Golden Locks

Golden Locks
David watched the girl passing alongside his car, her golden locks bounced as she skipped along happily - unaware. She reminded him of his daughter Lorna, he loved her so, but he still blamed himself for what happened. The last time he saw his daughter she was only thirteen - he smiled at the memory - it was her birthday and she was laughing in the car with him. David was only distracted for a second and then ... he couldn’t bear to think about the rest.
David knew almost everything about the girl, he’d been watching her for quite a while, her name was Laura. David was going to strike at half-past twelve, he glanced at his watch; he still had four hours left. He waited in his car, parked down a side street Laura took every day to get home from school for lunch. Just like Lorna had. David sighed deeply and drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, waiting. Soon it was half-past twelve, David smirked happily.
Soon after, Laura said bye to her friends at the corner and set off alone down the side street. She was only a few yards into the street before David got out of his car, he strode towards Laura and stopped in front of her.
“Laura,” he said.
“Yes?” replied Laura confused.
“Your mum asked me to pick you up tonight; she’s got to work late,” David said as he gestured to his car.
“Hmmm I guess so,” replied Laura as she opened the passenger door and got in.

David’s country house was only a few miles away, they drove there in silence, that’s where he’d taken the other girls like her. When the car stopped Laura looked at her surroundings and then at David.
“This is my house; you’re staying with me,” David told Laura smugly,” Now put your hands out.” Reluctantly, Laura held out her hands and David bound them together with an old worn length of rope. He then tied the other end to the steering wheel; he needed to be sure she couldn’t get away. When the rope was secured he got out of the car, opened the other door and leaned in to untie the rope. He then dragged the young girl out, after she was pulled across the drive to an outside shed.

David opened the shed door, shoved Laura in and bolted the door tightly. Laura sniffed and surveyed the interior of the shed; it was a small dimly lit room with one small window –which was too small to climb out of – there was no escape. A large tear rolled down Laura’s cheek she was scared, very scared. In one corner of the room there were a few thin blankets and a pile of old clothes - covered in blood. Then, Laura turned to see something she wished she hadn’t, all in large jars were heads. Heads that all looked ever so slightly like hers, with long golden curls, each head was screaming a silent never ending scream. The ten severed heads and one empty jar, Laura gulped knowing it was her jar. Instinctively, Laura backed into the corner, whimpering. It wasn’t long before David unbolted the door and entered the shed holding a long thin wire. He headed towards the girl, wrapped the wire around her neck and pulled garrotting her. The blood cascaded like a waterfall when the wire cut the jugular and Laura’s lifeless body slumped to the floor, her mouth open screaming her own endless silent scream. David left ready to find his next victim.

Wow! That was so creepy. At first I thought that it was going to be this father that missed his daughter, but I was wrong. That gave me chills, seriously. Anyways, onto the review:

[s]Last[/s] The last time he saw his daughter she was only thirteen - he smiled at the memory - it was her birthday and she was laughing in the car with him.

“Yes?” replied Laura, confused.

“Your mum[s]s[/s] asked me to pick you up tonight; she’s got to work late,”

In one corner of the room there were a few thin blankets and a pile of old clothes - covered in blood - in another.

I don't think the "in another" is needed. Just add a period after "blood".

Then Laura turned to see something she wished she hadn’t, all in jars, large jars were heads.

I think you should re-word this sentence. Maybe like this: Then, Laura turned to see something she wished she hadn't, all in large jars, were heads That's kind of a bad example, but you get what I mean, I hope.

That was really good, if not creepy. Keep writing, you have talent.

Thanx for your reply and I really liked the example you gave it's helped alot

*Shivers* I think you should be writing a horror genre and a mystery genre. This story is awsome. I first thought it was just a normal kidnapping, not at all a murder. Keep up the great work.

Really Scary!!! I love it though. Keep writing cause your really good Pirate for you

Hi!
Woah that was kind of creepy It was good, and I was definitly surprised at the outcome *shudders*

Onto the nitpicks:

David watched the girl passing alongside his car, her golden locks bouncing as she skipped along happily - unaware.

She reminded him of his daughter Lorna, he loved her so, but he still blamed himself for what happened.

I'm not so sure about the 'he loved her so' bit - it doesn't sound quite right. I'd put something like this: 'She reminded him of his daughter, Loarna, who he loved, dearly. He still blamed himself for what happened.'
Not the best example but something like that would be better

David knew almost everything about the girl, he’d been watching her for quite a while. Her name was Laura.

This sounds better in two sentences. Also, if he knew almost everything about her, maybe you could tell us some more details about her, like her daily routine or something like that.

“Hmmm I guess so,” replied Laura as she opened the passenger door and got in.

Wouldn't Laura be a bit more reluctant to get in a car with a stranger? Just a thought

David’s country house was only a few miles away, and they drove there in silence. That’s where he’d taken the other girls like her. When the car stopped Laura looked at her surroundings, and then at David.

“This is my house; you’re staying with me,” David told Laura smugly,” Now put your hands out.” Reluctantly, Laura held out her hands and David bound them together with an old worn length of rope.

I'd like to know how Laura feels here, because right now, apart from her reluctance, I get the impression that she's not all that bothered. She must be quite frightened... show it.

Then, Laura turned to see something she wished she hadn’t, all in large jars were heads.

I agree with mhmmcolleenx0 that this sentence needs to be reworded.

Heads that all looked ever so slightly like hers, with long golden curls, each head was screaming a silent never ending scream.

eeeek creepy Good description, though.

He headed towards the girl, wrapped the wire around her neck and pulled, garrotting her.

Well that's all for nitpicks. So, good job on this. I like how Laura ended up like the rest, it makes it more realistic. In stories like this you'd expect the victim to somehow get away, or kill the captor or something. The way you made Laura just as defencless as the rest was great.

So overall, good job: just a few things: be careful with commas, because I noticed quite a few times that there are commas missing or commas where there should be full stops. Also, I think you could expand a bit more on the characters and their feelings. How does the man feel when killing her? How does she feel being tied up by a stranger?

Other than that, it's good.

Hope I helped!

~Lilicia

Ooh! Scary! Nice job. Since some other people pointed out some small errors, I'm just going to focus on how I liked it. When I first started reading, I didn't expect it to be all murder-ish or anything. But when you mentioned "striking", I immediately thought of some sort of attack or something. After that, I finally realized that this story was about kidnapping Laura. One thing I have in my mind is why would he do that? Also, I'd just like to suggest that you show more emotion on Laura's part. Wouldn't she have done something when he tied the rope around her hands? Well, anyways, keep on writing!

Scary, yes, but overall, I thought this was poorly written. It was depressing yet altogether dumb at the same time. So you didn't give the readers enough background on David for us to like this man who decapitates little girls and stores their heads in jars, which is frankly, sick, anyway. I assumed that David lost his daughter in car accident that was due to his own poor driving. Why are we suddenly being expected to accept the fact that David would turn to such drastic actions against little girls that remind him of his daughter? Is he so angry at his own misfortune that he wants to rob other parents of their little ones? David is too sick of a character for the readers to bear him for too long. And anyway, how long can he do this before law enforcement gets involved. Ten heads? That's unlikely. I suggest that you do a bit more thinking on this one. Little children aren't as unsuspecting as you're making them out to be.