Escape from Conel. Chapter 1; Over and out

Chapter 1 Over and out
Location Frigate: HMS Bearer, Elexus system.
Date April 27th (Earth) Echo A39 (Closest planet: Conel)
Time 1000 hours ‘shiptime’,
Year Minus (971,006,000,) 000,002

I looked out from the bridge of the HMS Bearer at the dozen military assault vessels floating through the vacuum through the unoccupied space above the vastly unexplored planet, Conel. With only a population of three million spread out throughout seven cities it was uncommon to have so much military activity, but the little green-purple planet was special.

Instead of its brother and sister planets in the Elexus system; Lexus and Harbourne, it didn’t completely rely on tourism and trade to keep the planet going; it relied on something greater but much more dangerous.
Iron. With iron you could create titanium, and with titanium you could create vessels, trade or military. And vessels were the backbone of any space-faring empire.
And before the discovery of Conel, iron had been running out, and that meant all vessels that were destroyed or lost couldn’t be replaced, and Her Majesty’s Royal Navy would slowly crumble, taking the Commune down with her.
The Commune, the guys we’re fighting; the bad guys. We’re suppose to the good guys, but the truth is that we are just as bad. We kill, we rape, we plunder, and they retaliate by making the CRCP; China-Russian communism pack, then joined by Korea, Japan and India to make the Commune, known to many as the Comm.
The Commune used proper gander to make them look better than us, and we do the same vice versa. See? Everything is Her Majesty’s Royal navy and Her Majesty’s Royal Marines and Her Majesty’s Bullshit.
“Captain sir?” A bridge officer broke me out of my chain of thought. “Seven Commune ships are breaking from the atmosphere and heading to our position.”
“Chinese?”
“Russian sir” Damn it, the Russians were the hardcore communists of the Comm group, maybe if it were china peace negotiations would be possible.
Yet if this little confrontation didn’t go very well it could become a very messy battle, and his superiors wouldn’t be pleased. This mission was about a supposedly peace talk about the iron situation on Conel.
The planet had been ‘peacefully’ switching between the Commune and the MoD for years, resulting in dozens of light skirmishes on the plants densely packed forest surface, which both governments had tried very hard to cover up, maintaining their peaceful, trustworthy reputation.

“Admiral Laurenhowgh wants a status report sir.” Laurenhowgh, the name would make the most powerful generals soil their pants. He was arguably the most powerful commander in the navy, and was definitely the most dangerous. To say that I liked the man was wrong, and to say that he didn’t like me was a gross understatement.
The officer held the receiver and waited for me to take it. When I did she looked at me as to say, good luck. No wait, it was more like Jesus Christ be careful.
I told him situation, heard him pause then say “Captain”

“Yes sir?” I replied

“If things don’t go as planned, I want you in charge of the ground operation if we are to invade Conel.”

“If you don’t mind me asking sir, why not Commander Richards or any of the other captains?”

“You were a major yes? Before you were drafted to the navy. You led four very successful campaigns before against the Commune; I couldn’t trust anybody else on the ground in my fleet as much as you.
Then in the space of a second his warm words turned to ice cold.

“But captain remember, just because I trust you; doesn’t mean I like you.

“This is Admiral Laurenhowgh. Out”

I didn’t know whether to be thankful that I was being given such a big operation over my higher ranking Captains, or scared because if Laurenhowgh put so much trust in me, and I messed this up because he wouldn’t be happy, that meant his superior wouldn’t be happy either.

The admiral only had one superior.

Hiya Daft Vader! I'm Becca, and here to critique your work!

Let's get started!

Nitpicks;

Instead of its brother and sister planets in the Elexus system; Lexus and Harbourne, it didn’t completely rely on tourism and trade to keep the planet going; it relied on something greater but much more dangerous.

I think the first semi-colon is supposed to be a comma. Otherwise, it's kind of confusing and threw me off.

Iron. With iron you could create titanium, and with titanium you could create vessels, trade or military [trade or military? Maybe trade our military? Not sure, though.]. And vessels were the backbone of any space-faring empire.

Make this more dramatic by letting iron have it's own line. Like:

Iron.

With iron you could create....

See? I think it makes it more dramatic, seeing that it's so dangerous.

And before the discovery of Conel, iron had been running out, and that meant all vessels that were destroyed or lost couldn’t be replaced, and Her Majesty’s Royal Navy would slowly crumble, taking the Commune down with her.

Don't start this with and, just before will do it.

The Commune, the guys we’re fighting; the bad guys. We’re suppose to the good guys, but the truth is that we are just as bad. We kill, we rape, we plunder, and they retaliate by making the CRCP; China-Russian communism pack, then joined by Korea, Japan and India to make the Commune, known to many as the Comm.

First thing, I do not get the first sentence at all. Are, like, the commune the bad guys? If so, then, this can be a tad rearranged.
Ex: The Commune, the bad guys, were the guys fighting.

But then again, aren't usually the guys you are fighting the bad guys even if they are the good guys? Get what I'm saying? So I don't think you necessarily need to put 'bad guys' in there, because it's obvious they are going to say their enemies are the bad guys and that they are the good guys. Same goes if you ask the enemies.

“Captain sir?” A [lowercase a.] bridge officer broke me out of my chain [perhaps train? Chain works fine too, this is just a suggestion.] of thought. “Seven Commune ships are breaking from the atmosphere and heading to our position.”

You may ignore my suggestion if you want.

“Russian sir [period.]” Damn it, the Russians were the hardcore communists of the Comm group, maybe if it were china [Capital China and then put a comma.] peace negotiations would be possible.

I told him situation, heard him pause then say [comma] “Captain[period]”

The beginning;

Location Frigate: HMS Bearer, Elexus system.

Date April 27th (Earth) Echo A39 (Closest planet: Conel)

Time 1000 hours ‘shiptime’,

Year Minus (971,006,000,) 000,002

Wow, this really confused me. When I first read it, it put me off and I didn't want to read it. The beginning of stories are very important and you want something to catch the reader's attention. This may catch somebody else's attention because I'm not a big Sci-fi person, but I don't know.

Characters and description;
It's hard to critique your characters in the first chapter, not to mention this was a very short chapter.
You lacked description. There probably could be a lot more description. Don't do too much description, though, because you don't want to bore the reader.

Overall;
As I said, I'm not a big Sci-fi person. I thought this was kind of confusing at parts and could use a bit more explaining. I'm not sure where this is going. From what I understand, they found a planet with iron, which is really rare, and now they are fighting somebody for it.

It was a interesting start!

Good luck,
Becca

The Commune used proper gander to make them look better than us, and we do the same vice versa.

Is this a deliberate misspelling because this part is written in 1st person? If not I believe it should be propaganda.

With only a population of three million spread out throughout seven cities it was uncommon to have so much military activity, but the little green-purple planet was special.

There should be a comma after cities.

Instead of its brother and sister planets in the Elexus system; Lexus and Harbourne, it didn’t completely rely on tourism and trade to keep the planet going; it relied on something greater but much more dangerous.

There should be a comma instead of a semicolon after system.

And vessels were the backbone of any space-faring empire.
And before the discovery of Conel,

Don't start sentences with and.

We kill, we rape, we plunder, and they retaliate by making the CRCP; China-Russian communism pack, then joined by Korea, Japan and India to make the Commune, known to many as the Comm.

The semicolon after CRCP should be a comma.

Damn it, the Russians were the hardcore communists of the Comm group, maybe if it were china peace negotiations would be possible.

China should be capitalized and there should be a comma before peace.

The planet had been ‘peacefully’ switching between the Commune and the MoD for years

Instead of using quotations around peacefully, use italics.

When I did she looked at me as to say, good luck.

There should be a comma after did.

I told him situation, heard him pause then say “Captain”

There should be a the before situation, a comma after say, and a period after Captain.

Show don't tell For most of the chapter, you tell the reader what is happening. Even though you do need to explain some things, you need to show through actions what is occurring too.

Proofread Many of your mistakes could had been fixed if you had proofread first. Capitalization, commas, and semicolons are all easy to change if you proofread.

Overall Overall, your story is good. If you just proofread and show instead of telling, it will be great.

I'm confused.

-Have the humans of earth taken their inter-world war out into space?
-Why is it the Royal Navy? Shouldn't it be Air Force or Space Force etc?

Despite the confusion though I did enjoy reading this beginning and I hope you write more. Will their be aliens in this story or is it world war three etc. in space?

P.s. Could you read & review my Prologue and Chapter One? ( if you enjoy reading stuff similar to what you like writing you should enjoy it!)