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Hi there! April at your service *bows*. I absolutely love hiakus, but I find them extremely hard to critique, so don't blame me if I'm wrong here.

I found this;;

The fluttering petals

Of the myriad chrysanthemums

Rippled calm waters.

Ok, I'm pretty sure that middle line has one too many syllables. You might be able to dispose of "the".

That is the only nit- pick I found.

But what I noticed is that you have three main things in this haiku; the petals, water, and unhappy emotions. They all tie together perfectly as you go through the poem, and it sounds just beautiful to the ear. You chose very good wording, simple yet true, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Great job.

~April

This is beautiful. I love your imagery and your use of form works well with your subject. I love "peachy leaves".

I also love;
"rippled calm waters."

"The fluttering petals

Of the myriad chrysanthemums"
are too long. The first line should be five syllables, and the second should be seven. I find it helps to say words aloud and count the syllables on your fingers when trying to fit a metrical form.

I also love "Blossom laden fields". I'd add a hyphen between "blossom" and "laden".

I love the sudden change in the fourth haiku. The third line is too long, and I'd add a full stop a the end, but with haiku full stops tend to be a matter of preference to the best of my knowledge. If you decide you don't like them, I'd omit them from the other stanzas.

I love;
"Evanescent thoughts

And fleeting wisps of colour".
I'd change "faded" to "fade". That way it will be a syllable shorter, and fit the five-syllable line.

"A solitary drop" is too long, and "it's" should be "its". There's no apostrophe for possession with "it's"; "it's" is "it is".

I prefer the first three haiku to the rest of the poem, because the imagery is stronger.
After that, while you use language beautifully, I feel it gets a bit abstract and preachy. I do like the change away from the happy imagery at the beginning, but I'd try doing it in a more concrete way, focusing on what the scene looks like after the petals has fallen. If you disagree, and would like to keep it moral and defend Mother Earth and denounce sinners, maybe try connecting that idea more directly to the cherry-blossoms. For example, you could have people pulling the blossoms from the trees, or treading on them, or something like that.

A pleasure to read.

Hope this helps.

Jas

Thank you so much for critiquing! Domo arigatou! (^__^)



Wow... I'm surprised to see these reviews... I thought this poem was already buried in the dust. (0w0)



I'm really sorry for the careless mistakes... It was a real challenge to translate this (considering the insufficient training I had concerning Nippongo), but so far, I think it was worth it (if I don't put the too-long syllables in mind). I will be sure to edit as soon as possible~! (^__^) I'm sure Atsuro would love to hear about this again.



So there. Thanks again! Have a nice day! O-daiji ni~! [Take care~!]





Sincerely,



Katie + (the original author) Atsuro Nagihiki [of course, this is a pen name; rest assured ]




Ciao~




P.S.: Really, it surprises me still. How did you find this poem?

I found this piece terribly wonderful. It reminded me so much of all the paintings I used to go into about cherry blossoms and such. I was always so fascinated by the beautiful trees.

You speak Japanese though? I've been teaching myself japanese for a while now and although I am not quite fluent yet, it's nice to meet someone who can .

Ogenki desu ka?

Ja ne
~The.Dreamwalker

Hai! Ogenki desu~



Hajimemashite~!



I'm not that fluent yet, too, but I'm a bit advanced from the basics now, I still can't get through much without a little help... o(^__^)o



Sooo there... Ja ne! O-daiji ni~




+ Katie