Tainted Soul part 2

They tried and tried to make me tell them what happened.
"You can open up to us," they pressed. "We are not here to hurt you."
Ha! Lies, the whole lot of it! You mean to tell me that I, Rayne Valkyre, can open up to you?!? The very people that try to plant a false sense of security in my mind! The very people that think I am just a normal rotten seed! No! I hate to say this, but you all are terribly wrong. I'm not just another rotten seed. I'm spoiled to the core, and, yes, I admit that. There is no possible way to avoid the truth, all it does, if you try, is turn on you. If I sat here, all day, mumbling to myself, "I'm a good kid. I'm a good kid!" Well, I'm positive I'd go insane. Its better to just accept what I am, and that's a spoiled, rotten, evil little child. Don't blame me for this, blame those blasted corpses, Kirea and Alex, they made me this way! Why they wanted to kill me, I have no idea!
I was a good kid, I made straight A's, I never got in fights! I always used good manners. " Yes ma'am, no ma'am. Yes sir, No sir. Please and thank you. May you please pass the salad." If you ask me, I was damn near perfect! They were never satisfied! Picky little things! Evey day! Nag, nag, nag!
"Rayne! You got a 96 in English! That's barely an A! I expect more from you, you're such a disgrace!!"
"Yes ma'am. I'll try harder ma'am" Oh, and believe me, I did try harder. Somehow, though, I never ceased to disappoint them.
"Rayne! You turned in your report today?"
"Yes sir, yes I did."
"On time? I expected you to turn it in early! In your room! No dinner, no TV for a month! Leave! Get out of my sight! You disgust me!"
"Yes sir, right away sir." I tried my best for those bastards! I took my punishments without even crying! Not one tear escaped my eyes as I endured their guerrilla style beatings. I loved them with all my heart. I did everything to make them happy. I wanted to give them the world. I was so foolish!
The day they tried to kill me I was in my room studying for the science test next week. I would much rather be reading my favorite manga, Fruits Basket, but I'm sure if I get anything less than 100, I'll get beat. It was Friday night, which meant they were coming home drunk, they always do.
"Rayne! Get your useless ass down here!" My father's slurred words staggered up the staircase and into my room. I gently set my book down and traveled down the stairs.
"Yes sir?" They were holding on to each other, their eyes were droopy and their hair tussled. The usually grey tint of mom's eyes were replaced by red, her usually shiny mahogany colored hair seemed grey and dull. Dad's eyes, as always, were fixed into a hostile glare, directed at me.
"I'm sick of you, boy! You're a disgrace to the Valkyre name," he waved my mom in the direction of the kitchen," I want you gone!"
"Where do you want me to go, sir?" He clumsily made his way over to me and smacked me in the face.
"Don't back sass me boy! Kiera! Get in here!" Mom stumbled back into the room with a butcher knife. A wicked smile crossed my dad's face and for the first time, I cried.
"Dad, mom? What are...what are you doing?!" Mom laughed and dad just glared.
"We've put up with you long enough boy! I wouldn't wish you upon my worst enemy! Go to hell!" That's when mom threw the knife.

They thought I was a disgrace! Sad excuses for parents, that's what they were! I grew up that day. I grew at least 5 years older. Never again will I make the mistake to love. Never again will I open my heart to anyone, never again will I try a give someone the world. Never again!

What the heck. I am shocked that his parents would do that. I know its fake, but those parents desirve to die. I'm glad that this is a flash back and not the actual story. I thank you for PMing me when you posted this. Please, I think you found the story that when completed, has the potenital to be a book. Heck, I see it now. I can't wait to read more from you.

LoVeLeSs wrote:"We are not here to hurt you." ((new paragraph here))Ha! Lies, the whole lot of it!

LoVeLeSs wrote: If I sat here, all day, mumbling to myself "I'm a good kid. I'm a good kid!" Well I'm positive I'd go insane.

LoVeLeSs wrote: "On time?! I expected you to turn it in early!! In your room now! No dinner! No t.v for a month! Leave! Get out of my sight! You disgust me!"

Wow. Don't blame him for killing them

LoVeLeSs wrote: The day they tried to kill me I was in my room reading Fruits Basket.

I've read that! Good choice.

Characters:
I liked this because it just made Rayne grow more as a character. You get insight into his past, see what he's like and everything. I even felt connected to his parents. Even though they didn't have that big of a presence, I felt like I knew them, I could picture them really well.

Overall:
I still really love this. I think it's really original and you're writing it really well.
If you continue, please PM me again

-Carly

hi again! wow. what else can i say. this is amazing. carry on writing and PM me when you have more please!

Afeefah

Hola! Review numero dos, coming up!

"You can open up to us," they pressed. "We are not here to hurt you."

They very people that try to plant a false sense of security in my mind!

I'm sorry... I don't get this. Do you mean to say "They are the very people..."? You should probably fix this part up, yeah? =P

I'm spoiled to the core, and, yes, I admit this.

Ahh, I'm not too sure on this, so you may want a second opinion, but I think "this" should be changed to "that".

If I sat here, all day, mumbling to myself, "I'm a good kid. I'm a good kid!" Well, I'm positive

Please, and thank you.

No comma needed.

Oh, and believe me, I did try harder.

"Rayne! You turned in your report today?"

"Yes sir, yes I did."

"On time? I expected you to turn it in early! In your room now! No dinner! No TV for a month! Leave! Get out of my sight! You disgust me!"

Okay, be careful here. As I believe I said in the other review, in a story, you can really only use "!?" once.

room reading Fruits Basket. It was Friday night, which meant they were coming home drunk, as they always did.

Not everyone knows what Fruits Basket is. Make sure you somehow add in that its a manga. Like... "...room reading Fruits Basket, one of my favorite manga." Or something similar.

their hair was tussled.

Take out "was".

the first time, I cried.

What are.....what are you doing?!

For the elipses (the "..."), never use more or less than three.


Ahhh, wow! This is absolutely amazing! I love it!
You've GOT to PM me when you get the next part up, yeah?
I'll read that and give another review, if you want.
Speaking of reviews...
I hope this one helped.
Again, remember my corrections are just my opinion and you don't have to use them. But whatever you choose to do, I hope mine helped.
If you need me to review anything else, just let me know and I'd be glad to do it. =D

-Basket-

Loveless, you have such a good way of writing to convey the pain of the character to the reader. I felt sorry for your little Rayne...But then, he might not like that, so let me get on with the review:

"Rayne! You turned in your report today?!"
"Yes sir, yes I did."
"On time?! I expected you to turn it in early!! In your room now! No dinner! No t.v for a month! Leave! Get out of my sight! You disgust me!"

Ok im quite confused here (sorry, I have a retarded mind). When Alex snapped at Rayne: "On time?!" I felt like errr..what? Maybe it could have been written like this, make it have more connection between the 2 lines of conversation:

"Rayne! You turned in your report today?!"
"Yes sir, I turned it in today."
"Today?! You mean you have just turned it in on time?!I expected you to turn it in earlier!! In your room now! No dinner! No t.v for a month! Leave! Get out of my sight! You disgust me!"

I did anything to make them happy.

Everything sound better than that anything, or that can be re-written into "I did anything I could, tried to sastify them."

The day they tried to kill me I was in my room reading Fruits Basket.

2 things:
1.Maybe it is just me, but Fruits Basket is not something I think he is even allowed to read with such parents. And you can make him suffer more (sorry Rayne, I'm evil.) by making him studying, trying to be better in his parents' eyes.

2. About the sentence: I wonder if this can sound better: "On the day they tried to kill me, I was in my room..."
It just sound more like human talk to me than a matter-of-fact statement, running on with no emotion.

"I'm sick of you, boy! You're a disgrace to the Valkyre name," he waved my mom in the direction of the kitchen," I want you gone boy!"

Sorry, but the repeating of "boy" annoyed me. Maybe only 1 "I am sick of you, boy!" is enough. The second "I want you gone boy!" sound a little strange, even funny to me, and not fitting with the mood at all.

That is about all I can see for now. Hope you can get some help from this review!

PLOT

Firstly, I like the plot of your story on how a good kid turned evil reminds me of Elfen Leid but anyway, the plot is good as an introduction to its past. You have told the reader what has happened and had added instances of the past however by doing so, you confused the tense in some parts for example, on the 4th paragraph when you explained what kind of boy he is, past tense and present tense are fused in one paragraph and overall, the tense are sort of mixed. Try sticking to one tense and if not, try maybe italized the words that are meant to be in present or other things like that.

DESCRIPTION

Okay…this is where I got confuse. When you wrote the part where the kid was being killed by his parents, there is lack of explanation. I know you said that they were drunk but it would be better if you emphasized their drunkenness like when they talk, try writing that you heard the alcohol from their breath or that they kept falling or tripping. Because what you wrote was a bit quick pace. Try to slow down and get one detail at the time, let the reader know that the parents are drunk or something by using body language, how they speak (drunk people I think don’t speak straight…), their facial expressions or even metaphors.

Characterizations

Okay at the first part when you introduce the main character, you tell us that he is spoiled. That’s fine but the problem is that the reader tend to forget as they read the rest of the story that he spoiled. Show not tell and you can do this by describing how spoiled he is. You may not use the word spoiled but you may give examples on how he is spoil like by writing that he likes people who only enjoy to feel hatred or something like that. By doing so, the reader can get an idea to what kind of person he is.