Little Macey

There was someone in the wardrobe.
Macey knew.
She sat on her bed, hugging her knees to her chest. Nervously chewing her bottom lip, she never took her large, brown eyes off her wardrobe. She dared not make a sound. They would know that she knew about them if she did. Then They would come for her. And once They got her, poor, little Macey would have wished she’d kept quiet.
Mama would be so sad. Tall, thin Mama who cried when Papa left. She’d called Papa naughty words when he stormed out, slamming the door behind him. Macey had seen it through the crack in the kitchen door. Sarah, Macey’s toy bear, had seen it too. She’d let Macey hide her face in Sarah’s soft, brown fur. Macey was safe then, with Sarah protecting her from Mama’s crying and Papa’s absence.
Macey wished she had Sarah now.
She almost whimpered, but caught herself before she did. They would know then. Then They would come for her. A tear slipped down her cheek. Macey didn’t dare move to wipe it away. If she moved They would get her.
One of the doors shuddered a little, like someone inside had bumped it accidentally.
Macey sucked in a sharp breath. They were in there. They were waiting inside. Macey knew if she ran out of her room They would catch her. She had to run past the wardrobe to get to the door. Her door was closed. She didn’t like her door. It was white and boring. Her door didn’t like her. It was shut tight, trapping her in.
And someone was in the wardrobe.
Macey hugged her knees tighter to her. She knew Mama would be calling her to dinner. But if Mama shouted Macey's name, They would know she hid in the room. Then They would get her. Poor Mama would still be calling for dinner when Macey was no longer there.
Macey wanted Mama to open her door and gather her in her stick-thin arms. She wanted to get out of her room. She wanted to be far away and safe.
Her Mickey Mouse clock was on her bedside table. It kept clicking. The noise was the only one she could hear, other than Them shifting around in her wardrobe.
Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock…
The wardrobe door started to creak open. The black crack between the doors widened and widened. Macey thought she could fall into that gap and never be seen again. She was so frightened. Macey couldn’t scream; couldn’t breathe; couldn’t run.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock…
A grey hand, with crinkled, old fingernails – like Mama’s wrapping paper for food – clutched at the opening door. A face peered out. A wrinkled, grey face. It looked like a monster Mean Tom had drawn once. Mean Tom liked to scare the girls with pictures of ugly faces. Mean Tom would have been proud of the monster; it was so scary. Big yellow eyes stared out at little Macey. A huge grin looked like it could swallow her whole. Macey saw the tiny little teeth that filled that great, big mouth. They looked like the little stones she’d seen Mean Tom throw at the swans in the lake.
Tick … tock … tick…
It crooked one of its long, brittle fingers. Its huge mouth moved and its dry, cracked voice reached her.
“Want to come play with us, little girl?”
Tock.

Hey! This was really interesting, mostly because your main character is a little girl. Most things I've read on here (and from my own experience) are written about teens or young adults, so this was almost refreshing. I especially liked the way she kept linking back to her 'Mama', which really is like a young child. Perfect encapsulation of your MC!

A couple of things I thought of that might improve this:

And poor, little Macey would have wished she’d kept quiet.

This is fine grammar-wise, but I just think it would read better if you took out the comma, making it "And poor little Macey..." Maybe, maybe not. An idea, anyway.

Same sentence again:

She dared not make a sound. They would know that she knew if she did. Then they would come for her. And poor, little Macey would have wished she’d kept quiet.

The previous sentences from the last one there are that odd future tense, like the possible future or something, but then you phrase it oddly: "would have wished". It is like the previous sentences, but I think "And poor, little Macey would wish that she'd kept quiet" sounds more grammatically correct.

Her door was closed. She didn’t like her door. It was white and boring. Her door didn’t like her. It was shut tight, trapping her in.

I really liked the phrasing at the end of this paragraph, but again I think it would read better if it was "Equally, her door didn't like her" or something like that.

Other than that, it was really really lovely. Also, the way you ended it was p-e-rfect. Fab ~*X*~

Heya there!

And poor, little Macey would have wished she’d kept quiet.

Maybe it's just a pet peeve of mine or maybe it's not. But you shouldn't start sentences with "and". It seems almost childish.

Also, what do you mean "would have"?

Macey wished she had Sarah now.

Where was Sarah? Was she in the livingroom or is Macey too old to have a teddybear?

She had to run past the wardrobe to get to the door. Her door was closed. She didn’t like her door. It was white and boring. Her door didn’t like her.

This sounds slightly repitive. The door, the door, the door. Maybe try using "it" in place of "the door".

~~~~~~

Description~ I loved the description in this piece. Especially the last paragraph. But you could still put some more in here. Like what colour was Macey's room? Pink, a blah white? What about her bed or the colour of the wardrobe?

Characters~ I love how you made the MC a tiny girl and the way we, as the reader, see everything the way she does. It makes the whole thing more interesting

I'm just curious. How did the MC know there was something in her closet, besides them bumping it? Were they in there when she entered her room or what?

I really like this. It really realed me in. Good job.

If you have any questions PM.

Happy Writing!

Meadow

A good story, I just read your story "I need you to write" and thought that it was your only writing style but clearly its not.

“Want to come play with us, little girl?”

You pretty much end with this line, but I think it could be better if you added in something more personal, like her name. You entitled it little macey, maybe incorprate that with the last line. So..

"Why Little Macey? Want to come and play?"

Just an idea.

The writting style was good and apprporiate for that of a young child, yet still keeping its maturity.

Very creepy.

Emma! June here!

Wow, this was superb!

As I was reading it, I was not expecting the end to be anything like this at all. It's a great ending-- you're leaving us at a cliff hanger, leaving it up to us to decide what happens next (like the suspense in the lady and the tiger).

I like the repetition of "door". It doesn't sound like it's told in a childlike voice, but! It's told as if the narrator is thinking -- or trying to think -- like a child. You did an excellent, excellent job with that, dear.

And I love the description of the creature! How horrific! I almost want to read this to my little sister at bedtime. (I'm not that cruel, really)


Excellent job here; Lillie and Meadow have pointed out some useful things. Gold star, dear. Keep it up!

June

This was really cool. Short, chopped sentences captured the mentality and youth of the MC very well, as well as managing to make this super creepy. For the first half, I was wondering whether what she was afraid of actually existed, which dragged me in all the more.

While the repetition goes a long way to establishing your main character's thought process, there are a few instances where it was a little too much. The one that stuck out to me was the They's. You have them stressed/italicized which makes them much more prominent, especially when they're repeated so much. Perhaps it's just personal preference, but I would have gone with Pseudo-Random Capitalization, rather than italics. Also, the part with Mean Tom, you basically use the exact same thought twice, that the face looked like one Mean Tom would've drawn. Usually, your repetitions have subtle nuances to them that make them effective, adding to the meaning of the thought, but this one didn't seem to have that. The second mention of it being similar to Mean Tom's drawings doesn't add anything to the first.

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this, and hope to read more (if there is more - is there?). I especially like the idea of it being a wardrobe, as it's a subtle nod to Narnia with a dark twist. Rather like Coraline, actually. Very nice work.

~Annie

Wow, this was so creepy and cool. I loved the voice of the little girl - and I also loved that it felt not quite right, you know? Like she was a tiny bit disturbed. That really added to the story.

My only suggestion is that you stop italicizing "they" and instead capitalize it. That way it still puts emphasis on the word, but it's not quite so distracting.

Great job! Gold star for you!

Emma! i didn't know you'd written something else. Guess i hadn't actually looked, though. Oh well, i just wanted to tell you i thought it was great Are you going to keep going with this one?
sorry it's short, got to go do some more revision
see ya later xxx

Hi! I'm Hawkie, your teammate for the reality show, and I'll be reviewing you. ^^ You already have a lot of reviews but I'm going to do one anyway. xP

There was someone in the wardrobe.

Macey knew.

Extremely good hook.

She sat on her bed, hugging her knees to her chest. She rocked backwards and forwards slightly, never taking her large, brown eyes off her wardrobe. She dared not make a sound.

Maybe it's just me, but "she" seems a little redundant here, seeing as it's at the beginning of each sentence for three sentences in a row.

She knew Mama would be calling to her for dinner.

I think this should be "calling her to dinner." "Calling to her for dinner" sounds like Mama wants Macey to give her dinner. ^^

Macey thought she could fall into that gap and never be seen again. Macey was so frightened.

Again, "Macey" seems a bit redundant.

Overall

This is amazing, really, almost perfect! I loved the narrator's voice and the little-girl perspective, and the end was delightfully creepy. Wonderful, wonderful job. Gold star for you.

Keep writing!

-Hawks-

Hey, I just wanted to say that I really liked it.

I loved the idea of a monster in the closet.
I also thought how you mentioned that Sarah, the toy, saw too,was great because that implieas that its alive which is just what a little girl would think.

Overall it was great. I really want to read the next chap.

Hi,
This was really intriguing! It really pulled the reader in. I liked the ending, too.

You say that they would get her if she even moved, but you start out with her rocking back and forth on her bed. It contradicts what you say later.

'They would know that she knew if she did.'

This sentence kind of confused me.

Overall I really liked it

~Tayla

Hey there fellow teammate! Forever here, I'll be your reviewer for today.

There was someone in the wardrobe. (Excellent. As you already know, the beginning of the story should start with a hook, something that grabs the reader's attention and holds it stead fast. You did this perfectly, I was engaged as soon as I began reading it. Good job!)

Macey knew.

She sat on her bed, hugging her knees to her chest. She rocked backwards and forwards slightly,(I recommend replacing "backwords and forwards" with "back and forth". It seems like less of a mouthful) never taking her large, brown eyes off her wardrobe. She dared not make a sound. They would know that she knew if she did. Then they would come for her. And poor, little Macey would have wished she’d kept quiet.

Mama would be so sad. Tall, thin Mama who cried when Papa left. She’d called Papa n aughty words when he stormed out, slamming the door behind him. Macey had seen it through the cr ack in the kitchen door. Sarah, Macey’s toy bear, had seen it too. She’d let Macey hide her face in Sarah’s soft, brown fur. Macey was safe then, with Sarah protecting her from Mama’s crying and Papa’s absence. (This is great In most stories, the readers should sympathize with the protagonist of the story. Some writers do this by describing a problem or issue in the MC's life in which the readers can relate to. Others do it simply by describing the pain or sadness in the character's life. You did this well by showing us the sadness in Macey's life without literally saying "she was sad". I'm instantly feeling empathy for Macey, which is something the reader should feel for the protagonist if that's what the author intends. I don't really know how to explain it but I think you understand what I mean. Love it!)

Macey wished she had Sarah now. (In this section of your short story, the readers come to a point in which they want to know exactly what happened to Sarah. I suggest continuing along this subject and telling us how or why Macey doesn't have Sarah anymore. Like I said earlier, it would help us feel Macey's pain.)

She almost whimpered, but caught herself before she did. They would know then. Then they would come for her. A tear slipped down her cheek. Macey didn’t dare move to wipe it away. If she moved they would get her. (I love how you wrote this. It really makes me want to know who is in the closet. You created a tension that makes us want to read even more of your story. Awesome!)

One of the doors shuddered a little, like someone inside had bumped it a ccidentally.

Macey sucked in a sharp breath. They were in there. They were waiting inside. Macey knew if she ran out of her room they would catch her. She had to run past the wardrobe to get to the door. Her door was closed. She didn’t like her door. It was white and boring. Her door didn’t like her. It was shut tight, trapping her in.

And someone was in the wardrobe. (It's good that you repeated your opening statement here. Circular structure is a very useful tool for writing, yet sometimes it can be tricky to know where to use it. You, my friend, used it perfectly to your advantage. )

Macey hugged her knees tighter to her. She knew Mama would be calling to her for dinner. If Mama called to her for dinner (In this part, "Mama called to her for dinner" is written twice. I suggest changing the second one so that there's no repetition. Perhaps using "If Mama did this..." at the beginning of the third sentence in the paragraph would help.) then they would know she hid in the room. Then they would get her. Poor Mama would still be calling for dinner when Macey was no longer there.

Macey wanted Mama to open her door and gather her in her stick-thin arms. Macey wanted to get out of her room. She wanted to be far away and safe.

Her Mickey Mouse clock was on her bedside table. It kept clicking. The noise was the only one she could hear, other than them shifting around in her wardrobe.

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.
The wardrobe door started to creak open. The black c rack between the doors widened and widened. Macey thought she could fall into that gap and never be seen again. Macey was so frightened. She couldn’t scream. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t run.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock…

A grey hand, with crinkled, old fingernails – like Mama’s wrapping paper for food(I like how you made the writing seem like a little kid had written it. Comparing the ugly grey hand to Mama's wrapping paper for food was genius.:D Very well put. It made me feel for Macey. It made me want to go and grab Macey and hold her tightly so not to let anything horrible destroy her innocence. Your readers will definitly feel empathy for Macey because you've written it in a way in which everyone can understand what she's going through.) – clutched at the opening door. A face peered out. A wrinkled, grey face. It looked like a monster Mean Tom had drawn once. Mean Tom liked to scare the g irls with pictures of ugly faces. The monster looked like Mean Tom had drawn it. Big yellow eyes stared out at little Macey. A huge grin looked like it could swallow her whole. Macey saw the tiny little teeth that filled that great, big mouth. They looked like the little stones she’d seen Mean Tom throw at the swans in the lake.

Tick … tock … tick…

It crooked one of its long, brittle fingers. Its huge mouth moved and its dry, c racked voice reached her.

“Want to come play with us, little g irl?”

Tock.

Overall
What can I say? This piece is excellent. I absolutely loved it! You did an amazing job at creating the mood and theme for your writing. What I liked was that you made me feel sympathetic for your MC. That is an aspect of writing that most authors find difficult doing and yet, you did it wonderfully. As I said earlier, it was good that you wrote in a way that seemed as though a little kid had written it. It added to the fact that Macey was helpless, and that we wanted to stop her from facing such a horrible ending. I really felt for Macey. I wanted to hug her and tell her everything was going to be ok. It's great that you did this so well! Comparing the ugly wrinkled hand to the food wrapping paper made us realize how young and naive your MC really was. Another aspect that I loved, was the fact that you used the sounds of the Mickey Mouse clock. You created an excellent tension. I really wanted to know what was going to happen, who was in the closet, why they were in there. The sounds of the ticking clock only made it better! Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. Absolutely brilliant.

PM me if you have any questions. I just loved this short story, it was fantastic. I'd love to read more of your pieces.

You deserve a round of applause! *claps wildly*

Oh, and an ice cream as well!

[img]<a%20href="http://media.photobucket.com/image/ice%20cream%20cartoon/creator_05/Others%20Cartoon%20Creations-Animated%20and%20Non-animated/cute-1.jpg?o=18"%20target="_blank"><img%20src="http://i98.photobucket.com/albums/l273/creator_05/Others%20Cartoon%20Creations-Animated%20and%20Non-animated/cute-1.jpg"%20border="0"></a>[/img]

Always,

Forever.

Oops! Sorry about that. My little picture of an ice cream didn't show up.

Woe

That was really cool! Great job!

I only saw one thing that I didn't really understand:

They would know that she knew if she did.

That doesn't really look right to me, and its sort've confusing. Maybe instead you could change it to something like "They would know she knew about them if she did", or something like that.

Other than that, I thought the story was fantastic! I loved the ending!

Keep writing

-Irish

Hey. I'm considering continuing this. Should I?
O.o
Or should I leave it as it is?
Please say.


My love,

~Emma