Souls cht #1 corrected

I stood there, watching over my destroyed body. I had a broken bones, stitches in four different places. The whole right side of my body was raw from burn marks. And of course the big one, I was in a deep coma.
The only sign of life was my chest slowly rising and falling because of the breathing machine and the beeping of the heart machine
I shuddered as a nurse walk through me. I couldn't bare to watch as she changed the blood stained bandages, blood had always made me feel nauseous. I decided to have a look around the hospital. I guessed that I was going to be there a while, so I might as well get used to my new surroundings.
I also needed to distract myself from the painful scar forming in my heart for my daughter. My precious, delicate, bubbly, happy Electra. Where was she? Was she OK? Was she alone, wandering the empty, filthy dangerous back Allys?
I soon felt tears welling in my eyes as I thought of her crying alone in the dark. I pushed the tears back. Crying has never done any good, just forces you to think of the very thing that's upsetting you. Anyway, as the old saying goes:
“ When you smile, the whole world smiles with you
When you cry, you cry alone.”
I turned quickly so I would stop staring at my body, and I came face-to-face with a guy around my age. He obviously extremely tall but he was crouching so I could see into his warm, chocolate-brown eyes. He had perfectly-messy near black hair with golden tints through it and smooth, perfect, paper-white skin. He reminded me of the princes from fairy tales that my father use to tell me before bed-time when I was young, it seemed so long ago now.
“Hello. My name is Charlie ”said the prince, in a smooth, husky voice. He started offering me his hand. These actions quickly pushed every thought right out of my head.
I fell back with the fright, typical of me. He chuckled softly but kindly before offering me his hand and helping me up. I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks. His hand was freezing cold but soft and very smooth.
“And who might you be?” he asked with a perfect smile, showing all his straight, white teeth.
Unable to think properly I stupidly replied back “Huh?” I must be imagining things, he couldn't be real, I was in a frickin' coma, for crying out loud! Great, I must be going crazy, having hallucinations of princes.
“Your name? He repeated putting it into simpler English for me.
“ Oh right, em, I'm Susan. But call me Rusty. Please” I answered quickly, trying not to make a bigger idiot out of myself. But I had to ask him “ Are you real or am I just going crazy out of my mind?”
“OK, Rusty. No, I am real, so your not going completely mad.” he reassured me. “Would you mind if I asked you a few questions such as how you got here? What happened to you? I mean not to sound rude or anything like that but your body doesn't look in the best condition, to put it politely!.”
“I was in a bad car crash,.” I told him , watching his perfect smile was vanish and how his eyes widened with shock.
“Oh, I am so sorry. Please excuse my rudeness before. You see the souls I usually meet were pretty stupid and reckless.” he explained to me. “Now you have a choice to make, you can either come with me and meet all the other souls or you can stay here, while the doctors and nurses try to patch you up.” He said while looking past “me”.
I followed his line of vision and found my self staring at my body once more. The nurse was now injecting me with a needle and attaching a drip. I pulled myself away and looked back at Charlie.
As I began to get over the initial shock, thousands of questions started filling my head, but I only the first three that had popped into my head slipped out, with out my command.
“ Go with you where? Other souls? How can you see and talk to me?”
“ A) To the house, B) your house-mates, if you choose to come with me, which you probably will and C) we are both souls.” He replied. He was clearly enjoying my confusion. “ But there is a difference between you and me, you're technically alive and I'm definitely dead.” He added in, in a blunt tone.
I must of went into shock because every thing I remember after that is very hazy. I think, I vaguely remember Charlie telling me to close my eyes and then picking me up and cradling me in his arms. I also remember a slight swooshing of the wind in my ears, but other than that I was completely lost in my own thoughts. I just couldn't believe that he was dead. I thought that being in a coma was bad.
Thousands of new questions swarmed my head. How did he die? When did he die? How old was he? Why was he still here? How did he know that I was here? How many souls were there? Where did he live? What could he eat? Where exactly where we? What day was it? How long had I been here? And still most importantly where exactly was my daughter?

Heya there! Me again.

I must say, this is a wonderful second draft! Really. But still, I have a few nitpicks.

I had a broken bones, stitches in four different places.

I had a broken bones? That doesn't really make any sense. Perhaps you could add few or several before broken

And of course the big one, I was in a deep coma.

You shouldn't start a sentence off with and. It seems improper. Just a little rewording and the and will be gone

I shuddered as a nurse walk through me.

"walk" should be "walked"

Was she alone, wandering the empty, filthy dangerous back Allys?

"Allys" to "alleys"

Also, why on earth would her daughter be wandering the alleys? Do they not have a house she could be huddling in? Also, how old is her daughter? Is she too young to be by herself or is she a teenager?

He obviously extremely tall but he was crouching so I could see into his warm, chocolate-brown eyes. He had perfectly-messy near black hair with golden tints through it and smooth, perfect, paper-white skin.

Wowza! Long sentence here. I would split this into two. But the main reason I pointed this sentence out is the bolded part there. You forgot to put was ^_^

"Hello. My name is Charlie ”said the prince, in a smooth, husky voice.

You need a comma after "Charlie".

"Your name? He repeated putting it into simpler English for me.

You forgot the last quotation mark.

"OK, Rusty. No, I am real, so your not going completely mad.” he reassured me.

Okay, you do this throughout this piece so I'll only point it out this once. The period after mad should be a comma. Lemme find an article for you to help you out with this: Dialogue Punctuation

He said while looking past “me”.

Nix the bolded part. You don't need it there. Just say: He glanced passed "me" and at my body.

“I was in a bad car crash,.” I told him , watching his perfect smile was vanish and how his eyes widened with shock.

Nix the period after the comma which is after "crash" Nix the second "was" and "how"

But why was he so surprised? If he's always visiting souls--reckless and stupid or not--he shouldn't be surprised on how the people died. He should be used to everything.

~~~~~~

I know, I pointed out the small little things. For some reason I enjoy doing that

You have to look out for those extra little words. Words that really aren't nessacary. They make your writing awkward and messy so keep an eye out for them. Also, I hope that article helps your dialogue along. You have to keep an eye out for those periods that should be commas.

Like I said before, this is a wonderful second draft. It's an interesting idea and I can't wait to see what happens next.

PM if you have any questions or when the next part is up.

Happy Writing!

Meadow

dancingclouds wrote: I shuddered as a nurse walk [ed] through me. I couldn't bare to watch as she changed the blood stained bandages,[. or ;] blood had always made me feel nauseous. [should have a stronger transition between this] I decided to have a look around the hospital.

I also needed to distract myself from the painful scar forming in my heart for my daughter [rework this, sounds awkward. i like the 'painful scar for...' thing though]. My precious, delicate, bubbly, happy Electra. Where was she? Was she OK? Was she alone, wandering the empty, filthy dangerous back Allys [alleys, not capped.]?
I soon felt tears welling in my eyes ['in my eyes' part is redundant. could sound better to leave it just at 'welling' or to go for a less cliched term] as I thought of her crying alone in the dark.

He had perfectly-messy[,] near[ -]black hair with golden tints through it and smooth, perfect, paper-white skin. He reminded me of the princes from [the] fairy tales that [take out 'that'] my father use to tell me before bed-time when I was young,[. or ;] it seemed so long ago now.

I fell back with the fright, typical of me. He chuckled softly[,] but[,] kindly before offering me his hand and helping me up. I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks [b][could just say blushing. but if she's dead, how's she blushing?].

I mean not to sound rude or anything like that but your body doesn't look in the best condition, to put it politely!.[choose one punctuation, and you don't need to end it with 'to put it politely' as you already put in 'not to sound rude..']”

[put in something more transitional before this, sounds too abrupt as is.] “Now you have a choice to make, you can either come with me and meet all the other souls or you can stay here,

I followed his line of vision and found my self [myself. one word.] staring at my body once more.

As I began to get over the initial shock, thousands of questions started filling my head, but I [delete the 'I'] only the first three that had popped into my head slipped out, with out my command.
I must of went into shock[,] because every thing I remember after that is very hazy. I think,[don't need the comma] I vaguely remember Charlie telling me to close my eyes and then picking me up and cradling me in his arms.

Over all the passage and the story is okay.
Mostly I think you should try and add more transitional/filler things just to help with the flow. And you could describe Rusty a bit more, ie her age, her daughter's age, the bit about the room mates.
I really do want to read more, keep it up.