The Man of Many Words

* Just an old poem lying around the house :b I find this one boring, and I won't be surprised if people would agree with me. I certainly need some reviews to make this one better!


The Man of Many Words


My heart is slowly lit,

by words expressed with wit.

But I'll remain on guard,

for love is yet too hard.


I won't forget that face,

conversations I'd retrace.

They were by far the best,

but sincerity failed the test.


What gave way are those eyes,

can't hide the truth in the lies.

There's human in there somewhere,

the kind that needs repair.


Now i must say goodbye,

but with that i add a sigh.

From lovers now we're friends,

until you make amends.


--- the END ---

Being a fan of more modern and post-modern forms of poetry, I'm generally not really particular about sticking to the meter of the poem. Despite this, however, I still believe that a poem must flow, and so the rhythm must not be disrupted. The risk with starting a poem with a fixed meter (6 syllables, same stresses throughout the first stanza) is that it will be difficult to use longer words which may disrupt the meter. So when a word like "conversations" enter, it's going to feel out of place. So basically my tip would be that if you plan to break the meter of your poem (you had a stanza that went 6, 7, 6, , you should start during the first stanza, at least indicate that you're not following a standard meter so some hard-core traditionalists won't feel like there something wrong with it.

Anyway, enough of this mindless babbling, the poem was not meant to be judged by its rhythm. It looks underwritten, and it seems to lack depth. I think its telling me too much instead of showing me what it wants to say. If you're planning on buffing this one up, I suggest you get the concept of the poem, and write something else entirely. (I'm not saying that this one is bad, I'm just saying that doing that would be much better than putting tweaks here and there).

Anyway, this is an easy read, rather entertaining, and easy to relate to.
-Tyler

[quote]The Man of Many Words


My heart is slowly lit,

by hollow expressed with wit.

But I'll remain on guard,

for love is still too cold.


I won't forget that face,

conversations I constantly retrace.

They were by far the best,

but fidelity failed the test.


What gave way are those eyes,

you can never bury the truth with lies.

There's human in there somewhere,

just the kind that needs repair.


Now i must say goodbye,

but with that i add a sigh.

From lovers to friends,

we will remain that till you make amends.


---El Fin---


This is a great poem, it just reminds me of an older car that needs to be brought in to have some body work, a good tweak under the hood, and some just all over TLC, to be road worthy again! Liked it a ton!!!

Hi bailecielo,

bailecielo wrote:My heart is slowly lit,

by words expressed with wit.

But I'll remain on guard,

for love is yet too hard.

Already I can tell that this is going to be an endless poem - by that I mean it will go on and on without making a real point, or a very small one that could be said in a line. There is nothing here to pull a reader in; you have weak images, such as lighting hearts (if you want this to be good, make it more powerful with better word choice or greater description).

The rhymes are bad and juvenile; they seem to have been placed there "just because" and it does not do anything for the fluidity or content of the poem.

I won't forget that face,

conversations I'd retrace.

They were by far the best,

but sincerity failed the test.


What gave way are those eyes,

can't hide the truth in the lies.

There's human in there somewhere,

the kind that needs repair.

Describe these or get rid of them. Right now, you are just throwing out phrases like "human in there somewhere". How? How do you know? And can you help the reader visualize it or relate to it using the five senses? These questions apply to just about every line in these above stanzas and must be given priority. Otherwise, it seems half-baked.

Now i must say goodbye,

but with that i add a sigh.

From lovers now we're friends,

until you make amends.

Again, the rhyme is seriously hurting your piece. The entire bit with the sighs appears contrived, like you had to come up with something to rhyme with "goodbye" and so you made up a phrase on the spot. The reader can tell immediately, especially when you risk such simple rhymes as you have. Change that, and if you need to rhyme, then do you so it flows. Read it to yourself out loud and make sure the lines don't bump into each other or halt uncertainly at the end.

Overall, you're right; this was a boring poem to which the reader won't give a second glance. This can be remedied, however, but focusing on the key issues that you lack: imagery, elaboration of some of the ideas, and fixing the rhyme.

Hope that helped.