all. Tommy smiles as her feet return to earth, then he pushes her into two others in his posse. I feel awkward standing there in my soaked clothing dripping onto the concrete as more and more cars pass by every second.

But it’s not long before the feeling’s gone. A guy in a green shirt punches me lightly on the arm. “No harm done fella comma right?” he asks with jocularity, “We like to have a little fun now and then.”

I exhale then smile at him, “Nah, no harm done. It was pretty refreshing.” I look around for Rosie, but I don’t see her past the horizon of toned arms and six packs.

Tommy then puts an arm around my shoulder. “You see we knew Rosie needed money, so we bet her,” his voice climbs lower, “My sister’s never been one to forgo a challenge, ain’t that right boys?” He looks out to them. They answer with a chorus of positive affirmations.

“Alright, let the man breathe.” again, this should not be a new sentence Says Rosie comma coming through the crowd. Her chime-like voice fills me with relief. She faces me, but the top of her head only comes up to my nose. “Navy seals in training. They’re hard to manage sometimes.” Her Hershey kiss eyes sparkle you've already used the eyes sparkling description with the fisherman. Variation, please playfully. “Get out of here muscle heads,” she shoos them with a few flicks of her hand.

“Oh! Here’s your phone,” she says handing it to me face down. “You left it on the ledge there.”

I accept it. “Thanks.” I don’t know what else to say.

Rosie turns to join the group with her brother and the other navy seals. I won’t see her again.

After she’s taken about two steps she turns back to me and says quietly, “Don’t settle for dog grooming comma Theo. Helping people is much more important.” Er, how does she even know? And like that she’s back in her own world again, and I’m in mine, like nothing ever happened.

I sigh and start walking again, the sun already starting to dry the little beads of water that dapple my skin and clothes.

I turn my cell phone over in my hand and press a button to alight the front screen absent-mindedly. A sequence of numbers appears on the screen instead of my preset background. Rosie’s? I turn to look behind me at the group again. Rosie’s small, heart-shaped face is looking at me with a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. I know then, that the number’s hers.


Lauren 8)



I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.
— Thomas Edison