Reptile *edited*

I reach my fists towards my scalp
And pull at the dark blue roots,
Tearing each follicle out.

Look at my blue scalp;
It’s polka-dotted with red prints.
The touch is poisonous.

My tongue will slither out,
Catching its prey with venom.
My eyes cry blood;
To ward you off;
Stay away.

I have scratches from my talons
Which you forced me to cut short.
But the red marks are still there.
Run your hand along my bumpy skin.
Feel my dead skin and scales.
I am a reptile.

unsterblichkeit36 wrote:I reach my fists towards my scalp
And pull at the dark blue roots,
Tearing each follicle out.

Last two lines make no sense. If you're pulling blindly at something, why mention "each" follicle? It makes it sound like you're pulling out your hair strands one by one, meticulously. This collides with the earlier imagery you are trying to make, so change the last line or the second line. I suggest fixing the last line because the idea of ripping out chunks is more visual and believable than individual hairs.

I scream for my last bit of sanity
And try to pry it from within,
Crying out the final drops.

The imagery is disjointed and does not connect with each other. Screaming for something implies it can hear you, and so is a personification. Then...you are prying it out of somewhere, probably an abyss...and then you are crying it out. What exactly is going on here? I won't even bother to try to delve into this save for encouraging you to re-do the whole stanza based on some sort of universal foundation.

I guess I’m a nut case.
I guess I’m a wreck.
I’m so fucked up and dull now.
There’s nothing we can do.

Utterly juvenile and unappealing. The repetition of "I guess" is random and doesn't seem to have any reason to it. The swearing is doing nothing to help the fluidity of the piece and the stanza in general is devoid of any type of imagery whatsoever. Some kind of description needs to be added to these lines; that's the first point you should work on.

I have scratches from my finger nails
Which you forced me to cut short.
But the red marks are still there.
Run your hand along my bumpy skin.
Feel my dead skin and scales.
I am a reptile.

There was so much potential for using the metaphor of a reptile but you chose the shallow and weakest one, for some reason. Maximize the impact of comparing yourself to a reptile; hint throughout the poem of the cold-blooded feeling of the creature, the way it lives in murky waters alone, etc. There are many connections you can make with this kind of animal, so use them, in this last stanza or embedded within the piece.

Overall, the poem is weak but does have room for improvement as I've pointed out.

Hope that helped.

Hey Unster! ^^ I see Gal has attacked your poem, eh? Don't worry-- not everyone on YWS is quite so brutally honest. I'll just give you a quick run-through on some of these ideas.

First of all...

I'm not enjoying the repetition of 'blue' in the first sentence (referring to the hair's roots) and then in the second stanza (referring to the scalp). I think it's unnecessary and kind of disrupts your flow, you know? Search for another description besides the color blue. You can work with texture, temperature, or even use some personification and give the scalp an emotion.

Look at my blue scalp;
It’s polka-dotted with red prints.
The touch is poisonous.

What touch? You don't touch things with your scalp. Do you mean, if someone touches your scalp, they'll be poisoned? If so, clarify that. It's not coming accross perfectly here, but I'm curious as to what you mean.

My tongue will slither out,

Using 'will slither' turns this one line out of the entire poem into future tense, which I think isn't needed and is a bit inconsistant with everything else. Just change it to 'My tongue slithers out' instead, okay? I think that works just as well.

My eyes cry blood;
To ward you off;
Stay away.

Ooh, I liked this. This is the best part of the poem, in my opinion. Crying blood is a pretty used image, but I liked it a lot here. Good job!

One thing I'm pointing out is that you need to focus less on the raw color of something. Green, blue, red-- I don't really care as much about the color as I care about some more interesting descriptions. Try focusing on other elements of the appearence of the reptile; I think the effect would be better, overall.

Why all of this physical stuff? I'd love love love if you went a bit past just descriptions and focused some more on the emotions, the characterization of this reptile. Gal is right-- explore the concept of 'cold-blooded' and explore their lifestyle! Where do they live, what do they eat, how do they defend themselves, and what does that mean to them as souls? As entities? Expand that more emotional connection, and this poem will be truly interesitng!

So, I thought this was done well. With such a broad subject, you can go so many directions with this! Good luck!

~Evi