Other Fiction

You wouldn't take me; a twelve year old, 5'2, black hair, blue eyed angel to be a murderer would you? Reasons why you wouldn't you may ask? I get straight A's, I am on an honor roll, Others look up to me, take it how you want to. Thats just the surface of my true self. I'll tell you what you'll see if you swim into the depths of my waters. I am alone, I hate waking up in the mornings, I dread talking to my over peppy parents who don't ever take the time to really ask what's on my mind. I don't have any true friends any that I have called friends have done nothing but stab me in the back when they have needed me most. There is little that I appreciate in life I really don't give a flying dang about anyone or anything anymore. To tell the truth the only thing I care about is getting through life in one piece. Well it was what I wanted, till I tripped. Yeah it happened I can't turn it around I can't look back or it'll be a one way trip to a bullet in my back. So here I am now on the run from making the biggest mistake in my life, taking a life, a life that in the moment I had the gun at point blank range not thinking twice about the consequence I would end up paying but instead watching myself pull the triger and the light in the persons eyes slip away and blood spray on the white tiled walls. You've any idea the emotions that flow from your heart to your head when you make a stupid move like that?....The answer is..NO, no you don't, you can't even begin to imagine the hell that flowed through my blood as I ran for my life. There is only one simple reason I can tell you I did it though It was somebody elses dirty work and I was being paid for it. Yeah pretty messed up right? but not as messed up as what I was going to face in the next forty eight hours of the shooting. I'll skim you trough the hell I faced first their was a brutal beating involving my face and ribs. There was a fight involving me realizing my naive to cast such an act not thinking the price tag that would come along with it. There was no money I got screwd over big time. So tell me what is a kid to do at a time like this?

First, Spelling errors
Thats - That's (since I presume it is meant to be 'that is')
Triger - Trigger
elses - else's
trough - through
screwd - screwed

Next, I really think you need to paragraph this. It is too much to read in a big chunk.

Now,

You wouldn't take me[s];[/s] (a twelve year old, 5'2, black hair, blue eyed angel) to be a murderer, would you?

*You need to replace the semi-colon here for a brackets because that first part doesn't make sense on its own, it needs the bit after the brackets to make sense.

Reasons why you wouldn't, you may ask?

*Possibly just put 'why not?' Then go on to give your reasons.

Others look up to me[s], take it how you want to[/s].

I'll tell you what you'll see if you swim into the depths of my waters.

*I absolutely love this image.

There is little that I appreciate in life. I really don't give a flying dang about anyone, or anything anymore

*Full stop and Comma.

So here I am. [s]now[/s] On the run from [s]making[/s] the biggest mistake in my life

*It doesn't make sense, with the 'making' since the character has already done it.

I would end up paying, but instead watching myself

*Comma before 'but'.

You've any idea the emotions that flow from your heart to your head when you make a stupid move like that?

*The word 'stupid' needs to be changed, after all the character did just kill somebody. It needs to be more drastic.

The answer is..NO, no you don't

*Don't capitalize the 'no', if it is an exclamation use and exclamation mark instead. Also, you need to put a space between the ellipsis and 'no'.

There is only one [s]simple [/s]reason, I can tell you why I did it [s]though[/s]. It was somebody elses dirty work and I was being paid for it.

*Just a suggestion, to rephrase this as I thought it was difficult to read.

[s]but[/s] [b]Not as messed up as what I was going to face [s]in[/s] over the next forty eight hours of the shooting.[/b]
*Few amendments

I'll skim you trough the hell I faced, first their was a brutal beating involving my face and ribs.

* Comma

There was a fight involving me realizing my naive to cast such an act not thinking the price tag that would come along with it.

*This sentence doesn't make sense to me.

This is a good idea, but I have one reservation - I think the character might be too young, especially by the way you described her. I think you need to make her slightly older, like 15/16.

As I mentioned earlier, paragraphing was also another issue. You really need to add them.

I hope you continue this as I'd like to find out what happens