June [1]

JUNE

A novel of fantastical love, irish folklore and the adventures of one stubborn sixteen year old CIPA patient.

June’s ears faintly registered the sound of the heart monitor’s constant beep on the left side of her hospital bed. It wasn’t that she had bad hearing, oh no, her hearing was better than most. It was the simple fact that she had been in the hospital over seventy-five times in that year alone, and she had grown so used to the sound that she hardly noticed it any longer.
June’s parents called it CIPA, but the doctors preferred the longer term “Congenital Insensitivity to Pain”. She hated it when they said it out loud. Basically it meant that she couldn’t feel heat, cold, or pressure, which meant that she couldn’t feel pain or anything at all really.
This particular trip to the pale green accented, overly-bright white emergency room was because she had slipped and fell on a slick floor in the mall while with her friends. They had noticed she was walking awkwardly and she reluctantly slipped away to phone her mother. It turned out June had fractured her ankle in three places.
This was how it always was though; every morning she had to check herself, make sure she didn’t scratch her eyes out or chew up her lips, cheeks or fingers in her sleep. Every time she slipped, fell or someone noticed anything at all peculiar or abnormal about her she was rushed to the emergency room. So far she had broken twelve bones, some more than once. She had also endured several second degree burns, luckily most have healed nicely.
The telltale, little, smooth scars of CIPA patients showed around her lips and on the tips of her fingers from absently chewing them a tad too much as a child. A few weeks ago she heard the doctors whisper to each other that it was amazing she had even made it to sixteen with the amount of accidents she had.
But because she couldn’t feel anything on the outside didn’t mean that she couldn’t feel anything inside. Her mother liked to call her a drama queen, but June thought that she had to make up for her lack of the sense of feeling and touch somehow and apparently that somehow was through abnormally strong emotions.
“You really should tell your friends sweetheart.” Her mother never gave up this argument, but neither did June.
Her mother was exactly her opposite in every way: she was a bigger woman compared to June’s lithe form, with gentle grey-green eyes as opposed to her too-dark-to-even-pass-as-brown eyes, and short blond hair June was glad she didn’t have. Her hair was thick and the color a rich auburn that nobody could get through artificial dyes. Her mother held her hand in hers earnestly, the severity in her gaze weighing down her face.
“We’ve been over this Mother. I am not going to tell them anything, they would change how they think of me; I would be some kind of freak to them. A person who can’t feel! They would run away screaming. You remember Blake don’t you? Do you want that to happen to me again? Hmmm?”
“Don’t be ridiculous, of course I don’t hun, but that was a year ago now. You’ve made great new friends, I think they’ll understand ho-.”
“How could they possibly understand mom?!” June knew that her face would be flushed with all the anger inside of her, and the fact that she couldn’t feel that mythical heat of anger frustrated her even more.
Her mother let out an exasperated sigh as the doctor walked through the dingy blue curtain that hid them from the other patients.
“Well June, looks like you’re all bandaged up and good to go,” Charles said as he examined a clip-board.
“Finally,” June said under her breath. “Thanks Charles.”
The doctor cringed under the use of his first name as opposed to his proud P.H.D title. June only left it out because she knew it bothered him.
“Take your medication and use your crutches for three weeks. I don’t care that you can’t feel it, but if you walk on it, it will break, understood?”
“Yes sir!” June said saluting.
Charles shook his head, mussing his tuft of greying blond hair, “Hopefully I’ll not see you again for a while.”
“I can only pray Charles.”

Heya there!

This is an interesting story so far. I like the fact that you have a character with CIPA. It makes the whole thing far more fascinating

I just want to point out that you use quite a bit of long sentences. Sentences that should be seperate. I'll point out a few of them for you but the rest you'll have to find on your own.

Long sentences~ They tend to lose their effectiveness after awhile and it seems like they drag on with all these unnessacary commas and such. Usually where those commas are--if it seems like the sentence could be broken up---there could be a period.

Short sentences~ They add more tone and they aren't boring.

It wasn’t that she had bad hearing, oh no, her hearing was better than most , it was the simple fact that she had been in the hospital over seventy-five times in that year alone, and she had grown so used to the sound that she hardly noticed it any longer.

This is a long sentence. I would personally nix the "oh no" part. I deem it, unnessacary The comma after "most" should be a period. Nix the last "and" and the comma after "alone" could be a period. Then, there you go. Three different sentences

This particular trip to the emergency room was because she had slipped and fell on a slick floor in the mall while with her friends, they had noticed she was walking awkwardly and she reluctantly phoned her mother.

The comma after friends could be a period.

The telltale, little, smooth scars of CIPA patients showed around her lips and on the tips of her fingers from absently chewing them a tad too much as a child.

Wouldn't her friends know what the scars meant? But then again, I didn't really know that either

But only because she couldn’t feel anything on the outside did not mean that she couldn’t feel anything inside, her mother liked to call her a drama queen, but June thought that she had to make up for the lack of the sense of feeling and touch somehow and apparently that somehow was through abnormally strong emotions.

Long sentence! You fix this one up on your own

Her mother was exactly June’s opposite in every way, a bigger woman compared to June’s lithe form, with gentle grey-green eyes as opposed to her too dark to even be brown eyes, and short blond hair for which June was glad she didn’t have, her hair was thick and the color a rich auburn that nobody could get through artificial dyes.

Here is another long sentence. Also, a bit of info dumping here. How about gradually show your readers what the mother and daughter look like?

You remember Blake don’t you?

What happened with Blake? I'm curious and since you've mention it...

Don’t be ridiculous, of course I don’t hun, but that was a year ago now, you’ve made new, great friends, I think they’ll understand ho-.”

I know the mother is speaking but still, long sentence. Change some of those commas to periods.

Her mother let out an exasperated sigh as the doctor walked through the curtain that hid them from the other patients.

I know hospitals all have that boring look, but give the room they're in a little more description beside the curtain. Give us a little more imagery!

Well June, looks like you are all bandaged up and good to go.” Charles said as he examined a clip-board.

The period after "go" should be a comma.

“Finally.” June said under her breath, “Thank-you Charles.”

Period to comma and comma to period. If you know what I mean

The doctor cringed under the use of his first name, June only used it because she knew it bothered him.

Change the comma to a period. Also, why does the doctor's name bother him? Or does he like being called Dr. Whats-his-last-name?

~~~~

Yes, very interesting story. I can't wait to see what kind of fantasy things you'll throw in here for June to experience. I'm also curious about this doctor. Is he going to have a large role to play in this story or no?

Well, other than the fact that you have major long sentences it's a great story. Just give the room a bit more description and especially cut those sentences in half.

PM if you have any questions or when the next part is up.

Happy Writing!

Meadow

Meadowlark was pretty thorough with her critique, so all I can really do is agree with her. XD

In particular, you should pay attention to her comments on the long sentences. While long, complex sentences aren't bad in and of themselves (I use them frequently myself), it becomes problematic when the sentences become too long and complex or if they are composed of a whole bunch of run-ons. Your long sentences tend to be of the latter variety, so breaking them up into their separate sentences is the best way to fix them.

I really liked that June has CIPA. It's hard to find writing that portrays diseases and disorders realistically or even at all, much less ones that aren't "glamorous" like anorexia and bulimia. I look forward to seeing how June deals with her condition. Also, I am curious how it will play into the plot later on and how you will incorporate elements of fantasy.

June's character feels very believable which is wonderful, especially considering her condition.

Overall, aside from the technical issues of grammar, this first bit was wonderfully done. I look forward to the next installment.

Thank you Meadow and Kyllorak for your reviews, I have edited out most of the long sentences and few other things according to your suggestions and will be posting the edited version sometime soon.

I am happy that you both like the idea of June being a CIPA patient as I wasn't sure if she would be relatable, but in time I belive she will be. I chose CIPA because it is very rare (Only 1 in every 125 million people contract the genetic disease) and because it does play a very significant role in the fantasy element later on, which you will see a small part of in my second installment.

Thanks again!

You got a pretty thorough critique in the last two comments, so I second their edits. I really like the idea of having a character with CIPA, and that's definitely what kept me reading. However, I still don't really know what kind of person she is. Everything you told us about her was part of the narration - I'd like to see some her dramatic, over-emotional nature in conversation, in her interactions with other people. You give us a little bit, but I'd like some more. A lot of your descriptions are more "telling" rather than "showing." Try to really get inside your character's head.

I hope that made sense. Looking forward to more!

endless_secrets wrote:JUNE
[i]
But only (just would make more sense) because she couldn’t feel anything on the outside did not mean that she couldn’t feel anything inside.

Her mother was exactly June’s opposite in every way, a bigger woman compared to June’s lithe form, with gentle grey-green eyes as opposed to her too dark to even be brown (too-dark-to-be-brown) eyes, and short blond hair for which June was glad she didn’t have, her hair was thick and the color a rich auburn that nobody could get through artificial dyes. Her mother held her hand in hers, a look of earnest (can't use earnest like that. it has to be before an emotion or something. could say 'earnest look'). written on her face. (Make it a bit more obvious who has which trait.)

“We’ve been over this (,) Mother. I am not going to tell them anything, they (it?) would change how they think of me, I would be some kind of freak to them (break up the sentence. too long.) . A person who can’t feel! They would run away screaming. You remember Blake don’t you? Do you want that to happen to me again? Hmmm?” (doesn't flow that well.)

“How could they possibly understand mom! (?)”

“Well June, looks like you are all bandaged up and good to go,” Charles said as he examined a clip-board. (make sure to add in that he walked into the room or it could seem like he'd been there the whole time.)

“Finally,” June said under her breath. “Thank-you (Thank you) Charles.”
The doctor cringed under the use of his first name as opposed to his proud P.H.D title. June only used (left it out because... 'used it' would imply use of Dr.) it because she knew it bothered him.

“Yes sir!” June said saluting. (I like this)

so far so good. you just neet to work on some grammatical stuff and add in more details and descriptions and work on the dialogue and it'll be great.

Hi! I'm here to review your work!

June’s parents called it CIPA, but the doctors preferred the longer term “Congenital Insensitivity to Pain”, she hated it when they said it out loud

..."Congenital Insensitivity to Pain. She hated it when they said it out loud.

It's less choppy that way, I think.

This particular trip to the pale green accented, stark white emergency room was because she had slipped and fell on a slick floor in the mall while with her friends.

If it's accented with pale green, I don't think it can be stark white anymore. ^^

This is how it always was though, every morning she had to check herself, make sure she didn’t scratch her eyes out or chew up her lips, cheeks or fingers in her sleep.

This was how it always was though; every morning...

Note that I changed is into was. It was to make the verb tenses consistent. Also, I think either a colon or a semicolon would work better than a comma there.

Every time she slipped, fell or something seemed not right about her she was rushed to the emergency room.

...or something seemed not right about her - that part of the sentence is awkward. Try rewording?

But only because she couldn’t feel anything on the outside did not mean that she couldn’t feel anything inside.

But because she couldn't feel anything on the outside didn't mean she couldn't feel anything inside.

The only slowed the sentence down, and it was extraneous. ^^

Her mother was exactly June’s opposite in every way, a bigger woman compared to June’s lithe form, with gentle grey-green eyes as opposed to her too dark to even be brown eyes, and short blond hair for which June was glad she didn’t have, her hair was thick and the color a rich auburn that nobody could get through artificial dyes.

Her mother was like her opposite in every way: she was a bigger woman compared to June's lithe form, had gentle grey-green eyes as opposed to June's too-dark-to-eve-be-brown eyes, and had short blond hair June was glad she didn't have. June's hair was thick, and its color a rich auburn that nobody could get through artificial dyes.

Her mother held her hand in hers, a look of earnest written on her face.

...an earnest look written on her face.

But if you want to keep "a look of", it has to be earnestness. Which is a strange word.

“We’ve been over this Mother.

Mother? It's so formal. Unless she's a formal gal and deals with everyone like this, she should call her mom something else.

I am not going to tell them anything, they would change how they think of me, I would be some kind of freak to them.

I'm not going to tell them anything. It would change what they think of me; I'd be some kind of freak to them.

Most people tend to speak in contractions.

You’ve made new, great friends, I think they’ll understand ho-.”

I think it should be great new friends.

“Well June, looks like you are all bandaged up and good to go,”

...you're all bandaged up and good to go."

Again, contractions make the dialogue more realistic.

“Finally,” June said under her breath. “Thank-you Charles.”

No dash between thank and you. Also, she's speaking an a very formal manner. Most people say thanks.

“Take your medication and use your crutches for three weeks, I don’t care that you can’t feel it, but if you walk on it, it will break, understood?”

"Take your medication and use your crutches for three weeks. I don't care if you can't feel it, but if you walk on it, it will break. Understood?"

Run-on. ^^



OVERALL: I like June so far, but again. She speaks in such a formal manner. Try a more casual tone. The one most teenagers use. Contractions too. Lots of them.

Anyway, your story has an interesting premise. I'll look forward to seeing more of this! ^^

Thank you Sunshire, Kara and Kyla!

You are right about her speaking to formally, I just finished writing a novel where one character has this thing about speaking formally all the time, I guess I haven't let him go yet .

But thank you and I will make changes according to your suggestions and have the second edit up later tonight or tomorrow

I love it!! It's awesome!! You did an amazing job on this!! *all hystericall over finidng one of those awesome stories you just never want to stop reading*
Oh, and if you want her to talk less formal you can say 'mom' instead of 'mother', though I really think it's good just like this!
I love it love it love it!! I think you did an awesome job on the descriptions, emotions and such. And all the descriptions of the surrounsings are just great! I'm really liking your MC!! I always wondered how a person who had that would feel, and you described it so flawlessly it's just stunning!
PM me when all the other chapters come out!! I'm moving on to the second chapter right now.
P.S. you rock, I love this story!!

Me Likey! Adore the fact that you have a patient with CIPA and makes up for it with over dramatic emotions! haha! I can tell this is going to be interesting!! One thing, if she's an overdramatic teen then why'd she say mother? Maybe you already answered that to the other people who reviewed you but... ya know. I'm going to read ch 2!

Hey =]

So everyone above seems to have already picked up on the nit-piks, so I'm just going to give you my opinion.

I really liked the idea you have here. Having a MC who has CIPA, definitley makes this story more interesting. I don't think I've ever read a story where the MC had CIPA, either, so that makes this story unique in my eyes, too.

I feel so sorry for her. It must be so frustrating, not being able to feel, pain or temperatures. Everyday life must be so complicated - having to be extra careful.

I'm definitely intrigued to see where you take this story next =]

Sorry for the unhelpfulness, but I just thought I'd tell you what a good start you have made. A writer needs ego boosting reviews just as much as critiquing ones.

xDudettex =]