Pregnant at 17

"Get Out!"
Even though Krislyn expected the words, they stung her like a swarm of bees.

Krislyn was a seventeen year old party girl. She should have been kicked out months ago but her parents let her slip on a lot of things. But not this, definitely not this. Her boyfriend, Marcus Kingslish had gotten Krislyn pregnant and when he found out, he left the state. He was nineteen and was a drug addict. So, here she was, packing her stuff to move out of her parents house with no where to go. She lost all of her friends by hanging out with Marcus all the time so she was alone.

With tears coming down off of her chin, Krislyn left the house. She could understand why her parents kicked her out, anybody could. They have told her multiple times to leave Marcus. He didn't treat her right and left her to go get drugs every time they were together alone. But she loved him.
Krislyn trusted Marcus and now she didn't know if she was ever even going to see him again.
As far as the baby goes, Krislyn had no idea what to do. She wanted to keep it, but she didn't have a job, home, or money so how was she supposed to support the baby?

But now, Krislyn was tired and found a park with benches, laid down, and fell asleep.

______________________________________________________________________________________


Krislyn woke up with the freezing cold wind, blowing her hair around. She quickly got up to her feet and shivered. It was so dark last night that Krislyn didn't know where she was until she saw the park sign that read, " Canary Family Park" . She squinted her eyes remembering that this was the park she went to when she was little with her mother. Every week they would go to this side of town to see Krislyn's grandmother. Her grandmother lived just five blocks from here. That was where she would go, her Grandmothers! Krislyn hadn't talked to her grandmother for about a month but she was sure that she would at least let Krislyn stay a night.

Hey there well alright this is a really good story so far its good its got a good story line and its very well written

but to be honest i think that when it said
"With tears coming down off of her chin"

i think that it should of said something along the lines of "with the tears streaming down her face or off her chin"

just to have a little more descriptive words in there you know

but other than that i saw nothing wrong with it so far.I really like the story so far and i hope to see more from you if you don't already have another peace like a sequel or something

and hey if you want any more advice or help just email me on here ok

First Impressions

First hint, and it's one you'll hear a lot around these parts, show, don't tell. This entire first part is all tell and no show at all. It's basically just an info dump, and it bores the reader.

Instead of just coming out and being like "well this is the character, she's pregnant, and her baby dady is a jerk". Show us this, have her rubbing her hand against her flat stomach, completely shocked that a life is forming in there.

Instead of telling us why her parents kicked her out, show us with a big blow out argument! Anything that is more exciting than this.

And how to show that her boyfriend is not good for her? Well drag him into a scene too! Instead of saying all of this stuff, show us ^^

Basics

So you jump around with your verb tenses a few times, from past to present tense.

She could understand why her parents kicked her out, anybody could. They have told her multiple times to leave Marcus.

Like here, you go from "could" which is past tense to "They have" which is present. It's a simple fix, just switch the "have" to "had".


Overall

The main advice I have to give is to just slow down, really really think about your characters. How angry are her parents? Is one of them crying while the other is yelling? What are they *doing* when they kick her out? It must be painful for them as well, right?

And what of Krislyn? What was she doing when her parents kicked her out? Did she storm off with a bag of clothes? Did she cry and beg them to let her stay? Right now you gave us the information, now you need to bring the information to life.

Best of luck!

OverEasy

I think the majority of so called "mistakes" have been picked up by the other member and fellow instructor that have already critiqued your work. SO, trying not repeat what they're saying, my advice is going to be more general.

I've noticed on a number of occasions you miss out conjunctives...example "to go get drugs" when it should "to go and get drugs"... be careful of this as it doesn't give the feeling and portray enough that you're a competent writer. This is more like speech. Re-reading usually helps things like this make themselves apparent.

The other thing is the lack of description which has then led to a lack of any kind of emotion. A pregnanyc, and in particular teen pregnancy, is obviously a dramatic and highly emotive time. SHOW THE READER!!

If you need a hand, don't hesitate to give me a shout!

So, as many before me have stated, it is rather info dumpy. We don't need so much backround story just yet. Just go right into the action. Wait until she has a flashback or something to show your reader that shes a 'party girl'
As for length, nothing was really proven here. Maybe wait until you have a bit more before posting. If you are just looking to bounce ideas off of people, that's cool too.

The last paragraph is a little fuzzy. you switch tenses a few time and it seems more like a jumble of her thoughts instead of actions. Whcih, thoughts are good, they help shape characters, but actions help.

You don't ever describe the setting. Yeah its cold...hmm, is there any frost? is there any sounds at all? I'd like to see a little more setting. It might help not info dump.

The pace of this story is 'this then this then this then this then....' get what i mean? You are just shoving the reader this way and that. Have some space in between her waking up in the park all homeless and when she thinks of her grandmother. Slow down a bit and let the reader catch up.

Well, that's all i can really think of. If you need to bounce ideas off of someone, i'd love to help. This should really be continued. Might scare some young party girls, ya kno?