Averian Marie, Revised and Renewed

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Please review. Harsh critics wanted! Thank you!

Chapter One
A foreigner

Averian Marie glanced up from her books to the large bay window facing the palaces celebrated gardens. Not my view, she reminded herself, It is not my home, nor will it ever be. She heard the clock in the courtyard chime noon. It was nearly time to have her midday meal. She closed her books and meandered out the door. There was a man sauntering in the passageway. He looked at her and then strode boldly over. Midstride, he slipped on one of the many rugs lining the long corridor. She could hardly keep from giggling, as this man rode one of the rugs in front of Averian,
The stranger was stunning, even by her standards. He had sandy brown hair, and a face built for smiling. His grin was slightly crooked at the moment, and his eyes were the deepest green Averian had ever seen, like Assyriac forest pools in summer. All in all, he was a very pleasant man to look at, and obviously very kind, the greatest ruler-to-be in all of Teranad.
But Averian Marie had no interest in any foreign men at that time. In just two months time, she would be going back to her home country, were she felt she had control over the well-being of her people. “Well, I say!” the stranger exclaimed genially. “Aren't you that ambassador, from Assyrial?”
Be courteous, Averian reminded herself. It bothered her when people could not get the name of her country right. It wasn't that hard; but Averian only replied, “Why, yes, I am an ambassador here from the country of Assyriac. I have come to plead a peace treaty between our countries, in this time of civil unrest. My name is Averian Marie Genevede, ambassador, and also crown princess over Assyriac.”
“Oh, how rude of me! My name is Geran Michael, and I am crown prince of this marvelous country known as Teranad. I welcome you to our humble city.”
What Geran had described as “humble,” really did not fit the magnificent city at all. The place was a mass of turrets and towers, bridges and belfries, and a whole maze of other buildings, including spacious living mansions for the rich and privileged, and an imposing church.
Averian loved architecture, but she felt she did not have any time to explore. She had only two months time to convince a board of twenty, stubborn men that Assyriac was even important enough to treaty with. Then she would be on her way home, to were everything was familiar; every stone, tree, and face. She had just arrived, and there was so much to do!
His captivating voice started her out of her reverie. “Do you find your accommodations to your liking?” he inquired.
“Why, yes, “she answered,” I have a remarkable view of your gardens, and very accommodating servants. Over all, it is a remarkable place!”
All the while she was silently telling to herself, Of course not! The sheets are scratchy, everyone always wears dull, expressionless faces, and the food is horribly bland. I miss Assyriac. But, of course, she would never tell the prince that. It was her duty to be the gracious guest, and she would play the part correctly, or all her peace efforts would be in vain.
“Well, may I escort you to dinner, Madame Averian?”
“Well,I,” she searched for a plausible reason for a decline, but could find none,” I believe that would be a wonderful idea,” she declared. And together they walked down the passage and to the Great Hall.


Chapter 2
Negotiations

Later that day found all noble personages and important ambassadors in the castle's courtroom debating what to do about the treaty problems between Assyriac and Teranad. Averian and Geran were seated facing each other, and Averian ventured a shy smile. Geran beamed the largest grin she had ever seen in reply. It was all Averian could do to keep from laughing.
During dinner, Geran tried all the things he could think of to learn more of this curious girl. He wanted to learn what made her tick, for she seemed so different from all the other girls in Teranad. All he could find out was she had six little sisters, no brothers, she was eighteen, and her mother was widowed. This was interesting to him, for he himself had no sisters and only one little brother. He wondered so much more about this remarkable ambassador. Was she happy serving her country here in Teranad? Was she betrothed?
In the courtroom, Averian was bored stiff. She felt like she could never walk again. They had been in this room for hours, listening to the same selfish debate. There is no benefit for us, blah, blah, blah. She just wanted to be somewhere else, like the gardens. She loved flowers. But, unfortunately, this was no matter to be taken lightly. The good of a whole country depended on this. But Averian was determined to win over the nobles.

“Miss Averian, may I have a word?” Geran sauntered over to her as the meeting adjourned. “This afternoon, I will be taking riding to the lake. Would you like to accompany me?”
She felt her stiff back. She had to think about it, but she finally decided that it would be worth having a sore back for some fresh air.
“Well, I have a meeting with the prime minister and his wife in one hour, but after that, I have nothing all afternoon!”
“Wonderful! I will meet you out in the North stables, across from the clock tower, at three. I should have your ride saddled and ready to go by then. Now, I'll be counting down the seconds till it is time!” With that, they parted their two separate ways, each dreaming of a completely different afternoon.

The grand clock struck three just as Averian marched into the stables. She let her gaze wander until it finally came to rest on Geran, brushing a mighty charger. “Well, well, well, I see you have faith in my riding to saddle up such an impressive stallion for me.”
He turned to her with a sheepish smile.” Well, actually, I had intended for you to ride this one,” and with that he pointed to a docile mare passively masticating some straw, “but now I realize you would not even think of riding such a tame little fellow. I suppose we will have to suit you up with a different mount.”
He called to a short, plump, stable boy with huge, bulging eyes, a quick smile, and an accent from somewhere North East of Teranad. Geran whispered a few words to him, then the boy sprinted down a few stalls to the right horse. He led a brilliant white mare out of his stall and over to Averian.
“This otta work well for ya' Mam. We calls him Toby Tempest for the storm you get from ridin him. You best be careful, he might throw you clear off. Hold on tight now!”
She shifted her skirts, climbed on and daintily lighted, sidesaddle, of course. “Thank you very much, Sir…..”
“Oh, Angus Macdonald at your service”
“Thank you very much, Angus Macdonald, but, we best be off.” And together, Averian and Geran rode off towards the afternoon of a lifetime.
WHY SO SERIOUS- The Joker
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Hey! I thought these two little chapters were really cute - and not too long, which is also very nice! There is nothing more off-putting than an endless post!
Right, to the review. I liked the opening - somebody in a strange place. Very relateable.

Averian Marie glanced up from her books to the large bay window facing the palaces celebrated gardens. Not my view, she reminded herself, It is not my home, nor will it ever be.

I think you want to put "palace's celebrated gardens", if they are the celebrated gardens of the palace. And you want to put her thoughts here and all through this in italics (I know, it doesn't keep italics you've put in a word processor in, but it's something to think about).

It was nearly time to have her midday meal. She closed her books and meandered out the door. There was a man sauntering in the passageway. He looked at her and then strode boldly over. Midstride, he slipped on one of the many rugs lining the long corridor.

These sentences... hmm... lack a bit of gusto. They're all a bit flat - try and maybe combine two, make them longer and more interesting.

“Why, yes, “she answered,” I have a remarkable view of your gardens, and very accommodating servants. Over all, it is a remarkable place!”

This should be (and you've done this a couple of times, so be careful with speech marks and commas): "Why, yes," she answered. "I have a remarkable view of your gardens, and very accomodating servants. Overall, it is a remarkable place!"

“Well,I,” she searched for a...
You need a space here: "Well, I,"

I won't do any more picking, because a) there really isn't much more, and b) because it's mostly just repeating some pinickity stuff I've already pointed out.

Some advice: your male main character, Geran, seems a little - dare I say it - cheesy? He seems a little too gutsy and forward. Maybe make him a little more reserved and mysterious.
Other than that, I loved it! Keep on with this! ~*x*~
Here's a story of a brother by the name of Othello,
He liked white women and he liked - green jello... - Reduced Shakespeare Company




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This is a good start. It leaves many questions unanswered and so draws the reader in. However i have some comments.
Firstly:
Not my view, she reminded herself, It is not my home,

Would it not be better to say ' This is not my home.'? Only a suggestion. I believe it is the writers choice and i only suggest.




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Heya there!

She could hardly keep from giggling, as this man rode one of the rugs in front of Averian,


I would reword this to say something like: She could hardly keep from giggling as the man rode the rug in front of her.

And together they walked down the passage and to the Great Hall.


Nix the and. It makes the whole sentence rather telly.

Later that day found all noble personages and important ambassadors in the castle's courtroom debating what to do about the treaty problems between Assyriac and Teranad


What are the problems between the two countries? You seemed to have skipped that part ^_^ Don't leave your reader in the dark for too long.

And together, Averian and Geran rode off towards the afternoon of a lifetime.


This is almost how you ended the first chapter. And together, blah, blah, blah. Make it not so telly, dear.

~~~~~~~

This is a nice little story you have going here. I like where it's going. But there are a few things I'd like to point out.

~It's rather telly in places. You should show your reader what your characters are doing for it feels like you are telling us what's happening.

~You could afford to use a little more description throughout this to make it more realistic. Give the castle (?) some life and even the gardens, court, and stables more.'

~There isn't much character development in this piece. We only know that the MC doesn't like being in this country and such and such. Give her some more personality. What does she look like? I agree with cottonrulz with the male character here. He seems needy and cheesy. Give him something different that your reader can identify with. Make him mysterious or even creepy.

Overall, a very enjoyable story. Keep at it. Just work a bit on those things I mentioned above ;)

PM if you have any questions & when the next part is up.

Happy Writing!

Meadow
Purple light in the canyon
that is where I long to be
With my three good companions
just my rifle, pony and me

--- "My Rifle My Pony and Me"




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Hey Averian!! [hope I spelled that correctly], i
I just wanted to say this story is awesome!! Loved what you did with it now, though it was good in the begining too- this is still better. You had a few tiny spelling mistakes like, were instead of where, or something like that, but I'm sure everybody else already pointed that out. Other than that, you did a brilliant job in my opinion, only one small thing of this comment is an actual suggestion; you wrote 'and they walked on together...' or something of the sort during each ending, which in my opinion is too close. You can change that to some other sentence and then you'd be completely fine in my opinion! PM me when next chapter comes out!!
Have a good day\night!! Keep on writting!
ofir
"if you were waiting for the opportune moment... that was it." - Captain Jack Sparrow




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Let the Review begin!

Chapter One

A foreigner Underline or bold titles.


Averian Marie glanced up from her books to the large bay window facing the palaces celebrated gardens. Not my view, she reminded herself, It is not my home, nor will it ever be. She heard the clock in the courtyard chime noon. It was nearly time to have her midday meal. She closed her books and meandered out the door. There was a man [s]sauntering[/s] This doesn't fit your descriptions of Geran in the passageway. He looked at her and then strode boldly over. Midstride, he slipped on one of the many rugs lining the long corridor. She could hardly keep from giggling, as this man rode one of the rugs in front of Averian,No comma, just a period.

The stranger was stunning, even by her standards. He had sandy brown hair, and a face built for smiling. His grin was slightly crooked at the moment, and his eyes were the deepest green Averian had ever seen, like Assyriac forest pools in summer. All in all, he was a very [s]pleasant[/s] This doesn't fit Averian's personality. man to look at, and obviously very kind, the greatest ruler-to-be in all of Teranad.

But Averian Marie had no interest in any foreign men at that time. In just two months time, she would be going back to her home country, were she felt she had control over the well-being of her people. “Well, I say!” the stranger exclaimed genially. “Aren't you that ambassador, from Assyrial?”

Be courteous, Averian reminded herself. It bothered her when people could not get the name of her country right. It wasn't that hard; but Averian only replied, “Why, yes, I am an ambassador here from the country of Assyriac. Italicize for emphasis. I have come to plead a peace treaty between our countries, in this time of civil unrest. My name is Averian Marie Genevede, ambassador, and also crown princess over Assyriac.”

“Oh, how rude of me! My name is Geran Michael, and I am crown prince of this marvelous country known as Teranad. I welcome you to our humble city.”

What Geran had described as “humble,” really did not fit the magnificent city at all. The place was a mass of turrets and towers, bridges and belfries, and a whole maze of other buildings, including spacious living mansions for the rich and privileged, and an imposing church.

Averian loved architecture, but she felt she did not have any time to explore. She had only two months time to convince a board of twenty, stubborn men that Assyriac was even important enough to treaty with. Then she would be on her way home, to were everything was familiar; every stone, tree, and face. She had just arrived, and there was so much to do!

His captivating voice started her out of her reverie. “Do you find your accommodations to your liking?” he inquired.

“Why, yes, “she answered,” I have a remarkable view of your gardens, and very accommodating servants. Over all, it is a remarkable place!”

All the while she was silently telling to herself, Of course not! The sheets are scratchy, everyone always wears dull, expressionless faces, and the food is horribly bland. I miss Assyriac. But, of course, she would never tell the prince that. It was her duty to be the gracious guest, and she would play the part correctly, or all her peace efforts would be in vain.

“Well, may I escort you to dinner, Madame Averian?”

“Well,I,” she searched for a plausible reason for a decline, but could find none,” I believe that would be a wonderful idea,” she declared. And together they walked down the passage and to the Great Hall.



Chapter 2

Negotiations


Later that day found all noble personages and important ambassadors in the castle's courtroom debating what to do about the treaty problems between Assyriac and Teranad. Averian and Geran were seated facing each other, and Averian ventured a shy smile. Geran beamed the largest grin she had ever seen in reply. It was all Averian could do to keep from laughing.

During dinner, Geran tried all the things he could think of to learn more of this curious girl. He wanted to learn what made her tick, for she seemed so different from all the other girls in Teranad. All he could find out was she had six little sisters, no brothers, she was eighteen, and her mother was widowed. This was interesting to him, for he himself had no sisters and only one little brother. He wondered so much more about this remarkable ambassador. Was she happy serving her country here in Teranad? Was she betrothed?

In the courtroom, Averian was bored stiff. She felt like she could never walk again. They had been in this room for hours, listening to the same selfish debate. There is no benefit for us, blah, blah, blah. She just wanted to be somewhere else, like the gardens. She loved flowers. But, unfortunately, this was no matter to be taken lightly. The good of a whole country depended on this. But Averian was determined to win over the nobles.


“Miss Averian, may I have a word?” Geran sauntered over to her as the meeting adjourned. “This afternoon, I will be taking riding to the lake. Would you like to accompany me?”

She felt her stiff back. She had to think about it, but she finally decided that it would be worth having a sore back for some fresh air.

“Well, I have a meeting with the prime minister and his wife in one hour, but after that, I have nothing all afternoon!”

“Wonderful! I will meet you out in the North stables, across from the clock tower, at three. I should have your ride saddled and ready to go by then. Now, I'll be counting down the seconds till it is time!” With that, they parted their two separate ways, each dreaming of a completely different afternoon.


The grand clock struck three just as Averian marched into the stables. She let her gaze wander until it finally came to rest on Geran, brushing a mighty charger. “Well, well, well, I see you have faith in my riding to saddle up such an impressive stallion for me.”

He turned to her with a sheepish smile.” Well, actually, I had intended for you to ride this one,” and with that he pointed to a docile mare passively masticating some straw, “but now I realize you would not even think of riding such a tame little fellow. I suppose we will have to suit you up with a different mount.”

He called to a short, plump, stable boy with huge, bulging eyes, a quick smile, and an accent from somewhere North East of Teranad. Geran whispered a few words to him, then the boy sprinted down a few stalls to the right horse. He led a brilliant white mare out of his stall and over to Averian.

“This otta work well for ya' Mam. We calls him Toby Tempest for the storm you get from ridin him. You best be careful, he might throw you clear off. Hold on tight now!”

She shifted her skirts, climbed on and daintily lighted, sidesaddle, of course. “Thank you very much, Sir…..”

“Oh, Angus Macdonald at your service”

“Thank you very much, Angus Macdonald, but, we best be off.” And together, Averian and Geran rode off towards the afternoon of a lifetime.


All in all, I really liked it! Keep writing it, and PM me if you ever need an extra review! :D
Some say the written word is dead, and only spoken can it be made alive. But, when you read, is the story dead? Are the characters just ink? No, it is something more. The written word is what worlds are made of. If you don't believe me, read a book.



The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.
— H. L. Mencken