Shadow

My name is Leila and for the last two months I have been in a coma. How do I know?

I watch my lifeless form, from the seat next to by hospital bed. I see many people come

and go - nurses, doctors, friends - but most painful of all my mother. She is here everyday. Her once beautiful face, now completely drained of life and colour, looks exhausted as she watches over me with saddened eyes. I wish I could just embrace her and have her loving grasp around me for one final time. I wish I could tell her that I did love her and that I was sorry, but I don't think I would get that chance. The last time I saw her, we argued.

* * *

It happened on January 22nd. Still so fresh and clear in my mind, as I have had everyday to reflect on it. I was eating breakfast in our tiny kitchen, that had preserved the lingering odour of last nights dinner, when mum came through the door. I recognised the expression plastered across her face. Furious yet alarmed - she only got it when I had done something wrong.

I watched as she went around the kitchen looking for a clean mug, the sound of slamming doors following her around the room. With her eyes on me, she said what was bothering her. “Leila, who is Trace?"

I could feel my face flush scarlet, even though I knew, she knew who he was. "Just a boy from school. Why do you ask?" I tried to deny any implications she had, because I knew he had a bad reputation.

"Oh, it's just I have been talking to Jenny -"

"Why have you been talking to her? What has it got to do with her?" Jenny is my best friend and had been since the day we moved here.

"She was worried about you, and it made me worry. You must have heard all the stories about him using those poor girls, then dropping them." It was a statement rather then a question. I didn't like to admit that she was right, and I had proved my own guilt by being so defensive.

"That is exactly what they are mum, stories. You can't accept the fact that I may have found someone and after your dysfunctional relationships you should be happy for me. Not everyone is like you!" I was annoyed that she had no faith in me and my judgement, although parts of what she had said were true. He had - in the past - been a user, but changed when he met me, he said. She stared blankly at me as I got up from the table, in what she had called a typical teenage tantrum, leaving my half-eaten cereal.

I never did see her (consciously) again as I was hit by a speeding car, on my way to the school gates. I thought, even though I wasn't religious, God was punishing me.
That was the first night mum came to the hospital looking like she had died and come back to life. Gran was comforting her by my bedside (the place they would rarely leave over the next two months). They both cried.

* * *

My doctor, Dr Jameson (who only just looked like he was out of nappies with his sweet childlike face), told mum my prognosis. “Your daughter, Leila”, Like she didn’t know my name I thought, “has severe brain damage”. He looked down at the floor, following the lines, then back up to meet mums eyes. “There is every chance that she will wake up, but there is also the possibility that she won’t,” he said, reaching out to console her. Then he left. Leaving my mother the possibility that she may lose me.

I thought he looked quite optimistic before he left, but I presumed that was false for the benefit of mum. She didn’t seem to notice, or if she did she showed no sign of it.

There were only two people that knew I wouldn’t wake: myself and Dr Jameson. Other people may have known, but they didn’t admit it to themselves or each other.

I was like a time bomb waiting to go off.

* * *

When I was a child I had watched my grandfather die. He had been ill for as long as I could remember. Each month I got older, he became weaker. On my 12th birthday he was unable to cling to the last of his painful life. I thought this would have prepared me for the inevitable - I would die someday. Someday very soon - but it hadn’t.

No one actually knows what will happen after death, which is what frightens me so much. It is one of life’s mysteries. One that I would soon solve and not be able to share with another living soul.

Hi Twigg! Kara here to review your story!

I wish I could tell her that I did love her and that I was sorry, but I don't think I would get that chance.

I wish I could tell her that I love her, and that I was sorry but I don't think I'd get that chance.

If you say did love her, it means Leila loved her before. But if you say love, I think it means Leila still loves her and obviously she still does. ^^

It happened on January 22nd

It happened on January 22.

Or

It happened on the 22nd of January.

I was eating breakfast in our tiny kitchen, that had preserved the lingering odour of last nights dinner, when mum came through the door.

I was eating breakfast in our tiny kitchen when mum came through the door.

I think you overloaded the information in this sentence. You want us to focus on the people, not the kitchen. ^^

Furious yet alarmed - she only got it when I had done something wrong.

I can't put my finger on it, but something is wrong here. Awkward, maybe. oO

I watched as she went around the kitchen looking for a clean mug, the sound of slamming doors following her around the room.

She's slamming doors as she walks around? I thought it was a tiny kitchen. Cupboards maybe. Not doors, though.

With her eyes on me, she said what was bothering her. “Leila, who is Trace?"

Hold on, a moment ago she was walking around the room. You should put something like she paused and glanced at me before finally telling me what was bothering her. ^^

I could feel my face flush scarlet, even though I knew, she knew who he was.

I felt my face flush scarlet even though I knew she knew who he was.

No need for the commas. And you can take out could to get rid of passivity.

Jenny is my best friend and had been since the day we moved here.

You could work that in somewhere else? It sounds strange there. A little tacked on.

She stared blankly at me as I got up from the table, in what she had called a typical teenage tantrum, leaving my half-eaten cereal.

...what she called a typical teenage tantrum...

Take out had to get rid of the passivity. Passivity kills prose.

I thought, even though I wasn't religious, God was punishing me.

Even though I wasn't religious, I thought God was punishing me.

It sounds better that way, and less commas. Less commas = less breaks in continuity.

Leaving my mother the possibility that she may lose me.

Leaving my mother with the possibility of losing me.

When I was a child I had watched my grandfather die.

When I was a child I watched my grandfather die.

Again, destroy passivity! Rawr! xD



OVERALL: A thought-provoking piece. Your grammar isn't bad, it's quite good actually. Sometimes, though, things sound like they're tacked on. As if they're just randomly inserted. Apart from that, it's a good piece. ^^

Thank you for the comments
They have helped

Hello Twigg. I'm ACT and this is my first review so bear with me. I'm going to mostly focus on plot structure since I'm not very good at grammar.

I like the first few opening sentences, but the flashback; although the main focus of this section happens rather fast. Maybe add in a few more details about where Leila is at the beginning; and the current situation. I like how the drama quickly works up between Leila and her mother over the whole dating thing.

Add more details on the car! It feels like she says it so casually! ^_^

The little lapses in the story help the pace incredibly. One thing I can say about the grammar is that when quotations are used they're usually on a new line.

Nevertheless good story; it's piqued my curiosity.
-Act

Well, I want to start out by saying that I thought it was a very good, very moving piece. I really enjoyed reading it.
"I wish I could tell her that I did love her and that I was sorry, but I don't think I would get that chance."- I think that this line is a little awkwardly phrased. Maybe something more like "I wished that I could tell her I still loved her and that I was sorry, but I didn't think I would get that chance."
"I watched as she went around the kitchen looking for a clean mug, the sound of slamming doors following her around the room. With her eyes on me, she said what was bothering her. “Leila, who is Trace?"- I feel like that is really unspecific in a way that it is confusing... she's slamming doors in a tiny kitchen, running around the tiny kitchen, and then all of the sudden she talks about Trace. I feel like that transition could be made a little better.
"Jenny is my best friend and had been since the day we moved here"- you changed tenses. You said "Jenny is my best friend" in present tense and then said "and had been since the day we moved here" in the past tense.
"He had - in the past - been a user, but changed when he met me, he said."- I think you can do more with that sentence. I maybe wrong, but in my eyes I see that there are two ways she can say that. One way, as if she is confident that what she is saying is true, therefore you don't need the "he said" at the end, because she believe's it too. The other way, is that she has doubts about it herself, in which you can add more hesitant language in it. For example "He had- in the past- been a user, I admit but, he said when he met me, he changed... at least, that's what he said."
"I never did see her (consciously) again as I was hit by a speeding car, on my way to the school gates. I thought, even though I wasn't religious, God was punishing me"- I feel like this is such a big part of the story, I think it should be elaborated on. It is the purpose behind the whole story, so maybe talk about it more.
That's all I have. I think it was really good! I hope to read more from you!