Untitled

I can't think of a name for this poem so if you have any suggestions I would be more than happy to hear them.



Were you ever afraid
of letting something go?
It feels like turning off a tap,
and stopping a waterfall's flow.


And there's that feeling inside you,
saying there is loads of potential.
But trying to make a decision,
it's nearly driving you mental.


Can you feel it in your gut
as your problem starts to swell?
And the pressure of this decision,
is now putting you through hell.


Does it feel as though you have got,
the weight of the world on your shoulders?
Its as if your trying to make a fire
from sticks and boulders.


It's when the feeling isn't right,
and you don't know what to do.
You need someone to turn to
because you haven't got a clue!


Your mind is full of doubt
and you know your doing wrong.
But your afraid to turn off the tap,
you know you're not that strong.



~~~~~~~

Now rate me:)

Hi Rodhead! I'm Kat, and I will be your reviewer for today!

Stanza by stanza!

Were you ever afraid
of letting something go?
It feels like turning off a tap
and stopping a waterfalls flow.

The start isn0t very captive. It's a very used theme, so when a person reads these two first lines, sets up an expectation.
Comma after 'tap'.
'watterfalls' should be waterfall's. You use an apostrophe, because it's possessive.
Here, you make it better. You give some imagery and I can get something out of these two last lines.
This stanza is explicit, and has few possible interpretations.
Also, rhyming. I believe it was well executed and really helps your flow. Good job

Is there a feeling inside you
saying there is loads of potential?
But trying to make a decision,
it's nearly driving you mental.

This stanza is very confusing. I can't get out a definite meaning out of these lines. Potential of what? What decision? Make it more clearer.
The word choice here, makes this poem less lyrical and a bit more impersonal.

Can you feel it in your tummy
as it starts to swell?
And the pressure building in your head
is now putting you through hell.

Tummy sounds childish.
What starts to swell?
Comma after head.
This makes a little more sense, but still very unclear. Very different from the first stanza.
You've got like lots of themes flying around, poorly developed and unclear. Choose only one! I can see that if you have a definite purpose you'll develop it very well, and will make a very good poem!

Does it feel as though your carrying
a bag of books on your shoulders?
But even heavier than books,
how about boulders?

You have to watch those questions.
Questions are tricky in poetry. You can't exaggerate.

It's when the feeling isn't right
and you don't know what to do.
You need someone to turn to
because you haven't got a clue!

Comma at the end of the first line.
Now, you do explain something. But still, it is all very shaky.

Your mind is full of doubt
and you know your doing wrong.
But your afraid to turn off the tap,
you know your not that strong.

Comma after doubt.
'your' should be you're.
the 'your' on the last line should be 'you're'.
This kindda wraps up the poem.

Overall: This is very sketchy. the imagery isn't much present, and your description is poor. You should improve this; I know it has potential! But it has something missing.

Feel free to PM me if you need anything!
*Kat*

Hey! This is my first review, so please forgive me if you don't find it quite helpful.

In general, I find the second person very weak. It's a little confusing what you're trying to achieve by directly addressing the reader, because things slip back and forth. Here's an example:

Were you ever afraid
of letting something go?
It feels like turning off a tap
and stopping a waterfalls flow.

You ask the reader a question, then proceed to answer it yourself. It's my personal opinion, but questions should provoke the reader, inspire them to make their own decisions. I find it a bit anticlimactic if you just give them the answer. It works well, however, if you treat it like a conversation between two people. You should try this all in first person. Removing the questions or keeping them is your choice, but I think you should try sticking to only questions or only statements.

The fourth stanza seems a little out of place. Here you begin and end the poem about water, and backpacks doesn't seem to fit. I think boulders on your shoulders still works, just keep it to nature, or just try another example more related to water.

However, I do like the rhyming. You chose strong words to rhyme, instead of picking them helter-skelter. The previous reviewer seems to have picked out all the spelling and grammar, so I have little to add there. I will definitely agree that elaboration would be nice, it'll really add depth and character to your poem.

The poem theme is good; I do understand these feelings. But I don't connect to these words just yet. You're almost there, really! I'd love to see how you progress with this, and I certainly hope I offered another scope for you to look at your work.

Hey, nice to see that you made some changes to the poem!

First of all, I do like that you extended the poem, it sounds great now. I'm glad that you used a new metaphor for boulders as well, it suits much better. The new stanza beginning with "Can you feel it in your gut..." has great rhythm; it has a pleasing quality when read out loud.

The rhythm here is still a little off though:

Its as if your trying to make a fire
from sticks and boulders.

Maybe you could add a few words to the second line to even out the timing.

Oh, and the last stanza:

But your afraid to turn off the tap,
you know you're not that strong.

Your to you're, since you want to say "your are", not a possession of something.

I like the improvements! I wish I had more to say, but I'm fresh out. Hopefully another reviewer will notice something I missed.

Rodhead wrote:Your mind is full of doubt
and you know your doing wrong.
But your afraid to turn off the tap,
you know you're not that strong.

Your should be you're, but other then it is amazing! I Love it! I have felt like that a few times, and I am sure other people have felt like that at one time or another, it's a poem people can relate to. The rhyming is very good, and I think it's great! As a title maybe " Stopping the Flow"? Keep up the good work!