TDotDLT

Hello there! Here is my current pet project, The Death of the Dark Lord Thirilight, which is a comedic fantasy parody. I currently have 7 of 30ish chapters written, so there's a long ways to go yet. XD

As this is the first draft, concrit is much loved. :3

-=-=-=-

The Death of the Dark Lord Thirilight

or

Lethal Granny

The world went reeling as Denceress pierced me with her wicked sword. The moment she withdrew her blade, I fell limply to the ground. Oddly enough, nothing hurt.

As I lay on my back in the bloody grass, which was a very pretty red, by the way, I could not help but notice the triumphant gleam in the heroine's eyes. Her cheeks flushed a victorious shade of blushing pink and--

What the hell is wrong with me?!

Oh. Right. Dying. I wonder if everyone's mind wanders as much when they're bleeding to death. It seems the whole vision going dark thing is true, though.

Blink.

No, wait. Just forgot to blink. Hm... Staring at the sun is bad for the vision.

"Are you sure he's dead?"

... Are you talking about me?

"Of course. I struck him down with my magical sword. Besides, no one could have survived being stabbed in the liver."

Oh dear. My poor liver.

"I saw him blink not too long ago."

Uh-oh...

Kick.

Ha-ha! No reaction from me because I can't feel anything! Shock does have it's uses.

"Yup, he's dead."

Psh. Not yet I'm not.

"Still, it never hurts to make sure..."

Just keep staring. Just keep sta-- What? Oh crap.

-=-=-=-

From behind a clump of bushes, a shadowy figure watched the terrible scene unfold. They watched as Thirilight, pierced through the abdomen by the loud girl's magicked blade, fell limply to the forest floor and did not rise. They watched as the little girl proclaimed her victory and kicked Thirilight's unmoving body. They watched as the girl's companion, unsatisfied with the gut wound, poised his sword above Thirilight's heart.

They watched, and then they acted.

-=-=-=-

"Thirry, dearest, have you found those flowers ye..." A little old lady, gray-haired and wizened, fought through a clump of bushes, halting, speechless, at the sight of the dead villain.

"Fear not, grandmother!" I begin, construing her pause to consternation. "Yon vile villain lies vanquished and will trouble you no further!" I proclaim, grandly, certain that the kind old soul will weep in gratitude and gladness.

Instead, she runs over to the body, screeching.

"Thirry! Thirry! Oh, gods, Thirry!" Once at the dead villain's side, she gently cradles his head in her arms and rocks back and forth, moaning and weeping. "Oh gods, oh gods! Not my only grandson! Not my beloved grandchild!" She carries on like this for quite some time, and I begin to wonder if we killed the right man after all...

Thomas is still standing there, uncertain, his sword poised above the villain's heart, when the grieving grandmother explodes in maternal rage.

"You! You killed him! You killed my grandson!" she raves, her wiry frame quivering with the force of her fury. An aura of power gathers around the grandmother, and the trees shudder in wary anticipation.

Oh crap. We just pissed off the local hedge witch.

Thomas hurriedly backs away as the ground shakes and heaves. As the aura of magic grows thicker about the old woman, he flees to the cover of the trees, shouting, "She did it!" while pointing straight at me. The coward.

Shortly thereafter, a tree, ancient and gnarled, came toppling down upon my spineless companion. Poetic justice.

The death of my traitorous travel partner results in the hedge witch plying her full attention on me, but I am not worried. The Amulet of Baellyne protects me from all magical attacks, and her strikes, though strengthened by rage, are no match for the Amulet's enchantments. Eventually, she tires and collapses to her knees, sobbing her withered old heart out.

As a heroine must ever be compassionate, I approach the weeping woman, kneeling down to her level and embracing her. After a moment's hesitation, she returns the embrace, and I meet her eyes with my well-practiced sorrowful gaze.

Her eyes are the only lively things upon her visage, sea-gray and bottomless with untold years of sorrow. Drowning in their unfathomable depths, it takes me a moment to realize that I am, quite literally, in the physical sense, drowning.

I try to look away, but I cannot! I realize with detached and growing horror that when she wrapped her arms around my shoulders, she unfastened the Amulet from my neck, leaving me vulnerable to magical attack.

No! No! I cannot die! Not yet! Not here! I have a kingdom to rule! A people to redeem! A crown and jewels to claim!

Her eyes, her hypnotic, fathomless eyes, heedless of my sacred mission, draw me further down into the depths of the seas where life and light are forsaken, and I am utterly helpless to halt it. I am drawn ever down, down, down to the deeps of the oceans, and Death's embrace greedily flings forth to enfold me.

But it wasn't supposed to end this way...

Hello! I'm Soul and I shall be your reviewer today!

Very good so far! I haven't seen anything that made me go, "Oh my gosh! FIX THAT NOOW!!" So. Good job with the grammer (and everything else)!
Let's see...What else can I find? I'm not entirely sure, actually. Your piece was very good, and I enjoyed it quite a bit. I can't wait for the next chapter! *ahem* ANYway, back to my review.
I especially enjoyed this bit right here:

Oh dear. My poor liver.

It totally reminds me of something from Monty Python or Mel Brooks!
I really don't think there's anything else I can tell you. Oh. Wait, I just had an afterthought. Not sure if it's useful though.
Okay, this part here.

Shortly thereafter, a tree, ancient and gnarled, came toppling down upon my spineless companion. Poetic justice.

I think you should nix the comma before 'tree', but that's it. I love the part about "Poetic justice", by the way.

Overall: Great piece, definately made me laugh! One thing though. Maybe put a little more in about the characters. Though, I suppose that that could just be waiting until next time. If that's the case, then never mind.

PM me if you have any questions or once the next part's out!

~SOUL~

Hi there! I've dropped by to give you a hand with this story, since you did the same with me yesterday.

This seems to be a well put together story. I liked the part where Thirilight is talking after being stabbed. It was rather interesting. However, that was the only part that I found funny. The rest of it just seemed to be a rather cliche example of a fantasy story. This might be a result of an overuse of adjectives. You might also consider reading other fantasy humor. The Xanth Chronicles by Piers Anthony would be a good read.

Also, you may consider trying to stick with one viewpoint character. As it was, you were jumping from the Dark Lord's viewpoint, to third person narration, to the viewpoint of the Dark Lord's attacker, at least that's how it seemed to me. I was getting kinda motion sick, if you know what I mean. Consider anchoring us with one character and allowing us to get to know him/her. Even in humor, that's important.

Sorry I can't be more helpful. PM me if you want to scream at me or if you have any more questions. Good job, and good luck.

Hi I found this really well written! It made me laugh too

The world went reeling as Denceress pierced me with her wicked sword.

Instead of just 'the world went reeling' I'd maybe say something like 'the world was sent reeling' or 'my view of the world was sent reeling' as I'm not that keen on using went

As I lay on my back in the bloody grass, which was a very pretty red, by the way, I could not help but notice the triumphant gleam in the heroine's eyes.

I'd maybe separate 'which was a very pretty red, by the way' with dashes on either side instead of comma's so its a bit apart from the sentence like a side note.

"Of course. I struck him down with my magical sword.

I'm not sure why the emphasis is on 'I' here, i think it might work well on 'magical' instead, unless the emphasis is because the other character was too cowardly to do so themselves in which case I might add a little something on the end like 'I'm no coward unlike some people I could mention' or something along those lines to explain further.

A little old lady, gray-haired and wizened, fought through a clump of bushes, halting, speechless, at the sight of the dead villain.

As the halting happens after she fought her way through the bushes, I'd maybe add 'then' or 'quickly' or something similar before halting.

I begin, construing her pause to consternation.

I'm not sure if it should be 'to consternation' or 'for consternation.'

I am drawn ever down, down, down to the deeps of the oceans,

'deeps' might sound better than 'depths' here.

Overall: I have been very picky to find these nitpicks, I have to say this is a brilliant piece of writing! I mainly wanted to comment because I enjoyed it quite a lot and thought I would point out what I could- which turns out is not much. All my comments are just suggestions so you don't have to listen to me if you think something else

I think it is a little bit confusing when you switch perspectives, not the first time but the second as I would have thought it would switch back to the person lying on the floor. I think you could make clearer from the beginning who's view we are seeing the scene from, perhaps mentioning something about her position over standing over the body from early on or the old lady looking up in shock at them. There is not a lot of description on the characters so far but I'm not sure if there needs to be, maybe a little on the 'dead' body would be good from the perspective of the heroine but that's completely optional.

When the old lady is casting spells on the heroine, I think it might be good to show what these look like- for instance flashes of colours or her making wild gesticulations and curses to show the effort she is exerting.

Over all really great! Hope I've helped and PM me when the next part is out! *star*

This chapter really needs help. ._. I don't know what I was thinking with some of the stuff I did...

At least from Chapter 3 onwards, the viewpoint stops bouncing around like an island-hopping tourist on crack. XD

-=-=-=-

A Race Against Time

or

Bored Unto Death

Serena watched impassively as Denceress drowned. The old woman idly fingered the Amulet of Baellyne as she waited for the girl to die, her attention divided between channeling the waters of the Maire, scanning the clearing for danger, and planning what to do next in addition to keeping a weather eye on the obnoxious heroine.

After confirming that the girl was good and dead and her companion safely squashed beneath the tree, Serena hurried over to where Thirilight lay, a bloodstained daisy bobbing just above his forehead.

Miraculously, the boy was still alive, though his pulse was faint and his breathing slight. He would not last much longer without intensive medical care, Serena ascertained, stowing the Amulet in a hidden pocket for future study.

The sea witch carefully congealed the blood within the wound before hoisting Thirilight over her shoulders. She made sure to settle the boy so that his wound would not reopen before beginning the long, slow walk back to Highcliffe.

-=-=-=-

...

Okay, where am I? The last thing I remember was this crazy girl with a humongous sword stabbing me in the liver and then...

Oh...

Crap. I'm dead, aren't I?

-=-=-=-

"Morgen!"

A man, mid-thirtyish and with seal-grey hair, jerked awake. He sat on the bench, blinking blearily around the courtyard before catching sight of Serena and her burden. Immediately he was on his feet and rushing towards the old woman, quickly taking charge of Thirilight's unmoving form.

"What happened?"

"Not right now," Serena said, massaging an aching shoulder. "Bring Thirry up to his room. I'm going to fetch Sabrina."

"Right." Morgen promptly headed for an open door, Thirilight cradled in his arms.

Just as Morgen had passed through the doorway, Serena called after him, "And be careful not to reopen his wound!"

"Right, right," Morgen muttered as he shifted Thirilight into a more comfortable hold before running up a flight of stairs.

-=-=-=-

Thumb-twiddle.

So, Death...

Very boring, aren't you?

I don't see why everyone fears you so much. There's nothing scary here at all.

Come to think of it, there isn't much of anything here at all...

-=-=-=-

Stairs are evil, Morgen concluded, not for the first time, and not for the last. As he finally breasted the last stair, the exhausted man breathed a sigh of relief. Carrying people around was no easy task, and, despite his slight build, Thirilight was heavy. Morgen supposed it was all those magical talismans the boy was fond of wearing.

Not that the talismans were any help today.

From the stairwell, it was just a short walk to Thirilight's room, for which Morgen was grateful. Unfortunately, when Morgen tried the door, he found it locked. With an impatient roll of his eyes (he just wanted everything to be over with so he could go back to sleep), Morgen carefully leaned Thirilight against a wall and set to sniffing out a way to unlock the door.

A few minutes and several sneezes later, Morgen was rummaging through Thirilight's pockets for the door key. Charms of all sort littered the floor as the grey-haired man sifted through pocket after bottomless pocket crammed with enchanted objects of every sort. There was even a pair of bespelled socks, and Morgen, for the life of him, could not figure out why anyone would want magical footwear that kept one's feet dry.

But, no matter. Morgen eventually located the key on a cord around Thirilight's neck; the most logical location, Morgen admitted as he mentally berated himself for wasting so much time and effort on locating a key.

Speaking of keys, the one he held in hand was plain and unremarkable, spelled simply to unlock its intended door. It was not at all what Morgen had expected to find, as obsessed with magical trinkets Thirilight was. Nevertheless, with a shrug, Morgen unlocked the door and opened it to reveal Thirilight's room.

The room was actually a suite composed of a parlor, walk-in closet, bathing room, and the bedroom. All were large and spacious, though the bedroom was particularly nice with its spectacular ocean view courtesy the open-air balcony and wide glass doors. The bed also looked exceptionally comfortable with it's plush feather pillows and fine linen spread.

Morgen concluded that, though the room was very nice and was no doubt an object of envy among the other villains, his own room was far nicer.

With his appraisal complete and no danger detected, Morgen carried Thirilight to the bed and carefully tucked the young man in. After closing and relocking the door, Morgen rechecked the suite for danger. Finding none, and sorely tempted by the softness of the pillows, Morgen settled down next to his charge for a well-earned nap on the gloriously comfy bed.

-=-=-=-

Bored.

Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored.

Seriously, what do dead people do all day? Just drift around in this endless expanse of gray? (Hey, that rhymed!)

Bo~ring!

There has to be more to death than this, right?

...

Right?

-=-=-=-

"And be careful not to reopen his wound!" Serena called after Morgen before she hurried off to the stables. Moments later, she was mounted on the swiftest kelpie and galloping towards a specific cottage which stood alone in the forest.

A quarter hour later found the sea witch pounding on Sabrina's front door. Beside her, the kelpie heaved for breath, its flanks dotted with foam.

Serena waited impatiently for half a minute. Just as she was preparing to break down the door, it opened to reveal a tired old woman identical in appearance to Serena but for the obvious presence of laugh lines.

"Serena!" Sabrina frowned, concerned. "What's wrong?"

"It's Thirry. He's been stabbed in the liver. There isn't much time..." Serena fidgeted, unable to stand still in her worry.

Her twin dashed inside the cottage, quickly gathering the necessary supplies, inquiring as she went, "How bad?"

"Very."

Sabrina soon emerged from the cottage, a basket of bandages in one hand and a broom in the other. "Get on," she ordered her sister when she had straddled the broom. Serena quickly complied.

As the pair took flight, Serena sent a silent prayer to the sun-stained heavens, for Thirry's sake.

-=-=-=-

Death, you suck. Badly.

I hate you.

...

... ...

...

Okay, seriously, Death, the least you could do is respond! I just– Is that a light I see? It's so bright and shiny...

And it's getting bigger...

Woah. Wait a second. It's not getting bigger; it's coming closer!

Holy shit! It's huge! And fast!

Runaway!!!

-=-=-=-

He awoke with a great big sneeze. Something in the room was using magic, and not the pleasant kind, at that. It took Morgen a moment to realize that the stench was coming from Thirilight's wound. It was another moment still before Morgen caught the scent of blood, so heavily was it obscured by the odor of black magic.

Morgen tore off the blankets to find that Thirilight's wound had not only reopened, it had widened and was now oozing thick black gore. Blood stained the linens and soaked through the sheets, into the mattress. Now was not the time to mourn their ruin, Morgen acknowledged as he tried to staunch the blood-flow with already-stained linens. There would be time to properly mourn the bed's sullying later.

At the moment, though, Morgen busied himself with keeping Thirilight from bleeding out completely and trying to get a hold of Serena. He reached out with a stream of thought, scanning the route the sea witch must have taken and found her high in the air, much closer to the castle than he had expected.

"Serena!" he shaped, hints of panic tingeing his message. "The wound reopened and widened, and it reeks of black magic!"

Serena's mind was a whirl of frantic color, and Morgen supposed she was violently cursing right about now. "We're almost there," came her reply, harried, weary, and worry all blended together in her tone.

"Hurry." Morgen slipped an extra sense of urgency into his message before retracting the mind-contact and turning his full attentions to keeping Thirilight alive.

-=-=-=-

Thrashflailpanic.

Aieee!!!

It's trying to eat me!

-=-=-=-

They swept through the open balcony doors and alighted at the foot of Thirilight's bed. Serena quickly clambered off the broom and rushed to make way for her sister.

Sabrina strode to Thirilight's bedside and quickly assessed the wound. With a sigh and a shake of her head, Sabrina discarded the bandages in favor of placing her hands directly upon the gaping hole in the boy's abdomen.

As Serena watched, anxiously, a warm glow appeared beneath her sister's hands and the wound slowly began to close. This method of healing took a very visible toll on Sabrina, however, and in a very short time, the healer grew paler, the wrinkles on her face becoming more pronounced.

"How is he?" Serena asked once the wound had fully closed and Sabrina had had a moment to recover.

"He doesn't smell dead," Morgen commented, "but neither does he smell alive..."

"He's right on the threshold," Sabrina, leaning heavily on the bed, explained. "Death's got a good hold on him, and it's not going to let go easily."

Serena looked lost. "So what can we do?"

"There's nothing we can do, other than wait and see. It's all up to him, now," Sabrina replied, gazing at the prone form on the bed.

Serena closed her eyes. "Gods have mercy."

-=-=-=-

Ow!

Ow ow ow ow ow ow ouch!

I'm sorry, Death! I'm sorry! (Ow!) I'll never call you boring or sucky again! (Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!)

I don't really hate you, (My spine!) so please, please! (Oh gods!), stop using me for tug-of-war!

The light ball's hold on my legs suddenly breaks, and I'm flung into the still-tugging sphere of darkness.

Thank you!

Swallowedbyblackness.

Ello! It looks like your in need of a review! So here I go.

This chapter really needs help. ._. I don't know what I was thinking with some of the stuff I did...

At least from Chapter 3 onwards, the viewpoint stops bouncing around like an island-hopping tourist on crack. XD

I like little notes about chapters but there better off at the end. This is so you don't draw away from the first line which is oh so important.


-=-=-=-

A Race Against Time

or

Bored Unto Death

This is the chapter title I'm guessing? Pick one please. I like the second.

Serena watched impassively as Denceress drowned. The old woman idly fingered the Amulet of Baellyne as she waited for the girl to die, her attention divided between channeling the waters of the Maire, scanning the clearing for danger, and planning what to do next in addition to keeping a weather eye on the obnoxious heroine.

Okay, so this is a nice opening for a chapter but I think you should change some of the commas to periods. This is a somewhat fast paced chapter (there trying to save Thirilight!) and shorter sentences make for faster paces. Also, The last line he obnoxious heroine, I think you should change because it seems like the author is speaking here. Just pick a different word to describe her.

After confirming that the girl was good and dead and her companion safely squashed beneath the tree, Serena hurried over to where Thirilight lay, a bloodstained daisy bobbing just above his forehead.

and her companion was safely squashed? Ummm.. Hmmm... I'm pretty sure it's impossible to be safely squashed. You can be inescapably squashed perhaps. Maybe change Serena hurried over to where Thirilight lay, a bloodstained daisy bobbing just above his forehead tto Serena hurried over to where Thirilight lay, his forehead rubbing against a bloodstained daisy. I really like that line though .

Miraculously, the boy was still alive, though his pulse was faint and his breathing slight. He would not last much longer without intensive medical care, Serena ascertained, stowing the Amulet in a hidden pocket for future study.

Miraculously? Such a big word, I had to slow down to read it. Find a different word. make the comma after alive a peroid. Add something else after intensive medical care like and Sabrina was very far off. Something to highten the drama. Make the comma after ascertained a as she stowed. this is nice though, it keeps to fast pace pretty well.

The sea witch carefully congealed the blood within the wound before hoisting Thirilight over her shoulders. She made sure to settle the boy so that his wound would not reopen before beginning the long, slow walk back to Highcliffe. Then, The sea witch did such and such It sounds like she's putting the Amulet in her pocket the same time that she hoists Thrilly up. Which sound pretty darn difficult to me. not reopen again.


=-=-=-

...

Okay, where am I? The last thing I remember was this crazy girl with a humongous sword stabbing me in the liver and then...

Oh...

Crap. I'm dead, aren't I?

Okay, so you know switched over to 1st person pov? I wouldn't. Since I haven't read the other chapters I not to sure when this is set but it doesn't seem like right now. So take the words crap and crazy out of there. Choose something like insane and another curse word he could say . Don't specify where he got stabbed because unless he looked down and saw the the wound like right about in that location-- and he obviously didn't because it wasn't awake!-- then he wouldn't know.

-=-=-=-

"Morgen!"

A man, mid-thirtyish and with seal-grey hair, jerked awake. He sat on the bench, blinking blearily around the courtyard before catching sight of Serena and her burden. Immediately he was on his feet and rushing towards the old woman, quickly taking charge of Thirilight's unmoving figure.

How in the heck did Serena get to the courtyard? When she was carry thirilight, a boy that Morgen-- a nicely built man-- can't even get up a couple of stairs? She must be a Super old lady. This is good bedsides that.

"What happened?"

"Not right now," Serena said, massaging an aching shoulder. "Bring Thirry up to his room. I'm going to fetch Sabrina."

"Right." Morgen promptly headed for an open door, Thirilight cradled in his arms.

Just as Morgen had passed through the doorway, Serena called after him, "And be careful not to reopen his wound!"

"Right, right," Morgen muttered as he shifted Thirilight into a more comfortable hold before running up a flight of stairs.

Good dialogue! It keeps up with the pace. Again, All Serena got from carry Thirry who knows how far was a aching shoulder? Change Bring to Take. Put Serena called after him before Just as Morgen had passed through the doorway. He ran up a flight of stairs? In the next scene you make it sound like he was trudging up them with difficulty. Which he is but if he finds taking Thirry difficult then, he shouldn't be able to start out running.


-=-=-=-

Thumb-twiddle.

So, Death...

Very boring, aren't you?

I don't see why everyone fears you so much. There's nothing scary here at all.

Come to think of it, there isn't much of anything here at all...

Thumb-twiddle? Oh! he's twiddling his thumbs. It only took me seven reads to get that. Erase the Here at all in the last sentence and just leave the here.

-=-=-=-

Stairs are evil, Morgen concluded, not for the first time, and not for the last. As he finally breasted the last stair, the exhausted man breathed a sigh of relief. Carrying people around was no easy task, and, despite his slight build, Thirilight was []heavy[/i]. Morgen supposed it was all those magical talismans the boy was fond of wearing.

Not that the talismans were any help today.

and breathed a sigh of relief as only a exhausted man could. Your italics on heavy didn't work but that's alright. Hahahahaha! I quite like Morgen.



Okay, well. This is a very long chapter that does hop around like a tourist on crack. Though it is a nice chapter and I am going to go back and read the first two so I understand it better. Sadly I can't review it all right now! So I will come back review that rest in like.... ten minutes. Promise! I love it even though it sounds like I don't.

Okay, here is the rest of the review!

From the stairwell, it was just a short walk to Thirilight's room, for which Morgen was grateful. Unfortunately, when Morgen tried the door, he found it locked. With an impatient roll of his eyes (he just wanted everything to be over with so he could go back to sleep), Morgen carefully leaned Thirilight against a wall and set to sniffing out a way to unlock the door.

But unfortunately, his luck stopped there. When Morgen tried the door, he found it to be locked. Try it like that. Erase the (he just wanted everything to be over with so he could go back to sleep.) his mood pretty much tells us that. Change the last part out Morgen sniffing a way to open the door. Specify that he is looking for a key and not just a big 2 by 4 plank to knock the door down with.

A few minutes and several sneezes later, Morgen was rummaging through Thirilight's pockets for the door key. Charms of all sort littered the floor as the grey-haired man sifted through pocket after bottomless pocket crammed with enchanted objects of every sort. There was even a pair of be-spelled socks, and Morgen, for the life of him, could not figure out why anyone would want magical footwear that kept one's feet dry.

What is he sneezing about? Does he have a cold? Of all sorts had been used way to many times, try something different. So has every sort. Haha, be-spelled socks. I want some!

But, no matter. Morgen eventually located the key on a cord around Thirilight's neck; the most logical location, Morgen admitted as he mentally berated himself for wasting so much time and effort on locating a key.

Erase the but in the beginning.Change the ; to a . and put quotation marks around the most logical location since that is what Morgen is thinking. Wasting so much time and effort on locating a key when he could of just used a 2 by 4 to knock the darn door down in the first place. Sorry, I just had to write this

Speaking of keys, the one he held in hand was plain and unremarkable, spelled simply to unlock its intended door. It was not at all what Morgen had expected to find, as obsessed with magical trinkets Thirilight was. Nevertheless, with a shrug, Morgen unlocked the door and opened it to reveal Thirilight's room.

Erase Speaking of keys.
I cannot stand for the life of me when someone uses that phase. It's way to over used. Erase reveal. Again, over used.

The room was actually a suite composed of a parlor, walk-in closet, bathing room, and the bedroom. All were large and spacious, though the bedroom was particularly nice with its spectacular ocean view courtesy the open-air balcony and wide glass doors. The bed also looked exceptionally comfortable with it's plush feather pillows and fine linen spread.

Thirilight is dying and your describing his room. Not the first thing you should focus on.

Morgen concluded that, though the room was very nice and was no doubt an object of envy among the other villains, his own room was far nicer.

Again, Someone is dying here! We don't want to know that Morgen thinks his room is better!

With his appraisal complete and no danger detected, Morgen carried Thirilight to the bed and carefully tucked the young man in. After closing and re locking the door, Morgen rechecked the suite for danger. Finding none, and sorely tempted by the softness of the pillows, Morgen settled down next to his charge for a well-earned nap on the gloriously comfy bed.

Erase with his appraisal complete and no danger detected. He wasn't looking for danger in the first place just comparing his silk sheets . Is he laying next to Thirry or on another bed?

-=-=-=-

Bored.

Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored.

Seriously, what do dead people do all day? Just drift around in this endless expanse of gray? (Hey, that rhymed!)

Bo~ring!

There has to be more to death than this, right?

...

Right?

Okay, way to many bored's! Also, the (Hey, that rhymed!) should be gone. It sounds like you talking which it may be and you can only do that in fanficiton.

-=-=-=-

"And be careful not to reopen his wound!" Serena called after Morgen before she hurried off to the stables. Moments later, she was mounted on the swiftest kelpie and galloping towards a specific cottage which stood alone in the forest.

On the swifted kelpie she could find in the stables perhaps. I love this! Riding on a kelpie, I wanna! Erase specific.

A quarter hour later found the sea witch pounding on Sabrina's front door. Beside her, the kelpie heaved for breath, its flanks dotted with foam.

Wait, wait, wait! you said she was going to a cottage in the forest! Not by the sea! I like the sea better because I got a little scared that the kelpie was so close to the water with someone on it's back. I dunno, I think it add suspense. but ti's your choice. Forest or sea, pick one please.

Serena waited impatiently for half a minute. Just as she was preparing to break down the door, it opened to reveal a tired old woman identical in appearance to Serena but for the obvious presence of laugh lines.

Erase for half a minute. She waited for a little while. we don't need that much detail here. You like opening doors to reveal things don't you?

"Serena!" Sabrina frowned, concerned. "What's wrong?"

"It's Thirry. He's been stabbed in the liver. There isn't much time..." Serena fidgeted, unable to stand still in her worry.

Her twin dashed inside the cottage, quickly gathering the necessary supplies, inquiring as she went, "How bad?"

"Very."

Sabrina soon emerged from the cottage, a basket of bandages in one hand and a broom in the other. "Get on," she ordered her sister when she had straddled the broom. Serena quickly complied.

As the pair took flight, Serena sent a silent prayer to the sun-stained heavens, for Thirry's sake.

At the beginning you should tell why Sabrina-- love the name!-- asks this question. does she see something on Serena's face that leads her to believe something is wrong? Her twin leaves her out in the cold? She could at least step in for a while as Sabrina gets her supplies. I though it was night. The heavens wouldn't be stained with sun if it was. I like that details though. What happened to the kelpie if they both rode off into the sky on a broomstick?
-=-=-=-

Death, you suck. Badly.

I hate you.
...

... ...

...

Okay, seriously, Death, the least you could do is respond! I just– Is that a light I see? It's so bright and shiny...

And it's getting bigger...

Whoa. Wait a second. It's not getting bigger; it's coming closer!

Holy shit! It's huge! And fast!

Runaway!!!

The periods after I hate you should only be three not 12. If you must have thirry see a light--sigh-- then describe it using other words besides bright and shiny. Way way way over used and you want to be unique! *clears throat awkwardly* holy shit? Why not use something more umm... more kid friendly . Maybe Holy Pin Cushions!

-=-=-=-

He awoke with a great big sneeze. Something in the room was using magic, and not the pleasant kind, at that. It took Morgen a moment to realize that the stench was coming from Thirilight's wound. It was another moment still before Morgen caught the scent of blood, so heavily was it obscured by the odor of black magic.

Morgen must have a cold! Or allergies. I would like to know. Eraseat that

Morgen tore off the blankets to find that Thirilight's wound had not only reopened, it had widened and was now oozing thick black gore. Blood stained the linens and soaked through the sheets, into the mattress. Now was not the time to mourn their ruin, Morgen acknowledged as he tried to staunch the blood-flow with already-stained linens. There would be time to properly mourn the bed's sullying later.

okay, Ewwww..... But nicely described. That good that you made me cringe at how disgusting it is. Though, you know, you wouldn't want to go make people sick.... Morgen is mourning sheets? When someone is dying. how shallow of him.

At the moment, though, Morgen busied himself with keeping Thirilight from bleeding out completely and trying to get a hold of Serena. He reached out with a stream of thought, scanning the route the sea witch must have taken and found her high in the air, much closer to the castle than he had expected.

Change at the moment to right now.

"Serena!" he shaped, hints of panic tingeing his message. "The wound reopened and widened, and it reeks of black magic!"

he shaped? Do you mean snapped? Use italics to show that he is speaking with his mind.

Serena's mind was a whirl of frantic color, and Morgen supposed she was violently cursing right about now. "We're almost there," came her reply, harried, weary, and worry all blended together in her tone

good. nothing to edit here

"Hurry." Morgen slipped an extra sense of urgency into his message before retracting the mind-contact and turning his full attentions to keeping Thirilight alive.

or here! yay!

-=-=-=-

Thrashflailpanic.

Aieee!!!

It's trying to eat me!

Change Thrashflailpanic to something. Use dialogue to tell an action. Also, Aieee? put this in quotation marks at least.
-=-=-=-

They swept through the open balcony doors and alighted at the foot of Thirilight's bed. Serena quickly clambered off the broom and rushed to make way for her sister.

they meaning Serena and Sabrina right? Specify.

Sabrina strode to Thirilight's bedside and quickly assessed the wound. With a sigh and a shake of her head, Sabrina discarded the bandages in favor of placing her hands directly upon the gaping hole in the boy's abdomen.

good.

As Serena watched, anxiously, a warm glow appeared beneath her sister's hands and the wound slowly began to close. This method of healing took a very visible toll on Sabrina, however, and in a very short time, the healer grew paler, the wrinkles on her face becoming more pronounced.

All good.

"How is he?" Serena asked once the wound had fully closed and Sabrina had had a moment to recover.

"He doesn't smell dead," Morgen commented, "but neither does he smell alive..."

"He's right on the threshold," Sabrina, leaning heavily on the bed, explained. "Death's got a good hold on him, and it's not going to let go easily."

Serena looked lost. "So what can we do?"

"There's nothing we can do, other than wait and see. It's all up to him, now," Sabrina replied, gazing at the prone form on the bed.

Serena closed her eyes. "Gods have mercy."

YAY! You did good on this one too! that's 3 in a row.
-=-=-=-

Ow!

Ow ow ow ow ow ow ouch!

I'm sorry, Death! I'm sorry! (Ow!) I'll never call you boring or sucky again! (Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!)

I don't really hate you, (My spine!) so please, please! (Oh gods!), stop using me for tug-of-war!

The light ball's hold on my legs suddenly breaks, and I'm flung into the still-tugging sphere of darkness.

Thank you!

Swallowedbyblackness.

Remove all your ow's but one. it's tiring to read that many. Don't put your other ow's in () either. He is saying that not thinking or whatever. Suddenly broke. not breaks. and I was flung into the still-tugging sphere of darkness. take away Swallowedbyblackness. what purpose does it serve? Also, OMG did Thirry just die?????!!!

Final Thoughts:
This is a pretty good chapter. If I was able to read it and understand most of it without having read the other chapters then you must have done something right! Right? Your characters are very good!! I love them all. If I felt shocked and sad that thirry may have died and I only read one chapter... well that is pretty awesome.
Yes, there are some things you need to change ( See the two above harsh, heartless reviews) but that is just for readability and helping your chance of becoming published. I have never said this in a review but I think that you should really look into publishing this once it is finish-- and sending me a free copy -- it so far has the beginnings of a great novel.
I'll be back with more reviews for chapter four!!

~Simply

P.S. Oh my goodness. This is way to long of a review!

*sniffle*

I love you. Thank you (ad infinitum) so very much for the review. n_n

This is the chapter title I'm guessing? Pick one please. I like the second.

Yup. The second one is more of a subtitle/alternate title though. It makes sense with how I originally formatted the chapter, but there aren't as many formatting options here, so it looks ugly. XD

Don't specify where he got stabbed because unless he looked down and saw the the wound like right about in that location-- and he obviously didn't because it wasn't awake!-- then he wouldn't know.

He was conscious for a while in the last chapter, and so he saw the sword in his torso. Then again, you haven't read the first chapter, so you didn't know that. XD

How in the heck did Serena get to the courtyard? When she was carry thirilight, a boy that Morgen-- a nicely built man-- can't even get up a couple of stairs? She must be a Super old lady. This is good bedsides that.

Um... I'll get back to you on that... >.>

Okay, well. This is a very long chapter that does hop around like a tourist on crack.

Well, I did tell you so. XD

Haha, be-spelled socks. I want some!

So do I. XD

Specify that he is looking for a key and not just a big 2 by 4 plank to knock the door down with.

XD

Now I want to mention the 2x4.... >.>

Wasting so much time and effort on locating a key when he could of just used a 2 by 4 to knock the darn door down in the first place. Sorry, I just had to write this

Now I'm seriously considering making the 2x4 canon. XD

Wait, wait, wait! you said she was going to a cottage in the forest! Not by the sea! I like the sea better because I got a little scared that the kelpie was so close to the water with someone on it's back. I dunno, I think it add suspense. but ti's your choice. Forest or sea, pick one please.

What? o_O I never mentioned anything about the sea. Unless you mean the foam. In that case, it isn't sea foam -- when horses and such sweat heavily, it winds up being this foamy frothing white stuff.

Why not use something more umm... more kid friendly. Maybe Holy Pin Cushions!

Because I'm too lazy to come up with creative curses? :P I forgot to rate this T, didn't I... >.>

This is a pretty good chapter. If I was able to read it and understand most of it without having read the other chapters then you must have done something right! Right? Your characters are very good!! I love them all. If I felt shocked and sad that thirry may have died and I only read one chapter... well that is pretty awesome.

Yes, there are some things you need to change ( See the two above harsh, heartless reviews) but that is just for readability and helping your chance of becoming published. I have never said this in a review but I think that you should really look into publishing this once it is finish-- and sending me a free copy Razz-- it so far has the beginnings of a great novel.

You make me feel all warm and glowy inside. And my ego has just increased tenfold. XD

I thrive on harsh, heartless reviews. :P

Okay, so here it goes...
Well you were right when you said it bounces around a lot. I couldn't really keep up with what was happening, it just wasn't very consistent.
I think that was the only thing that needed fixing.

So, keep writing I guess, cuz I have nothing left to say. It was really good.

Hi sorry it took me so long to review this! I wasn't here at the weekend and didn't have enough time Monday then my computer broke Tuesday! Grrr
I really enjoyed it, I love how you have kept up the funny parts despite how serious the situation can be - I have a feeling this is going to be another not very helpful review due to how well this is written sorry!

He would not last much longer without intensive medical care, Serena ascertained, stowing the Amulet in a hidden pocket for future study.

I'd move the 'Serena ascertained' to the beginning of the sentence as otherwise it seems a bit tagged on the end, it might flow better if you had it to start with (adding 'that' after ascertained so it makes sense )

The sea witch carefully congealed the blood within the wound before hoisting Thirilight over her shoulders.

I think it might be good to add something in here on how she congealed the blood- with a thought or a hand gesture or something.

Morgen supposed it was all those magical talismans the boy was fond of wearing.

Just my opinion and being kind of picky - but 'so' before fond might be good.

Charms of all sort littered the floor as the grey-haired man sifted through pocket after bottomless pocket crammed with enchanted objects of every sort.

'all sort' needs to be 'all sorts' I think and I wouldn't repeat 'sort' at the end of the sentence as you have so recently used it- maybe something like type/kind/variety would work well instead.

Speaking of keys, the one he held in hand was plain and unremarkable, spelled simply to unlock its intended door.

I'm not sure about the 'speaking of keys' part as you have always been on the topic of keys and you kind of use that for a change of subject, I'd maybe just leave it out as the rest of the sentence makes sense without it.

as obsessed with magical trinkets Thirilight was.

I think you need 'as' before Thirilight here, not completely sure though

though the bedroom was particularly nice with its spectacular ocean view courtesy the open-air balcony and wide glass doors.

I think you might need 'of' after 'courtesy'.

Moments later, she was mounted on the swiftest kelpie and galloping towards a specific cottage which stood alone in the forest.

I'm not sure about the last part of this sentence, it doesn't flow right to me. I think you could maybe rephrase it to run better, for instance something like 'galloping towards an isolated cottage in the forest' or something similar.

A quarter hour later found the sea witch pounding on Sabrina's front door.

It's not really essential but I think 'quarter hour' might be better as 'quarter of an hour', I think its all down to opinion though and not really needed

Just as she was preparing to break down the door,

This sounds fine as it is but just a tiny bit on how she is preparing to break down the door could work well- for instance rolling up her sleeves and taking a step back or something like that.

Morgen tore off the blankets to find that Thirilight's wound had not only reopened, it had widened and was now oozing thick black gore.

At first I was not sure which blankets you were referring to, I'd maybe specify so something like 'Morgen tore off Thirilight's blankets to find that his wound had' so you can replace the Thirilight afterwards with 'his' as the reader will already know who you are talking about

Now was not the time to mourn their ruin, Morgen acknowledged as he tried to staunch the blood-flow with already-stained linens. There would be time to properly mourn the bed's sullying later.

I'd change the second 'mourn' here so you aren't repeating it. Maybe 'grieve'?

At the moment, though, Morgen busied himself with keeping Thirilight from bleeding out completely and trying to get a hold of Serena.

I'm not sure about 'bleeding out completely'- I think it could be worded better, maybe just 'bleeding to death' or 'becoming completely drained of blood' or something similar.

came her reply, harried, weary, and worry all blended together in her tone.

I'd maybe leave out 'harried' here or replace it as if you just said 'harried in her tone' it wouldn't make much sense, it would flow as just 'harried tone' but as you have 'weary, and worry' here too it doesn't quite fit.

Morgen slipped an extra sense of urgency into his message before retracting the mind-contact

I'd maybe say 'retracting from the mind-contact'. Its not needed but in my opinion it sounds better

Serena quickly clambered off the broom and rushed to make way for her sister.

Sabrina strode to Thirilight's bedside and quickly assessed the wound.

I'd change one of the 'quickly' here so you are not repeating it.

Ow!

Ow ow ow ow ow ow ouch!

I'm sorry, Death! I'm sorry! (Ow!) I'll never call you boring or sucky again! (Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!)

I don't really hate you, (My spine!) so please, please! (Oh gods!), stop using me for tug-of-war!

The light ball's hold on my legs suddenly breaks, and I'm flung into the still-tugging sphere of darkness.

Thank you!

Swallowedbyblackness

Before you have always shown from this perspective just his thoughts so it sounded kind of odd to have action as well, I'd maybe rephrase it for this chapter so it is just his thoughts. You could still have the action, but instead have his thoughts commenting on it. Just an idea though

Overall: I love how you have continued, the style is still great! I noticed there was quite a bit of nitpicks above but I didn't read them so sorry if I have repeated anything

I think a bit more description on Morgen might be good, just added in now and then as there is not much I know about his looks other than his hair and eye colour. I like the pace you are moving at and the amount of description on the room, not really anything that could be changed there By using Thirilights thoughts it shows that time has passed between what is happening around him, its a good way of breaking up the events and I didn't find it confusing at all I'm still quite curious as to the relationship between all these characters, although it does work well here. I've got a hint from the reference to 'the other villains' which was a nice thought to add!

Sorry for the lack (once again) of things I think could be improved, I think you have it pretty well covered here! All my comments are just opinion so ignore if you disagree, Hope I've helped and I look forward to reading more! *star*

Before you have always shown from this perspective just his thoughts so it sounded kind of odd to have action as well, I'd maybe rephrase it for this chapter so it is just his thoughts. You could still have the action, but instead have his thoughts commenting on it. Just an idea though Very Happy

Before you have always shown from this perspective just his thoughts so it sounded kind of odd to have action as well, I'd maybe rephrase it for this chapter so it is just his thoughts. You could still have the action, but instead have his thoughts commenting on it. Just an idea though

I do this in later chapters. Seeing as how these first two chapters were written months before the other four, there are consistency issues. XD

Overall: I love how you have continued, the style is still great! I noticed there was quite a bit of nitpicks above but I didn't read them so sorry if I have repeated anything

Thanks. It's fine if you repeat something. It just means I need to look at that part more closely. :3

I think a bit more description on Morgen might be good, just added in now and then as there is not much I know about his looks other than his hair and eye colour.

Ah, yes. Description. I tend to forget description. XD

By using Thirilights thoughts it shows that time has passed between what is happening around him, its a good way of breaking up the events and I didn't find it confusing at all

Gah. People keep telling me either this chapter is too confusing, or that they appreciated that I broke the serious bits up with the short sections of humor. There's no in-between! XP

Sorry for the lack (once again) of things I think could be improved, I think you have it pretty well covered here! All my comments are just opinion so ignore if you disagree, Hope I've helped and I look forward to reading more! *star*

Aw. Thanks. I appreciate your opinions and will be keeping them in mind when I revise. :3 You also caught plenty of missing words/letters I and many others missed. XD

And here is Chapter 3, which contains fluff. o_o

=======

Dissention in the Ranks

or

Mopping Up the Scourge of Bathwaters

Thirilight lay in bed, deathly pale and barely breathing. His caramel brown hair, long since cleaned of clotted blood, was strewn haphazardly over his plush feather pillow. Atop the silken covers, a bloodless hand rested in the unyielding embrace of a wizened one.

Perched upon a plush pouffe upholstered in cloth of gold, Serena stood vigil by Thirilight's bedside, maintaining a firm hold on her grandson's frail hand as if the act of letting go would seal his fate for the worse. As she brushed away an idle wisp of hair from her grandchild's sleeping face, Thirilight stirred slightly, but did not awaken.

Serena sighed; it had been three full days since the stabbing, and the boy had shown no signs of wakening. As Morgen entered the bedroom, Serena spared a glance towards the selkie, inquiring, "Did you gather up all his trinkets?"

Morgen scratched his rotund belly as he was wont to do when unsure. "I believe so."

"I hope so." Serena smiled ruefully. "Honestly, when it comes to enchanted objects, he's just like a crow hoarding shinies."

"Who is a crow?" Thirilight asked groggily, his hoarse voice barely audible. Cracking one eye open to peer at Serena, Thirilight quickly closed it and groaned, "Too bright..."

While Morgen bustled around the suite, drawing the drapes and dimming the lamps, Serena stood up to fetch a glass of water for the invalid, patting his hand reassuringly before leaving. Just as she finished filling a glass from a tap in the main parlor, and just as Morgen turned out the last lamp by the main entrance, the solid oak door to the suite exploded, vaporized into a cloud of corky splinters.

Through the gaping maw which once housed a solid wood door strode a portly man, tall, his balding pate adorned with a few sparse wisps of sand-colored hair. His beady blue eyes, watery and weak, quickly scanned the room before coming to rest exclusively on Serena. Puffing out his chest so that he looked like a bloated fish, the corpulent man strutted into the parlor, halting just before Serena. Behind him, an assortment of villains of every shape, size, and gender imaginable quickly filled the room, the host halting in a tight ring around the elderly sea witch.

Three harpies fanned out to reconnoiter the rest of the suite – one searched the bath, the second ransacked the closet, and the last checked out the bedroom. While the first two returned empty handed, the third harpy dragged out a seemingly comatose Thirilight, dumping the unresponsive young man face down at her commander's feet.

Miraculously, for luck always spurns a villain, no one seemed to notice Morgen throughout this entire suite invasion. The selkie used this oversight to his advantage, surreptitiously moving from his spot near the door to a position where he could clearly see and aid Serena. He was very careful to avoid attracting the notice of the assembly's overflow.

After flipping Thirilight onto his back with an ungentle kick, the leader of the medley sneered at Serena, "This is your precious grandchild? This is your worthy heir?"

While the crowd cackled in derision, Serena smiled genially and took no visible offense. In the sink, the tap was still running, the cup spilling over in its perpetual fullness.

"Overlord Ard'aam, to what do I owe this pleasure?" she inquired, stepping forward one pace, her hands empty and open by her sides. The other villains violently blanched, all but Ard'aam retreating back one pace.

"Serena," the bald man spat, peering haughtily down his aquiline nose at the petite sea witch, "we have grown weary of your despotic rule. Such blatant displays of favoritism can not go unchallenged any longer, especially when they are bestowed upon such pathetic weaklings as that." He gestured disgustedly at Thirilight's unmoving form. "Therefore, I, with the support of these present members of the Council, do hereby depose you and claim Head Councilorship for myself!" A disgruntled murmur passed among the host, and Ard'aam hastily amended, "On the behalf of everyone present, of course."

"Of course," Serena, still smiling gently, noncommittally replied. She peered beyond Ard'aam at the assembled councilors before returning her lucid gaze to her self-proclaimed usurper. Genuinely curious, Serena inquired, "And so you dare challenge me openly?"

"Of course! For too long have you disregarded the time-honored traditions of villainy! Too long have you denied the glorious heritage that comes of following the Dark! Too long have you forced us to hide in the shadows, groveling about on our hands and knees instead of openly proclaiming our true allegiance! But no longer!" This passionate list of justifications left Ard'aam panting for breath, his pasty face flushed with the exertion. Many of the assembly nodded fervently in agreement with his proclamation.

"It seems awfully nice of you to give me declaration of intent."

"It is traditional. Why would I not?"

"Well," Serena paused, one dainty finger poised upon her chin as she gazed at the ceiling in exaggerated remembrance, "you don't seem to have an issue ignoring the traditions associated with titling, O Scourge of Bathwaters."

With a single quelling gaze, Ard'aam brought a swift demise to all forms of laughter in the room.

"There, there. It's nothing to be ashamed of," Serena smiled, standing on tip-toe to consolingly pat the red-faced Scourge on one broad shoulder. "You were exceptionally thorough in scouring that pleasant little hamlet off the map, and with all those traveling bathers having no place to comfortably bathe, the local economy went down the drain. You ought to be proud of yourself for such an accomplishment."

Ard'aam violently slapped away Serena's hand. "I have no need for your condescending affirmation of my capability!"

"Well, then, what do you want?" Serena asked, ruefully nursing her injured hand.

"Your deposition!"

The old sea witch peered around Ard'aam at the assembled councilors. "And do all of you feel the same?"

While the majority of villains nodded or called out their assent, from the back, out in the hall, a single voice cried "Nay!" and the ranks of the coup parted to reveal the traitor – distinguished with age, his black hair strongly streaked with gray, an elderly man leaned heavily upon a horse-headed cane.

"'Nay,' Overlord Vynd?" Serena inquired while Ard'aam glowered at the naysayer. "Then why are you present?"

"Why, to enjoy the proverbial fireworks," Vynd replied with a full-toothed grin, slightly bowing at the waist. "It is not every day that the leadership of the High Council is challenged so boldly."

Serena smiled in response before turning back to Ard'aam. "Would you accept my peaceful surrender?"

"Never!"

The sea witch's grin grew broader, a sinister current swelling full beneath the benign facade. "Good," she replied , malice now clearly evident. "I had no intentions of surrendering at all." With that, a column of water swept in from the bedroom, through the parlor, and back over the bedroom balcony from whence it came. In its wake, a full two-thirds of the would-be revolutionaries were swept away unto a wet and rocky demise on the granite outcroppings far below. Most unexpectedly, nothing else in the suite had been touched by the waters and, thus, was fully dry.

Before the screams of the drowning and falling had faded away in their entirety, the remaining rebels were swiftly dispatched by the combined efforts of Serena and Morgen. Thirilight, who had actually been awake the entire time, managed to contribute a few blinding flashes here and there before passing out from exhaustion.

Out in the hallway, Vynd was having quite the time defending against the rebels. Though the elderly Overlord merely defended himself when pressed, his attackers were all too eager to keep coming after him, not that Vynd minded – this was the best fun he'd had in years! With flashes of the mare-head's sapphire eyes, the Overlord dispatched his assailants with much zeal, making that extra bit of effort to ensure that his victims lived long enough to produce those deliciously agonized screams.

And so it was that, within the span of three minutes, only Ard'aam remained standing, surrounded by the cooling corpses of his compatriots.

"You shall never take me alive!" Overlord Bathwaters proclaimed, the pointy end of his own dagger pressed against his substantial chest.

"I had no intention of doing so," Serena replied mildly, inspecting a bloodstain on the hem of her skirt.

"I sha– Wait... What?"

"I said that I have no intention of taking you alive so that, one day, you may escape and attempt to overthrow me again."

"But... but... It's traditional!" Ard'aam spluttered in absolute shock.

"Yes, well, as you so boldly declared before, I've never been one to follow tradition," Serena replied coyly before making the Scourge of Bathwaters dissipate into a cloud of steam.

When all the condensation had dispersed, Serena plucked up the Scourge's dagger from where it had fallen to the carpeted floor. After testing the balance and finding it suitable, the sea witch placed the dagger through her belt and made a mental note to find a scabbard.

During this time, Morgen had transported Thirilight back into bed. Overlord Vynd had seated himself upon a chaise lounge and was busy polishing the mare head of his cane until the silver seemed to glow with an inner light. Serena plopped down beside him and began massaging her temples.

"I'm getting too old for this," she sighed, and Vynd patted her leg consolingly before returning to his polishing. There was this one particular fleck of blood lodged between a sapphire and its setting that continued to elude his persistent scrubbing...

Serena ceased her massaging and turned to glare at the Overlord. "Now, really, Mehr," she said, "after all these years, you still pay more attention to that cane than to me."

"There happens to be a blood spot that refuses to be cleaned," he replied levelly, still vigorously scrubbing at the left eye.

"And I just thwarted a coup."

Vynd glanced up at Serena before resuming his scrubbing with renewed fervor. "I know."

"And?" Serena crossed her arms and pouted at the Overlord. "I could've been killed."

"But you were not, and it is quite unlikely you will suffer any lasting harm as a result of this failed coup. My cane, on the other hand, will tarnish if I do not clean it right away."

Serena rolled her eyes. "And the gods forbid that your precious cane ever tarnish."

"It would be most inconvenient," he nodded in agreement and Serena gently slapped him on the shoulder. Vynd chuckled and looked sidelong at the pouting sea witch. "Jealous, are we?" he inquired innocently, a grin tugging at one corner of his mouth.

"Jealous? Of a cane? Never!" Serena replied with a huff, twisting around in her seat so that her back faced the now-grinning Overlord.

Vynd carefully leaned his cane against the lounge before sidling up to the sea witch, encircling her waist with his arms and resting his chin on her left shoulder. "Of course not, my hurricane. Nothing could ever compete with you."

"Oh?" Serena inquired, eyebrows raised. "Not even that horse-headed cane?"

Vynd leaned away and, sounding affronted, replied, "Of course not, my tempest. After all, it was you who gave it to me."

Serena twisted back around to face him, a catty grin playing about her mouth. "So I was," she said before snuggling up against her counterpart's side. Vynd placed an arm around the sea witch's shoulders and leaned against the lounge's back. The pair proceeded to contentedly watch Morgen clear the room of dead bodies. The selkie grumbled throughout the entire affair as he lugged the heavy corpses through the parlor and into the bedroom before hoisting them over the balcony.

When Morgen had finished and had seated himself in an armchair across from the pair, still grumbling as he slowly drifted off in the plush cradle of cushions, Serena got down to business. She scooted a modest distance away from Vynd and composed herself before addressing the other two.

"As you are both aware, a majority of the Council suffered a tragic catastrophe today."

Vynd snorted in suppressed laughter.

Serena passed him a mild glare before continuing, "A catastrophe so tragic and cataclysmic that there were no survivors. They will be very much missed, especially considering how shorthanded their untimely demise has left the Council. As such," Serena peered at Vynd expectantly, "the High Councilor will now be accepting nominations."

"In which event I nominate Dark Lord Thirilight of Highcliffe to the recently vacated post of Eastern Overlord."

Aloof, Serena inquired, "Reason?"

"It is about time he assumed his birthright," Vynd replied with a self-assured nod.

"Nomination accepted. Dark Lord Thirilight of Highcliffe is hereby proclaimed Overlord of the Eastern Domains." Serena abruptly stood up, shedding the aura of dignity and authority. "Now that that's settled, I need to inform the remaining Council members. Come along, Morgen," she said as she briskly strode through the empty doorway, the selkie following close behind.

Vynd, left to himself, opted to remain behind and inform Thirilight of the good news. In the meantime, however, as the lounge was quite comfortable and the boy would not be waking for a while, it couldn't hurt to take a nap...

And so the Overlord made himself at home in his grandson's parlor and settled in for a light repose.

'Allo, 'allo, what have we here?

I must say. Thirilight's rambling as he was dying were quite funny. I liked the little snippets of thought.

A thought on that though, especially this bit:

As I lay on my back in the bloody grass, which was a very pretty red, by the way, I could not help but notice the triumphant gleam in the heroine's eyes. Her cheeks flushed a victorious shade of blushing pink and--


What the hell is wrong with me?!

Maybe drag this out a bit more. As is, the only thing that would set that first sentence apart as humor (in contrast to some of the horrible yet published fantasy fiction that's out there) is the offhand "which was a very pretty red, by the way". Maybe add some more extraneous observations, to make it clear that you are writing a parody rather than a straight fiction. (And while I am thinking about it, how can he see the grass if he is laying on his back in it?)

As is, the "what the hell is wrong with me?!" feels almost like it comes too fast. He hasn't really gotten into a good ramble warranting such a sharp arrest yet. Maybe make it a bit longer, describing other things about the heroine and his surroundings and the irony of it all and who in the world was going to feed his pet turtle Zippy now? After all, he does wonder "if everyone's mind wanders as much when they're bleeding to death." As is, his mind doesn't wander all that much before he cuts his thoughts short.

Otherwise, I really loved the beginning. I agree with WrittenSoul that it sounds like something out of a Monty Python skit. Very smart-alecky. I like it.

From behind a clump of bushes, a shadowy figure watched the terrible scene unfold. They watched as Thirilight, pierced through the abdomen by the loud girl's magicked blade, fell limply to the forest floor and did not rise. They watched as the little girl proclaimed her victory and kicked Thirilight's unmoving body. They watched as the girl's companion, unsatisfied with the gut wound, poised his sword above Thirilight's heart.


They watched, and then they acted.

Okay, a bit of a nitpick here: you are talking about one figure, yet you refer to that figure from then on as "they". While I understand that you are trying to keep the gender undisclosed without resorting to "it", "they" is a plural pronoun, while you are talking about singular figure. "It" would be the best choice of pronouns in this instance.

The POV change from first to third to first was a little jarring, especially because the two first person POVs were not of the same person. I did like that each POV was different, not only from the person, but the verb tense. Thirilight was past, but with a lot of personal thoughts running through the whole thing, like a runny commentary. The third person was just past. Then the heroine's POV was suddenly present! Great method of distinguishing the different characters even if some of them don't have names yet. Seriously, when I noticed that, I was blown out of the water.

Lovely overall. I liked the way it all played out, fluctuating between openly humorous, serious and mysterious, and then a sort of overblown pompousness that you can't help but snigger at. Very nice. I must read more!

A big thumbs-up from me!

*scurries off to read the next chapter* (speaking of which, I also loved your chapter titles... very nice)

~GryphonFledgling

Okay, I am officially in love with Thirry's POV now. Really, it's smart-ass, but it's smart-ass done cleverly and actually funny. Very nice.

I actually did not find the POV changes in this chapter confusing until when Morgen woke up with a sneeze. There were a lot of characters introduced in this scene, all with vaguely magical sounding names, so I wasn't sure who was who until after I read it through a second time. The action seems to go by really quickly in this chapter.

Gah, I feel like this review is all but useless, since this chapter didn't feel like it needed much of my nitpicking. Really, it seems as though you have a great little gem on your hands here.

However, I am assuming that sooner or later we are going to find out just why exactly Thirry was stabbed in the liver and what would make people assume he was the villain. What exactly led up to that sequence of events? I like that we jumped immediately into the action in the beginnig of the story, but a little explanation would be nice sooner or later. But you can take your time. I am sufficiently entertained to keep reading even if I am sort of wading around in the dark right now.

Reading over other people's reviews, I didn't notice the lack of description until it was pointed out and really, I didn't miss it. I think it has partially to do with my style of writing and I have a thin line between description and excessive description, but I was fine throughout the story with what you gave us. The reader can form their own images of what things look like, so if you are okay with that, don't worry about description. If you want to be sure that you and the reader are on the same page the whole time, you would probably want to go with more description. As is, I liked it.

Lovely. Simply lovely. Great, great chapter on your part. *zombie stare* Must read more.

~GryphonFledgling

Hello again Only just saw this was up sorry! I'm understanding the story a lot more now and I love how you have kept the funny side to your writing throughout the piece

Atop the silken covers, a bloodless hand rested in the unyielding embrace of a wizened one.

As it is Thirilights hand, I'd either say 'his' or 'Thirilight' instead of 'a bloodless hand'- It made me think at first that it wasn't his which was a bit confusing.

Perched upon a plush pouffe upholstered in cloth of gold,

You've just used 'plush' to describe the cushions that Thirilight is resting on, I'd maybe used something else here.

As Morgen entered the bedroom, Serena spared a glance towards the selkie, inquiring, "Did you gather up all his trinkets?"

I'd maybe leave out 'inquiring' here- it sounded a bit out of place to me and I think the sentence would be fine without it

While Morgen bustled around the suite, drawing the drapes and dimming the lamps, Serena stood up to fetch a glass of water for the invalid, patting his hand reassuringly before leaving.

You have mentioned before on how Thirilight had shown no signs of waking previously so I would think this would be of more of a surprise, especially as in the last chapter you ended it with them being uncertain as to whether he would pull through or not. Perhaps more of a reaction here would be good- something maybe about their expressions when they hear his voice or exchanging a quick relieved glance at one another.

the solid oak door to the suite exploded, vaporized into a cloud of corky splinters.

I think 'vaporizing' instead of 'vaporized' might sound better here.

Puffing out his chest so that he looked like a bloated fish, the corpulent man strutted into the parlor, halting just before Serena. Behind him, an assortment of villains of every shape, size, and gender imaginable quickly filled the room, the host halting in a tight ring around the elderly sea witch.

When you say that he puffed out his chest so he would look like a bloated fish it makes it sound as if that was his intention- if its not his intention as he's trying to look cool I'd maybe change it a bit to something like 'Puffing out his chest in a way that caused him to resemble a bloated fish, the corpulent man strutted behind him.' you could even add in something about him not being aware of it. I'd maybe leave out 'gender' before 'imaginable' as there are only two genders so there isn't that much to imagine

The other villains violently blanched

I'm not sure about 'violently'- its not that violent a thing blanching, maybe 'visibly'?

Genuinely curious, Serena inquired, "And so you dare challenge me openly?"

As she is posing as the vulnerable old woman here I'd maybe add in 'seemingly' or something similar at the beginning, so that she is coming across as curious.

With a single quelling gaze, Ard'aam brought a swift demise to all forms of laughter in the room.

I'd maybe rearrange this sentence a bit so that you talk about the laughter first, just so the reader knows the reaction instantly afterwards. Something like 'All forms of laughter were brought to a swift demise under Ard'aam's quelling gaze.'

Serena inquired while Ard'aam glowered at the naysayer.

To make it clearer that 'naysayer' is the combination of two words I'd maybe separate them with a dash

Serena replied coyly before making the Scourge of Bathwaters dissipate into a cloud of steam.

I think it would be good here to show how she made him dissipitate- like with a withering glance or a flick of her hand or something like that

the sea witch placed the dagger through her belt and made a mental note to find a scabbard.

I'm not that keen on using 'placed'- I'd maybe swap it for another word that is more descriptive to the action like 'slotted' or 'slid'.

During this time, Morgen had transported Thirilight back into bed.

Maybe saying how he was transported- like 'dragged' instead or 'heaved' would work better here.

"Of course not, my tempest. After all, it was you who gave it to me."

Serena twisted back around to face him, a catty grin playing about her mouth. "So I was," she said before

I think 'So I was' would sound better as 'So it was' as then it would fit in with what Vynd said

She scooted a modest distance away from Vynd and composed herself before addressing the other two.

'the other two' makes it sound to me like someone other than Vynd, maybe instead you could say 'him and Morgen' or something like that.

Serena passed him a mild glare before continuing

I'm not sure if 'passed' is the best word to use here- 'shot' or 'threw' might be better.

"the High Councilor will now be accepting nominations."

"In which event I nominate Dark Lord Thirilight of Highcliffe to the recently vacated post of Eastern Overlord."

I wouldn't say it was an 'event'- maybe 'case'?

And so the Overlord made himself at home in his grandson's parlor and settled in for a light repose.

You could maybe mention here about how he made himself comfortable to give more of an image to the reader- maybe something about fluffing pillows or resting back in his chair or something like that

Overall: All these comments are just suggestions, I really can't see much that could be changed and I think it is pretty much great as it is without any changes at all! I'm just offering you my opinion so (as always) you don't have to pay any attention to it

The fight I felt could be improved on a bit, its good but there isn't that much excitement behind it and not much description either. When the characters use magic or whatever powers they have I don't get much of a sense of what it looks like or how they do it- and the vagueness does work but something on where the flashes are coming from or maybe how the opposition appear when they are harmed by it might help add to the scene Like I mentioned before as well, there isn't much reaction to when Thirilight wakes up whereas before they were really panicked by it- I would think they would be more relieved or shocked and concerned for his well-being. Perhaps Serena could enquire after him once Morgen has moved him? Little things like that to keep him in the picture as he was introduced as an important character before could help add to the story

There isn't anything from Thirilight's perspective here and I can see why as he doesn't feature much but I hope to hear more from his perspective in future as it is really funny

Really well written so far!! I Look forward to reading more! *Star*